My Happy List.. a day late..

I am a day late.. but better late then never right??  Thanks to Natasha for helping us all try to find the half full glass in a very half empty journey...

It's been a wild past few weeks to say the least. I became so engrossed in Savanna's first birthday and trying to celebrate her life that I have neglected so many other aspects of my life. This blog, emails, messages and friends blogs to start with. My mind has been so one dimensional. I don't like to be that person that doesn't respond or at least say thank you. I have received so many touching messages and emails over the last few weeks, and I just hate that I haven't had the opportunity, or the focus to respond to them. As a general statement.. if you have sent us something--anything--whether a gift for Savanna's birthday, a donation for our SFS campaign, an email, letter or photos of your balloon releases.. let me first say that we have read, seen, looked at each and every one of them. Each one brought smiles to our faces and tears to our eyes.  So please know, that if I have not responded to you, it is not because I don't care or am ignoring you. It is simply that I haven't had much focus lately. But I do promise that I will get back to you in some way shape or form. It may be next week or even next month.. but I promise that I will!
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And now.. on to my happy list. :)

1. My new job! I am currently away from home.. which doesn't make me that happy. The training center for my new employment is about 2 hours away from us. I will be here for a week and then back home, back here for a couple days, back home, then back again for 2 days. It's weird, I haven't been away from J since before Savanna died.. our first time apart really. It's OK so far, the bed is much spacier without elbows to the head, but it's also colder. So although these next few weeks away won't be so happy-- it is temporary. And to sacrifice a little for a lot in the future is worth it. And so makes me happy.. I am furthering my career and setting us up for more financial stability for our family. It's pretty exciting.

2. My parents and brother will finally be moving here! After much anticipation and days of missing them.. they are finally able to make the big move! They will be moving at the end of this month. I am so excited for the opportunities that have been placed in their path and so absolutely ecstatic that those opportunities bring them closer to me! This grief journey is hard.. it's more then hard.. it sucks.. having to do it apart and 1100 miles away from your family makes it tougher.

3. Our SFS campaign! The shirts have been ordered and should be here in two weeks! I am so excited to announce the final numbers! Team Savanna's Smiles (our team) received 59 t-shirt orders! Team Savanna's Angels (DHS Spiritline team of El Mirage, AZ) received 29 orders! That brings our total to 88 t-shirts!!! Do you remember what our goal was?? THIRTY!! I am so giddy with joy over this... But that's not the best part of it all.. the shirts will be shipped and worn by people in 15 different US states AND 2 different countries! And again, I was amazed as I tallied up our total donations. (this is pure profit after purchasing the shirts) we have raised a total of $1058.00!!!!! (do you remember my goal? $500!!)That will go directly to the American SIDS institute to fund research and spread awareness and information... and to think, there's still 26 days left! So needless to say, I am thrilled, blessed, honored, humbled and so completely grateful for the contributions made in Savanna's honor. Although I am not able to mother her in the way that I want--at least not in this life-- I can still be a mom to her in the best way I know how.

3. The biggest thing I am so proud and ecstatic over is her garden. I have never had a garden. Never really been able to keep plants alive actually. We had always planned to plant a tree for her. From the moment we found out we were pregnant, we had talked about it. Wherever we landed, we would plant a tree. It would grow with her as she grew. A jungle gym for her, a hideaway, a sanctuary. Of course, we didn't plan on her death.. but then she did die.. and it became something different. We wanted a tree to remember her. A constant reminder of the life that lived. We scoured the Internet trying to find the 'perfect' tree. How do you pick a perfect tree for your dead infant? There were so many unsettling things that came with that decision. Finally, after seeing Natasha's and Franchesca's garden photos, I became inspired. I too wanted a garden. Because then, I could pick all kinds of flowers. I could change it if I wanted, re-arrange it.. add to it, take away from it. It just seemed the perfect way to memorialize Savanna. So after much discussion and debate, the hubster and I decided on a place... And in one day, we went from this:

To this (3 hours later):

 

To this (2 hours later):

Finally, to this...

4. I was a crazy picture/video taker when it came to Savanna. I have hundreds of photos of her. J used to make fun of me, now we are both so happy we documented as much as we did. Because now, when I feel the connection wavering, or a memory fading--I can look back and be reminded of what I'm missing. But what's better then looking at her pictures? When I get pictures from others that I have never seen. It's like I get to make a new memory of her. I get to add another file to the cabinet to be locked and stowed safely away. I get to smile all over as I think back to that time. Last week, I received an email from J's cousin. She found about 40 pictures on her thumb drive of Savanna when she was still brand spankin' new (only 2 weeks old)!

Daddy's first day back to work.. clearly she did not like that!

5. Daddy's and their baby girl's... 'nough said!

                                      

6. Last but certainly not least. I have been having ins and outs, ups and downs these last few weeks. But what truly can make me smile, and bring a little happy in my heart is Savanna. Her essence, her life, her smile and spirit.. all those things that make her up.. that makes me smile. I miss her terribly and wish with every ounce of my existence I could have her back.. but to know the memories are there in my filing cabinet of my mind... it makes me happy to know I will always have the key to find her whenever I need to.

Savanna,
With every breath I take, with every beat of my heart, I am closer to you. Loving you from afar, loving you for always, forever in my heart you will be. -Mommy

New job and update

I got a new job. Pretty exciting stuff! I will be a tech for a dialysis center. And what's better is they pay for nursing school--100%!!!! J was pretty excited when I told him about that.. I think his pocket book took a sigh of relief.. But with getting a new job, it means I had an old one. Which means I had to leave one. This job was the last place I thought I would ever be. When we moved to TX I was a stay at home mom. I had the intent of eventually going back to work, but was enjoying my time at home with little bit. And then a month passed and I felt like i was ready to go back to work. As much as I enjoyed every minute with her, I was going stir crazy. We were in a new town, and only knew one other couple. I needed some outside stimulation. and there is only so much to do in this town before it comes extremely repetitive. So... i went looking. I never had a hard time finding a job.. at least not in a big city like Phx. But out here--it was rather difficult. After 3 interviews and 3 NO call backs, I was getting discouraged. So I decided to try out a temp agency.. I had a job within a month!

It would be at a title company as an escrow assistant. huh?? I know! That's what I thought when they told me. Sure I had bought house before.. but never did I know what a title company did. Well I found out! There was much more involved in the purchase of a home then my little brain could wrap it's head around! I was learning a great deal about the real estate business. It was interesting, and each file was different. Not to mention, the people I worked with are absolutely wonderful. Always patient, never judging, and would ask the same question I asked over and over. To top it off, they are a christian based office, took prayer requests at every Monday meeting and played Christian music in the office. I loved it! It was the perfect place, but it wasn't the perfect career. It's not what I ultimately wanted to do with my life. I want to be a nurse. I'm about halfway there to apply for nursing school -- i took the long way. (after many detours and LOTS of life lessons, i finally got my act together!)

After being with the title company for a couple months (as a temp) I received a possible employment opportunity at a dialysis center. J looked into it a little, but it didn't sound condusive with our schedule. Crazy hours, overtime--I was still a new mommy. And although I was a temp, there was word going round that they would be offering me a full time position. So I never persued it further. Then a couple months later... Savanna passed away. The title company was wonderful. Although i was not technically a 'full time' employee.. they gave me all the time I needed. They prayed for me, prayed with me. Sent flowers, offered to cook meals for us. My boss even came to the hospital the night that it all happened. Between the funeral and the memorial service I was out of work for 3 weeks. J had to go back to work, so I decided it would be better I work then stay at home. So I went back. They were absolutely wonderful around me. There was no walking on egg shells. I was able to talk about Savanna as I needed, cried as I needed. There was never any pressure to 'pretend.' I could run to the back to cry if I needed and no one ever judged me. They had all met Savanna before, and naturally I had always talked about her and brought pictures. So, I'm fairly certain they all loved her too.

But honestly, have you seen her pictures?? it's so hard to NOT fall in love with that face!! (maybe I'm biased??!) So they all cried with me some days and talked me through some very difficult moments. Well that job opportunity? Ya, second time--it pops up. How could I possibly leave this place and these people? They have been incredibly compassionate with me. So patient.. Some days I would trail in a little late due to rough mornings.. but there they were with open arms supporting me as best they knew how. They never made me feel like I had to 'move on' or hurry up and grieve. So, I didn't dive any further into the other job. How could I leave them? They had done so much for me.

Then a couple months after that ( about a month ago) I received an email. An email asking me if I would be interested in this position. Well, this was the third time... 1-2--3! So I said, 'Ok Lord, I get it. I'll look into it. If this is the path I am to take open the door, if it's not close it." It seemed the opportunity had knocked a few times now, clearly He was telling me to answer it! So, I agreed to an interview to see what it was about. I had a list of questions and was ready to go. And, well, the answers they had were more then satisfactory. Refer back to the first sentence.. yes that's right . 100% reimburse for nursing school.. that's over $8000 that will NOT come out of our pocket! Sure the hours are a little crazy.. but we can manage. I will get submerged into the field I want to be, and will be doing something fulfilling a path I feel has been paved for me.

So today I said goodbye to my old job and opened the door to my new one. But it seems now, as I reflect on it all.. I have said goodbye to more then just a job and people. I have said goodbye to part of my past. I have said goodbye to the memories of the call. Afterall, that is where I was when i found the news. It was that parking lot I ran through to get to my car. It was that parking lot I sped out of as I prayed my daughter was OK. That was the place I walked into everyday, looking at that spot, that phone and remembering what happened in that moment on that day. I'm saying goodbye to all of that and leaving it behind.

It's funny, that job. It came when it was supposed to. It served it's purpose in my life and now it's time to move forward. Kind of like Savanna. She served her earthly purpose, and it was time for her to move forward. Savanna died, and so did my need to be at that place. I could no longer look at it from the perspective of all the things they have done for me. At this point, I have to do what is right for J and I. I have to think about our family now and what is important to us. This will place me on a path to complete and carry on my journey. I will have ample opportunities to spread Savanna's story and share her legacy. it's the next part of my journey. I didn't listen at first, but I don't think I was meant to. I was made to listen in the time I was supposed to. And now, I take this new opportunity, this new experience, this 'fresh start' so to speak with arms wide and heart open.

I'm scared as hell. And I anticipate those awkward moments of the 'do you have any kids' questions. But I'm ready for it. As God as my strength, I will make it. and imagine, imagine all the lives Savanna can touch now.
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I wanted to give an update on our SFS campaign. For those that still would like to order a shirt to wear on April 29th (the profits from the shirts will be donated) tomorrow is the last day to make your order! We will continue to accept donations until April 29th!! Please email me if you have any questions!

As of now, I am so excited to share with you our progress thus far.

Remember that our goal was 30 shirts?? Well, we are at 43! Count them, 43!! Not only did we get 43 shirt orders, but people in 12 different states will be wearing a shirt with my baby girl's name on it! But it gets better.. We have received donations fro 38 stickers! We are only 62 away from our goal of 100 stickers! To receive a sticker/donation card you must donate a minimum of $5

Here is the doozy.. so far we have received $1260.00 in donations!! And we still have 29 days left!!! I am so excited to see all the people that have put in an effort to help us try to find an answer! I am in hopes that one day no parent will have to hear the word SIDS. Thank you to all who have participated so far and continue to spread our message and goal! Don't forget about the giveaway we are doing! You can read more about it here

Today--March 28, 2011

Today. Monday. March 28, 2011. We celebrated sweet Savanna's first birthday. It wasn't at all how I had pictured it though. I imagined her wearing the bright pink "birthday girl" hat with the matching pink tutu. I pictured a monstrous size cupcake at her disposal. I did not picture J and I standing at her spot.. bringing her flowers, releasing balloons and ladybugs. But that is my reality. And today, well today had all the makings to be a terrible day. A sad day. An emotional day. I would be lying if I said I wasn't angry today or sad. I was angry that I was visiting a cemetery on my daughters birthday, saddened that I wouldn't get to see her try to blow our her candles. Unnerved that I was releasing balloons to heaven instead of watching her rip open her own presents. So as I prepared for this day, I prepared to be a total and complete mess. The anxiety of the anticipation for this day had overcome me and took over my mind. I woke up and I was sad this morning.. I knew what the day was to bring. I knew that with each hour that passed, I was another hour away from the last memory of her. I was moving forward, and doing it without her.

As the day drew on, tears were shed, laughter rang, cheeks were stained, smiles erupted. I started to realize that we were getting through this day. Not only together but with so many people supporting us and lifting us up in their thoughts and their prayers. I was humbled yet again today. Humbled more then I could have ever imagined. As I checked my FB, message after message I saw my Savanna's name. People wishing her a happy birthday. People putting out prayer requests for J and I. People releasing balloons in honor of Savanna. Ladybug pictures flooding my wall. My inbox poured out with SIDS donations made in honor of her on her birthday. Emails of supports, messages of love. Other baby loss mama's that I have 'met' through these heartwrenching circumstances, they took a moment to share our story on their personal spaces. My eyes filled with tears as I read blog after blog of so many women lending themselves to us as they themselves are suffering through their pain. To all of you mama's thank you. This road is crappy, it's hard and it's confusing.. with you women, I can somehow feel normal. Feel like I'm not crazy.

This day, was by no means easy. It was hard, it's still hard. It's unspeakable and absolutely not natural what so ever. But it was bearable. Today was manageable. Today I was able to survive. We survived. And i have so many of you to thank for reaching out to us.. for remembering Savanna. For keeping her memory alive. So thank you. To all of you. I will do my best over the next few days to thank each and every one of you individually. I feel that is something I must do, as you have each taken a moment out of your day for us, for Savanna. Without the grace of God, the presence of my baby girl, and the love and care of all of you.. we would not have been able to make it through these very difficult days. I wish I could post all of the pictures.. but here are a few for you. Please check out my Facebook page to see all of the pictures!

Her spot decorated

Releasing her balloons. There was one for her friend Kamryn and Kyleigh

Ladybugs sent to us from a blog reader now friend

There were hundreds and hundreds of them

It was so peaceful watching them move about her spot

Crawling on her flowers

I know, why did I take pictures of the ladybug on the angels butt? Simple, it made us laugh. And laughing today was such an important part of this day. So I just had to share.

Some balloons that were released for her today.

I don't know about you.. but this kind of looks like wings to me.

Dear sweet Savanna,

I hope your birthday in heaven was more then you could have dreamed. I just know you had so many of your other angel friends with you.. angels of mommies I hold close to my heart. I tried not to cry for you today.. but there were moments when mommy and daddy were weak and we the pain of missing you overcame our hearts and our minds. It is now that this milestone has passed that I have truly begun to wrap my brain around the reality that you are gone. Today had all the makings of being unbearable, and yet here we are standing. We are slightly bent over and a little beaten and worn for wear, but we are standing none the less. Each and every day, I am united with people whose lives you have touched and I am reminded of the pureness and essence of you. Your life has made an impact on this world, a footprint that remains permeanantly imbedded in hearts everywhere. My life began one year ago today. I miss you terribly and wish everyday I could hold you close. I hope to see you in my dreams soon.. Thank you for the peek of sunshine today on this very cloudy and cold day. I'm sure you were using all the sunshine in heaven for your birthday. I know how much you love the sunshine princess. Please know I think about you everyday. I have my struggles, my daily trials and tribulations.. but at the end of the day--I think of your smile, your joy, your beautiful shining blue eyes and somehow I am brought to peace. I love you little miss. More then I could ever clearly express verbally to you. Look to my heart baby girl, it's all in there. Everything you is there. Everything you is a part of me. I love you sweet Bo.. completely and openly with every piece and inch of my existence. I will work my hardest and darndest to keep your memory alive. With every breath I take, with every beat of my heart-I am closer to you.

I love you baby girl. Happy Birthday
Mommy

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Remembering March 28, 2010

Surviving

As I sit here and ponder.. I am left to think how much in this last week I have neglected this spot. This very special place that has become such an escape and a therapy. A comfort and a sort of friend. I have neglected others blogs and reading their trials, struggles, milestones, and journey's. I have come to a conclusion..

today we had a small birthday celebration for Savanna. Although her birthday is not until Monday, we wanted to do something small for her to include our closest family and friends. As we sang Happy Birthday the reality of what has actually happened smacked me in the face. It became as real as real can be.. I was not singing to the happy one year old gorging down on some cake, but an angel in heaven watching us from above. And in that moment, the weight of the world and all of my stresses had weighed heavily on my shoulders. And it all made sense. I know before I said I was hiding.. which I think I still kind of am. But more then hiding.. I have been scared.

I have submerged myself into this silly planning and small details. But when it came to lighting her candle.. J and I looked to each other. Do we sing, do we blow out the candles.. what do we do?? And then those around us started to sing and I realized we were truly moving forward. I have felt guilty and angry. Guilty that I was planning a birthday without her, angry because I was planning a birthday without her. Sure, tell me that I shouldn't feel that way. Tell me that she is always with me. Tell me that she is having the best birthday in heaven. Guess what? It still hurts. It still sucks. And it still remains that I don't have a bouncing and bubbly 1 year old sitting on my lap. Instead, I have tear stained cheeks and broken hearted pieces.

I went outside, to breathe.. get some air. Get away from the people surrounding us. I was suffocating and needed something to breathe. I didn't think it was going to be that hard.. and to think.. it's not even her birthday yet. I'm not sure what I thought it was going to be.. but I didn't expect that, and it came out from left field and sat it's ass right in front of me.

But I'm digressing.. we went outside. To escape the suffocation.

J put out the candles.. we couldn't muster the strength to blow them out.. they handed me the knife to cut the cake. I stood there frozen--I couldn't take the knife. Cutting her cake.. I couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to cut into a cake she would never get to taste. Never get to dive her face into. Never get to squish between her fingers and get stuck in her nose and ears. I had it pictured you know. The pink birthday girl hat with the pink tutu.. face first in her special chocolate cake.. flashes from cameras snapping.. everyone giggling and cracking up as she went to town on her cake. But no, instead--I was going to have to cut it. And I couldn't.

I digress again.. like I said.. we went outside.

My sweet and very best friend KB was there with her family. And she spotted something.. i was trying to let the air fill my lungs.. trying to 'hold it together' on the outside while every piece of me was shattering on the inside. I thought she was just walking over to talk to the kiddos.. then I heard her say ladybug.. what??
So I walked over.. she saw one flying.. we looked and looked. And what do you know.. A ladybug! A smile was brought to my face as I finally saw my first ladybug of the season. And what a perfect day for it to come! It didn't put me back together.. but it brought some of those pieces back that had been lost into oblivion. It brought back some bits of hope and light. The Lord allowed these beautiful little creatures to bless me in this moment. And I knew Savanna was right there with me.. carrying me through these moments. It was a beautiful moment.. I immediately picked her up and brought her in the house to show everyone..

So I had a different stride in my step. A different light in my mind. A new kind of peace in heart. We did her balloon release and as we talked and mingled.. we found many more ladybugs making their presence known. I just know that Savanna and Kamryn were there with us all.. blessing us with these sightings and ensuring us all that they were close by forever and always.
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 That's not all I wanted to write about it.. her birthday is still coming. That day specifically.. a year ago from Monday.. I gave birth to my sweet little Savanna. As I sit and think about that day.. and how she took us completely by surprise in so many ways.. I also began to think of that person. That other Tabatha. The person I used to be. I find myself envying that person. The 'old' me.. the pre-dead daughter me.. I always knew of all the things that could happen. The things to be aware of. Ways to reduce risks.. but like so many.. I was naive.. I just knew I was the exception to the rule. Nothing would happen to MY daughter.. things like that... that happens to other people. I read about those people, but to me? Nope.. I get a pass.. a get out of jail free card... Clearly.. I am no exception to that 'rule.' and i realize.. I miss being that person sometimes. Because now, now I am afraid of everything. In the end, I know the Lord's purpose will be delivered, and whatever the destiny may be is what shall be done. But I am still human. That thought can only comfort me for so long.. there are still pieces of me that fight the darkness of thinking of EVERYTHING that could go wrong.. not just what happened with us. Miscarriage, stillbirth, diseases, infections... the list could go on forever..

And so I wonder.. what kind of mommy will I be next time? Will I be paranoid? Will I be over-protective? I guess these are probably questions we all battle. But I can't help to think back.. think back to the person that I used to be. I enjoyed being pregnant.. (for the most part) loved feeling the kicks and the hiccups.. will I just be nervous all the time? Will I read into every little thing as a sign of bad things to come? I think back to the old me.. I miss that me sometimes... I envy her.. the new me.. the new me is broken, slightly tattered and sloppily put back together. Some days I wish I could have some of the old me back.. but the new me? I guess I will have to learn to accept me. So I'm working on that.. it's hard.. it's difficult.. and it's exhausting. But this is what I get.. this is what I have to offer.. and I'm learning to adjust to the new me.. as much as I don't want to. We all have to do things we don't want to at one time or another, but in order to survive--we have to do it. And me? Well, I'm surviving.

An update.. and a Request

There has been a lot going on lately. Trying to get our Spring for SIDS fundraising organized, getting ready for Savanna's first Birthday in Heaven, and just dealing with everyday life as it jumps into my face.

I have found a new love for scrap booking and crafts. I mean, I have always enjoyed doing it.. but now, now it's becoming a new found passion. It calms me and excites me all in one. I guess mostly  because I can live in that moment and direct my attention to something else, something pretty, something with some self gratification. There's no dead daughter, no sadness, no grief, no negativity.. just me and my creations. Funny how something as silly as cutting and pasting, rhinestoning and sewing can ease your mind. After a few discussions, J has given me the spare room. :) This was to be deemed his 'man cave' but he gets the garage AND the shed.. It's only fair I get the little spare room! So over the next few months I will be getting rid of the current furniture and purchasing new furniture, shelving, and desk. I'm pretty excited.. it's something to center my attention on. As the days go forward and I feel like my grief is at a stand still, I need to stay busy. Any moment of sitting feeling unproductive leaves opportunity for satan to pick at my vulnerability. That's my side project that I have taken a liking to.

I also wanted to update everyone on how we're doing with our SFS (spring for sids) fundraising. So far we have received 23 shirt orders! That's 7 away from our goal!! It is absolutely heart warming and unbelievable all of the support and blessings we have received. Complete strangers have donated and I couldn't be any more humbled. I also got word that there was a $50 donation made yesterday and a $20 one done today. I am absolutely thrilled.

There is only 9 days left to make a shirt order. We will be ordering them on April 1st to ensure they get here on time for us to ship out to you by the 29th. To see what the shirts look like and get more information click here. For this next week, I have also decided to do a donation give-away! For every t-shirt donation you make you will get entered into the drawing for this!

It's the Willow Tree Angel of Hope. This angel signifies so much more then I could even express. It is for hope of a better tomorrow. Hope that one day, no parent will have to hear the word SIDS. Hope that one day, all the broken hearted, empty armed mamas and daddy's will somehow be mended. Hope that people will open their eyes and be so very grateful for what they have in front of them. A hope that I will be re-united with MY angel one day. For each t-shirt you order, I will assign you a number and using random.org I will choose the winner. (yes this includes all of you who have already made a donation!) I will announce the winner on April 12--Savanna's 5 month Angelversary. I am HOPEful that doing something for someone else, will make that day somehow more bearablle and bring a little light into the day. This donation give-away will end on midnight of April 11th. (I know the orders will be closed the 1st, but if you make at least a $20 donation, we will enter your name!)

I have also decided to do a dollar to donate give-away. For every dollar you donate, you will get entered into a drawing for one of these.

It is the pregnancy and infant loss awareness colors with a little charm with footprints. The was made out of para cord by my beautiful friend Megan. You can find her facebook page here. She is a blog reader and sent me one of these and I knew I wanted to give one away as well. I wear mine everyday and feel naked without it! This giveaway starts from today until April 20th. The winner will be chosen and sent out immediately so you can have it by the 29th!
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Lastly, I have a short story to share, and a special request to make. It's not often that we meet people that make such an impact on our lives that it forces us to proofread our own lives. People that touch our hearts and make us better just by being a part of your life. I have grown close to many women in this very heartbroken community. So many survivors and courageous women. Women, who even in their darkest days, will reach out to you and help you see the light. Kandice is that person for me. On March 24, 2010 the Lord needed her little angel Kamryn Jaymes back. Kandice contacted me the day after Savanna died.. and she reached out to me. Over time, she became someone I have come to lean on in my darkest times, and who- I hope- I have been a leaning post for her. We have come to care so much for one another. She is one of those people I feel as if I have known my whole life. We have only met in real life once, and known each other for 4.5 short months. But there is no time with her.. I truly consider her one of my very best friends and sister. Her faith is strong and has taught me so much of who I am. She has her weak moments, her times of darkness, but always finds her refuge in the Lord. I will receive a text, a message, a scripture verse or quote.. always at the right moment. We both believe our girls are BFF's in Heaven! After all.. we both share the ladybug as our signs from our girls.

Those who are aware of your dates will note that tomorrow is March 24. Tomorrow, will mark the one year Angel-versary of sweet Kamryn joining the Lord's side in Heaven. It also signifies the day that changed my dear friend's life forever. And though I know this month, this week has been so surreal, so painful, so numbing, and shocking for her, she has still managed to find some ounce of energy she has to comfort me as I prepare for Savanna's birthday. So I ask you this.. as a mother to another mother, as a baby loss mama to another, as a child of Christ to another, as a person to another person... I encourage you to help my very best friend Kandice and her family remember Kamryn. Honor Kamryn.. The family has asked that everyone wear pink in honor of their sweet little angel. Take pictures if you can so they can add them to her scrap book. (you can email pictures to me if you like if you do not know Kandice personally and I will ensure they get to her) Wear your pink and remember the little angel that blessed this family and is changing the world. Because of Kamryn and because of Savanna.. they have maneuvered the clouds and blended Kandice's path with mine. Although I hate this is how we had to come to meet, I'm so grateful to have her in my life. So wear your pink tomorrow, say a prayer and lift this family up.. And the next time you see a ladybug, think not only of Savanna--but sweet Savanna and precious Kamryn bouncing through the clouds hand in hand.

Kamryn Jaymes December 22, 2009 - March 24, 2010

Hiding

I have been in hiding. Can you tell? Partly it was because J and had a get-a-way this past weekend.
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Our very dear and wonderful friends.. scratch that--family.. have made some huge decisions in their lives. A decision that will change their course-their journey for the better. And we just had to be there to be their number one fans! These wonderful people also happen to be Savanna's Godparents.. and they are pretty phenomenal people! Things haven't always been easy and simple for them.. but they have shown me that with the Faith in the Lord, love and compassion for one another.. you can surpass all things crappy! Because of the B's, I am a better child of Christ, wife, mother and friend. They have seen me at my most darkest and helped me out, but have been there at the most brightest, and yet still lifted me up. The Lord knew we needed them in our lives.. for many reasons I could not even begin to verbally express. The human language is so limited, there just aren't enough words in the English language. So to you Mr and Mrs B.. Godfather and Godmama to Savanna--thank you. Thank you for holding my hand through the happy and the sad. Thank you for getting me and all my idiosyncrasies. Thank you for always being true to me, and telling me not always what I WANTED to hear, but what I NEEDED to hear. Thank you for being my voice of reasoning.. but most of all. Thank you for letting me grieve for Savanna and not feel guilty. Thank you for letting me rant and rage, cry and laugh without ever judging. But most of all... thank you for being YOU. Our lives are brighter because of YOU!
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Mostly I have been sneaking back into my hole due to the week to come. In less then a week.. we will be celebrating Savanna's first Birthday. Except one very intricate piece to the picture as a whole will be missing. The guest of honor.. the birthday girl. She won't be there.. not in the form that I would like at least. And in the past few days, it's starting to become less surreal and very much REAL. And I don't like it.

Sure, I've been planning things. I sent out 50+ invitations for her balloon release, set up an event on FB for all to attend, blogged about it several times.. but it was always something off in the distance. Something that I wouldn't REALLY have to deal with. In my mind somehow, I still think I'm going to wake up. So, I have twisted it around.. I fake it. I pretend that she really will be there. That I will wake up on that day to her sweet little coo's over the baby monitor. I have dreamed of that day in my mind.. thought of every little detail. I started planning her first birthday when she was merely hours old. I already had her little hat and tutu. I had her birthday outfits picked out. But now.. now it's becoming the actuality of it all. The realness of the crap pot that the universe has delivered me is no longer a dream. I am waking up and realizing that she's not going to be there. There will be no tutu's or first birthday hats.. no first birthday pictures with the front teeth grin. No cake in the face pictures or punch to serve. No party favors to make or goody bags to pass out. There will be no presents.. no tearing or crinkling of paper and scattered bows and ribbons.

Instead there will be photographs of balloons we send to Heaven. Notes and letters that we write to her. A visit to her spot with birthday flowers and wishes. A moment for J and I to try to cling to what was once our family. Thinking about plates and cups, cakes and balloons, helium tanks and tablecloths.. it makes me sick. It throws it all in my face and gets waved around, teasing me of what I no longer have. Because I'm planning a celebration to celebrate a life that is no longer here. A life that came and blessed me for 7.5 months. And now I have to try with every fiber and ounce of strength I have left to try to remember her, to remember Savanna. I don't want that day to come. I remember her birth like it was yesterday. And instead of feeling that pureness, that joy, that fulfillment as I finally got to become a mommy for real.. I will feel empty, heartbroken, lost and voided. My mommy membership has been taken away. It's been cancelled. I read on a friend's blog and she said "my mommy membership has been revoked." ain't that the truth! At least that's how it feels.

So forgive me for shying away and being less then social. My heart is breaking and I'm trying to pick up the pieces but it's shattered into a million pieces. It's as if someone is trailing behind me holding the pieces for me.. but he can't keep up. For every time they seem to fit back together, they shatter into a million more. So, I have pretended this life doesn't exist. I have pretended that everything is normal. But thinking of plates and balloons pictures and cake, I have realized I can't pretend anymore. I have to face it.. I have to face it full force with my whole heart. It's not about what I want.. what I want I can't have, It's about what I have to do. And I have to keep going. I have to continue to survive. It hurts like hell.. to feel like I am moving forward without her. But in my heart and in my memories, I know is where she now resides. I wish it were different. I will wish this for the rest of my life I'm sure. Be patient with me, be kind, be compassionate.. help me find my way out of this very dark deep hole.

I thought it was supposed to get better with time? Time seems to be at a standstill and the dirt is turning to mud to quicksand and it's getting harder and harder to pull myself to the opening.

So you see, sometimes I would just rather hide. Hide and pretend.. because in that little nook.. everything does seem to be OK. But I will make a promise that I won't stay in there forever.. just for now...

Humbled

Each day is a different day. Some days I wake and I know it's going to be a good one, others I can wake up and know that it's going to be a dark day. Today I woke up and I knew it was going to be a replay day. You know the replay of that day, that November 12. Each time I blink or close my eyes, my mind would flash back to that horrendous day. Vivid details scattered everywhere. Images of my daughter no longer with us. Pictures of doctors and nurses, ambulances and medics. Screams and cries, yells and pain. It just continued throughout the day. And as I tried to grab onto a good memory, a happy one.. the replay played louder and stronger. The repeat button pressed, the stop and off button busted. I was at a loss. And there I was sitting at my desk fighting back the tears, longing to hold my baby girl just once more. I found myself sitting there staring at the blank computer screen, the cursor staring back at me. I found myself talking to God, asking him to give her back.. even if it's for just one minute... I promised him I would cherish that minute, if only to smell her sweet smell once again to renew my memories of her every wrinkle, fold, hair and roll. I would do it, and i would never ask Him for anything ever again. Just please give me one minute. But reality sank in, and in the flesh I knew it wouldn't happen. And the dark began to steal over my every essence. I didn't care about anything at the point. I pretended to look busy, looked up and nodded when a question was asked and carried forth throughout the day.


J texted me in that exact moment. It's funny, he seems to always know when I'm in a hump. Here was our convo..

J: "How's it going."

T: "Not good, it's been a replay kinda day."

J: "Just remember the good memories."

T: "I'm trying but it's not working. I'm having a hard time remembering."

J: "Remember the raptor."

I literally started cracking up. Out loud, like a fool, at the front of the office. I couldn't help it. What am I talking about? This is what I'm talking about...

She was just a day old. J took this picture and we always joked, this was her raptor finger.. I thought of this moment and it brought a smile to my face. We chatted a bit more and I got back to work. Well tried to work. As much as it helped to have a little laughter in the dark moment.. The shadows were still weighing heavily on me. Then I checked my facebook and I had a few messages. All of them from people who wanted to just share how much Savanna's story had touched their lives. How it had made them a better mother. These ladies told me how they think about us and Savanna daily. I couldn't help but smile. My words meant something to someone else. Savanna's story, her life, was.. no IS making an impact all around the world. One of the messages, she told me she wanted to make something special in honor of Savanna.. I'm not sure what it is yet, as she's working on it. But I have seen some of her pieces, and I am excited! I then received another email from another momma who follows along. She was so deeply touched by our Savanna that she went and dedicated a star and named it after our baby girl. I was absolutely taken away. I was so humbled. Thank you CD!! Slowly I could feel the darkness lifting.. the replay wasn't playing as vividly and started to become slightly more transparent. She emailed me the certificate and I couldn't wait to show J. It doesn't stop there!

I received another donation for another shirt (that brings the count up to 8!) I also spoke with my good friend JE with the spiritline in AZ. She already received an order for a shirt and many requests to come. She sent out a mass email about all of the schools in the district participating in a jean week.. all of the proceeds will be donated to the SIDS foundation in Savanna's honor. One of the other schools had already wrote her back that they wanted to participate! She has made it their goal to get orders for shirts! At that point I couldn't stop smiling. I was so taken a back and overwhelmed. So many wonderful gifts were being put in my path. So many humbling experiences forcing me to take a step back and look at the picture as a whole. My world had seemingly become slightly less shaky and quite a bit lighter. The replay had stopped. Only sound bites and snippets seemed to entertain my thought process. And then the icing on the cake.

I just finished doing a couple pages in my scrapbook. Hubby went to bed, and I of course still awake decided that I was going to blog about my humbling experiences. As I logged in I found I had an email that I had received a comment. Here is bit from what she wrote:

"Since reading your story on Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope, I have been trying to think of something to do in honor of your Savanna. Last night I searched for and tried something on a whim, and made a little tribute to Savanna on my blog."

My mind was spinning.. there was more?? What more did the Lord have in store for me today. She provided me with a link to her blog.. so I went to it. And what I found, and what I read.. it took my breath away. Tears began to stream down my face as this stranger, this person on the other end of an IP address dedicated her blog and that post to my Savanna. She is a fellow BLM and has always been so sweet in her comments. But this, this was unexpected. It may seem to some so trivial and small. But it's those small moments that make up the bigger moments. It's those tiny bits in time that make the difference between a good day or a bad. It's the small stuff I miss the most when it comes to Savanna. So to see that she has changed her personal space... her personal diary and testament of herself to represent my special little girl.. well it just began to humble me to a place that the Lord clearly knew I needed to be. (Please check out Rebecca's Blog and read her words.)


It is now that I realize, that God did answer my request, my prayer. Not in the specific sense that I wanted it.. I wanted her physical being here, and that just can't happen... But He did remind me that she is always with me.. in my heart, in the hearts of others, in the world surrounding me, in the small and intricate details of the earth, in the meaningful words of another, in the humbling and selfless acts of a complete stranger, in ladybug sightings, sunflowers, and sunsets. He gave me more then just a minute with her. He's giving me an eternity. A forever. It's not the way I pictured it, but if it's the only way I can have her, then I will take it with heart and arms wide open. He also reminded me that I have to fight and I have to keep fighting. I can't and I won't let the darkness win--because I am a survivor. If I sat in the dark and let the movie replay day after day.. I would be missing out on my many many many minutes with Savanna.

Memories on Mondays

Everyday I struggle to remember all things Savanna. So here I am to document yet another memory I have stored in the files of my mind. It's one of my favorites. Well, they're all my favorites.. All my memories have their special spots and spaces in my heart and mind. They are numbered and only 7.5 months worth. I won't have new ones to make, so I must recall these old to remember her always.

We had tried several times from the time she turned about 5 months to feed her baby food. We started her off with rice cereal in her bottle and then oatmeal and slowly thickened it up. We would try to feed her with the spoon.. but that never went very well. She tried to suck it rather then eat from it. Then this day, we tried. It was green beans. It was like switch was flipped and suddenly she saw the spoon and knew exactly what to do with it. She couldn't get enough of it!

She was ecstatic at this new flavor.. this new taste in her mouth. She kept grabbing for the jar wanting more. Pushing her tongue everywhere. It was all we could do to not roll over laughing. If we didn't feed her fast enough she would open her mouth, stick out her tongue and look at you with those big ol' eyes. It was enough to melt your heart everywhere. Not only did she not know how to maneuver this new trick, neither did mommy and daddy. Hence.. food EVERYWHERE! We would sit her in her little bumbo, wrap a blanket around her, strap on a bib and go to town.

Meal time became one of my favorites with her. She LOVED to eat. Fruits and veggies.. didn't matter what it was. If she could eat it, she would! Peas, carrots, squash, green beans. All of it. 

I love looking back at these pictures. I'm taken back to that time and that place. Makes me remember that yes she is real, and she was really here. Some days I feel like I'm walking someone else's life. That I'm in someone else's skin. Only to have the abrupt realization that this is my life and my skin.. and there's no turning back time or waking up from the nightmare.
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As we move further away from that day.. I feel that I am moving further away from her. I know that I can never forget her, and I know that she will always be my daughter...I don't need to be told that.. the difference is that it doesn't always FEEL that way. It's a struggle each day to stay connected with her, to keep her at the very top of it all. Some days she's fading into the background while other days she's extraordinarily vibrant. It scares me.. feeling this way. In my mind I know that I'll always remember and I'll never forget.. but my heart, and my feelings.. they seem to be tugging.

I often wonder if it's just satan trying to make his move. One of my very best friends KB has brought his up several times and it really makes me think. These reactions, these feelings that I'm having. Is it God just trying to shield me from the pain.. or is it satan just poking me at my most weakest and vulnerable moments? How am I to know? The love with which the Lord graces us is apparent in so many everyday acts and wonderous beauties, yet sometimes I feel like I'm drowning just trying to find that within myself. It's a battle between good and evil in a sense. This grief thing.. it's a confusing and sick circle of emotions. No matter which place you're at, you always end up feeling something similar that you did before. Sure they say you can go back to certain 'steps' many many times, but sometimes you're stuck in between two different ones. Both of them threatening to tear you to pieces.

When I feel these pieces ripping, and I feel like satan himself is trying to wage a war on my inner thoughts, I remember Savanna. I look at her pictures and recall the memories and snippets in time. I only have few of them.. but I have some. And as I look at these pictures I see it and I am reminded. I am reminded of the love and the grace bestowed upon us by God. She is a child of Christ, as I am.. and even though I don't always want to admit it, she was just on loan to us. God loved her first, and loves her now.. And he hand picked me to be her momma and J to be her daddy. He knew there was something in us that would be able to nurture her and love her in just the way he needed it done. And we did, and we did it so well that he needed her back; sooner then we were ready, but our purpose was served and hers completed. I saw a quote the other day.. I can't remember where. But when I read it.. the words resonated to the core of my being and stuck like a tack to me. So I would like to leave you with it... 

"Some people only dream of angels, I held one in my arms."  

My blog-over! and an update :)

Wellll... I'm sure you can see.. My blog got a blog-over!! The ever so talented and wonderful Franchesca over at Small Bird Studios created this beautiful space! I contacted her a few weeks ago. I had been seeing all these beautiful blogs designs she had been doing.. and as I had been struggling trying to make this space, MY space I knew she was the one to go to! Not only did I want it to represent me, but also Savanna. After all.. she is my reason! And what I saw took my breath away! It emits me and my Savanna.. and I am so grateful! Thank you Franchesca!!

I also got a new button!! So if you have my old one.. throw that out and grab the new one! I think it's much better.. it shows of my Savanna's beautiful face :))
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In other news.. I wanted to give an update on our Spring for SIDS campaign!! So far, Savanna's Smiles has received $100 in donations to date!! I am so excited as we still have a month and a half left!! If you would like to support our cause and give in honor of Savanna just click on that donate button right over there ------> to the right.

Minimum $5 donation and we will send you a donation card with information on the organization and ways to reduce the chances of SIDS as well as a sticker to wear on April 29th to show your support in the awareness of SIDS. Once your donation is received, the card will be sent. :)

If you would like a t-shirt to wear to show your support, you can make a minimum donation of $20 for adult or $15 for youth. A few have asked if we have onesies... although I would love to offer this, we aren't able to offer that this year. But we definitely will look into it for future fundraisers! :) (to see the tshirt, click here) We will take orders for t-shirts until April 1st. At that time we will close the orders on shirts so that we can order them and allow for enough time to get them to us and out to you before April 29th!

(If you do not have a paypal account or a credit card, you can mail me a donation. Shoot me an email or message on facebook and I'll provide you with the info!)

Donation will always be accepted!
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There is also a group in AZ that is helping us in our mission to spread SIDS awareness in honor of Savanna. The Dysart High School Spiritline in El Mirage, AZ have also started a team 'Savanna's Angels' We are so honored and excited for all of the things they are doing in honor of our little Angel. (this was the school I graduated from and also coached at for 5 years!) They too will be taking orders for t-shirts! Our goal is to get as many people out there to be wearing a t-shirt or a ribbon/sticker! I can't wait to see all the pictures!! I am so blessed and humbled to be blessed to know so many kind hearted people. Thank you!!!!

Thank you to those who have donated thus far.. we are that much closer to $500!!!

A Letter to Savanna.. and my happy list

Well my little bug... it's been awhile since I really wrote you. So I thought tonight seemed a fitting night. You know, it's been 4 months since you took your last breaths. I can't help to think about what we were doing just 4 short months ago this very evening. There were so many people here. Family and friends that drove in, just to be here with your mommy and daddy. People who loved you with their whole hearts. We were making phone calls and just trying to stay a float. It all seemed so surreal.. I was waiting to just wake up. Wake up and hear your beautiful cries and see your sweet face. All that I had was an image of you with tubes everywhere, an empty heart, barren arms, and a purple box. I don't remember specific details. it seems so long ago, yet I can hear the sirens, the beeping of the machines in the hospital as if it were yesterday. I can close my eyes and imagine my fingers smoothing your hair for the last time and holding your little feeties. Those are my favorite ya know? I miss those little feets of yours.. they were sweaty and clammy just like your daddy's. And you would curl them all sorts of funny little ways. I just loved them. I remember looking at them for the last time trying to will them to curl.. as if my mind could will you back to life.. back to breathing.. But, as we know.. that didn't happen. And here I am. 4 months later. On your angel-versary. Crazy isn't it? We have deemed a term for this day.

I wonder everyday what you're doing up in Heaven. I wonder how you look with your wings.. I'm sure you're absolutely breathtaking. You took my breath away everyday on this earth, my mind simply can't grasp the beauty that you must be emitting now. I have met lots of new friends. But you know that don't you?! I know you and their baby's are up there, re-arranging the clouds ensuring that we all find each other. You all know we need each other. And so you have made it possible for our stumbling upons to be meaningful and heartfelt. You're a smart little one.. You knew I would need these very special mommas to get me through some of the toughest of days. Is it possible that I continue to love you more and more everyday? Just when I think my heart and my very being will explode with the ever flowing love  coursing through me, something happens.. and it just seems to expand. So this brings me to my next subject. One of your sweet little friends, Aiden's momma (Natasha) has started this really neat thing. It's called the Happy List Saturday blog hop.. every week on Saturday we are going to write about things that made us happy through out the week.





At first I didn't want to. I knew what today was. What it symbolized. I tried so hard all to do not cry, and not be sad. I tried to look at today like it was any other day.. a normal day. But then I realized, I don't even know what a normal day is anymore. My perception of normal has been flipped over and fallen into oblivion. Be that as it may.. I still pretended I knew. All day, I though of you. I tried not to replay the movie in my head, but that haunting task seemed to fail. So when I came home and saw the message of the blog hop.. I turned away. But then.. it's as if you knew I needed something more. I remember the pictures I had been sent of ladybugs and all the wonderful gifts we had received because of you in the last week or so. And I knew you were speaking directly to my heart. So here I am to participate. And I am going to tell you all about our Happy List for this week.


1. First I want you to see this awesome bracelet that my new friend Megan made! She started reading my blog and wanted to do something special for us! Do you see the S and the ladybug?? She made that extra little touch because she knows how special those are to me. She has a heart of giving and kindness. Thank you for allowing her to be a part of my life!  

Thanks to Megan at Under_Construction Survival Bracelets

2. Now I'm sure you know this little boy! His name is Jeremiah (Racquel is his mommy) Well, she started this wonderful legacy in his honor and started making these awesome magnet butterflies for the mommy's and daddy's down here on earth. But she even went above and beyond that. She offered to make some for the memory boxes we are doing in your honor! I can't wait to get Savanna's Sunshine really up and going. You have inspired me little girl, inspired me to do wonderful things in your honor. And just look at another friend your mommy made! 

3. Next on the list... your angel bear. I know you never got to cuddle this bear.. this one is very special. At your special memorial service in Phoenix, everyone signed a heart and put it in the bear. Some even wrote you a little note. Then it was sewed up and sent home with us. They even put a beating heart in it! Well, she's been naked since we got her that day, and finally I decided it was time to clothe her. I wanted to find the perfect outfit. I found this perfect little princess dress with little ballerina slippers. You were going to by my little dancer! Of course it came complete with the bow (you know how your mama loved bows!!) and last but not least, angel wings. It seemed fitting you know? Today being what it is and all.. I think she's perfect. She reminds me of you.. reminds me how much I miss you too..

4. Can you believe there's another? You're one loved little girl that's for sure! This one is one of the best. It's a special quilt. There's not another in the world like it. After you went with Jesus, one of my friends asked me if I would like a quilt to be made out of some of your clothes. I immediately agreed. I knew this would be a wonderful way to remember you! So you're daddy and I went into your room and we picked out some of our favorite outfits of yours. We had no idea what to expect, but knew it was going to be perfect. It finally came, after much anticipation and tons of excitement to see the finished product. And well, let the pictures speak for themselves! As soon as we opened the box your daddy and I smiled from ear to ear as we remembered so many happy times.. all from little 6 inch square pieces of cloth. I'll admit, I smelled them to see if your scent was still present... but I found nothing.

5. Well here is the last of the happy things.. ladybugs. You always know just when I need an extra push. You have only sent me one once since you've died. I have wished for my own personal witnessing to one, but I know that when you do finally land on my lap, it will be a magnificent moment in time. But until then, you're sending love to all those around me. And all those are sharing with me!!

So, it's time for me to go now. I've written a long enough letter. I miss you more and more everyday. Just know that so many people here love you too. So many that I truly believe you have had a hand in crossing my path.

It's been 4 months.. I'm not sure how I got here.. not sure how I'll get to your birthday or the next month. But somehow, you'll place these happy moments into my life so that I can breathe another breath and take another step. Keep the love coming in any shape or form it may take.. it keeps me going and keeps my heart connected with yours. Never leave my heart Savanna... I didn't know what a life was like until I gave you life. I love you for always.. I love you forever... I love you with my whole heart and every fiber of my being.

Loving you from earth,
Mommy