August 13, 2015

Unknown Milestones

I just looked at my last post. It's been well over a year. I can't promise I will make a habit of writing again.. although I do enjoy it. It's soothing, relaxing, cathartic and just therapeutic. But. It also costs time. Time is something I seem to need more and more of everyday. I can't tell you how many days I wanted to come to this place, my blinking cursor and keyboard with the brilliant white blank screen and just go write. But time gets ahead of me and I end up walking away and hitting the red X in the corner. Today I decided not to hit the X, to continue the blinking cursor, to paint the words across the blank canvas as I've wanted to do time and time again. So many milestones have surpassed us, so many trials and tribulations. Celebrations have had, tears have been shed, joy and triumphant beginnings have come to the forefront of our paths. Ella has been born. Actually, Ella is now 14 months old. Savanna's sister is 14 months old. Is your mind blown? Because mine is.

Each day I am in awe of her, each day I am in pure amazement at the amount of love I have for her grows. And there's a moment when you think it won't grow anymore... but than she looks at you and smiles and you feel the chambers of your heart shiver as it expands a bit more. To say it's amazing being a mom to an earthly being again would be insulting to the true nature of those feelings. Of the daily encounterings. The words that describe our world with Ella living, breathing and with a heart beating next to ours simply don't exist. It is unwordly and purely Godly.

But ever since Savanna's death I find myself shifting in the sands of the 'with every good there is a bad.' They say a positive and a negative attract one another and I'm not sure the other side of this postitive is purely negative or if it's just me being me. Being a mom without one of her girls on her hip. As I find my heart growing each day with gratitude, strength and love for Ella.. I become lost and confused. My chambers of my heart for Savanna is so architecturally different. It doesn't continuously shiver with growth because I have no fresh face to gaze over at. It grows with wonderment and sadness. Joy and happiness yes. But in the last few weeks, maybe even months.. I've found myself missing her more and more. Is that possible? Apparently so. My love for her has never changed. To say it is stagnant seems a misrepresentation of my love for her.. but it doesn't grow in the same way it does for Ella. So as we mother's do.. we question ourselves. I question why my love is so different.. althought in my mind I know I don't love one more than the other.. I do know I love them differently. And I guess the point I'm reaching is that I hate the stagnant love. I want my love for Savanna to grow and develop. I want each structure for each of my girls to continue to shiver to glorious heights because I simply cannot contain it. But it doesn't. And I feel guilty for it. But it's my unfortunate reality.

As I experience milestone after milestone with Ella that I never got to with Savanna... I feel.. sad. I want to experience it with both of them. To know what it's like to have a 5 year old AND a 14 month old running around. I want to watch S and E play.. I want to break up teenage fights in the bathroom. I want all these things that just aren't going to happen. And it tugs at my heart strings. I haven't felt my ground quake in quite some time.. but it shakes a bit with every other step I take. Ella gives me purpose and strength and reason. Savanna is my backbone and my reason. But sometimes there is a thick layer of ice not willing to break easily.

Savanna would be 5. Five. And starting kindergarten. Right when you think you've surpassed all milestones... another one bites you in the ass. And usually when you don't expect it. Life sucks sometimes. And even after 4.5 years.. the hurt still hurts. The cut still burns. And the hole feels just as large as it did the day you said goodbye.

I think I'll go squeeze my Ella now.

February 2, 2014

Full Length Gender Reveal of our Rainbow Baby

Hope you enjoy!

February 1, 2014

It's A... | Pregnant with our Rainbow

yes i know i've promised an update. and yes i know i suck. i'm working on being better. promise!

school has just started back and i'm starting to get back into a groove and a shake.

but i know you don't want to hear all that... you want some type of an update.. so here it is..

we had our gender reveal today.. and it was AMAZING!!! beautifully and so thoughtfully done by my best LH. i couldn't have asked for anything better. so here's a a little video of not only the gender reveal but the name reveal also!

i'll be back later this week with our reactions and feelings.

we are so incredibly blessed and excited.

enjoy :)





And here's a little peek at the 21 week bumperoo

J and I were team blue... obviously we had it wrong... :) 

December 29, 2013

Bumperoo Update Part 1 | Pregnant with our Rainbow Sprout

this may be the only time i will allow any type or form of slander...

i knew i had fallen behind on blogging but just how far behind i was not aware until i clicked onto my blog and saw my last update was at 7 weeks!!!

it's actually part of my new year's resolution :)

holy cow.

that's 10 weeks ago!!! and so as said previously this will be the one and only (hopefully) time i will say that yes you may virtually bash me. BUT be kind.. i am hormonal ;)

so many of you have asked via fb/instagram/yt if i'm going to continue to do the blog updates. and the answer is YES!!! 

in this post i'll talk about how i've been feeling and just overall what's going on. i'll do another one on the doctor's appts and sonogram (with pics of course) and then I'll have one with all the bumperoo pics :)

so as it stands today i am 17 weeks!!!

yup 2nd trimester and just 2 weeks away from being at the halfway point!

how am i feeling?? well not 100%

i will definitely say that this little bean is kickin my butt!!!

i know that it's said that each and every pregnancy is different and that couldn't more closer to the truth.

sushi (yes i get the cooked kind. and yes fish is ok. just have to know which kinds to eat and which to stay away from.)
caramel frappe from mcdonalds only

fast food (the smell blegh)

although no longer throwing up, i still deal with bouts of nausea and a cough accompanied by a very attractive gag and dry heave. yup it's hot. i mean come on who doesn't love a good gag and a heave?!

but as long as i stay eating i do pretty ok.

the indigestion and heartburn are pretty ferocious. i had a piece of cake the other day and got indigestion! it's blasphemy!

the ta-ta's no longer give me pain but they sure are giving me back pain along with the accompanying growing belly bump :) (if you don't follow me on instagram you should, i try to post weekly belly updates on there)

mostly the back pain kicks in first thing in the morning so i've started sleeping with a pillow between my legs and it seems to help tremendously. i have been struggling with sciatica since before i got preggo and it has definitely increased in severity. i go to the chiropractor (yes it has been ok'd with my doc and it's completely safe as long as you chiropractor is certified to work on preggos :) ) every other week or so and it definitely seems to help. i'm usually a wee bit sore the next day but by day 2/3 ish i'm feelin fun and fancy free--well kinda.

definitely still tired but can get good bursts of energy. so at least the housework is getting caught up on and i'm not ALWAYS sleeping... just SOMETIMES sleeping hehe

the poo factory has been terrible. 'nough said.

booogers. (yes you must say with the puckering out of your lips and the accentuation of the o. go ahead do it. you'll make yourself giggle a little hehe)

bloated of course. gassy yes. burpy always.

maybe you may be reading this thinking.. gah stop complaining already! and i know i know. while i do have my moments of whoa is me how terrible i feel. most moments i am perfectly ok with all the hub-bub that accompanies this little growing blessing. because i know it is just that a precious little blessing. and i'll take the torment and the beating for as long as needed if that ensures this little sprout continues to thrive and grow. it's not easy growing people ya know? :)

but aside from the not-so-but-kinda-cruddiness of this growing bean there's much to be happy and joyous about.

the belly bump is growing and no longer just looks flabby. at least in my mind it's the yea she's pregnant belly rather then the umm is she pregnant or just fat belly. come on. you know what i'm talking about.

the flutters are slowly turning into movements. i've been feeling the flutters for a good 1-2 weeks now with what i think was a definite intentional wallup to my uterine lining yesterday (december 28, 2013) it was weird but also very familiar. those were my most cherished and favorite moments of pregnancy with Savanna. feeling her move, seeing her move. just so incredibly neat and wonderful and mystifying. it defies my earthly human logic to know that that little person is going to be in my arms in no time at all.

i'm getting to know this little bean of ours and it's the most wonderous thing anyone can experience. the bond i already have. the love that already erupts from the very center of my heart and soul is amazing and breathtaking. i almost started to forget what it felt like. how fresh it is. but how easily it has come back. and how natural it feels. i could never wrap my brain around loving two different little people so much. but it's been told to me so many times by so many people that it just happens. it works. you don't share the same love. you offer different love but of the same magnification and fullness of grace. your heart it intensifies its feeling and grows with the magnificence of itself. and before you even can conscniously realize you love another while the loving the first all in the same breath.

that right there. next to the gift of life itself has been the most amazing symptom of pregnancy after loss that i have yet to experience.


Part 2 coming soon

October 21, 2013

7 Week Bumperoo | Pregnant with our Rainbow Sprout

hello again!

here we are for another bumpdate!

right to it, here's the 7 week pic!

i'm still learning to embrace this 'body' and just accept and be grateful. i am still incredibly self conscious about my baby belly. the ridiculous and sometimes rude comments had been getting to my head. i am learning to brush that off and say to hell with them. anyone who knows us and knows our story knows of the journey we've taken to get to this point.

basically, if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all.

now moving on :)

symptom time!

the number 1 culprit this week?



i though maybe, just maybe i had escaped this wretched wench. but alas, here we are hand in hand. it pretty much just lingers throughout the whole day. as long as i stay constantly eating i'm in the clear - with just a slight lingering of the nausea. if i don't then it's nausea on the brink of throwing up. i haven't yet actually throwin up, but i have felt obnoxiously close to it. what's worse though is that food is unappealing to me. if you know me at all you know J and i LOVE food. we would travel the world and eat at different places if we could. but right now i can't stand anything! i never have a taste for anything and nothing ever sounds good. i pretty well just have to force myself to eat at least every 2 hours. and on top of that, when i do eat it's never enough to make me feel satisfied.  it's like i pretty much stay hungry.


as much as i detest being nauseated 24/7 i am also embracing it. i am thankful for it. you may not be able to tell when you talk to me on a daily basis (i'm the worse sick person EVER) but i really am. it just affirms to me that stuff is working right. little rainbow is doing work and working hard to make sure he/she meets us in real life one day. it keeps me hopeful and happy all the while keeping me grumpy. :)

i'm still tired. and exhausted. all i want to do is sleep. and ever since the nausea started the exhaustion has gotten worse. i try to rest as often as i can. and of course take it easy. but sometimes it's not possible when i work a full time job and am in nursing school. BUT, it's NOTHING i can't handle :) and every bump along the way is completely worth it.

still thirsty.

boobs still hurt.

headaches have definitely gotten better. so thankful for that for sure.

ultimately i am just overjoyed and thrilled. i hate to sound like i'm 'complaining.' i am really just ready to fully enjoy being pregnant.. it's just a wee bit hard to do when you feel like poo all the time. but i know it's temporary. and just to think i'm already 7 weeks! i'm already halfway done with the first trimester. it's amazing really.

i'm still incredibly baffled each and every day. i'm finally starting to 'feel' pregnant. the nausea has definietly encouraged that feeling :) but mostly i feel like i am finally accepting that this is truly happening. after everything we've gone through. everything we've conquered. everything we've survived. and we still get a happy chapter out of it.

it's been quite the humbling experience so far. i miss my girl each and every day. but i find comfort in knowing they already know each other.

October 14, 2013

6 Week Bumperoo | Pregnant with our Rainbow Sprout

Ahhhhhh.... I still can't believe i am posting these updates. it's been a dream. and sometimes an incredibly far-fetched dream. but it's real. i am constantly reminding myself everyday that this is really happening. i don't know if i'll ever get used to this.

it's amazing though really.

today j and i were talking at lunch. i told him i can't wait to meet him. yup... we're calling Rainbow a 'him.' we've 'known' since before we ever got pregnant we were going to have a boy next. we'll have to wait and find out but we're pretty certain. hehe...

before i get into all the deets of this past week here's the 6 week Bumperoo shot :)

I feel like i look so much more 'pregnant' then i really am in all actuality. i know alot of that is bloat and food haha. it kinda scares me.. i'm already 'showing' this much now and i'm barely halfway through the FIRST trimester!! i didn't start showing this much with Savanna until i was like 20 week!!!

let me see if i can find my 6 week pic with Savanna.

Ok so this is all i could find.. don't feel like getting my lazy pregnant ass off the recliner. :) i'm 10 weeks in this pic above and i'm still not as 'big' as i am now


so i just keep telling myself it's because you show quicker with the second. it tends to make me feel a wee bit better.

in terms of how i'm feeling.. not too bad actually.

the bloat has eased up for the most part BUT does sneak it's way in. i'm sure it's a certain something i'm eating that's causing it but i'm not paying enough attention to notice what exactly it is.

the thirst still stole the show this past week! all i CRAVED was water!!! so that's all i pretty much drank. and of course because i drank the worlds amount in water i peed the worlds amount in water.

i'm starting to wake up in the middle of the night to pee.. blegh. i like my sleep. i hate peeing. it's quite inconvenient let me just say that.

boobs -- yup still hurt. and. they feel like freakin boulders. (sorry if you didn't want to really know that but you must know there will be talks of things such as this on a pregnancy blog hehe) ps at least im not talking of lady bits and things ;)

swelling... WTF?!?! already???? i am angry at this symptom. haha. but really it's irritating. it's more intermittent that constant. i wake up and my hands and feet  feel like human snausages (yes i meant sNausage). by mid morning to afternoon the swelling goes down. not sure why i'm already retaining water. but it sucks. for reals! i can still wear my wedding ring, BUT there was a day where it was a wee bit uncomfortable.

still not feeling sick (thank goodness). i know i'm not out of the woods yet. but keeping my fingers crossed.

i'm ALWAYS hungry. i can definitely tell when i need to eat. it's like my stomach starts talking to me and anyone near by. pretty well i'm just constantly snacking. and of course trying to keep some healthy options.

PREGNANCY BRAIN!!!! its the worst! i am forgetting WHOLE CONVERSATIONS! who does that??? me that's who. i may as well be in a vegetative state. (i feel like i've said that before?) i mean, if you know me at all you know that i am a little off the wall at times BUT it's getting slightly out of hand now.

EXHAUSTION. i am so incredibly tired and un motivated to do anything! remember what i said about peeing? it's exhausting! just the act of walking to the bathroom and going through the motions. cleaning my kitchen? yea doesn't happen. you should see the mounds of laundry that need to be done. it's either spend my energy on homework or cleaning.. i have to chose homework. hah. i take naps as often as i can. and go to sleep as early as possible. 

as far as clothes? pants don't fit anymore. i did the rubber band trick this week for church. went and bought a belly band today and some more yoga pants. i need more comfort in my life right now. :) 

emotionally i'm a roller coaster. i have days that i feel extra cry-ee. and others that i don't. most of the time i'm a wee bit snippy and sarcastic (but not in a dry funny kinda way) mostly towards J. him thinks it funny to poke fun at the pregnant chick he knocked up. me thinks i'd like to punch him in the nose :)

i am still coming to grips with the fact that i get to be an earthly mom again. it still takes my breath away and makes my heart go pitter patter. i already love Rainbow Sprout so much. i still feel an empty tugless hole.. but somehow the hole doesn't seem quite so deep and treacherous. it seems more bearable. and it comforts me think that our sweet Savanna has already met and molded their baby brother or sister. so they're not strangers. they're already best friends.

that makes me smile lots :)

October 8, 2013

5 Week Bumperoo | Pregnant with our Rainbow Sprout

Well here it is!! my first bumperoo!!! also to be known as my weekly pregnancy update.

it's still so incredibly strange that i'm making this post right now.. still so surreal.

i asked j last night if it seemed real to him yet.. nope he says.. i agree i say. to think we've worked so incredibly hard these last 2.5 years-- in our grief journey, our marriage journey, our personal journeys, and our infertility journey. whew! but i will have to say that getting that BFP (big fat positive) makes every bump and bruise so dang worth it!

so let's just get right to it shall we??

i am 'technically' 5 weeks and 3 days as of today. this is all going off of my lmp (last menstrual period) (don't worry you'll catch on to the baby-makin jargon eventually ;) ) i plugged the numbers into and that's what i got!

in terms of how i'm feeling.. well i don't feel pregnant haha. mostly just frumpy and fat right now. as it is i am about 30 lbs overweight so that doesn't help with the confidence at all! but it is what it is right?!


tired all the time! i sleep all the time! if you know me at all you know i'm not a nap taker. well.. i am now officially a nap taker. the longer the better! the house is falling behind because i'd rather sleep then wash the dishes. :) 

no real morning sickness it's more like evening sickness and if-i-wait-too-long-to-eat-sickness. no throwing up just nauseated. like annoyingly nauseated.

THIRSTY!!!! all.the.time! i wake up thirsty. i go to bed thirsty. i'm thirsty while i'm chugging down gobs of water!

the pee monster! yup, he's got a hold of me.. i'm sure it's because i'm drinking my weight in water that i'm peeing all the time, but it definitely doesn't seem to take long for my bladder to recognize their is urination to be done.

sore ta-tas. that is all about that.

having some mild cramping which i know is totally normal, but can't help to freak a wee bit when it happens. it has eased up quite a bit this last week, so that i am greatful for. just another reasurance all is working properly :)

smells... i'm like a bloodhound. you can't hide that sneaker fart from me! 

bloat. bloat. bloat. this has GOT to be my #1 symptom right now! it's so incredibly uncomfortable i want to deflate it with a pin.

all in all.. it seems weird but i welcome these things. as uncomfortable and cranky, and irritable, and gross i may feel.. i'm totally ok with it! (well except for today when J was helping me take my bumperoo pics and i made him re-take them 100 times because i didn't like the way i looked.. but meh minor details)

i'm just grateful and feel just so incredibly blessed to be able to experience this journey once again. i had honestly began to reach a point where i really wasn't sure it was going to happen. i was pretty well ready to give up on motherhood. so i'd say it came at the right time. and i know i keep saying it over and over but even as i type this i'm still in complete and utter shock and disbelief.

i still can't believe this is our life. it's weird.

in terms of doctors appts, we went to my primary last thursday (2 days after we too the HPT {home pregnancy test}) and got blood work done so i could get my referral to the obgyn. The blood work came back POSITIVE! even though we knew it still was so reasuring to get that affirmation from the doctor as well. after receiveing the results they made my appt and sent over the referral.

we will go to our first prenatal visit November 7!!! I will be roughly 9 weeks 4 days! so here's to hoping for a heart beat.

next topic.. clothing/weigh/size

clothes don't fit. unless they have an elastic band ha! i know they say that you show much faster with your second but sheesh! like i said ^ there i know the extra poundage im danglin around is not helpful at all. i've gained 2 lbs so far since i last weighed myself. so i'm gonna say that that weight was obtained in the last month or so.

no cravings as of yet.

no food aversions.

emotionally i'm coping.. there are so many emotions that i can't quite make them all out yet. they all just seem to run together. i will say it does feel nice to see a commercial of a baby or to see a pregnant woman walking across the street and not feel extreme jealousy followed by guilt. it's refreshing.

heres a few more belly shots for ya :)

here is the 4 weeker (pretty much when we found out)

October 7, 2013

Just Trust

I can't believe I'm making this post... It doesn't seem real...




and loss

but in His timing, it happens

it really does

if you trust in His plan

miracles can happen

even when you reach a point that you think it won't

it's just when you think that maybe you should just give up on your hope and ream

that maybe you should release the thought of having a certain life

God surprises you

and teaches you

that your life is planned

and all you have to do is relinquish the control

so i did..... i let go of the control

after 2.5 years and a failed IUI attempt

all on our own and His time....

Rainbow BeanSprout is due to join our world June 2014 and we couldn't be happier!!

Look for bumpdates to come!!!!

Thanks so much to everyone who has continued to follow on our journey and support us through every step of the way.

August 26, 2013

Monday Mealings (Series part 1)

so remember this post from last week or so? well here i go.. diving headfirst into this scary, hard, treacherous, emotional road. this side of my world leaves me very vulnerable to the world. i am incredibly sensitive about my weight and just the way i look.

as i've said before i think it's completely 'normal' to feel some sense of uncomfortableness with the image we see looking back at us from the mirror. am i right or am i right?

so i have decided to dive head first and not look back. all this knowing there are bumps and turns, ditches and valleys, highs and lows along the way.

i am starting 2 different accountability programs with myself. i have found through numerous and numerous, oh and NUMEROUS weight loss attempts seeing the results just aren't enough for me. weird right?? you'd think seeing the pounds being shaved off, the pants fitting better, the tummy not pudging so much, the lack of the hip swag-and-forth-to-get-your-too-small-pants-over-your-ever-growing-ass-dance --- but they don't. because it never fails, i get bored, i get cravings and i ultimately give in.

so the first accountability i am doing is with my sweet friend and dietican SM. to say she's amazing would be kind.. her ideas are inevitably brilliant yet so simple (it's like that DIY project you see on pinterest and think DUH why didn't i think of that) yup those kinds of moments.

she's motivating, and encouraging and i never feel like i'm bothering her. :) she's made me a great workout routine and has been coaching me through some of the 'negative' self talk.

she rocks.

2nd accountability program??? YOU'RE READING IT!!! ;) (insert round of applause here)

i am going to make myself accountable to you my sweet readers :) it here, every monday that i will post the daily dealings of the week prior. and i will share IT ALL.

as you know (if you have followed me for any length of time) i'm not one to sugar coat things. i get down to business and speak it how it evolves in my mind. and so.. i will share all things weight loss.

here's how the process will go..

-- i will share weekly weigh-in & measurement results along with pounds/inches lost. (and in the off-chance i gain poundage back, i too will share that)
     --eventually i will share progression pics.. not quite to that point yet

-- my meal plan for the week 
      -- this week i will share both since this is the first of the series (i have to play catch up)

--  photos of the weeks meals from the week prior (follow me on IG to get up to date photos )
      -- if there is a recipe you would like done, just ask and you shall receive :)

-- tips & tricks
     -- both the SUCCESSFUL ones and the NOT so successful ones - remember what worked for us may not work for you and vice versa

-- and last but not least, struggles that i had, cheating i did, and any other ups and downs experienced.

i think we all watch these reality shows (biggest loser for example) and see these amazing weight loss stories, and while we definitely see thier trials and tribulations, we also see the celebs who pop out a baby one day and are sportin their string bikinis in a size neg 3 the next day and we wonder... and so we try quick fixes. i want to show you i'm just like you. i'm an everyday person with everyday problems trying to deal with everyday life.

and so begins... Monday Mealings


Last week (8/19)
* Weight: 162.6 lbs
* Abdomen: 32 inches
* Upper Arm: 12 inches
* Thigh: 23.5 inches

This week (8/26)
* Weight: 160.8 lbs
* Abdomen: 31 inches
* Upper Arm: 12 inches
* Thigh: 22.5

Total Loss
* Weight: -1.8 lbs
* Abdomen: -1 inch
* Upper Arm: 0
*Thigh: -1 inch

Last weeks meal plan:

 For the longest we always meal planned on Sunday and then went grocery shopping for the week. as our schedules changed and we both became increasingly more busy it just didn't work out for us that way. so what ended up happening? we didn't meal plan + not grocery shopping = eating out EVERY.SINGLE.DAY... and a hefty price to pay i might add. after talking to SM she suggested to shop during the week. (duh!!!! light bulb!!) so we looked at my schedule and decided i would meal plan on sundays and shop on mondays! it was perfect. J and i could still have a good day together on sunday (since this is really our ONLY day together it seems anymore) and i can get in and get out and have some 'me' time at the store. the meal plan below outlines starting on tuesday just because that's houw it ended up working out last night. but that's the beauty of a meal plan.. you do it whenever it suits your schedule. but the trick??? DO A MEAL PLAN!!!!

i've also listed the date and my work schedule in the ( ). just so i know if i need to plan something quick when i work a 3rd (430am - 800pm) just gives me a good visual

 Here is this weeks meal plan:

here you'll notice several different things. first i don't have a 'snacks' column and i only have 5 days worth of meals. 'planning' snacks was kind of unneccasary. now if we had school-age kids in the house maybe a different story, but for it just being J and I we just like to grab the quickest and easiest snack.. it may not neccessarily be what's on the menu. i know i'll always have extra fruit, cheese sticks, granola bars, almonds, 100 cal packs, etc. so we just grab those.

as for the lack of a full week's worth of planning.. we have some good friends (Savanna's GodParents :) ) coming into town on Sunday evening, and so we're doing a plan with them :) don't worry i'll still share it :) 

I'll explain how i meal plan in a later post if you'd like. just let me know if this is something you'd like to see :)

Meals from last week:

Disclaimer: I don't have a pic from each and every meal, and i DID fall off the bandwagon a couple times.. but here's a good idea :)

 This is a whole day's worth of meals a 'food journal' so to speak

B: granola bar & banana
S1: cheese stick & 1 oz almonds
L: Tuna sandwich with spring mix & tomato with a kiwi and carrot sticks with ranch for side
S2: granola bar
D: shrimp stir fry

this was for breakfast one day: just a ww (whole wheat) tortilla with almond butter and sliced bananas - i wrapped in foil and put in the fridge (would be a delicious dessert also)

SNACK TIME! almonds and grapes - a delicous mixture :)

for this the night before we had turkey burgers. 4 came in a pack of pre-formed patties. we each had a burger for dinner leaving 2 leftover. we each brought one for lunch but without the bread. in the back there is some ketchup to dip in, and since i didn't have the bread i did splurge on some chips :) and i completed the meal with an apple

 tips & tricks both helpful and failed

SM had the awesome idea of pre-making our salads for the week. you basically make the 'base' and just add your protein to make a complete salad. here's how i prepped it.

we found a large tupperware and used a spring mix and bag of baby spinach and dumped it in the tupperware. 

Here it is in the tupperwar

we then picked out our veggies and chopped them all up. we used mushrooms, broccoli, cucumbers & shredded carrots

chopped and poured. i didn't really 'mix' it up, we just kinda grabbed and put it in our individual tupperwares for work and ended up getting a little of everything.

slapped the lid on and threw it in the fridge.

 in theory this is a perfect set up. you grab a little salad and then grab a different type of protein and dressing and you're good to go. i definitely love salads.. BUT i found this tip unsuccessful for our household. we ended up just wasting more then was necessary. i wish this worked for us but it just didn't perhaps if we did it in a smaller portion it may. but in terms of doing salad everyday for lunches a definite bust. but maybe it will work for you??? let me know if you try it and love it!! i know SM does!!! :)

my other tip & trick (brought to me courtesy of SM of course)

pack my lunch the night before! (once again DUH)

i am infamous for waiting until the morning (thats 4 in the morning) to pack my lunch. OR i just say eff it! and end up eating at the burrito shop down the street for breakfast and then mcdonalds for lunch. why thank-you 5000 calories for adding another ass cheek :/

so i clean the kitchen IMMEDIATELY after eating and all the while i also pack our lunches. but the key is to do it right away. like as soon as you swallow that last bite, get off your lazy ass, quit moaning and groaning and JUST DO IT!!! :) but seriously i would sit and sit and sit after i was done eating and so i would (maybe) drop my plate off in the sink before bed therefore not leaving time to wash the dishes and clean the kitchen nor the energy to pack my lunch. there's just something that feels pleasant and fresh about coming home to a clean kitchen.

and now let me just share a few ups and downs. i have a hard time with self control. my portion control has been non-existent and my lack of motivation is overwhelmingly overtaking my body. i try to justify why it's ok that i've downed that burger or why it's ok that i just practically licked my bowl of ice cream clean. but at the end of the day i end up kicking myself in the ass because i know it really wasn't worth it. i mean, in the moment it was kick ass. my taste buds thrived and my stomach did the happy dance. but that extra dimple on the back of my legs??? yea he's happy too because he found a new home on my ass! me? not so happy in the long run.

i want to reach my goals because yes i do want to look hot in a bathing suit, i don't want to be mortified by how puffy my face looks in pics, or how grotesque my thighs feel rubbing together in a dress but ultimately i just want to be healthy. i want to live a good and healthy life for myself, for J, and for my future children. i want to give them all the best chance possible to spend the most time with me in a good condition.

while i know this post is incredibly long-winded, if you made it all the way through i thank-you and bless you! :) the future postings of this series won't be nearly as long as i had some explainin to do :) next week we'll get down to business :)

next week i'll share what workouts i've been doing too :)

happy trails!!! xoxo

August 15, 2013

The Never Ending Weight Loss Journey

by show of virtual hands... how many can you relate to this??

i think forever and ever, as far as i can remember (post-high school) i have always been on this journey. i can really only remember a single time in all my 27 years that i was pleasantly pleased with my appearance and self-image... whilst i was PREGNANT!

that was over 3 years ago....

right before i found out i was pregnant i had actually started to get back down to weight and look i was pleased with. damn marriage does it to you everytime! you simply get too comfortable and eat out entirely too much. i believe Justin and i both packed on a few pounds those first couple years of marriage.

then we decided it was time to make a change.. he had to get hard core PT at work and i just didn't want to be huge once i finally got pregnant (in case i've confused you i'm speaking about before i got pregnant with Savanna but after we got married ;)  )

so Justin and I decided to do p90x. we followed the diet and the workout to a T. Justin stopped the workouts after about 2 wks becuase like i said ^ there... he had to workout for work.

but i kept going. i did it for about 6 weeks and then stopped.

because i found out i was pregnant ;)

6 inches and 15 pounds less here's me..

this was also the day we found out we were pregnant. gah.. looking at this picture depresses me.

i only gained 27 lbs in my pregnancy .

dropped 10 of it after i popped her out.

lost the other 17 while breastfeeding..

and then at 8 weeks new, my sweet girl decided she didn't like the boob anymore and just stopped.


in retrospect, i probably could have pushed through and we'd have made it to my first 6 month mini goal BUT we were getting ready to move across the country, i was highly stressed, about to leave my family and friends and a home i had created for the last 13 years. leaving that to a place of unknown.

anyway, that's another blog.

moral of the story.. i quit breastfeeding -- but kept eating like i was breastfeeding.

and so began the journey of the weight GAIN.

in the last 3 years or so since that day i made the decision to cease the nursing, my body has undergone some dramatic changes. the picture you see up above is a mere figment of my imagination. i am now only a mere 3 lbs away from the weight i was when i was pregnant with Savanna.

difference is?

there's no bun cookin in the oven.. unless you count the gobs of carbs i devoured from the mexican food potluck of course ;)

since gaining the weight after the birth and post breastfeeding i have tried every diet imaginable.

hsg -- AWFUL

south beach -- expensive

paleo -- tiring

low carb -- starving!

low cal -- blegh

basically.. i've done a little of this and a little of that only lasting the most 1 month (the paleo). otherwise i've thrown in the towel, given up, and binged at the first fast food joint i saw.

clearly i am unhappy in my appearance.

the other night we went out with some friends.. i had to settle on some skinny jeans with a STRETCH waist band bc NOTHING else fit.. especially not the cute shorts.. not that i wanted to sport my hail damaged legs or anything.

so now.. i am deciding. it's time for change. i'm tired of constantly complaining but then going to the burrito shop down the street from my job and ordering their biggest breakfast burrito.

with us trying to get pregnant and me being at the weight i am at and leading the lifestyle  i am.. no good can come of it. my pregnancy with Savanna was so incredibly smooth and i know ALOT of that is owed to the fact i was healthy and worked out daily. i am fearful of what a 2nd pregnancy will do to my body with the condition i've left it in at this point.

i need to get back to that place.

i need to find motivation again.

so today I had a meeting with my very sweet dietician friend S. she's amazing! she made me up a meal plan, gave me some AMAZING tips -- which i will share with you as i take you along with me on this journey ;)

the best thing tho?? she's keeping me accountable!! sure.. Justin can try to hold me accountable except for one problem.. he's my husband. instead of taking his advice or his bantering  encouragement lightheartedly instead i want to punch him in the face. (literally not metaphorically) don't worry -- no Justin's were injured in this process :).

AND she's going to work out with me.. i'm telling her my schedule and then i have to meet up with her and sh'es going to basically tell me what to do.

is it weird that i'm excited? as i sit here typing this i can feel the wrath of my gross protruding gut quiver at the fearfulness that is about to occur.

i have an addiction to food and an addiction to lazy.

and it's time to change that.

i'll take you on my little journey.. posting tips, tricks, meals and workouts as we go along. and maybe some progression photos..

what are some things you have done or have found challenging during your never ending weight loss journey?