February 16, 2012

False Intentions

I was driving home from school and I suddenly felt a deep urgency to write. it was an urgency i haven't felt in quite some time. i suddenly felt drawn back to this very sacred very special spot that i call my own. a spot that i felt at one point was the only way i could reconnect with my daughter. in this need to be back to writing i began to dissect things. an after affect of going through therapy these last couple months. i have begun so much self reflection, sometimes wanted sometimes not but always needed. and so i started to think why it was i never have felt this urgency in so long.

when i began this blog it was with intentions to share the story of my daughter. it was to share her life, her death and what she meant to me and my world. it was a way to save her memory. i didn't know how long it would last, how long my memories would last. i was and still am so deathly afraid of forgetting things about her that i wanted to document as much as i could. i wanted 'followers' people to share in my despair, my desperation for meaning. i wanted others to hurt and cry with me, to somehow feel my pain. it only seemed fair right? if i was in such a deep and dark pit, lonely and with a gaping hole in my heart and empty arms.. then the world should feel the same. right? and so i started writing. never knowing what this place would bring or do for me in my life. i just wrote. and each day, my 'following' would grow. each day i would recieve comments and love and appreciation. lives that i had touched. lives savanna had touched. and in return i was inspired i was moving into a positive direction. and then... then i got sucked in, and it started to become only about that. 'you should write a book' 'you have such a way with words' all wonderful loving comments from so many of you. these things kept me going. but then, as i said before, it started to become about that. each day as my following grew i would get more and more eager to write something. maybe what i have to say will help someone? will touch someone's life? maybe it will make them appreciate their children more? and so i began to write for my following, i began to think more about what to say rather then just saying it.

it started to feel like a job. a situation i only created in my own mind. none of you being the cause of this false urgency i had templated in my mind. and so today as i drove home i began to think back to why i REALLY started this blog. was it really to get a following of people to share in my pain? was it really a means to tell Savanna's story? or was i just looking for sympathy, for a pity party without seeing the sad eyes. instead i would read the sad comments. and then as i sat driving down the main road immensed in my own self reflection it came to me.

i started this blog as a girl. a girl who at one time had it all. i was a girl born in california raised in kansas city/phoenix. i was girl who once though i would want to grow up get married and have children but never was i the girl who felt deserving of any it. i always felt like that was the life for someone else, someone who earned that happiness. and then one day i became the girl i always and only ever dreamed of. i met a man. a wonderful, loving, loyal, honest man. and he asked me to marry him. ME! of all the people, of all the women of all the girls.. me. i was his special someone. and so i thought.. well perhaps my fairytale could come true.. perhaps i was somehow deserving. in all my faults, in all my trials, in all my sin, in all my screwups, i was somehow worthy of this one man vowing to devote his life and love to me.

and then, we wanted a family. our own little family. could it be.. me? this girl? first month - no baby. second month - no baby... sixth month - no baby.. maybe i was wrong. maybe i wouldn't get it all. maybe i was only deserving of this small (very wonderful) piece of my wonderland. fast forward 7 months, 8 months, 9 months.. still nothing. no womb to be filled no baby cries to tend to. my nightmare was coming true. carry on to month 11, month 12...

4 AM on August 5, I peed.. fully expecting a negative test to stare back at me i was bemused and exhilerated by the most definitely positive test screaming back at me. could it be.. could this be it.. could my white picket fence dream truly be coming true? im 9 weeks pregnant... the midwife comes, pulls out a doppler, pours a gel on my tummy, wiggles the probe around.. what's that? sounds like galloping horses.. 'that's your baby's heart beat' it was a magical moment of realness. that was MY baby? but wait... i was the undeserving girl. how did i become this girl? the girl with the husband to love and to cherish and the teeny tiny heartbeat of a love bug growing inside? impossible.. fast forward.. sunday march 28, 2010 contractions start. 7 hours later a beautiful, innocent, loving, wonderous little being was plopped onto my stomach. a small cry of recognition sprang from this little persons lungs. it was real. and it was happening. and it was happening to me.

fast forward again. our lives are taking the path the lord had laid for us. we moved, j got a great opportunity and Savanna was growing like a weed. she was beginning to do new things each day. we were planning her entire life for her. we were planning our entire lives WITH her. fast forward.. november 12. i became undeserving. i became that girl i once thought i would be forever. i was the girl with a dead baby and no cause for why. i was empty. lost. confused. angry. anxious. deflated.

and then i needed an outlet. i needed something. the funeral passed. the last time i would physically ever see her face. the last time i would ever feel her hair or graze her sweet hands. the last time i laid my eyes on my most perfect prize. the best parts of me were gone. the best parts of my dreams were dead in a coffin encompassed in my 7.5 month old daughter. i needed something.. and so i turned to this place.

i started writing.. and as i drove home from school today i realized my original and real intentions. i wanted to belong to something. i wanted to feel a part of something. i wanted to know if i would ever feel like me again. would i ever be normal. i could no longer be a part of the mommy club. (yes i know i will always be a mother) i could no longer talk of the NEW things my child was doing, only the things she DID do. but sooner then later i would run out of those stories while the world around me still had a story to tell. and so i wanted to find a new 'club' a new belonging. i didn't feel deserving. and so i found somewhere i belonged. somewhere where i could try to figure me out again. that's why i started this. not to get 1000 followers or to see my daughters name as many different places as i could. it was to be a part of something again to feel like i belonged somewhere. i have been so lost for as long as i could remember. i got married and had a baby and started to feel a sense of belonging. then it was taken from, she was taken from me. ripped from arms and torn from heart. and yet here were others feeling my feelings, sensing my pain, feeling the same pain. i belonged again.

and thats where i need to go back to. thats what made this world, this blank white screen, this blinking cursor so sacred and so safe. it was my place for me that i belonged to. my private sector in my world of hurt and pain. sadness and sorrow.

and so now i have made a vow to myself. i write for me and only for me. my life started when i met my husband, it began when i felt the first kick of my daughter, existence happened when Savanna yelped her first cry, my world felt defeated when she died. these are the tales of that world getting turned upside down. and as long as i continue to remind myself these things, this place can become as sacred as it once was.

thank you to so many of you who have constantly shared your stories, your testimonies, your life experiences with me. your words, your encouragement and your love has gotten me through times that i never thought i would manage through. i wont make any promises anymore of how often i will or wont write. at the end of the day i cant write for you, i have to write for me. and i am ok with admitting that now. it gives me great comfort to know my story and Savanna's life have touched so many. but if i don't stay true to me and to what i feel my purpose is, then it won't be sincere. and that is something i will always promise to be in this space. i am sincere, i am real, i am raw. i am the girl who's daughter died. and i am the girl trying to learn to live in a world that keeps on living while part of me has died.