December 29, 2011

I'm still here

Well geez, where have I been what have I been up to... it's been a crazy month. Well, that's an understatement... every month is a crazy month. Been working crazy hours at work... trying to gear up for the cold weather... prepping for the spring semester of school and on top of it all just trying to figure out where i fit in this big little world. another holiday has passed... successfully.. i guess. we were surrounded by wonderful friends and family and made memories to last forever.. but of course there was always something nagging at my heart something missing from the flocks of people in and out of our house. this year was different then the last. last year, our grief was so fresh. she died, two weeks later was thanksgiving, three weeks after that was christmas. i was still in a bit of shock, in an out of body experience. i remember last year telling J it was a hidden blessing (a crappy thing yes, but to find any kind of silver lining in our situation was what i solely lived off of on some days) that she passed right near the holidays. while in the freshest of grief we also had to freshly grieve the hardest time of year. so in a way we killed two birds with one stone.. (seems an insensitive way to look at it but it is what it is and it helped me to cope) fast forward now to this year. the fall and winter is my favorite time of year. bust out the hot chocolate, spark up the fireplace, slap on the flannel plants and start the decoration frenzy... sure i was still excited this year, but at the same time i knew what else that meant. yet another holiday season without Savanna. as the months donned on and november crept nearer and we passed her angel-versary, i was overwhelmed by anger, sadness, guilt, hurt... it felt like i was grieving all over again. and i think it goes back to last year.. because we were so fresh in our grief we were still in shock, still rather numb, still just trying to figure out how to survive day to day when we went through our first holiday without her.. but this year, it's much more real much more an actuality no longer so surreal. this year we have gone passed the coping and simply gone into living and surviving that it stung in a much more different way. and so i went through this holiday season rather numb like. we went to her spot the week before christmas to decorate and it was bittersweet. such a beautiful memorial for her, yet i was angry that this was the 'presents' i had to bring to my daughter. it just isn't fair. and that is something i seem to have been battling off and on these last couple weeks. it is so completely unfair.. i think back to when i was kid and i would stomp my feet cross my arms and pudge up my face because it wasn't fair that I didn't get what everyone else had. i found myself wanting to do that exact same thing this year.. some 20 years later. so in essence this year seemed a bit harder then the last. but we managed, by the grace of God, and the love and support from one another, we were able to get through it.

and now we begin to embark on another year. another year without her. i still can't believe she's been gone over a year now and we are marking our way through the second year without her. it hardly seems like it was just yesterday i was in labor, or that we were packing up the car to move across the country, or the day we bought our very first home. i know all the things the have become in this last year as i reflect. so many blessings, some hurt and heartache. i have decided for the new year to make more time for me. i have lost myself so completely it's scary. i work i go to school i eat i pee i shit i shower i sleep. (not necessarily in that order) i have so many projects i want to work on but have not made time. so in this new year i will make more time, that includes making time for my blog (which i have neglected so completely) making time for my crafts and projects (i got a new sewing machine for christmas!!) taking some photography workshops (i got a camera for xmas too! thanks hubster!!) photography was something i have always wanted to dabble in but never thought i had a knack for it. after our loss, it made me realize just how important a photograph is. sometimes it is the only link we have to the past.. sometimes they are better then memories.. you can touch them, it's a tangible object which in turn can flip a memory on. a picture can bring you back in time to the smells, the look of things around you.. a photo really is worth 1000 words. i may not be a top notch photographer, but a captured memory is so incredibly important. i have thought about possibly looking into the now i lay me down to sleep for hospitals but not sure if im ready to get into that just quite yet. but its something on my list.

well for now, this is all. i was kind of all over the place.. sorry about that. it is my promise to make a much bigger effort to be more present. i hate always using work as an excuse. i've lost touch with my bloggy mommies who i love so dearly and have so much respect for. it kills me that i havent been more present in their times of need. i have lost site of my legacy for savanna and i intend to make that a top priority. i hope to get working on my memory boxes for savanna's sunshine. ill post pics as soon as i get it going. lastly, im thinking of starting a vlog on a kind of all in one. talking about grieving, life after loss, crafting, weight loss, having another baby after loss etc... so we'll see.. it's just another thing on my list lol. well until next time.. thank you all for your time to read my words and follow me on my journey.. my journey hasn't stopped it just hit a small bump and rut in the road.. but slowly it's gotten paved over.