Savanna's Wings: January 2013

January 31, 2013

Pround Moment

As lots of you know, i started doing photography on the side about a year ago. i had no idea what it would turn into. it has blossomed into something beautiful and inspiring and has allowed me a sense of escape and closeness to Savanna.

And now, it is starting to reach new heights. clientele is beginning to pick up and i'll be photographing not 1 but 2 weddings in March!! I am so incredibly excited and can't wait to to see how far this journey takes me!

as my business has begun to grow i felt i needed something to expand on my business. i guess really a way that people would take me seriously. to some i may seem like a girl who got a really nice camera for christmas from her her really awesome husband and just started taking pictures. well.. that is how it started i guess. but after that first newborn session i did as a favor to J's cousin.. something happened within me.

something emerged and sprouted from the base of my being. i felt like i was closest to me as i had been in a long time. i was experiencing and traveling that creative highway i have always been so hungry for. and at the same time i was creating special moments and memories for family's of their loved ones to cherish for always.

and so, while i started out as that girl who just picked up the camera.. i've grown. or at least started to. i started doing tons of research. i've sought out online workshops, read books, participated in online forums and groups. i started to expand my knowledge.

i knew this was something that i wanted to continue doing for always. and so i began to invest time and money into this escapade.. this journey of hope and happiness.

with that, i needed people to start taking me seriously. i still do. it's been a little challenging making the transition from part time picture taker to photogorapher and business owner.

i'm still learning. continuously learning. i crave the need to get better, to be better.

so i've slowly started to take steps. i'm turning my craft room catch all hole into my office. (slowly but surely) i'm getting organized and getting a file system put into place.

it finally donned on me that i had to take my business seriously as a business and than others would start to do the same. it's an onging work in progress but i am so excited and thrilled that i tripped over this opportunity that was thrown in my path.

another step i took was i invested into my very own website! it was a defining moment for myself. some may think it's silly or trivial. but to me it made the moment concrete. getting that website made the legacy i'm trying to leave in honor of Savanna real.

http://www.becauseofherphotography.com

take a peek into my world of photography and freeze framing moments :)

January 24, 2013

Coolest moment of the day

Was when my instructor tucked her hair behind her ear to reveal the cutest blingy ladybug earrings...

Sweet girl was most definitely with me today. She knew how nervous I was on my first hospital clinical day of the semester.

Thanks baby girl.. For the little nudge of encouragement.

I needed that.

I really did.

January 21, 2013

A Week in Review

I've survived the week. at least i think i did. it was the first week back to school, first week trying to find a new routine... it was a total epic fail but it definitely drained the life and energy right out from under me.

I managed to keep the house somewhat clean.. ~~we've~~ I've started to use a 'family planner/organizer' type of thing to help me keep track of all the millions of things that need to be tended to around the house. it's a work in progress but it seems to be working. i got the idea from (you guessed it) pinterest. Gah, i don't know where my life was before pinterest.

Quite frequently i think how handy it would have been with little S still running around. her third birthday is coming and i catch myself looking at all of the different party ideas. such fun that would be. to plan a birthday party.

hopefully soon, i'll get to do that. hopefully soon...

but moving forward..

looking back on this week i don't have much to really say. school is defnintely going to be a doozy for sure. i can understand now why they only make you take 1 class this semester.. it ='s the 6 i took last semester! but.. i know there will be new experiences and great things to see and learn. i'm excited. i'm a semester closer to achieving some form of success in my life.

i have finally taken pictures of the furniture we are trying to sell in the guest room. that money will be used to purchase the paint and the beadboard/wainscoating for savanna's room. after making the step of just deciding to break down her room was a major step for both of us. now actually getting the gumption to go through with it seems a whole other task on its own.

thanks to a great MIL, she had a FABULOUS idea that she so willingily shared with us on her last escapade to our lovely abode. Rather then breaking down the crib and allowing it to take up attic space, or using the dresser and changing table as a 'space saver' in the garage, why not re-use it? but not for future baby b. (which was the original plan, but the more i thought about it the more i knew i didn't want to do that) the crib is one of those 5-in-1 type of deals. since we have a guest room that we use well never (unless family is visiting) we're going to convert her crib into the full size and move it into that room as well as the dresser. and the changing table i will convert into a nightstand.

i was overjoyed and ecstatic at the mere idea that i wouldn't have to allow Savanna's furniture to gather dust and mites up in the attic. her memory and things could continue to be preserved and in a very pragmatic sort of way. i'll take pictures and of course will take you all along for the ride. i now just need an ingenius plan for all of her clothing. i thought about making a blanket with all the very special items (we already have a quilt that we had framed) BUT how do chose 'special' items... they're ALL special.. so i'll just tackle that another day.

for now, i'm just thrilled to have a way to keep her furniture intact and working condition yet at the same time i'm able to lick the salted wounds of breaking down her room. maybe it will somehow be easier? maybe not. won't know until i tackle it head first.

well, that's all i got for now. here's some photots i've taken throughout the week... enjoy :)

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We've started the Paleo diet (going on 4 weeks strong!) Here's a peek at some yumminess we've devoured! :)

And here's just a few looks at what I did this week... the top pic is of some brownies we made (from pinterest) I'll post the recipe and what i did differently if you'd like :)

January 12, 2013

Our Thereafter...

after a great deal of thought. a lot of praying. a lot of questioning. reading your comments/opinions. i have decided. i have decided to evolve this space.

on december 14, 2010 i wrote this post. it was the first of many. the start of a journey. the beginning to a treacherous and bumpy, windy and jagged road. the origin of where all things became solidified that my life, our lives, were forever changed. on december 14, 2010 i began to tell the world about my loss, my heart break, my plethora of emotions, the darkness... i proceeded to bare open my heart and soul to the world wide web. i allowed my most weakest and vulnerable of times to be displayed for friends, family, and strangers to take hold of.

and now... over 2 years from this very first post, i make this one.

i've often talked about the ever-changing, the continuously revolving doors of grief. the journey that we travel as baby loss parents is one that is unknown. it is contradictory to what the human life should ever have to experience. it is the ultimate taboo to the human life. i've talked about how much i have changed. how my naiveness has been stripped. how my very being was torn to jagged pieces left in the road to become a prey of nature.

and now as i look over these last two years i've spent on this space. as i peer at the many posts, the months of posts, the weeks of words. i realize that not only have i changed, not only has my grief shifted, but so has this space. it took many of you and your kind comments and words of encouragement that allowed me to realize this.

i think a part of me has been afraid to evolve this space into something else, something more. i felt guilt. guilt that by encouraging a change i would be forgetting where my story truly started. my daughter's life and death do not entirely define me, but they are an intricate and precise piece to who i have become.

each step and breath that is made, each calculated move, each thought clouding my mind, is always tangled up into Savanna. into her life and her death.

as many of you made such valid points, both on chaning the blog and getting a new blog.. i realized that it would be ok to re-align this space. i'm not leaving Savanna behind, our memories of her, our road of grief, or the hard work i've accomplished at this point. rather, i'm taking her along for the ride.

i have evolved. i have changed. i am different. and so is this space.

i hope you'll join me on this ride as it ventures down into unchartered territories. Savanna has so much dictation over our lives I just know there can only be great things ahead.

While Savanna's Wings will always be held near to my heart and I will never forget what that space provided me, it is time to change the face of the space as it is now what need. Savanna's wings will be put to rest, and 'Our Thereafter' will be born.

Savanna will forever and always be entangled into my everyday life. she is and always will be a permaneant part of my very inner being.

so join me on this journey as i share another side of our lives. come along as i continue to grow and grieve, and nurture this space as i just know it is continuously blossoming into something beautiful....

My sweet girl,

I am almost in tears right now. I'm writing you this letter to tell you of all the ways I love you. To tell you that there are many changes happening in the near and far future. As I change this space into something more, just know you will forever and always be a part of it. You are forever the star of the show :) I am still in constant awe that your daddy and I were blessed and chosen to be your parents. thank you for choosing us. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect match. You were made for us as we were made for you.

Just know that with the many changes continuously happening, it all still because of your very existence that we do things in this life. It is for your very memory that we will continue to live each day knowing that we will see you once again.

I didn't really have an agenda when I started writing you, I just knew I had to. Something tugged at my heart and I felt the need to make sure to write you.

I guess, I just want you to know I love you. That although changes may happen, you're never forgotten. That while your daddy and I may be packing your things up and breaking down your room, your sweet and innocent presence will forever remain in that room. That parts of you are in both of us forever. I want you to know you are my reason, you are my because. I love you Bo. More and more everyday.

sending you all my love and big hugs to heaven. momma.

January 8, 2013

I'm still alive!

Or at least staying afloat! the holidays have just surpassed it was quite the whirlwind of adventures. So many things have happened since the last time i wrote (October!) I don't think there's enough internet space to catch everyone up.

I guess I could start by telling you about our holidays. There isn't much to tell really. It was another time of year we went with and without. Moving into the third year without Savanna has clearly already proven to me that it never gets easier. Just those all very hard days don't situate themselves all in a row. Rather, they sporadically separate themselves out for you trip upon them like an IED in a desert.

I did manage to reach a breaking point in my grief, at least I think so. The many days of and weeks of therapy seemed to have possibly paid off. For awhile I just felt like going to see Dr. D had turn into a complain and whoa is me session. I had reached that stage of anger. A stage of grief I thought I had climbed over and conquered. But as much as people say you can always go back, you don't ever think you will. Before, when the anger had succomb me, it was just a general angst I would feel. It took the littlest things to cause me to tear out on a rampage, normally J was always the casuality.

But this recent outward aggression and rage was much deeper. For the first time since Savanna had died, I was angry with God. And honestly I'm sure I had been for quite some time. I never wanted to admit it though. So many people had continuously told me how strong I was, and how well I was doing.. it seemed to ultimately hurt me. I felt like I had an expectation to meet. This 'strong' baby loss momma persona's shoes I had to fill. The expectation set by myself and myself only of course. And so I lied. I said all the things I knew sounded healthy and positive. I claimed to have gotten through my days on the strength of the Lord. Stated that all this hope and faith I had in all things. While the whole meanwhile, on the inside, I was curling up into myself. My skin constantly felt wrong. I never felt like I didn't fit right where I was. And in one instant, it snapped. I snapped.

I no longer understood nor cared for His reasons. I resented people who became pregnant or were pregnant. I resented children who were still alive. I hated God. I hated that he took Savanna. And I was enraged at Savanna. Enraged that she would chose to be with God over me. I admitted out loud I resented those that said, you're so strong-she's in a better place - or my favorite yet 'you'll always be a mom.' My instant reaction to that one... SCREW YOU! it's easy for you to say that, you get to go home tonight and tuck your sweet babe into bed tonight. You get to read them a story and get them ready for school.. but me? i have the 'honor' of going to a cemetery. a cold dreary depressing cemetery and drive up a road and around a corner to see my girl. except it's not my girl that sits there atop a field of grass and dirt and rock and weeds. it's a stone. a marble stone with a picture and dates and a name. that's what i get to do.

my anger had seemed to rock me to my core. it took all of my energy, all of my faith, all of my hope. it was stripped from every muscle and fiber of my very being. i was cold and naked in the pouring rain. (metaphorically of course) it took a couple sessions and a very significant church attendance (which is whole other post in its own) that i finally began to steer away from the anger. rather than burying the anger in its own plot in the cemetery of my mind i was able to set it free. sure, i still feel the anger boiling it's darkness to the surface. but in most cases, i can deal with and move on.

my hope and faith have been instilled. still shaky at times, still questionable. but really and truly that anger is something i needed to feel. it is something i needed to say out loud. ever since that week of misery pure anger, i have truly begun to feel as if i have started to heal.

in the weeks following i knew i was ready to finally break down the crib in Savanna's room. in the weeks following i knew it was time to make the room into the future baby B's nursery not just Savanna's room. pieces of her will always remain in that room, but it's time to move forward. and i am ok with that now.

the 'renovation' has not started but once it does i promise to take you on that journey. it is such a large part of this journey. and i know so many of you can relate.

notation: due to several sweet friends reaching out to me I thought it wise to just say that I am ok :) the anger that i'm speaking of in the above few paragraphs transpired months ago. I wanted to give y'all an update and this is where my typing fingers led me. sorry if i've scared any of y'all but i'm ok :)

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in other news.. i am thinking of starting another blog.. a more bloggy blog. i've thought about possibly changing the face of this blog, keeping it about our grief of course but about so much more. there are so many parts of our lives that have come out of this journey of grief. so many becomings and accomplishments, tasks, and to-do's that have honestly transpired from our grief. although it's not always apparent how Savanna and our grief correlates, i know our everyday life is forever entangled.

i'm not sure how i feel about changing the face of this blog though. so i need your help. your opinions. i write for me and to pereserve the memories i have. but also to help others. if i choose to go a more 'our everyday life' type of blog.. would you like to see a new one unfold? or re-route the path of this one? your opinion and thoughts mean a great deal to me. :)

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while you ponder this decision here are a few pics from the last few months.