January 8, 2013

I'm still alive!

Or at least staying afloat! the holidays have just surpassed it was quite the whirlwind of adventures. So many things have happened since the last time i wrote (October!) I don't think there's enough internet space to catch everyone up.

I guess I could start by telling you about our holidays. There isn't much to tell really. It was another time of year we went with and without. Moving into the third year without Savanna has clearly already proven to me that it never gets easier. Just those all very hard days don't situate themselves all in a row. Rather, they sporadically separate themselves out for you trip upon them like an IED in a desert.

I did manage to reach a breaking point in my grief, at least I think so. The many days of and weeks of therapy seemed to have possibly paid off. For awhile I just felt like going to see Dr. D had turn into a complain and whoa is me session. I had reached that stage of anger. A stage of grief I thought I had climbed over and conquered. But as much as people say you can always go back, you don't ever think you will. Before, when the anger had succomb me, it was just a general angst I would feel. It took the littlest things to cause me to tear out on a rampage, normally J was always the casuality.

But this recent outward aggression and rage was much deeper. For the first time since Savanna had died, I was angry with God. And honestly I'm sure I had been for quite some time. I never wanted to admit it though. So many people had continuously told me how strong I was, and how well I was doing.. it seemed to ultimately hurt me. I felt like I had an expectation to meet. This 'strong' baby loss momma persona's shoes I had to fill. The expectation set by myself and myself only of course. And so I lied. I said all the things I knew sounded healthy and positive. I claimed to have gotten through my days on the strength of the Lord. Stated that all this hope and faith I had in all things. While the whole meanwhile, on the inside, I was curling up into myself. My skin constantly felt wrong. I never felt like I didn't fit right where I was. And in one instant, it snapped. I snapped.

I no longer understood nor cared for His reasons. I resented people who became pregnant or were pregnant. I resented children who were still alive. I hated God. I hated that he took Savanna. And I was enraged at Savanna. Enraged that she would chose to be with God over me. I admitted out loud I resented those that said, you're so strong-she's in a better place - or my favorite yet 'you'll always be a mom.' My instant reaction to that one... SCREW YOU! it's easy for you to say that, you get to go home tonight and tuck your sweet babe into bed tonight. You get to read them a story and get them ready for school.. but me? i have the 'honor' of going to a cemetery. a cold dreary depressing cemetery and drive up a road and around a corner to see my girl. except it's not my girl that sits there atop a field of grass and dirt and rock and weeds. it's a stone. a marble stone with a picture and dates and a name. that's what i get to do.

my anger had seemed to rock me to my core. it took all of my energy, all of my faith, all of my hope. it was stripped from every muscle and fiber of my very being. i was cold and naked in the pouring rain. (metaphorically of course) it took a couple sessions and a very significant church attendance (which is whole other post in its own) that i finally began to steer away from the anger. rather than burying the anger in its own plot in the cemetery of my mind i was able to set it free. sure, i still feel the anger boiling it's darkness to the surface. but in most cases, i can deal with and move on.

my hope and faith have been instilled. still shaky at times, still questionable. but really and truly that anger is something i needed to feel. it is something i needed to say out loud. ever since that week of misery pure anger, i have truly begun to feel as if i have started to heal.

in the weeks following i knew i was ready to finally break down the crib in Savanna's room. in the weeks following i knew it was time to make the room into the future baby B's nursery not just Savanna's room. pieces of her will always remain in that room, but it's time to move forward. and i am ok with that now.

the 'renovation' has not started but once it does i promise to take you on that journey. it is such a large part of this journey. and i know so many of you can relate.

notation: due to several sweet friends reaching out to me I thought it wise to just say that I am ok :) the anger that i'm speaking of in the above few paragraphs transpired months ago. I wanted to give y'all an update and this is where my typing fingers led me. sorry if i've scared any of y'all but i'm ok :) 


in other news.. i am thinking of starting another blog.. a more bloggy blog. i've thought about possibly changing the face of this blog, keeping it about our grief of course but about so much more. there are so many parts of our lives that have come out of this journey of grief. so many becomings and accomplishments, tasks, and to-do's that have honestly transpired from our grief. although it's not always apparent how Savanna and our grief correlates, i know our everyday life is forever entangled.

i'm not sure how i feel about changing the face of this blog though. so i need your help. your opinions. i write for me and to pereserve the memories i have. but also to help others. if i choose to go a more 'our everyday life' type of blog.. would you like to see a new one unfold? or re-route the path of this one? your opinion and thoughts mean a great deal to me. :)


while you ponder this decision here are a few pics from the last few months.

I won the halloween costume contest at work
 A date night!

Happy Halloween!

Some wreaths I made!

J & Dad

Our tree

Savanna's tree

Our Savanna ornament

White Christmas!!!!

Good job J!

6 blessings, thoughts. &. feelings:

CJ said...

I read often, but post infrequently. I have been bligging since 1999 or so. I have often separated parts of my life by changing blogs, moving the course of my writing and switching things around. That said, I don't recommend it. Your life often changes paths, your voice changes, your story opens to new chapters...but it all ties together.

Get a new design, go the direction you want to go, but stay here. Just my opinion!

Mely said...

I think either is good. I love reading ur blogs and hope you continue to post about your new journey :)

~md said...

you don't know me, but through another person's blog (who also lost her baby) I came across your blog.
I read your story then and it very much touched my heart. I have been praying for you ever since.
Regarding your question about change on blog: I would like to see you incorporate your new thoughts and daily postings on this same format. To me it keeps Savanna a part of the story.
Best Wishes

Mary said...

I went through the same tough decision about starting a new blog when I was pregnant with my rainbow. After a lot of thought, I decided to stay on one blog, simply because grief is a permanent part of my life, as is Addie. That blog is my life after her...my WHOLE life. Good to see you back! :)

Jen said...

I think of you often and I'm always happy to see that you have posted. I hope you'll continue blogging through your journey.

Lesley said...

I have never posted before but I'm so glad to see a new post from you! I was wondering how you were doing since it had been so long. I wouldn't change your blog. Experiencing "everyday life" stuff is also part of your grief. If you start a new blog I feel that it wouldn't include Savannah and she is still very much a part of your life. Either way I look forwards to reading more from you and I have always loved your honesty.