January 12, 2013

Our Thereafter...

after a great deal of thought. a lot of praying. a lot of questioning. reading your comments/opinions. i have decided. i have decided to evolve this space.

on december 14, 2010 i wrote this post. it was the first of many. the start of a journey. the beginning to a treacherous and bumpy, windy and jagged road. the origin of where all things became solidified that my life, our lives, were forever changed. on december 14, 2010 i began to tell the world about my loss, my heart break, my plethora of emotions, the darkness... i proceeded to bare open my heart and soul to the world wide web. i allowed my most weakest and vulnerable of times to be displayed for friends, family, and strangers to take hold of.

and now... over 2 years from this very first post, i make this one.

i've often talked about the ever-changing, the continuously revolving doors of grief. the journey that we travel as baby loss parents is one that is unknown. it is contradictory to what the human life should ever have to experience. it is the ultimate taboo to the human life. i've talked about how much i have changed. how my naiveness has been stripped. how my very being was torn to jagged pieces left in the road to become a prey of nature.

and now as i look over these last two years i've spent on this space. as i peer at the many posts, the months of posts, the weeks of words. i realize that not only have i changed, not only has my grief shifted, but so has this space. it took many of you and your kind comments and words of encouragement that allowed me to realize this.

i think a part of me has been afraid to evolve this space into something else, something more. i felt guilt. guilt that by encouraging a change i would be forgetting where my story truly started. my daughter's life and death do not entirely define me, but they are an intricate and precise piece to who i have become.

each step and breath that is made, each calculated move, each thought clouding my mind, is always tangled up into Savanna. into her life and her death.

as many of you made such valid points, both on chaning the blog and getting a new blog.. i realized that it would be ok to re-align this space. i'm not leaving Savanna behind, our memories of her, our road of grief, or the hard work i've accomplished at this point. rather, i'm taking her along for the ride.

i have evolved. i have changed. i am different. and so is this space.

i hope you'll join me on this ride as it ventures down into unchartered territories. Savanna has so much dictation over our lives I just know there can only be great things ahead.

While Savanna's Wings will always be held near to my heart and I will never forget what that space provided me, it is time to change the face of the space as it is now what need. Savanna's wings will be put to rest, and 'Our Thereafter' will be born.

Savanna will forever and always be entangled into my everyday life. she is and always will be a permaneant part of my very inner being.

so join me on this journey as i share another side of our lives. come along as i continue to grow and grieve, and nurture this space as i just know it is continuously blossoming into something beautiful....

My sweet girl,

I am almost in tears right now. I'm writing you this letter to tell you of all the ways I love you. To tell you that there are many changes happening in the near and far future. As I change this space into something more, just know you will forever and always be a part of it. You are forever the star of the show :) I am still in constant awe that your daddy and I were blessed and chosen to be your parents. thank you for choosing us. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect match. You were made for us as we were made for you.

Just know that with the many changes continuously happening, it all still because of your very existence that we do things in this life. It is for your very memory that we will continue to live each day knowing that we will see you once again.

I didn't really have an agenda when I started writing you, I just knew I had to. Something tugged at my heart and I felt the need to make sure to write you.

I guess, I just want you to know I love you. That although changes may happen, you're never forgotten. That while your daddy and I may be packing your things up and breaking down your room, your sweet and innocent presence will forever remain in that room. That parts of you are in both of us forever. I want you to know you are my reason, you are my because. I love you Bo. More and more everyday.

sending you all my love and big hugs to heaven. momma.

6 blessings, thoughts. &. feelings:

Amy Silver said...

I wish I could hug you this very second. I think I read this post 3 times. I just know she's looking down and so proud of you guys for putting one foot in front of the other. She was lucky to have parents as great as you two.

My New Normal said...

I can relate to this so much. I've been struggling a bit with my blog as well. I'm glad you're going to continue yours. I think these spaces can be anything we need them to be.

Tarsh said...

you are amazing and this post filled me with tears and such admiration for you as a mother, all the best

lesley said...

I have never commented before but I tried to the other day and for some reason it wouldn't let me post a comment. I am glad you decided to stay here and it was great to see you back on your blog as I check often to see how you are.
Yesteray it was 75 degrees here in North Carolina. Out of the blue a random ladybug walked by. Reminded me of you! Looking forward to hearing more from you!

Mely said...

beautiful words

Mely said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.