May 14, 2012

Letter to my girl

Dearest Savanna,

it's 1030 at night. i should be putting dinner away. i should be packing my lunch for work tomorrow. heck, i should be in bed. but as i sat outside feeling the night breeze and gazing up into the Heavens, i had an overwhelming urge to write you a letter. maybe because Mother's Day has come and gone. maybe because i just wanted to write you. perhaps it's because my longing for you to be in my arms has been so incredibly strong.. almost numbingly painful. i just felt like i needed to talk to you. to tell you all the ways that i love you. to confess all the guilt, the sadness, the anger, even some of the joys i've felt.

i still find myself staring at your pictures, pinching myself into reality that you were real. somedays i can't grasp it. some days it's hard to believe that i was picked to be your mommy. i ask myself, i ask God why. why was i picked? why was your daddy picked? some days, i don't think i can handle it. some days i don't think i will make it. did we seem 'strong?' did we seem that we would be able to conquer this world and road of grief? i'm not sure. i never knew i could feel such a love. such a longing. such a heart ache. i never knew this world of motherhood could ever exist.

i often wonder what you're doing above us.. hopping from cloud to cloud. giggling with other angels. do you yearn for us as we yearn for you? is time the same in Heaven as it is on Earth? do you miss us? i ask myself so many of these questions. the more i ask. the more confused. the more hurt. the more sad i become. as tears trickle down my cheeks i wish for you.

your daddy and i tried so long to have you. we wished you into existance.. all the while your little spirit was patiently waiting.. and then you came. and then as quickly as you sparkled your way into our lives, your life dissipated before me. i have found myself going back to that horrendous day. i find myself re-living the moments of your last day here on Earth. how i wish so intensely i could go back. how much i wish i could hold you one last time. how so willingly i have tried to wish your life back into existence. i miss you my girl.

daddy and i, we have decided to try and make another little brother or sister for you. with much failure i must admit. it's very daunting this task of trying to create another life. i feel guilt and sadness. the year it took us to conceive you into existence felt entirely worth it the moment you were placed on my chest and i heard that first yelp explode from your lungs. every moment of negative tests and false alarms all became null and void the moment you looked up at me and i knew that you knew who i was to you. but then you left. and now, i'm left with memories, and thoughts, wishes and dreams. what if we can't have that again. what if you were our one shot. what if i screwed it all up. i feel guilty in so many ways of wanting another child. another sparkle to hold in my arms. i only know of a sweet small taste of that innocence and i so badly want it back.

do you feel like we're trying to replace you? do you feel like we're moving on? we're not. that's a promise. yes it's true.. i want to give our next little sunshine all the things we were never able to give to you. does that mean i love you a little less? there's a permaneant pocket in my heart and that remains to be your home. i'm not really sure where i'm going with this letter. i just really want you to know that i love you so very much. i want you to know that should your daddy and i be once again blessed with the joy of another child, you will never be forgotten. i want you to know that your pocket in my heart will always be yours. the file in my mind will always belong to you. a piece of me will always be with you.

my life has become one large battle. a battle of emotions and anguish. a battle of feeling ok to feel good. a battle of being ok with moving forward. there is no such thing as moving on.. moving on means to forget and leave what you have in the past. i could never do that. i could never forget you. i could never leave you behind. it is i who have been left behind.

as the world continues to fall through the seasons, as the days continue to turn, as the clock continues to tick on minute by minute, i am reminded that everything keeps growing, everything keeps moving, while i am here. each day a new arrival of a new bundle of joy cries its way into the world. each day a new mommy to be announces with such great joy of their future to come. i am saddened each time. of course there is a joy, a happiness i feel for them. but there is a sadness in my heart. i once was that person. and now when these events transpire i am reminded that while the world continues on and the days continue to click by and the years continue to surpass us.. i am still without you and i am stuck.

i hope you know how much i love you. how much you mean to me and my world. and while sometimes it feels like my own world continues to pass by, there are still bits of me waiting in the turnstiles. waiting for the day that this reality was a nasty nightmare. surrealness is slowly wearing off. and reality is painstakingly becoming clear. i'm not sure if i'll ever be able to accept your death, your absence. but i know i will keep going.

perhaps you have met your one day to be baby brother or sister. if you have please tell them to hurry. give them a nudge. in having another little ball of love i will also have a piece of you back in my arms again. not in the way i want, but in a way that i will learn to accept. that, that's something i can learn to be ok with. i will never have you again not in this life at least, but if anything, at least i can have a piece, a part of you. and i can live with that.

i love you. i love you. i love you. if i could i would fill the Heavens with my words. i would fill the world with your spirit. you're my angel. you're my heart. stay close. don't linger too far. each breath i take i know i am closer to you. each beat of my heart i am nearer to holding you in my arms once again.

So much love, so much greatfulness, so much adornment,
your mommy

May 13, 2012

Mothers Day

Well here it is another 'holiday' without her. This second string of holidays without Savanna has been so drastically different then the first. This has been a conversation I have had with Dr. D several times. The second Thanksgiving, Christmas, Birthday and now Mother's Day. All so seemingly much harder then the first. It didn't quite make sense to me. 'Logically' thinking, the first would be the worse right?

Looking into it further i made several realizations. The 'firsts' were hard. (and hard seems to downplay the true emotions..) but it was a different kind of hard. Her death was still so fresh, so new. That although we were grieving being without her, we were still freshly grieving her death. We were still learning to manage our day to day routine without her. We were still figuring out what normal meant again. we were still trying to make sense of what had just happened merely months before. last mother's day, we didn't do anything. j didn't get me anything.. i didn't want anything. i didn't even want to acknowledge the day. yes it was a holiday. but it was still a day without her. no different then any other day. so why make a big stink. why make it out to more then what it was? it just didn't make sense. she was gone and that's all there was to it.

but this year has proved to be dramatically different. all day yesterday and today i have felt close to tears. i have longed for her more then i had in quite some time. i missed all things about her. her fingers, toes her smile her eyes. i missed the just the simple 'being' of Savanna, her body, her breaths. i wanted it so badly this week it hurt. she would be 2 years old. old enough to run into the room and jump on the bed. old enough to 'help' daddy cook me breakfast in bed. old enough to hand me a hand painted artwork. old enough to give me a gift a hug a kiss. old enough to walk up to me and wrap her sweet arms around my neck and give me a sweet kiss. and yet here we are.

i have nothing. i think j knew it was hard. he got me some goodies.

Sticker for my car

we then went to lunch and just lounged. watched movies and hung out.

as i discussed these feelings with dr. d she helped me to figure out where the overcoming of emotions stemmed from. the second year withouts are in all actuality the firsts. think about it. the first year.. we're just trying to survive, trying to cope, trying to merely take another breath. but for us, by the second time, we've somehow managed. we have somehow survived the first year. the first withouts. and through the passing of days we found a new routine a new 'normal.' our heads and minds in a different place. the pieces aren't as broken and the hurt doesn't sting. although the pain is still ever present we have become more accustomed to it. we have learned to survive on a daily basis. and so with that.. the second withouts become the first. and to me it made so much sense.

i wish so badly and with my whole heart that i could be celebrating this day with her. my heart feels torn back into pieces, and the pain resonates throughout my entire body. my stomach pangs and my legs feel weak. my heart seems to skip a beat as people wish me a happy mothers day. it warms my heart that others know that i am still a mother. no, not in the way that is conventional by any means. rather then decorating a room, or setting up play dates, i decorate a grave. instead of giving her baths and play time outside, i clean her memorial stone. i bring flowers to make her spot look pretty instead of putting them in her hair. i will never get to experience a morning of breakfast in bed with my Savanna's bright blue eyes staring back at me. i will never feel her sweet little arms wrapped around my waist. i will never get to hear her heartbeat or feel her breaths on my skin as she smothers me in mommy kisses. and today that reality has completely crashed its tidal wave into my face. and my heart hurts. i miss her. so bad. and i want her back.

i want life to be how i want it to be. i want her here bouncing on my lap. i want her getting into things she's not supposed to. i want to put her timeout, push her down the slide. i want to watch her be curious about all the things in this world. i want her to ask me why over and over and over until i finally say because i said so. i want her. and only her.

i don't like the new realization. i don't like it one bit. i want to go back and be in the surreality. at least then it somehow felt like the feelings were real. but now, now that's ever so slowly evolving into my reality i want it to go away. reality hurts too badly. surrealness brings a false reality, which i realize.. but that false reality didn't sting as badly it didn't create quite as many tears.. it didn't bring forth the what-ifs. i miss her. i want her back.
I want to wish a Happy Mother's Day to all of you beautiful and loving mother's out there. Whether you hold your babies in your arms or carry them in your heart. If there is one thing I know as my reality, no one, NO ONE, can take away the gift of being a mother. Grab onto it, hold it close, and cherish the moments. whether you are able to carry out the motherly acts in the way you wish or the way you don't.. you are special. you are a mother. xoxo
I wanted to share some photos we had done when she was 8 weeks old. Our very first family photos.. and unfortunately the only ones we were able to do. Thank you to Olivia Womack Photography for capturing the some of the best moments.