Looking into it further i made several realizations. The 'firsts' were hard. (and hard seems to downplay the true emotions..) but it was a different kind of hard. Her death was still so fresh, so new. That although we were grieving being without her, we were still freshly grieving her death. We were still learning to manage our day to day routine without her. We were still figuring out what normal meant again. we were still trying to make sense of what had just happened merely months before. last mother's day, we didn't do anything. j didn't get me anything.. i didn't want anything. i didn't even want to acknowledge the day. yes it was a holiday. but it was still a day without her. no different then any other day. so why make a big stink. why make it out to more then what it was? it just didn't make sense. she was gone and that's all there was to it.
but this year has proved to be dramatically different. all day yesterday and today i have felt close to tears. i have longed for her more then i had in quite some time. i missed all things about her. her fingers, toes her smile her eyes. i missed the just the simple 'being' of Savanna, her body, her breaths. i wanted it so badly this week it hurt. she would be 2 years old. old enough to run into the room and jump on the bed. old enough to 'help' daddy cook me breakfast in bed. old enough to hand me a hand painted artwork. old enough to give me a gift a hug a kiss. old enough to walk up to me and wrap her sweet arms around my neck and give me a sweet kiss. and yet here we are.
i have nothing. i think j knew it was hard. he got me some goodies.
|Sticker for my car|
we then went to lunch and just lounged. watched movies and hung out.
as i discussed these feelings with dr. d she helped me to figure out where the overcoming of emotions stemmed from. the second year withouts are in all actuality the firsts. think about it. the first year.. we're just trying to survive, trying to cope, trying to merely take another breath. but for us, by the second time, we've somehow managed. we have somehow survived the first year. the first withouts. and through the passing of days we found a new routine a new 'normal.' our heads and minds in a different place. the pieces aren't as broken and the hurt doesn't sting. although the pain is still ever present we have become more accustomed to it. we have learned to survive on a daily basis. and so with that.. the second withouts become the first. and to me it made so much sense.
i wish so badly and with my whole heart that i could be celebrating this day with her. my heart feels torn back into pieces, and the pain resonates throughout my entire body. my stomach pangs and my legs feel weak. my heart seems to skip a beat as people wish me a happy mothers day. it warms my heart that others know that i am still a mother. no, not in the way that is conventional by any means. rather then decorating a room, or setting up play dates, i decorate a grave. instead of giving her baths and play time outside, i clean her memorial stone. i bring flowers to make her spot look pretty instead of putting them in her hair. i will never get to experience a morning of breakfast in bed with my Savanna's bright blue eyes staring back at me. i will never feel her sweet little arms wrapped around my waist. i will never get to hear her heartbeat or feel her breaths on my skin as she smothers me in mommy kisses. and today that reality has completely crashed its tidal wave into my face. and my heart hurts. i miss her. so bad. and i want her back.
i want life to be how i want it to be. i want her here bouncing on my lap. i want her getting into things she's not supposed to. i want to put her timeout, push her down the slide. i want to watch her be curious about all the things in this world. i want her to ask me why over and over and over until i finally say because i said so. i want her. and only her.
i don't like the new realization. i don't like it one bit. i want to go back and be in the surreality. at least then it somehow felt like the feelings were real. but now, now that's ever so slowly evolving into my reality i want it to go away. reality hurts too badly. surrealness brings a false reality, which i realize.. but that false reality didn't sting as badly it didn't create quite as many tears.. it didn't bring forth the what-ifs. i miss her. i want her back.
I want to wish a Happy Mother's Day to all of you beautiful and loving mother's out there. Whether you hold your babies in your arms or carry them in your heart. If there is one thing I know as my reality, no one, NO ONE, can take away the gift of being a mother. Grab onto it, hold it close, and cherish the moments. whether you are able to carry out the motherly acts in the way you wish or the way you don't.. you are special. you are a mother. xoxo
I wanted to share some photos we had done when she was 8 weeks old. Our very first family photos.. and unfortunately the only ones we were able to do. Thank you to Olivia Womack Photography for capturing the some of the best moments.