May 13, 2012

Mothers Day

Well here it is another 'holiday' without her. This second string of holidays without Savanna has been so drastically different then the first. This has been a conversation I have had with Dr. D several times. The second Thanksgiving, Christmas, Birthday and now Mother's Day. All so seemingly much harder then the first. It didn't quite make sense to me. 'Logically' thinking, the first would be the worse right?

Looking into it further i made several realizations. The 'firsts' were hard. (and hard seems to downplay the true emotions..) but it was a different kind of hard. Her death was still so fresh, so new. That although we were grieving being without her, we were still freshly grieving her death. We were still learning to manage our day to day routine without her. We were still figuring out what normal meant again. we were still trying to make sense of what had just happened merely months before. last mother's day, we didn't do anything. j didn't get me anything.. i didn't want anything. i didn't even want to acknowledge the day. yes it was a holiday. but it was still a day without her. no different then any other day. so why make a big stink. why make it out to more then what it was? it just didn't make sense. she was gone and that's all there was to it.

but this year has proved to be dramatically different. all day yesterday and today i have felt close to tears. i have longed for her more then i had in quite some time. i missed all things about her. her fingers, toes her smile her eyes. i missed the just the simple 'being' of Savanna, her body, her breaths. i wanted it so badly this week it hurt. she would be 2 years old. old enough to run into the room and jump on the bed. old enough to 'help' daddy cook me breakfast in bed. old enough to hand me a hand painted artwork. old enough to give me a gift a hug a kiss. old enough to walk up to me and wrap her sweet arms around my neck and give me a sweet kiss. and yet here we are.

i have nothing. i think j knew it was hard. he got me some goodies.

Sticker for my car

we then went to lunch and just lounged. watched movies and hung out.

as i discussed these feelings with dr. d she helped me to figure out where the overcoming of emotions stemmed from. the second year withouts are in all actuality the firsts. think about it. the first year.. we're just trying to survive, trying to cope, trying to merely take another breath. but for us, by the second time, we've somehow managed. we have somehow survived the first year. the first withouts. and through the passing of days we found a new routine a new 'normal.' our heads and minds in a different place. the pieces aren't as broken and the hurt doesn't sting. although the pain is still ever present we have become more accustomed to it. we have learned to survive on a daily basis. and so with that.. the second withouts become the first. and to me it made so much sense.

i wish so badly and with my whole heart that i could be celebrating this day with her. my heart feels torn back into pieces, and the pain resonates throughout my entire body. my stomach pangs and my legs feel weak. my heart seems to skip a beat as people wish me a happy mothers day. it warms my heart that others know that i am still a mother. no, not in the way that is conventional by any means. rather then decorating a room, or setting up play dates, i decorate a grave. instead of giving her baths and play time outside, i clean her memorial stone. i bring flowers to make her spot look pretty instead of putting them in her hair. i will never get to experience a morning of breakfast in bed with my Savanna's bright blue eyes staring back at me. i will never feel her sweet little arms wrapped around my waist. i will never get to hear her heartbeat or feel her breaths on my skin as she smothers me in mommy kisses. and today that reality has completely crashed its tidal wave into my face. and my heart hurts. i miss her. so bad. and i want her back.

i want life to be how i want it to be. i want her here bouncing on my lap. i want her getting into things she's not supposed to. i want to put her timeout, push her down the slide. i want to watch her be curious about all the things in this world. i want her to ask me why over and over and over until i finally say because i said so. i want her. and only her.

i don't like the new realization. i don't like it one bit. i want to go back and be in the surreality. at least then it somehow felt like the feelings were real. but now, now that's ever so slowly evolving into my reality i want it to go away. reality hurts too badly. surrealness brings a false reality, which i realize.. but that false reality didn't sting as badly it didn't create quite as many tears.. it didn't bring forth the what-ifs. i miss her. i want her back.
I want to wish a Happy Mother's Day to all of you beautiful and loving mother's out there. Whether you hold your babies in your arms or carry them in your heart. If there is one thing I know as my reality, no one, NO ONE, can take away the gift of being a mother. Grab onto it, hold it close, and cherish the moments. whether you are able to carry out the motherly acts in the way you wish or the way you don't.. you are special. you are a mother. xoxo
I wanted to share some photos we had done when she was 8 weeks old. Our very first family photos.. and unfortunately the only ones we were able to do. Thank you to Olivia Womack Photography for capturing the some of the best moments.

7 blessings, thoughts. &. feelings:

Shananigans said...

My thoughts are with you. I am sending you big hugs <3 I'm ten years in and it's still hard. I still cry. But it is and I are allowed to cry for part of us is missing. Lots of love to you today and always.

Onyria said...

Thank you for your honest words. Your pain is difficult to read about so I can only imagine how much harder it is to feel. My heart brakes that this is the reality. I know if prayers could bring someone back she'd have been back long ago. But I am forever grateful that I got to meet her. You were and are such a good momma to her. Thinking of you today and everyday. Love the beautiful pictures.

Tarsh said...

Beautiful and powerful post. I am overcome with emotion and the truth behind your pain and can relate so much to what you are saying. You write so beautifully.
The first year is filled with the sorrow and you are so right about the second year being filled with the realisation and obvious truth. The pain never goes away, it changes, but it never goes away and some days are just so much harder than others. Mothers day is one of the many days we are reminded of everything. Big hugs to you

Amy Silver said...

What beautiful pictures!! I don't feel that I have the right to say anything.. Because I have NO IDEA. However, I love that you said that, we are ALL mothers and no one/nothing can take that away!! I thought about you yesterday and hoped that you felt her love all around you. Happy Mother's Day!

Tiffany said...

it is so unfair. they should be here with us. thinking of you and Savanna always. i hope yesterday was as gentle as it could be.

Ashley said...

The pictures of your family are beautiful. Mother's Day is one of those incredibly difficult days. ((hugs))

Dandelion Breeze said...

Thinking of you and Savanna with all my heart... and wish that you never had to go through such a heartbreaking loss and mother's days without her. love to you both xoxo