December 14, 2010

You hear about it.. but you never...

You read it in the papers, on the internet. You see it on the movies, on TV. You hear from a friend that it happened to a friend of theirs. You hear from a relative it happened to a cousin. You always hear it was someone else. You never think that someone else will be you. You wake up and go through your daily routine. You eat, shower, shit, shave, work, play, watch tv, do homework, study for tests, sleep... You wake up not realizing that sometimes you take things for granted. What and who was there in the morning will be there that night. But than a phone call happens, a text message, an email.. and your routine as you know it falls apart. Your world shatters and your heart breaks. You wait to wake up, that's how it happens in the movies right?! You're dying baby is on the emergency room bed, the doctors and nurses are hard at work. And you think to yourself "she will hear my voice, feel my hand on hers, and she will breathe, she will wake up, she will look up at me and smile." But that doesn't happen. You always read about it, hear about it.. but you never think it will be you.

But this time, it was me.

I was the one to get the text message "It's an emergency come quick" I got the phone call "there's an ambulance" I was the one to face the paramedics "she's not breathing" I was the one to walk into the emergency room and see my little helpless baby girl being worked on. It was my hand the doctor touched as he told me 'the prognosis is not good' It was my husband who had to tell the doctor to stop. I was the one who held my daughter with no life left in her. It was me.
That day, Friday November 12, 2010 at 2:43 PM I got the phone call.

Sidenote: I realize that I talk about "I" and that's what this is for, me. It is not to take away from all of the others who are grieving or who miss her. This is my story of how I am trying to make sense of everything. So join me in this journey of trying to find peace, comfort, and understanding. And as I work through this process for ME I hope that it somehow helps YOU.
Dance with the angels baby girl..

8 blessings, thoughts. &. feelings:

marshelle63098 said...

Omg, That broke my heart, Im so sorry tabs. Im so sorry for what you have to go through, and deal with. You writing about it, Well i hope it brings you some peace. I know you miss her and i also know she is watching over you as we speak. I know its not the same not having her with you, I dont know what you are feeling, but as a mother i can only imagine, and I wouldnt want to be in your shoes. I hope as time goes on for you that the pain will ease. I love you tabs and my heart breaks for you still.

marshelle63098 said...

Also want to say, I admire your strength

Anonymous said...

My Sweet Angel Savanna Dawn My heart goes out to your Mommy and Daddy. Tabby my best friend Ex roomie :) but Most of all my sister! you will always be taken care of!
She will always be looking down and she will always make sure you notice! Savanna will never be forgotten! She was a blessing in my life as being her Aunt and everyone that has met her and even people who have not met her has been touched by her!
She will always be that beautiful smiling child that whenever you look at her you smile from ear to ear!
November 12th the day this tragedy has happened my heart stopped not just for me but for my sister! Tabby you have lost her here but you will never lose her in your heart!
Forever Savanna will be loved! I love you Tabby and Justin! I wish I could be there more than I have! I just want you both to know if you need anything Im just a phone call and a flight :) away!!

My heart is with you!

jackie wright said...

tabatha,things just dont seem right but just rember we are all here for you, when things like this happens we just dont know what to say we want to make sure we dont say the wrong thing and that would be easy to do so the best thing is to say nothing at all and just listen and to try and help you in any way we can ,and listen is the best way ,what you are doing is a start and i hope it will help to ease that pain you are going thru. just rember tab we all love you.

Brittney said...

I'm not really sure how to put into words, but oh my stars! This made me cry and having babies of my own, this is something that I will always fear. My heart truly goes out to you. You are amazing, talented and such a strong Woman! I pray this will help you during the hardest times of the day, everyday, or when you just can't sleep. I hope that those who have also survived their children can help you in ways that would be most helpful to you. I love you and I think of you everyday!

Dennise said...

Oh Tabby, I don't know how you do it. You are such a strong person, and I think so more after reading your blog. You may not think you are, but I do. This really made me cry, I cannot imagine the pain you have but I feel the pain in my heart for you and Justin. (I know mine cannot even begin to compare to yours because I have never met Savanna, only through you.) You are in my prayers every day; I admire you for being able to share your emotions with the whole world. Love you girl!

tena said...

Well just like every time we talk.....I'm crying again. Tab, I am so glad that you are writing this. There are lots of people just like us that, no matter how it happened, found themselves standing by a little grave asking "Why?". Not only will this blog help you with the grief you feel, but many others hearts and lives will be touched. What a wonderful memorial for little Savanna! As I've told you, I am 28 years ahead of you on this journey and you, my friend, are going to be OK. You have a strength within that only comes through faith in God. Is it going to be easy? No. I am sorry to say the walk will be hard especially in the beginning, but what I can tell you is that God will always be there to take your hand when the mountain gets a little to steep. His grace really is enough. I, along with many others, am praying for you every day. We will walk beside you as you go on this journey.

Onyria said...

Tabatha your words are so powerful. Thank you for sharing your story and your process. I will continue to pray for you today and everyday. I try time and time again to think of words to say to express how my heart aches for you and for Justin but I think language is so limited in the expression of true, deep, raw emotions. I think of you everyday and keep a picture of your sweet baby close by. Please, know that I love you and am here for you if you should ever need me. Blessings.