You hear about it.. but you never...

You read it in the papers, on the internet. You see it on the movies, on TV. You hear from a friend that it happened to a friend of theirs. You hear from a relative it happened to a cousin. You always hear it was someone else. You never think that someone else will be you. You wake up and go through your daily routine. You eat, shower, shit, shave, work, play, watch tv, do homework, study for tests, sleep... You wake up not realizing that sometimes you take things for granted. What and who was there in the morning will be there that night. But than a phone call happens, a text message, an email.. and your routine as you know it falls apart. Your world shatters and your heart breaks. You wait to wake up, that's how it happens in the movies right?! You're dying baby is on the emergency room bed, the doctors and nurses are hard at work. And you think to yourself "she will hear my voice, feel my hand on hers, and she will breathe, she will wake up, she will look up at me and smile." But that doesn't happen. You always read about it, hear about it.. but you never think it will be you.

But this time, it was me.

I was the one to get the text message "It's an emergency come quick" I got the phone call "there's an ambulance" I was the one to face the paramedics "she's not breathing" I was the one to walk into the emergency room and see my little helpless baby girl being worked on. It was my hand the doctor touched as he told me 'the prognosis is not good' It was my husband who had to tell the doctor to stop. I was the one who held my daughter with no life left in her. It was me.
That day, Friday November 12, 2010 at 2:43 PM I got the phone call.

Sidenote: I realize that I talk about "I" and that's what this is for, me. It is not to take away from all of the others who are grieving or who miss her. This is my story of how I am trying to make sense of everything. So join me in this journey of trying to find peace, comfort, and understanding. And as I work through this process for ME I hope that it somehow helps YOU.
Dance with the angels baby girl..