12.31.2010

WWIII has just erupted on my insides. It feels like someone has put a jackhammer to my heart and it's happening all over again. Her death certificate came.

Flashbacks of that day are shooting through my mind. The images of her little body on the gurney, tubes everywhere. Lifeless and cold. No longer my baby girl sitting there, just her body. I feel sick to my stomach. My chest is tight and feels like I'm suffocating. Right as I feel like I'm going to be OK, something snaps. A switch is flipped. And now I feel the emptiness all over again. So fresh in my memory, I wish I could erase it all, go back in time and re-do it all.

Her cause of death still showing pending, which means that once they receive all reports back we'll receive another one stating the 'cause'. Which means the war will happen all over again. I wish it would get easier, less painful, I wish I could feel more put together. The house is so quiet, I wish I could hear her laughter, I wish I could see her sweet smiling face looking up at me. Instead, I have her death certificate staring me in the face. Burning a hole straight through to my heart. I'm tired of the roller coaster, exhausted from the merry-go-round. Fearful, petrified, torn, broken, empty, lost, confused... all these things spiraling out of control. Nothing makes sense. I'm not even sure what I'm writing is making sense.

The wounds still so fresh. I just want her back. No amount of sorry's or condolences soothe the pain. It's just a constant reminder that I have lost something. I may put on a good show on the outside, but my insides are jumbled, and nothing seems to make sense. I'm trying to find the good, the silver lining. I'm searching to God for my answers...  Lord please ease my pain, fill my void. Get me through this moment. Show me the light so that I may claw my way through this ever so dark moment. Give me your hand and guide me through this entangled forest. Give me strength, give me courage, give me wisdom. Amen