(Just as a warning, I do talk about some rather sensitive things, and it may upset..)
I have been thinking all day about what I wanted to express and talk about. It didn't come to me until late this evening. I was getting my hair done, sitting in the chair. My hair dresser was asking me what happened. As I was talking to her telling the events that occurred, it suddenly came to me.
Everyday we wake up, we make choices. We chose to get out of bed, to take a shower, what we're going to wear, what we want for breakfast. We chose to go to work, school or to just stay home. We chose what we want for lunch, we chose what kind of mood we are going to be in. We chose to let people upset us. We chose to laugh, cry, yell, smile, frown. Some choices are easier than others. But life is a choice. And the day after I had a choice...
Many people have said "I don't know how you do it, I don't know how you're standing here..." Well, I had a choice too.
That Saturday after our little Savanna joined the Lord I first had a choice to get out of bed. Trust me, I didn't want to! I didn't want to eat, shower, pee, brush my teeth, get up. But than I really had to pee and had no choice but to get up! :) Although I seriously contemplated it, I didn't think J would appreciate that, and it's quite unsanitary! So I got up to pee, and I thought, well I'm in here I might as well brush my teeth. It was a rough night, waking up in the middle of the night thinking I heard her cry, checking the monitor to make sure it was on.. only to realize... Needless to say I looked like hell..
Well I heard everyone piddling around and decided to come out of my den, it was nerve-racking being in the bedroom by myself. Too many dark thoughts and sad moments creeped in. So I went outside. You see, that weekend the weather called for heavy rain, overcast, and just nasty weather. But that's not what I saw when I walked outside. Instead, I saw a beautiful blue sky, not a cloud in sight and the sun just ever so slightly peeking over the rooftops of the neighbors house. At that moment I knew my little girl was with me and that moment I made a choice.
I chose to keep going, to wake up everyday. What would I do if she were still here? I would keep going.. so why should I stop? It just didn't seem right to mope around and be sad all the time.. so that day I chose to laugh a little, smile some, and yes folks TAKE A SHOWER! :) But it wasn't always good things to chose.. J and I had some very tough choices ahead of us.
That day we had to decide where we would bury her, what we would bury her in, what she would take with her to her final resting place. So we did. Van, TX seemed the perfect place, it's where J grew up, where we plan to retire. We chose her ducky pajamas (she had a pair in every size!) We chose her favorite toys and blanket. It didn't seem right, I'm 24 and I'm having to CHOOSE what to bury my 7 month 15 day old daughter in.. but that was the easy compared to the choices we had to make the next day.
The next day we headed to the funeral home. We knew she was already there. It killed me to know she was so close and I couldn't be with her. That she was alone. Well we went into this room with one of the gals there. And we than had to chose how her funeral would go. Viewing? Service? Graveside service? Who would be the pall bearers? What music would you like? Who would you like to officiate the service? What would you like to include in the program? And than the moment I dreaded, the casket... The fact that they even have to make them that small makes me sick to my stomach but it was a choice we had to make. So we chose one. And we chose not to do a viewing. We chose to have a service at the church J grew up in with a graveside service as well. We chose the Grandpas to be the pall bearers. We chose the music to be played and the pictures to be placed in the programs. We than had to chose the spot we would lay her to rest.
We chose a very fitting spot I think. It's up on a hill, and at the suns highest point of the day it shines directly on her. Diagonally from her is another little girl, A miss Abigail, who joined the Lord November 13th 2000 at a mere 3 weeks old. So it seemed perfect, or as perfect as that situation can be I guess.
So now I bring you back to how am I here, standing (somewhat) well that week following her passing I had to make some of the most difficult choices I think I will ever have to make. I endured a pain no mother should have to feel.. and emptiness that should never be made real, I had to chose how and when I would bury my little girl. After that, getting up in the morning didn't seem so bad. I had two choices to fall apart or to keep going, and I chose to keep going.
Dance with the angels baby girl...