December 23, 2010


Google's definition: is the sudden death of an infant under one year of age which remains unexplained after a thorough case investigation, including performance of a complete autopsy, examination of the death scene, and review of the clinical history...

Wikipedia's definition: a syndrome marked by the sudden death of an infant that is unexpected by history and remains unexplained after a thorough forensic autopsy and a detailed death scene investigation

My definition: "I have no idea why you're perfectly healthy baby died"

SIDS also known as sudden infant death syndrome. An umbrella diagnosis when they can't seem to find any medical, or logical explanation as to why and infant dies.

This is what they're calling it.. it's 'unofficial' but we're 'ruling' it as SIDS. That's what the investigators told us after they performed the autopsy. They can't officially rule and 'close the case' until the toxicology results come back. Which, I might add, can take 4-6 MONTHS! Are you kidding me? It's like an annoying hangnail, nails on a chalkboard, tickle in your throat kind of feeling. That knot in the pit of your stomach constantly twisting and turning. No closure, no answers, no sense... it's SIDS.

So what does it all entail?? No answers. I sometimes wish I had someone to blame, something to point my finger at. Because than I could somehow justify it, I could know why. Instead, she just stopped breathing.. no rhyme or reason.. No obstruction in her throat, nothing constricting her breathing, no fluid in her lungs.. just stopped. How does that happen? Why does that happen?

So much confusion and unanswered questions. Questions that I know we'll never have the answer to. Answers that only He knows. We can try to make sense of it somehow, but the more we try the more confused we are. So, here's how I have attempted to make sense of it.

It's God's way of taking them back, painlessly and without struggle. J said to me one day when we were researching this diagnosis and he said it in perfect words. It's as if God came and thumped them on the forehead.. Just like that. Just that quickly. So on one hand I'm thankful that she didn't suffer, on the other hand I'm angry that the only explanation I can get is SIDS. We thought she was over the hump. It's something you worry about in the first few months, not when they're 7 months old. Not when she could roll over on her own. Not when she could sit up and crawl. Not when she was already trying to pull up.

I have no wise words of encouragement or a thought process that gives comfort. All I have are questions. I pray everyday that the Lord will grant me the peace to let go. To just be OK with the outcome. There are days where I feel like I can do that, and others where I feel like I'm hanging on by a tattered string. My heart and my feelings are entwined in a loose ball of yarn, and it forever keeps unraveling only to be mushed back together with knots and twists in it. It's confusing and messy.

I know one day when I meet the Lord at the gates, I will than have the answers and understand. But right now, in this place and time, I'm just lost. Lost without her, lonely without her.. my arms feel cold, my heart shattered, eyes are blind without her smile, ears are deaf without her laugh. It's nights and moments like these that I don't know how to move forward. It's nights like tonight where encouraging words are sparse, comforting thoughts are turned away. It's moments like tonight when the darkness sets in. I feel like I'm drowning in a puddle of quicksand... I'm waiting for God to reach down and pull me out.. and when He does, this moment will be over. And than I have to live for the next moment and pray that Satan does not prey on my dark thoughts and that the Lord will keep in the light.

3 blessings, thoughts. &. feelings:

marshelle63098 said...

I hate it that their is no explanation other than SIDS, I wish you comfort and peace, but that is easier said than done. Im sorry you are lost and lonley without your precious little one, I hate it that she was healthy and now she is gone, It doesnt make any sense. Im so sorry tabs. I know she is watching over you, and i know its not the same without her, I can only imagine what you are going through. I dont think i could face the day to day. you are a strong woman and you are and will be again a great mother. Your baby girl is an angle now and you will see her again one day. I just wish i could turn back time and fix this for you, I wish i could give her back to you. I love you tabbs and i think you are doing a great job letting out your feelings. Alot of people worry about you, and this way here we can get a sence of how you are doing and feeling, without you having to speak. Again Im so sorry for this time in your life and everyday that you have to earn for her.

Anonymous said...


I pray that you will watch over Tabatha and Justin as they deal with this cross they have to bear. Lord, I just ask that you be with them and let them know that even though this terrible and unthinkable thing has happened to them, that you love them, and that one day, when we all meet again, they can have some closure. Until then Lord, be witht them, keep them safe and give them the ability to go through this. Lord, we ask this in your name. Amen

Tena said...

Hey my friend. So sorry that tonight is really hard. I am thinking of you, praying for you and extending my hand to try to help you in this dark time. The thing about the dark only endures for a season, then the dawn breaks and Gods mercies, that are new every day, are there to lift us and once again guide us along our path. I am praying for the warm light of Gods spirit to shine into the deep places of your heart, warming you and wrapping you in His love.