SIDS

Google's definition: is the sudden death of an infant under one year of age which remains unexplained after a thorough case investigation, including performance of a complete autopsy, examination of the death scene, and review of the clinical history...

Wikipedia's definition: a syndrome marked by the sudden death of an infant that is unexpected by history and remains unexplained after a thorough forensic autopsy and a detailed death scene investigation

My definition: "I have no idea why you're perfectly healthy baby died"

SIDS also known as sudden infant death syndrome. An umbrella diagnosis when they can't seem to find any medical, or logical explanation as to why and infant dies.

This is what they're calling it.. it's 'unofficial' but we're 'ruling' it as SIDS. That's what the investigators told us after they performed the autopsy. They can't officially rule and 'close the case' until the toxicology results come back. Which, I might add, can take 4-6 MONTHS! Are you kidding me? It's like an annoying hangnail, nails on a chalkboard, tickle in your throat kind of feeling. That knot in the pit of your stomach constantly twisting and turning. No closure, no answers, no sense... it's SIDS.

So what does it all entail?? No answers. I sometimes wish I had someone to blame, something to point my finger at. Because than I could somehow justify it, I could know why. Instead, she just stopped breathing.. no rhyme or reason.. No obstruction in her throat, nothing constricting her breathing, no fluid in her lungs.. just stopped. How does that happen? Why does that happen?

So much confusion and unanswered questions. Questions that I know we'll never have the answer to. Answers that only He knows. We can try to make sense of it somehow, but the more we try the more confused we are. So, here's how I have attempted to make sense of it.

It's God's way of taking them back, painlessly and without struggle. J said to me one day when we were researching this diagnosis and he said it in perfect words. It's as if God came and thumped them on the forehead.. Just like that. Just that quickly. So on one hand I'm thankful that she didn't suffer, on the other hand I'm angry that the only explanation I can get is SIDS. We thought she was over the hump. It's something you worry about in the first few months, not when they're 7 months old. Not when she could roll over on her own. Not when she could sit up and crawl. Not when she was already trying to pull up.

I have no wise words of encouragement or a thought process that gives comfort. All I have are questions. I pray everyday that the Lord will grant me the peace to let go. To just be OK with the outcome. There are days where I feel like I can do that, and others where I feel like I'm hanging on by a tattered string. My heart and my feelings are entwined in a loose ball of yarn, and it forever keeps unraveling only to be mushed back together with knots and twists in it. It's confusing and messy.

I know one day when I meet the Lord at the gates, I will than have the answers and understand. But right now, in this place and time, I'm just lost. Lost without her, lonely without her.. my arms feel cold, my heart shattered, eyes are blind without her smile, ears are deaf without her laugh. It's nights and moments like these that I don't know how to move forward. It's nights like tonight where encouraging words are sparse, comforting thoughts are turned away. It's moments like tonight when the darkness sets in. I feel like I'm drowning in a puddle of quicksand... I'm waiting for God to reach down and pull me out.. and when He does, this moment will be over. And than I have to live for the next moment and pray that Satan does not prey on my dark thoughts and that the Lord will keep in the light.