i'm calling on you to help me out!
i've never been a decisive person. just ask J he'll tell you.
trying to pick a place to eat.. WWII
trying to find something to wear = half my closet on the bedroom floor
it's true i'm sucky at making decision. (but i certainly am well aware of what i DONT want!)
so i've been racking my brain trying to find that perfect new title for the blog. something that just smooshes everything into one. but i can't decide.
i'm not quite sure if i've found 'the one' yet.. so i need your help!
i'll list the ones i have come up with, you tell me if you like one of those. OR if you think of something better :)
while i love and always will love Savanna's Wings.. i feel it's time to retire it an bring forward the evolved creations of our life from todays. thanks in advance for being awesome!
Titles so far:
Life with the Bogues (so simple i know)
Just Breathe
Our Thereafter
Silver Linings
So This Is Love
Ok folks, that's all i've got so far.. help a sister out! :)
Showing posts with label update. Show all posts
Showing posts with label update. Show all posts
August 6, 2013
August 5, 2013
Meeting Milestones
first i wanted to start off by saying that i am sooo ready to get back into writing again. i've had trouble getting back into the swing of things when it comes to this blog. (as i'm sure you've realized as the posts get more sporadic and then there's bursts of promise that i'm back). there have been several times that i sit here and i stare. and i stare. i click the keys. then delete. stare some more. until finally i click out of blogger and head over to fb or youtube.
so i had to dig deep. well not really. i just had to think. and if you know me at all, you know how intense my schedule is. i pretty much have to pencil thinking into my calendar events. along with pooping and showering. pitiful. i know. (ahhh the life of a nursing student).
so as i used my time wisely i began to ponder over why it was that i simply just couldn't blog anymore. even though the need and the desire to was still clearly present. and then it hit me. it was so clear and made so much sense. (i've even talked about it before duh!)
this is Savanna's space.
it always has been.
i have always reserved this place to be completely and truly vulnerable when it came to my grief and how i was feeling. or simply just the head space i was in at that particular time i decided to type.
as i always talk about my grief evolving, i've alsotalked typed a bit about this space evolving. but for some reason, i couldn't do it. i just couldn't. and so i came up with the thought of 'oh, well i'll just start a new blog.' sorry to say.. that's too much work.. remember how i said i have to schedule poop time?? yeah. carrying a secondary blog, or heck just starting over didn't seem a feasible option. it seemed more of a headache. so, again. i thought some more. (i had to push some things back in my schedule to alott for this extra time i needed).
and the impact of my realization pretty much slapped me in the face. and it rather crushed my heart a bit as the that moment came to me. it was so crystal clear, but so hurtful at the same time. so here it is.
although i know all things evolve. all things change. i was stuck in a bit of denial about this special little blog. i didn't want to truly admit what was happening to this space. so i would come on here, let y'all know i was still alive. let y'all know i was still hurting. still sad. still trying to survive. and then it would appease my guilt. but here's the thing. i would write more..
if.
i didn't always have to write about Savanna.
if.
i didn't always have to write about grief.
if...
*******
that stings. well hurts like a SOB to say that here. somehow anytime i type anything here it becomes real. becomes permaneant. becomes reality. i think because of how much time, energy and care i've put into this space. it's always been reserved for her.
but now.
i've reached an entirely different place in my journey.
acceptance.
even as i type the words i have tears running down my face. tears of sadness? yes. but also tears of hope. it's been 2 years 8 months 23 days since our girl became an angel. and for the first time today i've made it permaneant. made it a reality. i've accepted the life that's been lost.
i have accepted that this IS my new life
i have accepted that i'll never know why
i have accepted that my daughter died.
i. have. accepted.
and to be honest.. it feels nice. it feels refreshing. it feels hopeful and uplifting.
don't skew my words though.. should you be on the outside looking in.. this may be strange. may sound strange. and you may not understand. but stop before you judge. the shoes i walk in are ones that follow a very treacherous road. so take heed before you 'imagine' yourself in them.
i will continue to miss her each and every day. and still. not a day goes by that i don't think of her. she is always forever will be my girl. my Bo. my Savanna. that will never NEVER change.
but i've changed. and i have been molded into this new found person. death changes you. whether you want it to or not. whether you think it does or not. whether you think you've stayed the same or not. you change. you are molded and created into an entirely new being. the bits of past are still remnant of who you are. but ultimately you become renewed.
i always thought that my membership to mommyhood had been stripped, suspended so to speak. i know today that it's not true. so many false truths we push into our minds and create such dark and dreary circumstances for ourselves. the devil himself encourages these very easy to stay in thoughts.
but after so much work. so much trial and error. many many many tears. break downs. panic attacks. yelling fits. uncontrollable cries. fights. i have found the light of acceptance. and i am grateful.
so.
with that being said. where does that leave sweet Savanna's Wings?
well it will change.
so much of my issue with this space is that i just didn't feel the need to write about Savanna as much as used to. Most things were repeated. i had skipped and hopped from one grief stage to the other that i just felt like i was on a repeated loop. and so it didn't mean as much so i just stopped. i hated feeling like a broken record. it wasn't helpful.
but as my heart began to continue its healing, i realized there was more i wanted to share with the world. there was more i wanted to share with y'all.
the struggles with infertility.
trying to conceive after an infant loss.
DIY projects.
marriage trials and tribulations.
trips and vacations.
laughter and happiness.
hope and light.
but until i made this change in my heart and until i made it ok to change this space within myself i knew it wouldn't happen.
but now.
now it's ok.
so as i do more research, the face of the blog will be changing. Savanna's Wings will be filed to the places of my heart filled with memories of her. you will still be able to come to this place to find me here. i haven't quite figured out the finer details.. i am still on the hunt for a blog designer :) i know i could probably conquer this myself BUT remember what i said about scheduling ;)
so come on in. grab some coffee and your most fave blanket. join me on this next journey of our lives. cross the road hand in hand with me while my little ladybug sprinkles her love and light, happiness and hope all along the way.
so i had to dig deep. well not really. i just had to think. and if you know me at all, you know how intense my schedule is. i pretty much have to pencil thinking into my calendar events. along with pooping and showering. pitiful. i know. (ahhh the life of a nursing student).
so as i used my time wisely i began to ponder over why it was that i simply just couldn't blog anymore. even though the need and the desire to was still clearly present. and then it hit me. it was so clear and made so much sense. (i've even talked about it before duh!)
this is Savanna's space.
it always has been.
i have always reserved this place to be completely and truly vulnerable when it came to my grief and how i was feeling. or simply just the head space i was in at that particular time i decided to type.
as i always talk about my grief evolving, i've also
and the impact of my realization pretty much slapped me in the face. and it rather crushed my heart a bit as the that moment came to me. it was so crystal clear, but so hurtful at the same time. so here it is.
although i know all things evolve. all things change. i was stuck in a bit of denial about this special little blog. i didn't want to truly admit what was happening to this space. so i would come on here, let y'all know i was still alive. let y'all know i was still hurting. still sad. still trying to survive. and then it would appease my guilt. but here's the thing. i would write more..
if.
i didn't always have to write about Savanna.
if.
i didn't always have to write about grief.
if...
*******
that stings. well hurts like a SOB to say that here. somehow anytime i type anything here it becomes real. becomes permaneant. becomes reality. i think because of how much time, energy and care i've put into this space. it's always been reserved for her.
but now.
i've reached an entirely different place in my journey.
acceptance.
even as i type the words i have tears running down my face. tears of sadness? yes. but also tears of hope. it's been 2 years 8 months 23 days since our girl became an angel. and for the first time today i've made it permaneant. made it a reality. i've accepted the life that's been lost.
i have accepted that this IS my new life
i have accepted that i'll never know why
i have accepted that my daughter died.
i. have. accepted.
and to be honest.. it feels nice. it feels refreshing. it feels hopeful and uplifting.
don't skew my words though.. should you be on the outside looking in.. this may be strange. may sound strange. and you may not understand. but stop before you judge. the shoes i walk in are ones that follow a very treacherous road. so take heed before you 'imagine' yourself in them.
i will continue to miss her each and every day. and still. not a day goes by that i don't think of her. she is always forever will be my girl. my Bo. my Savanna. that will never NEVER change.
but i've changed. and i have been molded into this new found person. death changes you. whether you want it to or not. whether you think it does or not. whether you think you've stayed the same or not. you change. you are molded and created into an entirely new being. the bits of past are still remnant of who you are. but ultimately you become renewed.
i always thought that my membership to mommyhood had been stripped, suspended so to speak. i know today that it's not true. so many false truths we push into our minds and create such dark and dreary circumstances for ourselves. the devil himself encourages these very easy to stay in thoughts.
but after so much work. so much trial and error. many many many tears. break downs. panic attacks. yelling fits. uncontrollable cries. fights. i have found the light of acceptance. and i am grateful.
so.
with that being said. where does that leave sweet Savanna's Wings?
well it will change.
so much of my issue with this space is that i just didn't feel the need to write about Savanna as much as used to. Most things were repeated. i had skipped and hopped from one grief stage to the other that i just felt like i was on a repeated loop. and so it didn't mean as much so i just stopped. i hated feeling like a broken record. it wasn't helpful.
but as my heart began to continue its healing, i realized there was more i wanted to share with the world. there was more i wanted to share with y'all.
the struggles with infertility.
trying to conceive after an infant loss.
DIY projects.
marriage trials and tribulations.
trips and vacations.
laughter and happiness.
hope and light.
but until i made this change in my heart and until i made it ok to change this space within myself i knew it wouldn't happen.
but now.
now it's ok.
so as i do more research, the face of the blog will be changing. Savanna's Wings will be filed to the places of my heart filled with memories of her. you will still be able to come to this place to find me here. i haven't quite figured out the finer details.. i am still on the hunt for a blog designer :) i know i could probably conquer this myself BUT remember what i said about scheduling ;)
so come on in. grab some coffee and your most fave blanket. join me on this next journey of our lives. cross the road hand in hand with me while my little ladybug sprinkles her love and light, happiness and hope all along the way.
March 14, 2012
A few updates
I have a few things to update you on.. bare with me.. I have been battling a migraine all day... thanks anesthesia! :-/
1. The pathology results came back from my lumpectomy/biopsy.....
NO CANCER!!!! Yup, that's right.. no stinkin blinkin cancer... ahhhhh.. I can breathe again. Tumor was benign (adenoma) it was exactly what they thought it was from the scans. It was definitely an incredibly scary, denial stricken and nerve racking time. And I have to thank SO many of YOU for all your prayers and thoughts. I go Tuesday to get these stupid stitches out... I'll be asking a few questions... will this re-occur, does this increase my cancer chances, do I have to do more frequent scans?? You know... all the important stuff. I'll let you guys know what I find out.
Today was my first 'full' day back at work since the surgery. It was a little rough. a little tiring. and battling this headache since the moment i got up has NOT helped whatsoever.. on top of it, i'm still a wee bit dizzy and lightheaded. I get a little winded when I exert any kind of energy.. which if you know where i work you know thats pretty much what i do.. exert energy haha. But I'm hoping with a cancer free sleep I'll feel better in the morning.. I have to work a 16 hour shift tomorrow and Friday..so i'm praying i can make it through..
2. We FINALLY get to go see Savanna's spot. I think Christmas was the last time we got to go. I hate that she's so far away that I can' just get in the car and go. But the last few times it's been hard. I've been so angry and resentful. I guess mostly because the reality of everything is really and finally sinking in. For the first year, i would fully expect to see a beautiful bubbly little girl sitting atop the headstone.. waiting for me to come. Sounds silly maybe, but the mind is a wonderous thing.. and my mind knew it would never happen, but you can't fault a mother's heart. A mother's wishing and wanting heart at that. I guess this last Christmas, our second Christmas without her, it truly hit me that no matter how many times we went, no matter how many different flowers or decorations we brought, she would NEVER be standing there, sitting there legs swinging, hair blowing, eyes glowing, smile beaming. It would always and always will be an image i'll hold in my mind.
It sucks. it really does. there's no other words that seem to even break ground to the way this whole journey feels. and sucky seems to be the best one. crappy is a good one.. or how about shit-hole. that one works too..
on top of the feelings we have just plain been busy. i work, i go to school, j works, j goes to school now. i work every saturday because of my school schedule. and it just hasn't worked out. but this week is spring break and so i was able to take some pto to steal away for the weekend to pay a visit to my sweet girl. the guilt has been overwhelming that i havent been there to spruce up her spot.. but now in less then 3 weeks time, her 2nd birthday will emerge and i will be forced to face yet another milestone... without her. but i did manage to make it to the store to get her some new and updated spring and birthday goodies...
I'm still in disbelief sometimes that this is how we 'get' to celebrate her birthday. J and I were looking at photos of her last night before bed and I found myself constantly reminding my mind that yes she was real and yes she did live. Funny isn't it.. you would think my mind would get it by now.. but the factuality just can't seem to maintain a spot in my mind. The surrealness still seems to overpower the realness of it all.
But anywho, I'm just happy to go visit. And happy to get some new and updated pictures.
3. If you have followed my blogs for awhile you'll know that since Savanna's death, I have felt like there was a purpose. Well that's what I allowed myself to believe. She couldn't have just died for nothing.. there had to be some 'grand plan' right? Well that's what I led myself to think. Right or wrong.. it worked for me. I felt a calling to help other people. I didn't know how.. I started doing SIDS advocacy work, we did Spring for SIDS, I attempted to do a memory box project... all different kinds of things. I would scour blogs upon blogs of BLM's who had found such beautiful and precious ways to mark a spot in the world for the little ones lost. And I was struggling finding mine. I would semi-commit only to let the projects fall to the wayside.. but now, now I think I have found it.
photography.
i have always been interested, always wanted to get into it, but always scared. knowing it was never something i could really be 'good' at. after Savanna died, a picture was all I had left. Photographs brought me back to memories I had sometimes forgotten, reminded me of minor details that i missed the most. the sad face.. my favorite face. it had begun to fade from my memory... but that face was captured by the shutter and a snap and i am now forever able to pull that photo up to recall any and every detail. all the way down to the wrinkles in her feet to the rolls in her arms and legs. and leading to the sweet little curls that would so stubbornly peak out from behind her ears.
so for Christmas this year, J bought me a camera.. and i started to dabble a little.. first with J's cousins little babe, then another and another... and now--well now i think i have found that fork in the road to take. i think i have found where i can be to help another. i am able to capture moments, faces, timeless and priceless memories for families. i know all the things i miss of Savanna all the things i wish i did have captured that i don't. and through the eyes of my loss and my grief for my daughter I am able to capture these moments for others. I may not be the best or the most technically skilled... but I know what I miss and I know what a mother loves and I know what my heart feels. and in all this i feel closer to Savanna. She guides me and reminds me why I'm doing it. I am able to help someone, help someone remember the small moments. The special in-between moments. The moment when mom is nursing her sweet new baby and dad gazes so lovingly at his precious gems before him. i can capture this for a family to have forever. and so Because of her Photography has been born. And I am so excited and thrilled, inspired and ready to fulfill this journey and walk this path wherever it may lead.
Here is my facebook page if you would like to take a look :)
And here is my photography blog i have yet to add too much to this one yet.. but i will be working with Franchesca once again over at Small Bird Studios to do a blog and logo design and I CANNOT wait!!!
4. this is the last of the updates.. i promise not to keep you up too much longer.. :) Speaking of Franchesca... she recently posted on her blog about passing on Abiding Hope Collage A project she started in memory of her daughter Jenna. Franchesca has a kind heart and such a sweet and giving soul but realized it was time to pass the torch for this project.. I had fought all that day, prayed if this is something I should take on or not. So finally I emailed her, and what do ya know... :)
so i am incredibly excited and supremely humbled to have officially taken over this wonderful project. This project is a way to help baby loss families remember their sweet babes taken too soon through the use of words they associate with their little ones. It is a collage of these words, put together individually by me. If you would like more information, or would like to put a request in for your very own please visit our blog and/or facebook page for updates.
Abiding Hope Collage Blog
Abiding Hope Collage Facebook Page
I am so excited to see where this project will take me! Thank you Franchesca for your confidance and trust in me to carry on this very dear project!
~~~~~
Well that's it.. well that's enough I should say! Those are the most major of major things going on in my life right now. I feel in a better place for the most part. Not feeling so self absorbed. And I must say... it feels GOOD to blog again :)
1. The pathology results came back from my lumpectomy/biopsy.....
NO CANCER!!!! Yup, that's right.. no stinkin blinkin cancer... ahhhhh.. I can breathe again. Tumor was benign (adenoma) it was exactly what they thought it was from the scans. It was definitely an incredibly scary, denial stricken and nerve racking time. And I have to thank SO many of YOU for all your prayers and thoughts. I go Tuesday to get these stupid stitches out... I'll be asking a few questions... will this re-occur, does this increase my cancer chances, do I have to do more frequent scans?? You know... all the important stuff. I'll let you guys know what I find out.
Today was my first 'full' day back at work since the surgery. It was a little rough. a little tiring. and battling this headache since the moment i got up has NOT helped whatsoever.. on top of it, i'm still a wee bit dizzy and lightheaded. I get a little winded when I exert any kind of energy.. which if you know where i work you know thats pretty much what i do.. exert energy haha. But I'm hoping with a cancer free sleep I'll feel better in the morning.. I have to work a 16 hour shift tomorrow and Friday..so i'm praying i can make it through..
2. We FINALLY get to go see Savanna's spot. I think Christmas was the last time we got to go. I hate that she's so far away that I can' just get in the car and go. But the last few times it's been hard. I've been so angry and resentful. I guess mostly because the reality of everything is really and finally sinking in. For the first year, i would fully expect to see a beautiful bubbly little girl sitting atop the headstone.. waiting for me to come. Sounds silly maybe, but the mind is a wonderous thing.. and my mind knew it would never happen, but you can't fault a mother's heart. A mother's wishing and wanting heart at that. I guess this last Christmas, our second Christmas without her, it truly hit me that no matter how many times we went, no matter how many different flowers or decorations we brought, she would NEVER be standing there, sitting there legs swinging, hair blowing, eyes glowing, smile beaming. It would always and always will be an image i'll hold in my mind.
It sucks. it really does. there's no other words that seem to even break ground to the way this whole journey feels. and sucky seems to be the best one. crappy is a good one.. or how about shit-hole. that one works too..
on top of the feelings we have just plain been busy. i work, i go to school, j works, j goes to school now. i work every saturday because of my school schedule. and it just hasn't worked out. but this week is spring break and so i was able to take some pto to steal away for the weekend to pay a visit to my sweet girl. the guilt has been overwhelming that i havent been there to spruce up her spot.. but now in less then 3 weeks time, her 2nd birthday will emerge and i will be forced to face yet another milestone... without her. but i did manage to make it to the store to get her some new and updated spring and birthday goodies...
 |
| Some new whirly gigs... and a little spring/easter decor |
 |
| I went for fun flowers rather then just a standard bouquet i usually do |
I'm still in disbelief sometimes that this is how we 'get' to celebrate her birthday. J and I were looking at photos of her last night before bed and I found myself constantly reminding my mind that yes she was real and yes she did live. Funny isn't it.. you would think my mind would get it by now.. but the factuality just can't seem to maintain a spot in my mind. The surrealness still seems to overpower the realness of it all.
But anywho, I'm just happy to go visit. And happy to get some new and updated pictures.
3. If you have followed my blogs for awhile you'll know that since Savanna's death, I have felt like there was a purpose. Well that's what I allowed myself to believe. She couldn't have just died for nothing.. there had to be some 'grand plan' right? Well that's what I led myself to think. Right or wrong.. it worked for me. I felt a calling to help other people. I didn't know how.. I started doing SIDS advocacy work, we did Spring for SIDS, I attempted to do a memory box project... all different kinds of things. I would scour blogs upon blogs of BLM's who had found such beautiful and precious ways to mark a spot in the world for the little ones lost. And I was struggling finding mine. I would semi-commit only to let the projects fall to the wayside.. but now, now I think I have found it.
photography.
i have always been interested, always wanted to get into it, but always scared. knowing it was never something i could really be 'good' at. after Savanna died, a picture was all I had left. Photographs brought me back to memories I had sometimes forgotten, reminded me of minor details that i missed the most. the sad face.. my favorite face. it had begun to fade from my memory... but that face was captured by the shutter and a snap and i am now forever able to pull that photo up to recall any and every detail. all the way down to the wrinkles in her feet to the rolls in her arms and legs. and leading to the sweet little curls that would so stubbornly peak out from behind her ears.
so for Christmas this year, J bought me a camera.. and i started to dabble a little.. first with J's cousins little babe, then another and another... and now--well now i think i have found that fork in the road to take. i think i have found where i can be to help another. i am able to capture moments, faces, timeless and priceless memories for families. i know all the things i miss of Savanna all the things i wish i did have captured that i don't. and through the eyes of my loss and my grief for my daughter I am able to capture these moments for others. I may not be the best or the most technically skilled... but I know what I miss and I know what a mother loves and I know what my heart feels. and in all this i feel closer to Savanna. She guides me and reminds me why I'm doing it. I am able to help someone, help someone remember the small moments. The special in-between moments. The moment when mom is nursing her sweet new baby and dad gazes so lovingly at his precious gems before him. i can capture this for a family to have forever. and so Because of her Photography has been born. And I am so excited and thrilled, inspired and ready to fulfill this journey and walk this path wherever it may lead.
Here is my facebook page if you would like to take a look :)
And here is my photography blog i have yet to add too much to this one yet.. but i will be working with Franchesca once again over at Small Bird Studios to do a blog and logo design and I CANNOT wait!!!
4. this is the last of the updates.. i promise not to keep you up too much longer.. :) Speaking of Franchesca... she recently posted on her blog about passing on Abiding Hope Collage A project she started in memory of her daughter Jenna. Franchesca has a kind heart and such a sweet and giving soul but realized it was time to pass the torch for this project.. I had fought all that day, prayed if this is something I should take on or not. So finally I emailed her, and what do ya know... :)
so i am incredibly excited and supremely humbled to have officially taken over this wonderful project. This project is a way to help baby loss families remember their sweet babes taken too soon through the use of words they associate with their little ones. It is a collage of these words, put together individually by me. If you would like more information, or would like to put a request in for your very own please visit our blog and/or facebook page for updates.
Abiding Hope Collage Blog
Abiding Hope Collage Facebook Page
I am so excited to see where this project will take me! Thank you Franchesca for your confidance and trust in me to carry on this very dear project!
~~~~~
Well that's it.. well that's enough I should say! Those are the most major of major things going on in my life right now. I feel in a better place for the most part. Not feeling so self absorbed. And I must say... it feels GOOD to blog again :)
 |
| Here's that face.. my favorite face.. next to her dazzling smile of course.. the sad face.. i miss it something terrible |
February 16, 2012
False Intentions
I was driving home from school and I suddenly felt a deep urgency to write. it was an urgency i haven't felt in quite some time. i suddenly felt drawn back to this very sacred very special spot that i call my own. a spot that i felt at one point was the only way i could reconnect with my daughter. in this need to be back to writing i began to dissect things. an after affect of going through therapy these last couple months. i have begun so much self reflection, sometimes wanted sometimes not but always needed. and so i started to think why it was i never have felt this urgency in so long.
when i began this blog it was with intentions to share the story of my daughter. it was to share her life, her death and what she meant to me and my world. it was a way to save her memory. i didn't know how long it would last, how long my memories would last. i was and still am so deathly afraid of forgetting things about her that i wanted to document as much as i could. i wanted 'followers' people to share in my despair, my desperation for meaning. i wanted others to hurt and cry with me, to somehow feel my pain. it only seemed fair right? if i was in such a deep and dark pit, lonely and with a gaping hole in my heart and empty arms.. then the world should feel the same. right? and so i started writing. never knowing what this place would bring or do for me in my life. i just wrote. and each day, my 'following' would grow. each day i would recieve comments and love and appreciation. lives that i had touched. lives savanna had touched. and in return i was inspired i was moving into a positive direction. and then... then i got sucked in, and it started to become only about that. 'you should write a book' 'you have such a way with words' all wonderful loving comments from so many of you. these things kept me going. but then, as i said before, it started to become about that. each day as my following grew i would get more and more eager to write something. maybe what i have to say will help someone? will touch someone's life? maybe it will make them appreciate their children more? and so i began to write for my following, i began to think more about what to say rather then just saying it.
it started to feel like a job. a situation i only created in my own mind. none of you being the cause of this false urgency i had templated in my mind. and so today as i drove home i began to think back to why i REALLY started this blog. was it really to get a following of people to share in my pain? was it really a means to tell Savanna's story? or was i just looking for sympathy, for a pity party without seeing the sad eyes. instead i would read the sad comments. and then as i sat driving down the main road immensed in my own self reflection it came to me.
i started this blog as a girl. a girl who at one time had it all. i was a girl born in california raised in kansas city/phoenix. i was girl who once though i would want to grow up get married and have children but never was i the girl who felt deserving of any it. i always felt like that was the life for someone else, someone who earned that happiness. and then one day i became the girl i always and only ever dreamed of. i met a man. a wonderful, loving, loyal, honest man. and he asked me to marry him. ME! of all the people, of all the women of all the girls.. me. i was his special someone. and so i thought.. well perhaps my fairytale could come true.. perhaps i was somehow deserving. in all my faults, in all my trials, in all my sin, in all my screwups, i was somehow worthy of this one man vowing to devote his life and love to me.
and then, we wanted a family. our own little family. could it be.. me? this girl? first month - no baby. second month - no baby... sixth month - no baby.. maybe i was wrong. maybe i wouldn't get it all. maybe i was only deserving of this small (very wonderful) piece of my wonderland. fast forward 7 months, 8 months, 9 months.. still nothing. no womb to be filled no baby cries to tend to. my nightmare was coming true. carry on to month 11, month 12...
4 AM on August 5, I peed.. fully expecting a negative test to stare back at me i was bemused and exhilerated by the most definitely positive test screaming back at me. could it be.. could this be it.. could my white picket fence dream truly be coming true? im 9 weeks pregnant... the midwife comes, pulls out a doppler, pours a gel on my tummy, wiggles the probe around.. what's that? sounds like galloping horses.. 'that's your baby's heart beat' it was a magical moment of realness. that was MY baby? but wait... i was the undeserving girl. how did i become this girl? the girl with the husband to love and to cherish and the teeny tiny heartbeat of a love bug growing inside? impossible.. fast forward.. sunday march 28, 2010 contractions start. 7 hours later a beautiful, innocent, loving, wonderous little being was plopped onto my stomach. a small cry of recognition sprang from this little persons lungs. it was real. and it was happening. and it was happening to me.
fast forward again. our lives are taking the path the lord had laid for us. we moved, j got a great opportunity and Savanna was growing like a weed. she was beginning to do new things each day. we were planning her entire life for her. we were planning our entire lives WITH her. fast forward.. november 12. i became undeserving. i became that girl i once thought i would be forever. i was the girl with a dead baby and no cause for why. i was empty. lost. confused. angry. anxious. deflated.
and then i needed an outlet. i needed something. the funeral passed. the last time i would physically ever see her face. the last time i would ever feel her hair or graze her sweet hands. the last time i laid my eyes on my most perfect prize. the best parts of me were gone. the best parts of my dreams were dead in a coffin encompassed in my 7.5 month old daughter. i needed something.. and so i turned to this place.
i started writing.. and as i drove home from school today i realized my original and real intentions. i wanted to belong to something. i wanted to feel a part of something. i wanted to know if i would ever feel like me again. would i ever be normal. i could no longer be a part of the mommy club. (yes i know i will always be a mother) i could no longer talk of the NEW things my child was doing, only the things she DID do. but sooner then later i would run out of those stories while the world around me still had a story to tell. and so i wanted to find a new 'club' a new belonging. i didn't feel deserving. and so i found somewhere i belonged. somewhere where i could try to figure me out again. that's why i started this. not to get 1000 followers or to see my daughters name as many different places as i could. it was to be a part of something again to feel like i belonged somewhere. i have been so lost for as long as i could remember. i got married and had a baby and started to feel a sense of belonging. then it was taken from, she was taken from me. ripped from arms and torn from heart. and yet here were others feeling my feelings, sensing my pain, feeling the same pain. i belonged again.
and thats where i need to go back to. thats what made this world, this blank white screen, this blinking cursor so sacred and so safe. it was my place for me that i belonged to. my private sector in my world of hurt and pain. sadness and sorrow.
and so now i have made a vow to myself. i write for me and only for me. my life started when i met my husband, it began when i felt the first kick of my daughter, existence happened when Savanna yelped her first cry, my world felt defeated when she died. these are the tales of that world getting turned upside down. and as long as i continue to remind myself these things, this place can become as sacred as it once was.
thank you to so many of you who have constantly shared your stories, your testimonies, your life experiences with me. your words, your encouragement and your love has gotten me through times that i never thought i would manage through. i wont make any promises anymore of how often i will or wont write. at the end of the day i cant write for you, i have to write for me. and i am ok with admitting that now. it gives me great comfort to know my story and Savanna's life have touched so many. but if i don't stay true to me and to what i feel my purpose is, then it won't be sincere. and that is something i will always promise to be in this space. i am sincere, i am real, i am raw. i am the girl who's daughter died. and i am the girl trying to learn to live in a world that keeps on living while part of me has died.
when i began this blog it was with intentions to share the story of my daughter. it was to share her life, her death and what she meant to me and my world. it was a way to save her memory. i didn't know how long it would last, how long my memories would last. i was and still am so deathly afraid of forgetting things about her that i wanted to document as much as i could. i wanted 'followers' people to share in my despair, my desperation for meaning. i wanted others to hurt and cry with me, to somehow feel my pain. it only seemed fair right? if i was in such a deep and dark pit, lonely and with a gaping hole in my heart and empty arms.. then the world should feel the same. right? and so i started writing. never knowing what this place would bring or do for me in my life. i just wrote. and each day, my 'following' would grow. each day i would recieve comments and love and appreciation. lives that i had touched. lives savanna had touched. and in return i was inspired i was moving into a positive direction. and then... then i got sucked in, and it started to become only about that. 'you should write a book' 'you have such a way with words' all wonderful loving comments from so many of you. these things kept me going. but then, as i said before, it started to become about that. each day as my following grew i would get more and more eager to write something. maybe what i have to say will help someone? will touch someone's life? maybe it will make them appreciate their children more? and so i began to write for my following, i began to think more about what to say rather then just saying it.
it started to feel like a job. a situation i only created in my own mind. none of you being the cause of this false urgency i had templated in my mind. and so today as i drove home i began to think back to why i REALLY started this blog. was it really to get a following of people to share in my pain? was it really a means to tell Savanna's story? or was i just looking for sympathy, for a pity party without seeing the sad eyes. instead i would read the sad comments. and then as i sat driving down the main road immensed in my own self reflection it came to me.
i started this blog as a girl. a girl who at one time had it all. i was a girl born in california raised in kansas city/phoenix. i was girl who once though i would want to grow up get married and have children but never was i the girl who felt deserving of any it. i always felt like that was the life for someone else, someone who earned that happiness. and then one day i became the girl i always and only ever dreamed of. i met a man. a wonderful, loving, loyal, honest man. and he asked me to marry him. ME! of all the people, of all the women of all the girls.. me. i was his special someone. and so i thought.. well perhaps my fairytale could come true.. perhaps i was somehow deserving. in all my faults, in all my trials, in all my sin, in all my screwups, i was somehow worthy of this one man vowing to devote his life and love to me.
and then, we wanted a family. our own little family. could it be.. me? this girl? first month - no baby. second month - no baby... sixth month - no baby.. maybe i was wrong. maybe i wouldn't get it all. maybe i was only deserving of this small (very wonderful) piece of my wonderland. fast forward 7 months, 8 months, 9 months.. still nothing. no womb to be filled no baby cries to tend to. my nightmare was coming true. carry on to month 11, month 12...
4 AM on August 5, I peed.. fully expecting a negative test to stare back at me i was bemused and exhilerated by the most definitely positive test screaming back at me. could it be.. could this be it.. could my white picket fence dream truly be coming true? im 9 weeks pregnant... the midwife comes, pulls out a doppler, pours a gel on my tummy, wiggles the probe around.. what's that? sounds like galloping horses.. 'that's your baby's heart beat' it was a magical moment of realness. that was MY baby? but wait... i was the undeserving girl. how did i become this girl? the girl with the husband to love and to cherish and the teeny tiny heartbeat of a love bug growing inside? impossible.. fast forward.. sunday march 28, 2010 contractions start. 7 hours later a beautiful, innocent, loving, wonderous little being was plopped onto my stomach. a small cry of recognition sprang from this little persons lungs. it was real. and it was happening. and it was happening to me.
fast forward again. our lives are taking the path the lord had laid for us. we moved, j got a great opportunity and Savanna was growing like a weed. she was beginning to do new things each day. we were planning her entire life for her. we were planning our entire lives WITH her. fast forward.. november 12. i became undeserving. i became that girl i once thought i would be forever. i was the girl with a dead baby and no cause for why. i was empty. lost. confused. angry. anxious. deflated.
and then i needed an outlet. i needed something. the funeral passed. the last time i would physically ever see her face. the last time i would ever feel her hair or graze her sweet hands. the last time i laid my eyes on my most perfect prize. the best parts of me were gone. the best parts of my dreams were dead in a coffin encompassed in my 7.5 month old daughter. i needed something.. and so i turned to this place.
i started writing.. and as i drove home from school today i realized my original and real intentions. i wanted to belong to something. i wanted to feel a part of something. i wanted to know if i would ever feel like me again. would i ever be normal. i could no longer be a part of the mommy club. (yes i know i will always be a mother) i could no longer talk of the NEW things my child was doing, only the things she DID do. but sooner then later i would run out of those stories while the world around me still had a story to tell. and so i wanted to find a new 'club' a new belonging. i didn't feel deserving. and so i found somewhere i belonged. somewhere where i could try to figure me out again. that's why i started this. not to get 1000 followers or to see my daughters name as many different places as i could. it was to be a part of something again to feel like i belonged somewhere. i have been so lost for as long as i could remember. i got married and had a baby and started to feel a sense of belonging. then it was taken from, she was taken from me. ripped from arms and torn from heart. and yet here were others feeling my feelings, sensing my pain, feeling the same pain. i belonged again.
and thats where i need to go back to. thats what made this world, this blank white screen, this blinking cursor so sacred and so safe. it was my place for me that i belonged to. my private sector in my world of hurt and pain. sadness and sorrow.
and so now i have made a vow to myself. i write for me and only for me. my life started when i met my husband, it began when i felt the first kick of my daughter, existence happened when Savanna yelped her first cry, my world felt defeated when she died. these are the tales of that world getting turned upside down. and as long as i continue to remind myself these things, this place can become as sacred as it once was.
thank you to so many of you who have constantly shared your stories, your testimonies, your life experiences with me. your words, your encouragement and your love has gotten me through times that i never thought i would manage through. i wont make any promises anymore of how often i will or wont write. at the end of the day i cant write for you, i have to write for me. and i am ok with admitting that now. it gives me great comfort to know my story and Savanna's life have touched so many. but if i don't stay true to me and to what i feel my purpose is, then it won't be sincere. and that is something i will always promise to be in this space. i am sincere, i am real, i am raw. i am the girl who's daughter died. and i am the girl trying to learn to live in a world that keeps on living while part of me has died.
August 1, 2011
So What's Happening...
Well.. once again I strayed away from my virtual sanctuary. For good reason though I promise... we are understaffed at work an therefore there are more hours to be filled by all others. What does this mean? Mucho overtime.. on top of the 60 hour work weeks I'm taking 2 online classes. Oh and raising a husband *wink* did I mention keeping the dog from eating the cats head? So yes.. at the end of the day--rather then study the nutritional values of this that or the other.. or solve for x,y or z I have decided to blog! So i'm just gonna give y'all an update on what's going on. And that same instant hopefully sort through the cluster of thoughts rummaging through my extremely flooded brain.. sooo bear (or bare?) with me...
PS prepare for long winded-ness run on sentences and crappy grammer.. there's much to tell.. and as always its raw and real and my reality
DREAMS
Lately I have been having a lot of dreams. Not just any dream though. Dreams about Savanna. Most would say.. well that's wonderful! But in one moment I love that I dream of her, and in the next I hate it. Or do I just hate that I have to wake up to the shitty reality? Hmm.. maybe a bit of both? Anywho, after she died I prayed and I prayed for a dream of her. I begged God to allow visions of her to come to my mind. I was having so much trouble at that time remembering all the good, instead I had the terror images of tubes and caskets and marker stones in my minds eye. (in afterthough I think He knew I wasn't quite ready to handle the dreams yet) I'm not sure how long it was before I finally had a dream about S, but it was always the same. She started off dead in my dream, then she would come back to life. It was a miracle, but in my dream it was some what of a norm. I remember that in each dream I would run to her, someone else would be holding her.. but it was like we were in one of the fun houses with the wacked out mirrors. Only this wasn't fun. She was always just out of reach. It was always different people, in different locations at different times of the day. She was always wearing the ducky pj's we buried her in.. so I'm guessing this was subconscience bringing to the forefront of my mind my reality. She would always be as close to my heart as could be, but never in arms length any longer.
Eventually those dreams stopped. Part of me was grateful.. waking up with the voided bleeding hole became emotionally draining. that same feeling of knowing she was so close but out of reach brought back the moments of when I first saw her laying in her casket. Her casing, but not her.
Fast forward to several months later. These last couple weeks Savanna has sparkled her way back into my dreams. but this time much differently. Again she starts out gone in the dreams, but somehow a miracle happens and she's alive. In one of the dreams I think out loud.. I wonder if she remembers me. And in the same moment those thoughts dribbled through my mind I look down at the dining room floor and there she is. Sitting there playing in the dirt from the plant.. (go figure.. it's totally how she was!) I called her name, fingers crossed, breath held, body filled with tension hoping she would remember who I was.. she looks up at me and I see those beautiful blue eyes, and slowly her lips spread into a wide and toothless grin. The recollection and connection that only a mother and their child can share. I was able to scoop her up and I remember just holding her so tightly. Kissing her all over her little face trying to remember all her little details and then in my dream I realize I'm only in a dream. So I squeeze her longer and as hard as I could and then I wake up. This dream has happened several times.. sometimes she's in her crib, sometimes on the floor, sometimes in her bouncer. But always she will smile at me, I will scoop her up.. and then BAM the realization that it's only a dream.
I'm not sure if it means anything or if my subcon is just pulling forth what I've wanted it to for so long. And now that I have it.. I'm not sure I want it anymore. I wak up feeling empty and sad. Just wishing for one more moment with her. Wishing I could wake up and walk into her room and see her curled up in her bed. For now, I guess, I will take it for what it is.. I will ry to cherish these moments.. even if they're just imaginary.. for now that's all I got.
PACKING IT UP
Savanna's stuff. Her clothes. Her bibs. Her shoes. Blankets. Burp cloths. Diapers. Wipes. Toys. Bouncer. Boppy. Bumbo. Diaper bag. Hats.. etc. etc. et-freaking-cetera. It's all been piled up in her room since the day she died. The Friday that she passed, I asked one of my friends to come to the house and put all her stuff in her room. I couldn't bare to look at it. The thought of just coming into the house without her was painful enough. I didn't think I could look at the high chair she just sat in and ate breakfast a mere 10 hours earlier. Or the Pack N Play she peacefully napped in the day before as she spent a day off with daddy. The blankets sprawled on the floor she first learned to roll and crawl. The thought of that.. seeing that.. remembering those memories but only having a purple box and not her with us? It just didn't seem bearable.
Then her room just started to become a storage. As we collected things from her funeral.. they floated their way into her room. I hardly ever went in there unless I absolutely had to. And sure it killed me to walk in there knowing she wasn't there, but more then anything I wanted to savor her smell. It was the only plausible thing I could physically 'grab' onto besides a picture. It was a way I could still feel like she somehow lived on. It was also a reminder through those trecherous waters that she was real. It took me 3 months before I even took the dirty diapers out of the diaper genie. Call me weird or gross.. but anything that made me remember she was real, I kept. All her bears and stuffed animals, bows and ribbons from her funeral and memorial service were all tucked away into her room. Dirty clothes still in the hamper, bows hanging on the walls, her indention from her head still on the pillow. Besides the things added to the room, nothing had been changed. The last sheets and blanket she slept on still tucked away at the crib. The baby monitor still in its place. Clothes hung in the closet, clothes still in the dresser, diapers still in their specific spot. All where it should be. Everything where it was supposed to be had she still been here. Only she isn't here.
We hope to continue to grow our family again one day. And in order for me, myself and I to feel like I could really grasp the concept of possibly having another child one day.. I felt that I had to pack up. It was something that had been nagging at me, heavy on my heart. A piece of the puzzle that needed to be sealed. There is no time frame, no right or wrong way to do it. But for me in my personal journey I felt like this is what I needed to do to try and somehow continue to move forward. To somehow maybe slow the quaking ground a little more and possibly shy the shadows even further into their darkness so that the light may be able to shine just a tad bit brighter.
So I went to Wal-mart and bought pink storage bins. I saw them and immediately thought they were very fitting. My very best friend T came over to assist me. I knew I couldn't do it alone, J was at work. I wasn't sure what to expect or how I was going to react. I imagined myself curling up into a very small ball holding all of her things and bawling. Only that didn't happen. Instead.. as we went through the clothes that she had grew out of, I was able to share memories. As I pulled out her little shoes and hats, happy times came to mind. I pulled out the hat that she wore the day she died, and instead of picturing her lifeless in the ER room, I was able to picture her that morning with her sweet smile. And as i pulled all of the things off of her crib and finally took the blanket and sheet off a wonderful and glorious thing happened. The room that had started to fade of her smell.. had an instantaneous blast. It was as if all the things sitting atop the covers had held in her scent. T and I both looked at each other and just smiled. I knew this was her, cheering me on and supporting me. Letting me know it was OK to move forward. It doesn't mean I'm moving on without her. Even in the smallest of movements, the teensiest of an action she is somewhere nearby. It will never be in the way I desire or want, but I'll take what I can get. So we finished packing her things up, I placed it all in the closet. And closed the door. I dusted off the empty dresser, ran my finger through the spokes of the empty crib, and took down the pillow off the vacant diaper changer. With eyes filled with tears, a heart breaking once again, I was somehow filled with hope.
I had made it this far. And I will keep on going. Because I've said it before and I'll say it again... she is SO worth it.
PS prepare for long winded-ness run on sentences and crappy grammer.. there's much to tell.. and as always its raw and real and my reality
DREAMS
Lately I have been having a lot of dreams. Not just any dream though. Dreams about Savanna. Most would say.. well that's wonderful! But in one moment I love that I dream of her, and in the next I hate it. Or do I just hate that I have to wake up to the shitty reality? Hmm.. maybe a bit of both? Anywho, after she died I prayed and I prayed for a dream of her. I begged God to allow visions of her to come to my mind. I was having so much trouble at that time remembering all the good, instead I had the terror images of tubes and caskets and marker stones in my minds eye. (in afterthough I think He knew I wasn't quite ready to handle the dreams yet) I'm not sure how long it was before I finally had a dream about S, but it was always the same. She started off dead in my dream, then she would come back to life. It was a miracle, but in my dream it was some what of a norm. I remember that in each dream I would run to her, someone else would be holding her.. but it was like we were in one of the fun houses with the wacked out mirrors. Only this wasn't fun. She was always just out of reach. It was always different people, in different locations at different times of the day. She was always wearing the ducky pj's we buried her in.. so I'm guessing this was subconscience bringing to the forefront of my mind my reality. She would always be as close to my heart as could be, but never in arms length any longer.
Eventually those dreams stopped. Part of me was grateful.. waking up with the voided bleeding hole became emotionally draining. that same feeling of knowing she was so close but out of reach brought back the moments of when I first saw her laying in her casket. Her casing, but not her.
Fast forward to several months later. These last couple weeks Savanna has sparkled her way back into my dreams. but this time much differently. Again she starts out gone in the dreams, but somehow a miracle happens and she's alive. In one of the dreams I think out loud.. I wonder if she remembers me. And in the same moment those thoughts dribbled through my mind I look down at the dining room floor and there she is. Sitting there playing in the dirt from the plant.. (go figure.. it's totally how she was!) I called her name, fingers crossed, breath held, body filled with tension hoping she would remember who I was.. she looks up at me and I see those beautiful blue eyes, and slowly her lips spread into a wide and toothless grin. The recollection and connection that only a mother and their child can share. I was able to scoop her up and I remember just holding her so tightly. Kissing her all over her little face trying to remember all her little details and then in my dream I realize I'm only in a dream. So I squeeze her longer and as hard as I could and then I wake up. This dream has happened several times.. sometimes she's in her crib, sometimes on the floor, sometimes in her bouncer. But always she will smile at me, I will scoop her up.. and then BAM the realization that it's only a dream.
I'm not sure if it means anything or if my subcon is just pulling forth what I've wanted it to for so long. And now that I have it.. I'm not sure I want it anymore. I wak up feeling empty and sad. Just wishing for one more moment with her. Wishing I could wake up and walk into her room and see her curled up in her bed. For now, I guess, I will take it for what it is.. I will ry to cherish these moments.. even if they're just imaginary.. for now that's all I got.
PACKING IT UP
Savanna's stuff. Her clothes. Her bibs. Her shoes. Blankets. Burp cloths. Diapers. Wipes. Toys. Bouncer. Boppy. Bumbo. Diaper bag. Hats.. etc. etc. et-freaking-cetera. It's all been piled up in her room since the day she died. The Friday that she passed, I asked one of my friends to come to the house and put all her stuff in her room. I couldn't bare to look at it. The thought of just coming into the house without her was painful enough. I didn't think I could look at the high chair she just sat in and ate breakfast a mere 10 hours earlier. Or the Pack N Play she peacefully napped in the day before as she spent a day off with daddy. The blankets sprawled on the floor she first learned to roll and crawl. The thought of that.. seeing that.. remembering those memories but only having a purple box and not her with us? It just didn't seem bearable.
Then her room just started to become a storage. As we collected things from her funeral.. they floated their way into her room. I hardly ever went in there unless I absolutely had to. And sure it killed me to walk in there knowing she wasn't there, but more then anything I wanted to savor her smell. It was the only plausible thing I could physically 'grab' onto besides a picture. It was a way I could still feel like she somehow lived on. It was also a reminder through those trecherous waters that she was real. It took me 3 months before I even took the dirty diapers out of the diaper genie. Call me weird or gross.. but anything that made me remember she was real, I kept. All her bears and stuffed animals, bows and ribbons from her funeral and memorial service were all tucked away into her room. Dirty clothes still in the hamper, bows hanging on the walls, her indention from her head still on the pillow. Besides the things added to the room, nothing had been changed. The last sheets and blanket she slept on still tucked away at the crib. The baby monitor still in its place. Clothes hung in the closet, clothes still in the dresser, diapers still in their specific spot. All where it should be. Everything where it was supposed to be had she still been here. Only she isn't here.
We hope to continue to grow our family again one day. And in order for me, myself and I to feel like I could really grasp the concept of possibly having another child one day.. I felt that I had to pack up. It was something that had been nagging at me, heavy on my heart. A piece of the puzzle that needed to be sealed. There is no time frame, no right or wrong way to do it. But for me in my personal journey I felt like this is what I needed to do to try and somehow continue to move forward. To somehow maybe slow the quaking ground a little more and possibly shy the shadows even further into their darkness so that the light may be able to shine just a tad bit brighter.
So I went to Wal-mart and bought pink storage bins. I saw them and immediately thought they were very fitting. My very best friend T came over to assist me. I knew I couldn't do it alone, J was at work. I wasn't sure what to expect or how I was going to react. I imagined myself curling up into a very small ball holding all of her things and bawling. Only that didn't happen. Instead.. as we went through the clothes that she had grew out of, I was able to share memories. As I pulled out her little shoes and hats, happy times came to mind. I pulled out the hat that she wore the day she died, and instead of picturing her lifeless in the ER room, I was able to picture her that morning with her sweet smile. And as i pulled all of the things off of her crib and finally took the blanket and sheet off a wonderful and glorious thing happened. The room that had started to fade of her smell.. had an instantaneous blast. It was as if all the things sitting atop the covers had held in her scent. T and I both looked at each other and just smiled. I knew this was her, cheering me on and supporting me. Letting me know it was OK to move forward. It doesn't mean I'm moving on without her. Even in the smallest of movements, the teensiest of an action she is somewhere nearby. It will never be in the way I desire or want, but I'll take what I can get. So we finished packing her things up, I placed it all in the closet. And closed the door. I dusted off the empty dresser, ran my finger through the spokes of the empty crib, and took down the pillow off the vacant diaper changer. With eyes filled with tears, a heart breaking once again, I was somehow filled with hope.
I had made it this far. And I will keep on going. Because I've said it before and I'll say it again... she is SO worth it.
March 31, 2011
New job and update
I got a new job. Pretty exciting stuff! I will be a tech for a dialysis center. And what's better is they pay for nursing school--100%!!!! J was pretty excited when I told him about that.. I think his pocket book took a sigh of relief.. But with getting a new job, it means I had an old one. Which means I had to leave one. This job was the last place I thought I would ever be. When we moved to TX I was a stay at home mom. I had the intent of eventually going back to work, but was enjoying my time at home with little bit. And then a month passed and I felt like i was ready to go back to work. As much as I enjoyed every minute with her, I was going stir crazy. We were in a new town, and only knew one other couple. I needed some outside stimulation. and there is only so much to do in this town before it comes extremely repetitive. So... i went looking. I never had a hard time finding a job.. at least not in a big city like Phx. But out here--it was rather difficult. After 3 interviews and 3 NO call backs, I was getting discouraged. So I decided to try out a temp agency.. I had a job within a month!
It would be at a title company as an escrow assistant. huh?? I know! That's what I thought when they told me. Sure I had bought house before.. but never did I know what a title company did. Well I found out! There was much more involved in the purchase of a home then my little brain could wrap it's head around! I was learning a great deal about the real estate business. It was interesting, and each file was different. Not to mention, the people I worked with are absolutely wonderful. Always patient, never judging, and would ask the same question I asked over and over. To top it off, they are a christian based office, took prayer requests at every Monday meeting and played Christian music in the office. I loved it! It was the perfect place, but it wasn't the perfect career. It's not what I ultimately wanted to do with my life. I want to be a nurse. I'm about halfway there to apply for nursing school -- i took the long way. (after many detours and LOTS of life lessons, i finally got my act together!)
After being with the title company for a couple months (as a temp) I received a possible employment opportunity at a dialysis center. J looked into it a little, but it didn't sound condusive with our schedule. Crazy hours, overtime--I was still a new mommy. And although I was a temp, there was word going round that they would be offering me a full time position. So I never persued it further. Then a couple months later... Savanna passed away. The title company was wonderful. Although i was not technically a 'full time' employee.. they gave me all the time I needed. They prayed for me, prayed with me. Sent flowers, offered to cook meals for us. My boss even came to the hospital the night that it all happened. Between the funeral and the memorial service I was out of work for 3 weeks. J had to go back to work, so I decided it would be better I work then stay at home. So I went back. They were absolutely wonderful around me. There was no walking on egg shells. I was able to talk about Savanna as I needed, cried as I needed. There was never any pressure to 'pretend.' I could run to the back to cry if I needed and no one ever judged me. They had all met Savanna before, and naturally I had always talked about her and brought pictures. So, I'm fairly certain they all loved her too.
But honestly, have you seen her pictures?? it's so hard to NOT fall in love with that face!! (maybe I'm biased??!) So they all cried with me some days and talked me through some very difficult moments. Well that job opportunity? Ya, second time--it pops up. How could I possibly leave this place and these people? They have been incredibly compassionate with me. So patient.. Some days I would trail in a little late due to rough mornings.. but there they were with open arms supporting me as best they knew how. They never made me feel like I had to 'move on' or hurry up and grieve. So, I didn't dive any further into the other job. How could I leave them? They had done so much for me.
Then a couple months after that ( about a month ago) I received an email. An email asking me if I would be interested in this position. Well, this was the third time... 1-2--3! So I said, 'Ok Lord, I get it. I'll look into it. If this is the path I am to take open the door, if it's not close it." It seemed the opportunity had knocked a few times now, clearly He was telling me to answer it! So, I agreed to an interview to see what it was about. I had a list of questions and was ready to go. And, well, the answers they had were more then satisfactory. Refer back to the first sentence.. yes that's right . 100% reimburse for nursing school.. that's over $8000 that will NOT come out of our pocket! Sure the hours are a little crazy.. but we can manage. I will get submerged into the field I want to be, and will be doing something fulfilling a path I feel has been paved for me.
So today I said goodbye to my old job and opened the door to my new one. But it seems now, as I reflect on it all.. I have said goodbye to more then just a job and people. I have said goodbye to part of my past. I have said goodbye to the memories of the call. Afterall, that is where I was when i found the news. It was that parking lot I ran through to get to my car. It was that parking lot I sped out of as I prayed my daughter was OK. That was the place I walked into everyday, looking at that spot, that phone and remembering what happened in that moment on that day. I'm saying goodbye to all of that and leaving it behind.
It's funny, that job. It came when it was supposed to. It served it's purpose in my life and now it's time to move forward. Kind of like Savanna. She served her earthly purpose, and it was time for her to move forward. Savanna died, and so did my need to be at that place. I could no longer look at it from the perspective of all the things they have done for me. At this point, I have to do what is right for J and I. I have to think about our family now and what is important to us. This will place me on a path to complete and carry on my journey. I will have ample opportunities to spread Savanna's story and share her legacy. it's the next part of my journey. I didn't listen at first, but I don't think I was meant to. I was made to listen in the time I was supposed to. And now, I take this new opportunity, this new experience, this 'fresh start' so to speak with arms wide and heart open.
I'm scared as hell. And I anticipate those awkward moments of the 'do you have any kids' questions. But I'm ready for it. As God as my strength, I will make it. and imagine, imagine all the lives Savanna can touch now.
*******
I wanted to give an update on our SFS campaign. For those that still would like to order a shirt to wear on April 29th (the profits from the shirts will be donated) tomorrow is the last day to make your order! We will continue to accept donations until April 29th!! Please email me if you have any questions!
As of now, I am so excited to share with you our progress thus far.
Remember that our goal was 30 shirts?? Well, we are at 43! Count them, 43!! Not only did we get 43 shirt orders, but people in 12 different states will be wearing a shirt with my baby girl's name on it! But it gets better.. We have received donations fro 38 stickers! We are only 62 away from our goal of 100 stickers! To receive a sticker/donation card you must donate a minimum of $5
Here is the doozy.. so far we have received $1260.00 in donations!! And we still have 29 days left!!! I am so excited to see all the people that have put in an effort to help us try to find an answer! I am in hopes that one day no parent will have to hear the word SIDS. Thank you to all who have participated so far and continue to spread our message and goal! Don't forget about the giveaway we are doing! You can read more about it here
It would be at a title company as an escrow assistant. huh?? I know! That's what I thought when they told me. Sure I had bought house before.. but never did I know what a title company did. Well I found out! There was much more involved in the purchase of a home then my little brain could wrap it's head around! I was learning a great deal about the real estate business. It was interesting, and each file was different. Not to mention, the people I worked with are absolutely wonderful. Always patient, never judging, and would ask the same question I asked over and over. To top it off, they are a christian based office, took prayer requests at every Monday meeting and played Christian music in the office. I loved it! It was the perfect place, but it wasn't the perfect career. It's not what I ultimately wanted to do with my life. I want to be a nurse. I'm about halfway there to apply for nursing school -- i took the long way. (after many detours and LOTS of life lessons, i finally got my act together!)
After being with the title company for a couple months (as a temp) I received a possible employment opportunity at a dialysis center. J looked into it a little, but it didn't sound condusive with our schedule. Crazy hours, overtime--I was still a new mommy. And although I was a temp, there was word going round that they would be offering me a full time position. So I never persued it further. Then a couple months later... Savanna passed away. The title company was wonderful. Although i was not technically a 'full time' employee.. they gave me all the time I needed. They prayed for me, prayed with me. Sent flowers, offered to cook meals for us. My boss even came to the hospital the night that it all happened. Between the funeral and the memorial service I was out of work for 3 weeks. J had to go back to work, so I decided it would be better I work then stay at home. So I went back. They were absolutely wonderful around me. There was no walking on egg shells. I was able to talk about Savanna as I needed, cried as I needed. There was never any pressure to 'pretend.' I could run to the back to cry if I needed and no one ever judged me. They had all met Savanna before, and naturally I had always talked about her and brought pictures. So, I'm fairly certain they all loved her too.
But honestly, have you seen her pictures?? it's so hard to NOT fall in love with that face!! (maybe I'm biased??!) So they all cried with me some days and talked me through some very difficult moments. Well that job opportunity? Ya, second time--it pops up. How could I possibly leave this place and these people? They have been incredibly compassionate with me. So patient.. Some days I would trail in a little late due to rough mornings.. but there they were with open arms supporting me as best they knew how. They never made me feel like I had to 'move on' or hurry up and grieve. So, I didn't dive any further into the other job. How could I leave them? They had done so much for me.
Then a couple months after that ( about a month ago) I received an email. An email asking me if I would be interested in this position. Well, this was the third time... 1-2--3! So I said, 'Ok Lord, I get it. I'll look into it. If this is the path I am to take open the door, if it's not close it." It seemed the opportunity had knocked a few times now, clearly He was telling me to answer it! So, I agreed to an interview to see what it was about. I had a list of questions and was ready to go. And, well, the answers they had were more then satisfactory. Refer back to the first sentence.. yes that's right . 100% reimburse for nursing school.. that's over $8000 that will NOT come out of our pocket! Sure the hours are a little crazy.. but we can manage. I will get submerged into the field I want to be, and will be doing something fulfilling a path I feel has been paved for me.
So today I said goodbye to my old job and opened the door to my new one. But it seems now, as I reflect on it all.. I have said goodbye to more then just a job and people. I have said goodbye to part of my past. I have said goodbye to the memories of the call. Afterall, that is where I was when i found the news. It was that parking lot I ran through to get to my car. It was that parking lot I sped out of as I prayed my daughter was OK. That was the place I walked into everyday, looking at that spot, that phone and remembering what happened in that moment on that day. I'm saying goodbye to all of that and leaving it behind.
It's funny, that job. It came when it was supposed to. It served it's purpose in my life and now it's time to move forward. Kind of like Savanna. She served her earthly purpose, and it was time for her to move forward. Savanna died, and so did my need to be at that place. I could no longer look at it from the perspective of all the things they have done for me. At this point, I have to do what is right for J and I. I have to think about our family now and what is important to us. This will place me on a path to complete and carry on my journey. I will have ample opportunities to spread Savanna's story and share her legacy. it's the next part of my journey. I didn't listen at first, but I don't think I was meant to. I was made to listen in the time I was supposed to. And now, I take this new opportunity, this new experience, this 'fresh start' so to speak with arms wide and heart open.
I'm scared as hell. And I anticipate those awkward moments of the 'do you have any kids' questions. But I'm ready for it. As God as my strength, I will make it. and imagine, imagine all the lives Savanna can touch now.
*******
I wanted to give an update on our SFS campaign. For those that still would like to order a shirt to wear on April 29th (the profits from the shirts will be donated) tomorrow is the last day to make your order! We will continue to accept donations until April 29th!! Please email me if you have any questions!
As of now, I am so excited to share with you our progress thus far.
Remember that our goal was 30 shirts?? Well, we are at 43! Count them, 43!! Not only did we get 43 shirt orders, but people in 12 different states will be wearing a shirt with my baby girl's name on it! But it gets better.. We have received donations fro 38 stickers! We are only 62 away from our goal of 100 stickers! To receive a sticker/donation card you must donate a minimum of $5
Here is the doozy.. so far we have received $1260.00 in donations!! And we still have 29 days left!!! I am so excited to see all the people that have put in an effort to help us try to find an answer! I am in hopes that one day no parent will have to hear the word SIDS. Thank you to all who have participated so far and continue to spread our message and goal! Don't forget about the giveaway we are doing! You can read more about it here
March 23, 2011
An update.. and a Request
There has been a lot going on lately. Trying to get our Spring for SIDS fundraising organized, getting ready for Savanna's first Birthday in Heaven, and just dealing with everyday life as it jumps into my face.
I have found a new love for scrap booking and crafts. I mean, I have always enjoyed doing it.. but now, now it's becoming a new found passion. It calms me and excites me all in one. I guess mostly because I can live in that moment and direct my attention to something else, something pretty, something with some self gratification. There's no dead daughter, no sadness, no grief, no negativity.. just me and my creations. Funny how something as silly as cutting and pasting, rhinestoning and sewing can ease your mind. After a few discussions, J has given me the spare room. :) This was to be deemed his 'man cave' but he gets the garage AND the shed.. It's only fair I get the little spare room! So over the next few months I will be getting rid of the current furniture and purchasing new furniture, shelving, and desk. I'm pretty excited.. it's something to center my attention on. As the days go forward and I feel like my grief is at a stand still, I need to stay busy. Any moment of sitting feeling unproductive leaves opportunity for satan to pick at my vulnerability. That's my side project that I have taken a liking to.
I also wanted to update everyone on how we're doing with our SFS (spring for sids) fundraising. So far we have received 23 shirt orders! That's 7 away from our goal!! It is absolutely heart warming and unbelievable all of the support and blessings we have received. Complete strangers have donated and I couldn't be any more humbled. I also got word that there was a $50 donation made yesterday and a $20 one done today. I am absolutely thrilled.
There is only 9 days left to make a shirt order. We will be ordering them on April 1st to ensure they get here on time for us to ship out to you by the 29th. To see what the shirts look like and get more information click here. For this next week, I have also decided to do a donation give-away! For every t-shirt donation you make you will get entered into the drawing for this!
It's the Willow Tree Angel of Hope. This angel signifies so much more then I could even express. It is for hope of a better tomorrow. Hope that one day, no parent will have to hear the word SIDS. Hope that one day, all the broken hearted, empty armed mamas and daddy's will somehow be mended. Hope that people will open their eyes and be so very grateful for what they have in front of them. A hope that I will be re-united with MY angel one day. For each t-shirt you order, I will assign you a number and using random.org I will choose the winner. (yes this includes all of you who have already made a donation!) I will announce the winner on April 12--Savanna's 5 month Angelversary. I am HOPEful that doing something for someone else, will make that day somehow more bearablle and bring a little light into the day. This donation give-away will end on midnight of April 11th. (I know the orders will be closed the 1st, but if you make at least a $20 donation, we will enter your name!)
I have also decided to do a dollar to donate give-away. For every dollar you donate, you will get entered into a drawing for one of these.
It is the pregnancy and infant loss awareness colors with a little charm with footprints. The was made out of para cord by my beautiful friend Megan. You can find her facebook page here. She is a blog reader and sent me one of these and I knew I wanted to give one away as well. I wear mine everyday and feel naked without it! This giveaway starts from today until April 20th. The winner will be chosen and sent out immediately so you can have it by the 29th!
******
Lastly, I have a short story to share, and a special request to make. It's not often that we meet people that make such an impact on our lives that it forces us to proofread our own lives. People that touch our hearts and make us better just by being a part of your life. I have grown close to many women in this very heartbroken community. So many survivors and courageous women. Women, who even in their darkest days, will reach out to you and help you see the light. Kandice is that person for me. On March 24, 2010 the Lord needed her little angel Kamryn Jaymes back. Kandice contacted me the day after Savanna died.. and she reached out to me. Over time, she became someone I have come to lean on in my darkest times, and who- I hope- I have been a leaning post for her. We have come to care so much for one another. She is one of those people I feel as if I have known my whole life. We have only met in real life once, and known each other for 4.5 short months. But there is no time with her.. I truly consider her one of my very best friends and sister. Her faith is strong and has taught me so much of who I am. She has her weak moments, her times of darkness, but always finds her refuge in the Lord. I will receive a text, a message, a scripture verse or quote.. always at the right moment. We both believe our girls are BFF's in Heaven! After all.. we both share the ladybug as our signs from our girls.
Those who are aware of your dates will note that tomorrow is March 24. Tomorrow, will mark the one year Angel-versary of sweet Kamryn joining the Lord's side in Heaven. It also signifies the day that changed my dear friend's life forever. And though I know this month, this week has been so surreal, so painful, so numbing, and shocking for her, she has still managed to find some ounce of energy she has to comfort me as I prepare for Savanna's birthday. So I ask you this.. as a mother to another mother, as a baby loss mama to another, as a child of Christ to another, as a person to another person... I encourage you to help my very best friend Kandice and her family remember Kamryn. Honor Kamryn.. The family has asked that everyone wear pink in honor of their sweet little angel. Take pictures if you can so they can add them to her scrap book. (you can email pictures to me if you like if you do not know Kandice personally and I will ensure they get to her) Wear your pink and remember the little angel that blessed this family and is changing the world. Because of Kamryn and because of Savanna.. they have maneuvered the clouds and blended Kandice's path with mine. Although I hate this is how we had to come to meet, I'm so grateful to have her in my life. So wear your pink tomorrow, say a prayer and lift this family up.. And the next time you see a ladybug, think not only of Savanna--but sweet Savanna and precious Kamryn bouncing through the clouds hand in hand.
I have found a new love for scrap booking and crafts. I mean, I have always enjoyed doing it.. but now, now it's becoming a new found passion. It calms me and excites me all in one. I guess mostly because I can live in that moment and direct my attention to something else, something pretty, something with some self gratification. There's no dead daughter, no sadness, no grief, no negativity.. just me and my creations. Funny how something as silly as cutting and pasting, rhinestoning and sewing can ease your mind. After a few discussions, J has given me the spare room. :) This was to be deemed his 'man cave' but he gets the garage AND the shed.. It's only fair I get the little spare room! So over the next few months I will be getting rid of the current furniture and purchasing new furniture, shelving, and desk. I'm pretty excited.. it's something to center my attention on. As the days go forward and I feel like my grief is at a stand still, I need to stay busy. Any moment of sitting feeling unproductive leaves opportunity for satan to pick at my vulnerability. That's my side project that I have taken a liking to.
I also wanted to update everyone on how we're doing with our SFS (spring for sids) fundraising. So far we have received 23 shirt orders! That's 7 away from our goal!! It is absolutely heart warming and unbelievable all of the support and blessings we have received. Complete strangers have donated and I couldn't be any more humbled. I also got word that there was a $50 donation made yesterday and a $20 one done today. I am absolutely thrilled.
There is only 9 days left to make a shirt order. We will be ordering them on April 1st to ensure they get here on time for us to ship out to you by the 29th. To see what the shirts look like and get more information click here. For this next week, I have also decided to do a donation give-away! For every t-shirt donation you make you will get entered into the drawing for this!
I have also decided to do a dollar to donate give-away. For every dollar you donate, you will get entered into a drawing for one of these.
******
Lastly, I have a short story to share, and a special request to make. It's not often that we meet people that make such an impact on our lives that it forces us to proofread our own lives. People that touch our hearts and make us better just by being a part of your life. I have grown close to many women in this very heartbroken community. So many survivors and courageous women. Women, who even in their darkest days, will reach out to you and help you see the light. Kandice is that person for me. On March 24, 2010 the Lord needed her little angel Kamryn Jaymes back. Kandice contacted me the day after Savanna died.. and she reached out to me. Over time, she became someone I have come to lean on in my darkest times, and who- I hope- I have been a leaning post for her. We have come to care so much for one another. She is one of those people I feel as if I have known my whole life. We have only met in real life once, and known each other for 4.5 short months. But there is no time with her.. I truly consider her one of my very best friends and sister. Her faith is strong and has taught me so much of who I am. She has her weak moments, her times of darkness, but always finds her refuge in the Lord. I will receive a text, a message, a scripture verse or quote.. always at the right moment. We both believe our girls are BFF's in Heaven! After all.. we both share the ladybug as our signs from our girls.
Those who are aware of your dates will note that tomorrow is March 24. Tomorrow, will mark the one year Angel-versary of sweet Kamryn joining the Lord's side in Heaven. It also signifies the day that changed my dear friend's life forever. And though I know this month, this week has been so surreal, so painful, so numbing, and shocking for her, she has still managed to find some ounce of energy she has to comfort me as I prepare for Savanna's birthday. So I ask you this.. as a mother to another mother, as a baby loss mama to another, as a child of Christ to another, as a person to another person... I encourage you to help my very best friend Kandice and her family remember Kamryn. Honor Kamryn.. The family has asked that everyone wear pink in honor of their sweet little angel. Take pictures if you can so they can add them to her scrap book. (you can email pictures to me if you like if you do not know Kandice personally and I will ensure they get to her) Wear your pink and remember the little angel that blessed this family and is changing the world. Because of Kamryn and because of Savanna.. they have maneuvered the clouds and blended Kandice's path with mine. Although I hate this is how we had to come to meet, I'm so grateful to have her in my life. So wear your pink tomorrow, say a prayer and lift this family up.. And the next time you see a ladybug, think not only of Savanna--but sweet Savanna and precious Kamryn bouncing through the clouds hand in hand.
 |
| Kamryn Jaymes December 22, 2009 - March 24, 2010 |
February 24, 2011
Social Butterfly
First, we are trying to come up with our name for Savanna's projects (check out the poll right ----> there). Many have already voted, and it's pretty clear so far the favorite! There's still a week left to vote... I can't promise the winner will be the one, but it will give us an idea of which one is most inspiring and fitting to our purposes. :) Thanks to everyone who has voted so far!
************
As an update on Shrimp... she woke us up last night scratching again.. May let her in there again. I have to go in her room in phases.. I'm fearful that the more I open and close the door, the less I will be able to smell her sweet smell.
************
And now just something that's been bothering me. Another one of those things that just kind of makes me feel like I'm going crazy.. or over-thinking. I tend to do that... think things up and concoct whole scenarios in my mind only to find they are just that--concoctions. But maybe I'm not.. who knows??
Growing up, I always tried to get along with everyone. I have always been a people pleaser and always wanted to make sure everyone was happy, even if it was at the expense of making myself feel uncomfortable or sacrificing my own happiness. I was always in search of acceptance from everyone.. family, friend, complete strangers--EVERYONE. I hated confrontations and couldn't stand the thought of someone mad at me. Being this person got me in precarious predicaments and not always did they have the best outcomes for myself. But in the end, as long as everyone else was happy.. than I could manage. Well because of this person that i was, in school I got along with everyone. I had friends from all social groupings.. I wasn't perfect and I'm sure I had my share of bitch moments--but for the most part I would like to think that I tried to get along with everyone.
I had few enemies, many acquaintances, a handful of friends, and a small group of 'besties.' As I got older, and more comfortable with me, and less worried about others.. it became even easier to make friends. I could talk to anyone, make conversations with complete strangers. Than Savanna was born and I could talk to people in the mall passing by and as my confidence in myself grew, the better and more successful my relationships became. She made me proud.. It never failed, when we went to the store, we would always get stopped by at least one person. All admiring her cute little curls and sweet contagious smile, her brilliant blue eyes and sweet perfection. I was proud to call her mine, and wanted to brag to the world. Having a daughter also brought me into a new 'category.' The mommy category. I had something else in common with people, I could see future play dates and mommy shopping days in my future.
And than Savanna died. And my existence as I had known it seemed to shrivel up and die. A part of my confidence, a part of who I had become, this better new me, became a distant thought. I curled up inside of myself and got lost in the darkness. This person that I had become, the more confidant, emotionally healthy, smart, loved Tabatha vanished with Savanna's last breath and beat of her heart. The color faded from eyes and dark greys and blacks were all I could see. Friends have tried to get me to go out, meet new people. In all reality it would probably be good for me, therapeutic even. But than I think about the anticipation of that question. You know the question..
And now I have become the debbie downer of the party with the dead daughter. FANTASTIC! Oh, and forget about mentioning her name when they talk about their kids. Her name is mentioned and the tension begins to thicken and almost becomes suffocating. I'm not afraid to say her name, or talk about her.. but others are afraid to listen or hear it. It's like I want people to know, but than I don't. Because all they remember is that she died and not that she lived. She lived for 7 1/2 beautiful months. Months that gave me a new kind of breath, a life that I was proud of. A pure joy in my heart and a healing that can never be described. Those 7 1/2 months gave me memories, laughter, smiles. That little life in 7 1/2 months gave me unconditional love. How can I hide that? How can I make them understand? But they only remember that she died...
I have found my only solace, my only comfort, to be in the company of others who share my heartache. Who know how painful this road can be. With others that can laugh with me one minute and cry the next as we talk about our babies now our angels. This is the place I feel normal. I don't feel like I have to put a smile on my face for fear of upsetting someone else just by speaking her name. I can be the me that I am now becoming. The new me. The reformed me. The mommy with the angel in heaven.
J and I met another couple who has experienced our heartache, our loss. The mama FB'd me the day after precious Savanna passed away.. and after emailing and chatting back and forth over these last few months, we were finally able to match up our schedules and meet. We met them for dinner just last weekend. I laughed and I laughed and I laughed. I talked about S they talked about K. Nothing was forced or uncomfortable. There was no awkward silence to wade through, no thickened tension to cut. I could be me and be normal. And it felt good. It wasn't exhausting or tiresome. If I had a moment I didn't want to say anything, that was OK. I could joke and say her name and it was OK. It was so refreshing. A breath of fresh air. For once I didn't feel like I was being suffocated, there were no looks to steer away from.
But others? Those that haven't walked this road? I just don't have the energy to do it. It's too exhausting to put on a fake smile and pretend that my life is just dandy. i don't think it's fair to myself.. too often am i apologizing for my reactions or the way I'm feeling. My daughter died, and I should be allowed to make choices without feeling bad or guilty. But at the end of the day, I do. I feel like sometimes I'm making this huge deal out of something that society as a whole doesn't seem to really recognize as a 'big deal.' It's been almost 4 months.. I should be over it by now, right? YEA RIGHT! I wonder who those 'experts' talked to.......
So I'm not a social butterfly anymore. I'm just not in that place right now. Maybe one day I will be again. I look forward to that day, but right now in this time in this moment, I'm OK with my little box. This little box is comfortable to me right now, being out of it suffocates me. So I'll just stay here for now. And if you're true to me, respect my grief, respect my loss, you'll be there to help me out of it when I'm ready.
I miss you every day little Bo; more than I could ever express in words. You taught me so much and have left an everlasting footprint on my heart. You have a piece of me forever and always. I love you!!! -Mommy
************
As an update on Shrimp... she woke us up last night scratching again.. May let her in there again. I have to go in her room in phases.. I'm fearful that the more I open and close the door, the less I will be able to smell her sweet smell.
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And now just something that's been bothering me. Another one of those things that just kind of makes me feel like I'm going crazy.. or over-thinking. I tend to do that... think things up and concoct whole scenarios in my mind only to find they are just that--concoctions. But maybe I'm not.. who knows??
Growing up, I always tried to get along with everyone. I have always been a people pleaser and always wanted to make sure everyone was happy, even if it was at the expense of making myself feel uncomfortable or sacrificing my own happiness. I was always in search of acceptance from everyone.. family, friend, complete strangers--EVERYONE. I hated confrontations and couldn't stand the thought of someone mad at me. Being this person got me in precarious predicaments and not always did they have the best outcomes for myself. But in the end, as long as everyone else was happy.. than I could manage. Well because of this person that i was, in school I got along with everyone. I had friends from all social groupings.. I wasn't perfect and I'm sure I had my share of bitch moments--but for the most part I would like to think that I tried to get along with everyone.
I had few enemies, many acquaintances, a handful of friends, and a small group of 'besties.' As I got older, and more comfortable with me, and less worried about others.. it became even easier to make friends. I could talk to anyone, make conversations with complete strangers. Than Savanna was born and I could talk to people in the mall passing by and as my confidence in myself grew, the better and more successful my relationships became. She made me proud.. It never failed, when we went to the store, we would always get stopped by at least one person. All admiring her cute little curls and sweet contagious smile, her brilliant blue eyes and sweet perfection. I was proud to call her mine, and wanted to brag to the world. Having a daughter also brought me into a new 'category.' The mommy category. I had something else in common with people, I could see future play dates and mommy shopping days in my future.
And than Savanna died. And my existence as I had known it seemed to shrivel up and die. A part of my confidence, a part of who I had become, this better new me, became a distant thought. I curled up inside of myself and got lost in the darkness. This person that I had become, the more confidant, emotionally healthy, smart, loved Tabatha vanished with Savanna's last breath and beat of her heart. The color faded from eyes and dark greys and blacks were all I could see. Friends have tried to get me to go out, meet new people. In all reality it would probably be good for me, therapeutic even. But than I think about the anticipation of that question. You know the question..
"Do you have any kids?"
"Yes I have a daughter"
"Aww, how old?"
"She would have been 10 1/2 months, but she passed away in November"
silence.
awkward silence.
"I'm so sorry. I can't imagine.. what happen?"
Insert the worst day of my life movie replay here
silence. tears. awkwardness
"that's terrible. I'm so sorry"
the 'look'
And now I have become the debbie downer of the party with the dead daughter. FANTASTIC! Oh, and forget about mentioning her name when they talk about their kids. Her name is mentioned and the tension begins to thicken and almost becomes suffocating. I'm not afraid to say her name, or talk about her.. but others are afraid to listen or hear it. It's like I want people to know, but than I don't. Because all they remember is that she died and not that she lived. She lived for 7 1/2 beautiful months. Months that gave me a new kind of breath, a life that I was proud of. A pure joy in my heart and a healing that can never be described. Those 7 1/2 months gave me memories, laughter, smiles. That little life in 7 1/2 months gave me unconditional love. How can I hide that? How can I make them understand? But they only remember that she died...
I have found my only solace, my only comfort, to be in the company of others who share my heartache. Who know how painful this road can be. With others that can laugh with me one minute and cry the next as we talk about our babies now our angels. This is the place I feel normal. I don't feel like I have to put a smile on my face for fear of upsetting someone else just by speaking her name. I can be the me that I am now becoming. The new me. The reformed me. The mommy with the angel in heaven.
J and I met another couple who has experienced our heartache, our loss. The mama FB'd me the day after precious Savanna passed away.. and after emailing and chatting back and forth over these last few months, we were finally able to match up our schedules and meet. We met them for dinner just last weekend. I laughed and I laughed and I laughed. I talked about S they talked about K. Nothing was forced or uncomfortable. There was no awkward silence to wade through, no thickened tension to cut. I could be me and be normal. And it felt good. It wasn't exhausting or tiresome. If I had a moment I didn't want to say anything, that was OK. I could joke and say her name and it was OK. It was so refreshing. A breath of fresh air. For once I didn't feel like I was being suffocated, there were no looks to steer away from.
But others? Those that haven't walked this road? I just don't have the energy to do it. It's too exhausting to put on a fake smile and pretend that my life is just dandy. i don't think it's fair to myself.. too often am i apologizing for my reactions or the way I'm feeling. My daughter died, and I should be allowed to make choices without feeling bad or guilty. But at the end of the day, I do. I feel like sometimes I'm making this huge deal out of something that society as a whole doesn't seem to really recognize as a 'big deal.' It's been almost 4 months.. I should be over it by now, right? YEA RIGHT! I wonder who those 'experts' talked to.......
So I'm not a social butterfly anymore. I'm just not in that place right now. Maybe one day I will be again. I look forward to that day, but right now in this time in this moment, I'm OK with my little box. This little box is comfortable to me right now, being out of it suffocates me. So I'll just stay here for now. And if you're true to me, respect my grief, respect my loss, you'll be there to help me out of it when I'm ready.
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| She had the greatest faces |
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| And loved her bath time |
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