I just looked at my last post. It's been well over a year. I can't promise I will make a habit of writing again.. although I do enjoy it. It's soothing, relaxing, cathartic and just therapeutic. But. It also costs time. Time is something I seem to need more and more of everyday. I can't tell you how many days I wanted to come to this place, my blinking cursor and keyboard with the brilliant white blank screen and just go write. But time gets ahead of me and I end up walking away and hitting the red X in the corner. Today I decided not to hit the X, to continue the blinking cursor, to paint the words across the blank canvas as I've wanted to do time and time again. So many milestones have surpassed us, so many trials and tribulations. Celebrations have had, tears have been shed, joy and triumphant beginnings have come to the forefront of our paths. Ella has been born. Actually, Ella is now 14 months old. Savanna's sister is 14 months old. Is your mind blown? Because mine is.
Each day I am in awe of her, each day I am in pure amazement at the amount of love I have for her grows. And there's a moment when you think it won't grow anymore... but than she looks at you and smiles and you feel the chambers of your heart shiver as it expands a bit more. To say it's amazing being a mom to an earthly being again would be insulting to the true nature of those feelings. Of the daily encounterings. The words that describe our world with Ella living, breathing and with a heart beating next to ours simply don't exist. It is unwordly and purely Godly.
But ever since Savanna's death I find myself shifting in the sands of the 'with every good there is a bad.' They say a positive and a negative attract one another and I'm not sure the other side of this postitive is purely negative or if it's just me being me. Being a mom without one of her girls on her hip. As I find my heart growing each day with gratitude, strength and love for Ella.. I become lost and confused. My chambers of my heart for Savanna is so architecturally different. It doesn't continuously shiver with growth because I have no fresh face to gaze over at. It grows with wonderment and sadness. Joy and happiness yes. But in the last few weeks, maybe even months.. I've found myself missing her more and more. Is that possible? Apparently so. My love for her has never changed. To say it is stagnant seems a misrepresentation of my love for her.. but it doesn't grow in the same way it does for Ella. So as we mother's do.. we question ourselves. I question why my love is so different.. althought in my mind I know I don't love one more than the other.. I do know I love them differently. And I guess the point I'm reaching is that I hate the stagnant love. I want my love for Savanna to grow and develop. I want each structure for each of my girls to continue to shiver to glorious heights because I simply cannot contain it. But it doesn't. And I feel guilty for it. But it's my unfortunate reality.
As I experience milestone after milestone with Ella that I never got to with Savanna... I feel.. sad. I want to experience it with both of them. To know what it's like to have a 5 year old AND a 14 month old running around. I want to watch S and E play.. I want to break up teenage fights in the bathroom. I want all these things that just aren't going to happen. And it tugs at my heart strings. I haven't felt my ground quake in quite some time.. but it shakes a bit with every other step I take. Ella gives me purpose and strength and reason. Savanna is my backbone and my reason. But sometimes there is a thick layer of ice not willing to break easily.
Savanna would be 5. Five. And starting kindergarten. Right when you think you've surpassed all milestones... another one bites you in the ass. And usually when you don't expect it. Life sucks sometimes. And even after 4.5 years.. the hurt still hurts. The cut still burns. And the hole feels just as large as it did the day you said goodbye.
I think I'll go squeeze my Ella now.