August 5, 2013

Meeting Milestones

first i wanted to start off by saying that i am sooo ready to get back into writing again. i've had trouble getting back into the swing of things when it comes to this blog. (as i'm sure you've realized as the posts get more sporadic and then there's bursts of promise that i'm back). there have been several times that i sit here and i stare. and i stare. i click the keys. then delete. stare some more. until finally i click out of blogger and head over to fb or youtube.

so i had to dig deep. well not really. i just had to think. and if you know me at all, you know how intense my schedule is. i pretty much have to pencil thinking into my calendar events. along with pooping and showering. pitiful. i know. (ahhh the life of a nursing student).

so as i used my time wisely i began to ponder over why it was that i simply just couldn't blog anymore. even though the need and the desire to was still clearly present. and then it hit me. it was so clear and made so much sense. (i've even talked about it before duh!)

this is Savanna's space.

it always has been.

i have always reserved this place to be completely and truly vulnerable when it came to my grief and how i was feeling. or simply just the head space i was in at that particular time i decided to type.

as i always talk about my grief evolving, i've also talked typed a bit about this space evolving. but for some reason, i couldn't do it. i just couldn't. and so i came up with the thought of 'oh, well i'll just start a new blog.' sorry to say.. that's too much work.. remember how i said i have to schedule poop time?? yeah. carrying a secondary blog, or heck just starting over didn't seem a feasible option. it seemed more of a headache. so, again. i thought some more. (i had to push some things back in my schedule to alott for this extra time i needed).

and the impact of my realization pretty much slapped me in the face. and it rather crushed my heart a bit as the that moment came to me. it was so crystal clear, but so hurtful at the same time. so here it is.

although i know all things evolve. all things change. i was stuck in a bit of denial about this special little blog. i didn't want to truly admit what was happening to this space. so i would come on here, let y'all know i was still alive. let y'all know i was still hurting. still sad. still trying to survive. and then it would appease my guilt. but here's the thing. i would write more..

if.

i didn't always have to write about Savanna.

if.

i didn't always have to write about grief.

if...
*******
that stings. well hurts like a SOB to say that here. somehow anytime i type anything here it becomes real. becomes permaneant. becomes reality. i think because of how much time, energy and care i've put into this space. it's always been reserved for her.

but now.

i've reached an entirely different place in my journey.

acceptance.

even as i type the words i have tears running down my face. tears of sadness? yes. but also tears of hope. it's been 2 years 8 months 23 days since our girl became an angel.  and for the first time today i've made it permaneant. made it a reality. i've accepted the life that's been lost.

i have accepted that this IS my new life
i have accepted that i'll never know why
i have accepted that my daughter died.

i. have. accepted.

and to be honest.. it feels nice. it feels refreshing. it feels hopeful and uplifting.

don't skew my words though.. should you be on the outside looking in.. this may be strange. may sound strange. and you may not understand. but stop before you judge. the shoes i walk in are ones that follow a very treacherous road. so take heed before you 'imagine' yourself in them.

i will continue to miss her each and every day. and still. not a day goes by that i don't think of her. she is always forever will be my girl. my Bo. my Savanna. that will never NEVER change.

but i've changed. and i have been molded into this new found person. death changes you. whether you want it to or not. whether you think it does or not. whether you think you've stayed the same or not. you change. you are molded and created into an entirely new being. the bits of past are still remnant of who you are. but ultimately you become renewed.

i always thought that my membership to mommyhood had been stripped, suspended so to speak. i know today that it's not true. so many false truths we push into our minds and create such dark and dreary circumstances for ourselves. the devil himself encourages these very easy to stay in thoughts.

but after so much work. so much trial and error. many many many tears. break downs. panic attacks. yelling fits. uncontrollable cries. fights. i have found the light of acceptance. and i am grateful.

so.

with that being said. where does that leave sweet Savanna's Wings?

well it will change.

so much of my issue with this space is that i just didn't feel the need to write about Savanna as much as used to. Most things were repeated. i had skipped and hopped from one grief stage to the other that i just felt like i was on a repeated loop. and so it didn't mean as much so i just stopped. i hated feeling like a broken record. it wasn't helpful.

but as my heart began to continue its healing, i realized there was more i wanted to share with the world. there was more i wanted to share with y'all.

the struggles with infertility.

trying to conceive after an infant loss.

DIY projects.

marriage trials and tribulations.

trips and vacations.

laughter and happiness.

hope and light.

but until i made this change in my heart and until i made it ok to change this space within myself i knew it wouldn't happen.

but now.

now it's ok.

so as i do more research, the face of the blog will be changing. Savanna's Wings will be filed to the places of my heart filled with memories of her. you will still be able to come to this place to find me here. i haven't quite figured out the finer details.. i am still on the hunt for a blog designer :) i know i could probably conquer this myself BUT remember what i said about scheduling ;)

so come on in. grab some coffee and your most fave blanket. join me on this next journey of our lives. cross the road hand in hand with me while my little ladybug sprinkles her love and light, happiness and hope all along the way.

3 blessings, thoughts. &. feelings:

Jerica Rook said...

I'm extremely proud of you Tabby. You're an amazing mom and person. :) you're always in my thoughts and prayers.

Mary Thompson said...

Acceptance of this life is one of the hardest lessons I've learned. It takes a lot to finally accept it. Only recently have I fully accepted Addie's death, but it's another step forward. No, you'll never stop missing her, never stop loving her; you'll never be who you were before that day. She will always be a part of your life and I'm looking forward to reading more on your blog, grief and life all in one. A new journey.

My New Normal said...

I plan to stick around for the long haul. After all, time doesn't stop even when we wish it would. So it's only natural that our loss blogs should move forward as well.