Meeting Milestones

first i wanted to start off by saying that i am sooo ready to get back into writing again. i've had trouble getting back into the swing of things when it comes to this blog. (as i'm sure you've realized as the posts get more sporadic and then there's bursts of promise that i'm back). there have been several times that i sit here and i stare. and i stare. i click the keys. then delete. stare some more. until finally i click out of blogger and head over to fb or youtube.

so i had to dig deep. well not really. i just had to think. and if you know me at all, you know how intense my schedule is. i pretty much have to pencil thinking into my calendar events. along with pooping and showering. pitiful. i know. (ahhh the life of a nursing student).

so as i used my time wisely i began to ponder over why it was that i simply just couldn't blog anymore. even though the need and the desire to was still clearly present. and then it hit me. it was so clear and made so much sense. (i've even talked about it before duh!)

this is Savanna's space.

it always has been.

i have always reserved this place to be completely and truly vulnerable when it came to my grief and how i was feeling. or simply just the head space i was in at that particular time i decided to type.

as i always talk about my grief evolving, i've also talked typed a bit about this space evolving. but for some reason, i couldn't do it. i just couldn't. and so i came up with the thought of 'oh, well i'll just start a new blog.' sorry to say.. that's too much work.. remember how i said i have to schedule poop time?? yeah. carrying a secondary blog, or heck just starting over didn't seem a feasible option. it seemed more of a headache. so, again. i thought some more. (i had to push some things back in my schedule to alott for this extra time i needed).

and the impact of my realization pretty much slapped me in the face. and it rather crushed my heart a bit as the that moment came to me. it was so crystal clear, but so hurtful at the same time. so here it is.

although i know all things evolve. all things change. i was stuck in a bit of denial about this special little blog. i didn't want to truly admit what was happening to this space. so i would come on here, let y'all know i was still alive. let y'all know i was still hurting. still sad. still trying to survive. and then it would appease my guilt. but here's the thing. i would write more..

if.

i didn't always have to write about Savanna.

if.

i didn't always have to write about grief.

if...
*******
that stings. well hurts like a SOB to say that here. somehow anytime i type anything here it becomes real. becomes permaneant. becomes reality. i think because of how much time, energy and care i've put into this space. it's always been reserved for her.

but now.

i've reached an entirely different place in my journey.

acceptance.

even as i type the words i have tears running down my face. tears of sadness? yes. but also tears of hope. it's been 2 years 8 months 23 days since our girl became an angel.  and for the first time today i've made it permaneant. made it a reality. i've accepted the life that's been lost.

i have accepted that this IS my new life
i have accepted that i'll never know why
i have accepted that my daughter died.

i. have. accepted.

and to be honest.. it feels nice. it feels refreshing. it feels hopeful and uplifting.

don't skew my words though.. should you be on the outside looking in.. this may be strange. may sound strange. and you may not understand. but stop before you judge. the shoes i walk in are ones that follow a very treacherous road. so take heed before you 'imagine' yourself in them.

i will continue to miss her each and every day. and still. not a day goes by that i don't think of her. she is always forever will be my girl. my Bo. my Savanna. that will never NEVER change.

but i've changed. and i have been molded into this new found person. death changes you. whether you want it to or not. whether you think it does or not. whether you think you've stayed the same or not. you change. you are molded and created into an entirely new being. the bits of past are still remnant of who you are. but ultimately you become renewed.

i always thought that my membership to mommyhood had been stripped, suspended so to speak. i know today that it's not true. so many false truths we push into our minds and create such dark and dreary circumstances for ourselves. the devil himself encourages these very easy to stay in thoughts.

but after so much work. so much trial and error. many many many tears. break downs. panic attacks. yelling fits. uncontrollable cries. fights. i have found the light of acceptance. and i am grateful.

so.

with that being said. where does that leave sweet Savanna's Wings?

well it will change.

so much of my issue with this space is that i just didn't feel the need to write about Savanna as much as used to. Most things were repeated. i had skipped and hopped from one grief stage to the other that i just felt like i was on a repeated loop. and so it didn't mean as much so i just stopped. i hated feeling like a broken record. it wasn't helpful.

but as my heart began to continue its healing, i realized there was more i wanted to share with the world. there was more i wanted to share with y'all.

the struggles with infertility.

trying to conceive after an infant loss.

DIY projects.

marriage trials and tribulations.

trips and vacations.

laughter and happiness.

hope and light.

but until i made this change in my heart and until i made it ok to change this space within myself i knew it wouldn't happen.

but now.

now it's ok.

so as i do more research, the face of the blog will be changing. Savanna's Wings will be filed to the places of my heart filled with memories of her. you will still be able to come to this place to find me here. i haven't quite figured out the finer details.. i am still on the hunt for a blog designer :) i know i could probably conquer this myself BUT remember what i said about scheduling ;)

so come on in. grab some coffee and your most fave blanket. join me on this next journey of our lives. cross the road hand in hand with me while my little ladybug sprinkles her love and light, happiness and hope all along the way.

A visit

There are certain aspects of my life that I do keep private. When it comes to Savanna though, whether about her life or death, I am very open.

There has been a recent...uhh.. situation? that has transpired in our lives. Another slight bump I guess you could say. I have only shared with a small number of people.. but then (as it always seems to) Savanna became intertwined into that situation and I knew I had to share.

Maybe you are, unfortunately, new to this grief journey and maybe my little experience will give you hope. I don't know, but what I do know is that it is worth sharing. May not seem big to some, but to me it was a moment I will never forget.

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On Christmas Day I found a lump on my left breast. I had felt that lump about two weeks prior but thought nothing of it. But then, on CD I felt it again and it felt slightly bigger. Had my husband check, he said it was weird. My mom and dad were in town for the holidays and he urged me to have my mom take a look. (my mom's a nurse.. so naturally that qualifies her to know EVERYTHING haha) she felt it and told me I should have it checked out.

Breast cancer runs in my family so it was a bit of urgency behind it. But on a more positive side, my mom said the lump was 'floating' and that's usually an indicator that its NOT cancer. OF course this DIDN'T ease my mind...

Sooo.. it took me about another month to make an appointment.. call it denial, shock, or lack of attention span.. I'm not sure. But it took me awhile. All the while thinking... are you serious??? Could things seriously get any better.. So I threw myself a pity party for a couple weeks.. so sue me! :)

Finally I called the doc.. thinking OK it will be a couple weeks.. wrongo! They scheduled me an appointment that same afternoon. That kind of freaked me out. So I went in, doc examined, doc said most likely a cyst. It's free floating.. MOST of the time NOT cancer. So I said good. He scheduled an ultrasound.

Next week I went for an ultrasound, she took pics, gave us a disk and sent us on our way.

Now as curious and google search savvy j and I are, we of course pulled up a picture of my lump and compared it to other US pics of lumps. (great bonding time i tell ya ha) Well we were able to determine, in our VERY professional opinion, it was not a cyst, nor did it look like a malignant tumor... it looked to us like a fibroidadenoma.. a benign (non-cancerous) tumor. Not dangerous but does grow.. so with our google self diagnosis, i was able to put myself at ease.. for the time being.

Fast forward a couple weeks.. I go to see the specialist. Dr M is one of the top breast docs in our area, so naturally i went to him. Nurse took the scans. Doc came in. Doc felt lump. Doc said... it's a fibroidadenoma. (who knew google COULD be smart sometimes) I would have to have surgery to remove it... although not dangerous will just grow and grow.. so it's kinda like a third boob ha! Surgery got scheduled for March 12.

Fast forward to March 12.. that's today by the way. :)

Went into surgery this morning.. about 630. Last thing I remembered was them asking me to switch from  the regular bed to the operating table. And then here is where warmness filled my inner being.

In a blink of an eye I was waking up.. (how GREAT is general anesthesia!) I caught a glimpse of hubs and bro standing to my left but before I could fully focus and before I could completely come out of my medically induced sleep. Savanna's face filled my mind and I heard her name whispered in my ear.

At that moment I had the overwhelming feeling that she was with me.. maybe she even visited me in my anesthetic state.. although I don't remember.. I know, just KNOW she was there. Call me crazy, call me delusional, hell call me drugged! But I know what I know.. and I know she was there.. carrying me through this.. because although I acted as if I didn't care, although I acted as if this was no big deal.. I was scared as hell and nervous as all get out.. and of course she knew that... the whole way to the hospital and in pre-op I prayed for comfort, calm and peace. And when I woke and saw the image of my sweet girl and her name in my ear... I knew he had answered my prayers.

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On another note... I am now on twitter :) @mrsbogue

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PS.. the tumor was sent off to pathology and they should have results within a week. I will update you guys once we here something. But so far.. we have a positive outlook. I am recovering well.. just in some pain.. and a little tired from the anesthesia. But other then that.. everything went well... I just hope I don't have a gnarly scar on my boob!!! :)

standing still

have you ever tried it? stood still? both literally and metaphorically. I'll be the first to tell you i haven't. ever since i was young kiddo i always remembered being busy. that's how i like things.. if i had free time, there was room for just one more thing. constantly overachieving and continuously looking for self validation. this has been the subject of almost every therapy session since i started going. my innate need to continuously be busy, to NEVER stand still. why is this? i get so exhausted and run down and yet i keep going.

until recently i just figured i was a busy type of person. i like to stay busy. but after further dissection i have found it has been something more. its my coping mechanism. i have done it my entire life, well as far back as i can remember. if i stayed busy and kept my mind on something else, i never had to deal with the so-called demons lurking at the back of my mind. if i stayed busy i could lock that terrible dark closet with cobwebs and darkness surrounding it. but life always has a way of turning thing upside down and forcing you to unlock those bolted locks.. whether you want to or not.

too much was never enough for me and like i said i just thought that was the way i was wired. but in my session with Dr. d i have found that the constant need to be continuously busy comes from somewhere in my past. after all, as she likes to say, we are a product of our environment and our dealings in grief are a product of our past.

at the age of 13 i had my first panic attack. i didn't realize it until recently that that is what it was. and after unveiling that scary undesirable time in my life i was able to pinpoint that moment as the exact place where i became busy.

i was involved in activity after activity while maintain a part time job. at one point i had 3.. count them 3 jobs. but i never knew how to say no, i never knew how to just stop for one moment and 'smell the roses' so to speak. and now, with the death of my daughter, i have stayed busier then ever.

you see, to stay busy means i don't have to think, i don't have to deal, i don't have to live that time. i can be in these other moments. i hear on a daily basis, you're doing too much, you need to slow down. but quite honestly i don't know how. i have wired my brain to react and act in such a manner. to slow down and stop means to feel, and to feel means to deal. and that right there is all the more reason why i keep going. most days this makes me feel emotionally stunted. tears are hard to come by and quiet moments alone are unheard of.

so this has been a challenge set forth by my Dr. d. stand still for a moment, learn to say no. learn to stand out in the rain and feel the drops trickle down my face. stand with my back to the wind and feel the breaths of nature. stop and admire the wondrous colors that mother nature paints across the lands. sit still, stand silently and allow for things to happen. allow myself to feel whatever it is i need to feel. sounds simple right? NOT!

but.. i am tired. and i am exhausted. and i am ready to move forward, i am ready to truly know the person that i can really be. i am learning, and it is a process, to stand still. it has been my new challenge, my new goal, my new venture. I'm trying to learn to live in each moment. to deal with whatever feelings that the stillness might bring. it scares me to death though, i will admit. there are days where i try to pretend it never happened, you know, the death of Savanna. sometimes i wish it away to that dark crevice of my mind. but i am getting to a point where i can no longer do that. because she did die, and she is gone. it burns my heart just writing those words. and although to outsiders i seem so 'put together' and 'coping so well' but that's the thing... that image that i am able to portray, well i have mastered it. i am so good at it that i don't even have to think about it. it is as natural as eating and sleeping.

but i am ready. i am ready to no longer feel so numb, so stunted in emotion, i am ready to really grasp reality. i am ready to smell the sweet smell of spring and listen the the chirping of the crickets. i am ready to be frozen in my moment of grief, wherever i am in that stage. i am ready.

i am ready to continue a life.. a life that was molded by my past and enlightened and blessed by Savanna. a life that is so worth it because she was able to breathe next to me. she is continuously my light in my dark and my reason to 'do better.' I have had many self validating and self affirming moments since she has died.

who knew the lessons a life so short, a life so sweet and innocent, a life of a little love bug could make all the difference in my world.

so i challenge you too. sit still, be silent and live in the moment. not because it may be the last time, not because you may not be here tomorrow, but because you deserve it. because you're worth it. because our children are guiding our every move whether we realize this or not.

False Intentions

I was driving home from school and I suddenly felt a deep urgency to write. it was an urgency i haven't felt in quite some time. i suddenly felt drawn back to this very sacred very special spot that i call my own. a spot that i felt at one point was the only way i could reconnect with my daughter. in this need to be back to writing i began to dissect things. an after affect of going through therapy these last couple months. i have begun so much self reflection, sometimes wanted sometimes not but always needed. and so i started to think why it was i never have felt this urgency in so long.

when i began this blog it was with intentions to share the story of my daughter. it was to share her life, her death and what she meant to me and my world. it was a way to save her memory. i didn't know how long it would last, how long my memories would last. i was and still am so deathly afraid of forgetting things about her that i wanted to document as much as i could. i wanted 'followers' people to share in my despair, my desperation for meaning. i wanted others to hurt and cry with me, to somehow feel my pain. it only seemed fair right? if i was in such a deep and dark pit, lonely and with a gaping hole in my heart and empty arms.. then the world should feel the same. right? and so i started writing. never knowing what this place would bring or do for me in my life. i just wrote. and each day, my 'following' would grow. each day i would recieve comments and love and appreciation. lives that i had touched. lives savanna had touched. and in return i was inspired i was moving into a positive direction. and then... then i got sucked in, and it started to become only about that. 'you should write a book' 'you have such a way with words' all wonderful loving comments from so many of you. these things kept me going. but then, as i said before, it started to become about that. each day as my following grew i would get more and more eager to write something. maybe what i have to say will help someone? will touch someone's life? maybe it will make them appreciate their children more? and so i began to write for my following, i began to think more about what to say rather then just saying it.

it started to feel like a job. a situation i only created in my own mind. none of you being the cause of this false urgency i had templated in my mind. and so today as i drove home i began to think back to why i REALLY started this blog. was it really to get a following of people to share in my pain? was it really a means to tell Savanna's story? or was i just looking for sympathy, for a pity party without seeing the sad eyes. instead i would read the sad comments. and then as i sat driving down the main road immensed in my own self reflection it came to me.

i started this blog as a girl. a girl who at one time had it all. i was a girl born in california raised in kansas city/phoenix. i was girl who once though i would want to grow up get married and have children but never was i the girl who felt deserving of any it. i always felt like that was the life for someone else, someone who earned that happiness. and then one day i became the girl i always and only ever dreamed of. i met a man. a wonderful, loving, loyal, honest man. and he asked me to marry him. ME! of all the people, of all the women of all the girls.. me. i was his special someone. and so i thought.. well perhaps my fairytale could come true.. perhaps i was somehow deserving. in all my faults, in all my trials, in all my sin, in all my screwups, i was somehow worthy of this one man vowing to devote his life and love to me.

and then, we wanted a family. our own little family. could it be.. me? this girl? first month - no baby. second month - no baby... sixth month - no baby.. maybe i was wrong. maybe i wouldn't get it all. maybe i was only deserving of this small (very wonderful) piece of my wonderland. fast forward 7 months, 8 months, 9 months.. still nothing. no womb to be filled no baby cries to tend to. my nightmare was coming true. carry on to month 11, month 12...

4 AM on August 5, I peed.. fully expecting a negative test to stare back at me i was bemused and exhilerated by the most definitely positive test screaming back at me. could it be.. could this be it.. could my white picket fence dream truly be coming true? im 9 weeks pregnant... the midwife comes, pulls out a doppler, pours a gel on my tummy, wiggles the probe around.. what's that? sounds like galloping horses.. 'that's your baby's heart beat' it was a magical moment of realness. that was MY baby? but wait... i was the undeserving girl. how did i become this girl? the girl with the husband to love and to cherish and the teeny tiny heartbeat of a love bug growing inside? impossible.. fast forward.. sunday march 28, 2010 contractions start. 7 hours later a beautiful, innocent, loving, wonderous little being was plopped onto my stomach. a small cry of recognition sprang from this little persons lungs. it was real. and it was happening. and it was happening to me.

fast forward again. our lives are taking the path the lord had laid for us. we moved, j got a great opportunity and Savanna was growing like a weed. she was beginning to do new things each day. we were planning her entire life for her. we were planning our entire lives WITH her. fast forward.. november 12. i became undeserving. i became that girl i once thought i would be forever. i was the girl with a dead baby and no cause for why. i was empty. lost. confused. angry. anxious. deflated.

and then i needed an outlet. i needed something. the funeral passed. the last time i would physically ever see her face. the last time i would ever feel her hair or graze her sweet hands. the last time i laid my eyes on my most perfect prize. the best parts of me were gone. the best parts of my dreams were dead in a coffin encompassed in my 7.5 month old daughter. i needed something.. and so i turned to this place.

i started writing.. and as i drove home from school today i realized my original and real intentions. i wanted to belong to something. i wanted to feel a part of something. i wanted to know if i would ever feel like me again. would i ever be normal. i could no longer be a part of the mommy club. (yes i know i will always be a mother) i could no longer talk of the NEW things my child was doing, only the things she DID do. but sooner then later i would run out of those stories while the world around me still had a story to tell. and so i wanted to find a new 'club' a new belonging. i didn't feel deserving. and so i found somewhere i belonged. somewhere where i could try to figure me out again. that's why i started this. not to get 1000 followers or to see my daughters name as many different places as i could. it was to be a part of something again to feel like i belonged somewhere. i have been so lost for as long as i could remember. i got married and had a baby and started to feel a sense of belonging. then it was taken from, she was taken from me. ripped from arms and torn from heart. and yet here were others feeling my feelings, sensing my pain, feeling the same pain. i belonged again.

and thats where i need to go back to. thats what made this world, this blank white screen, this blinking cursor so sacred and so safe. it was my place for me that i belonged to. my private sector in my world of hurt and pain. sadness and sorrow.

and so now i have made a vow to myself. i write for me and only for me. my life started when i met my husband, it began when i felt the first kick of my daughter, existence happened when Savanna yelped her first cry, my world felt defeated when she died. these are the tales of that world getting turned upside down. and as long as i continue to remind myself these things, this place can become as sacred as it once was.

thank you to so many of you who have constantly shared your stories, your testimonies, your life experiences with me. your words, your encouragement and your love has gotten me through times that i never thought i would manage through. i wont make any promises anymore of how often i will or wont write. at the end of the day i cant write for you, i have to write for me. and i am ok with admitting that now. it gives me great comfort to know my story and Savanna's life have touched so many. but if i don't stay true to me and to what i feel my purpose is, then it won't be sincere. and that is something i will always promise to be in this space. i am sincere, i am real, i am raw. i am the girl who's daughter died. and i am the girl trying to learn to live in a world that keeps on living while part of me has died.