A few updates

I have a few things to update you on.. bare with me.. I have been battling a migraine all day... thanks anesthesia! :-/

1. The pathology results came back from my lumpectomy/biopsy.....

NO CANCER!!!! Yup, that's right.. no stinkin blinkin cancer... ahhhhh.. I can breathe again. Tumor was benign (adenoma) it was exactly what they thought it was from the scans. It was definitely an incredibly scary, denial stricken and nerve racking time. And I have to thank SO many of YOU for all your prayers and thoughts. I go Tuesday to get these stupid stitches out... I'll be asking a few questions... will this re-occur, does this increase my cancer chances, do I have to do more frequent scans?? You know... all the important stuff. I'll let you guys know what I find out.

Today was my first 'full' day back at work since the surgery. It was a little rough. a little tiring. and battling this headache since the moment i got up has NOT helped whatsoever.. on top of it, i'm still a wee bit dizzy and lightheaded. I get a little winded when I exert any kind of energy.. which if you know where i work you know thats pretty much what i do.. exert energy haha. But I'm hoping with a cancer free sleep I'll feel better in the morning.. I have to work a 16 hour shift tomorrow and Friday..so i'm praying i can make it through..

2. We FINALLY get to go see Savanna's spot. I think Christmas was the last time we got to go. I hate that she's so far away that I can' just get in the car and go. But the last few times it's been hard. I've been so angry and resentful. I guess mostly because the reality of everything is really and finally sinking in. For the first year, i would fully expect to see a beautiful bubbly little girl sitting atop the headstone.. waiting for me to come. Sounds silly maybe, but the mind is a wonderous thing.. and my mind knew it would never happen, but you can't fault a mother's heart. A mother's wishing and wanting heart at that. I guess this last Christmas, our second Christmas without her, it truly hit me that no matter how many times we went, no matter how many different flowers or decorations we brought, she would NEVER be standing there, sitting there legs swinging, hair blowing, eyes glowing, smile beaming. It would always and always will be an image i'll hold in my mind.

It sucks. it really does. there's no other words that seem to even break ground to the way this whole journey feels. and sucky seems to be the best one. crappy is a good one.. or how about shit-hole. that one works too..

on top of the feelings we have just plain been busy. i work, i go to school, j works, j goes to school now. i work every saturday because of my school schedule. and it just hasn't worked out. but this week is spring break and so i was able to take some pto to steal away for the weekend to pay a visit to my sweet girl. the guilt has been overwhelming that i havent been there to spruce up her spot.. but now in less then 3 weeks time, her 2nd birthday will emerge and i will be forced to face yet another milestone... without her. but i did manage to make it to the store to get her some new and updated spring and birthday goodies...

Some new whirly gigs... and a little spring/easter decor

I went for fun flowers rather then just a standard bouquet i usually do

I'm still in disbelief sometimes that this is how we 'get' to celebrate her birthday. J and I were looking at photos of her last night before bed and I found myself constantly reminding my mind that yes she was real and yes she did live. Funny isn't it.. you would think my mind would get it by now.. but the factuality just can't seem to maintain a spot in my mind. The surrealness still seems to overpower the realness of it all.

But anywho, I'm just happy to go visit. And happy to get some new and updated pictures.

3. If you have followed my blogs for awhile you'll know that since Savanna's death, I have felt like there was a purpose. Well that's what I allowed myself to believe. She couldn't have just died for nothing.. there had to be some 'grand plan' right? Well that's what I led myself to think. Right or wrong.. it worked for me. I felt a calling to help other people. I didn't know how.. I started doing SIDS advocacy work, we did Spring for SIDS, I attempted to do a memory box project... all different kinds of things. I would scour blogs upon blogs of BLM's who had found such beautiful and precious ways to mark a spot in the world for the little ones lost. And I was struggling finding mine. I would semi-commit only to let the projects fall to the wayside.. but now, now I think I have found it.

photography.

i have always been interested, always wanted to get into it, but always scared. knowing it was never something i could really be 'good' at. after Savanna died, a picture was all I had left. Photographs brought me back to memories I had sometimes forgotten, reminded me of minor details that i missed the most. the sad face.. my favorite face. it had begun to fade from my memory... but that face was captured by the shutter and a snap and i am now forever able to pull that photo up to recall any and every detail. all the way down to the wrinkles in her feet to the rolls in her arms and legs. and leading to the sweet little curls that would so stubbornly peak out from behind her ears.

so for Christmas this year, J bought me a camera.. and i started to dabble a little.. first with J's cousins little babe, then another and another... and now--well now i think i have found that fork in the road to take. i think i have found where i can be to help another. i am able to capture moments, faces, timeless and priceless memories for families. i know all the things i miss of Savanna all the things i wish i did have captured that i don't. and through the eyes of my loss and my grief for my daughter I am able to capture these moments for others. I may not be the best or the most technically skilled... but I know what I miss and I know what a mother loves and I know what my heart feels. and in all this i feel closer to Savanna. She guides me and reminds me why I'm doing it. I am able to help someone, help someone remember the small moments. The special in-between moments. The moment when mom is nursing her sweet new baby and dad gazes so lovingly at his precious gems before him. i can capture this for a family to have forever. and so Because of her Photography has been born. And I am so excited and thrilled, inspired and ready to fulfill this journey and walk this path wherever it may lead.

Here is my facebook page if you would like to take a look :)
And here is my photography blog i have yet to add too much to this one yet.. but i will be working with Franchesca once again over at Small Bird Studios to do a blog and logo design and I CANNOT wait!!!

4. this is the last of the updates.. i promise not to keep you up too much longer.. :) Speaking of Franchesca... she recently posted on her blog about passing on Abiding Hope Collage A project she started in memory of her daughter Jenna. Franchesca has a kind heart and such a sweet and giving soul but realized it was time to pass the torch for this project.. I had fought all that day, prayed if this is something I should take on or not. So finally I emailed her, and what do ya know... :)

so i am incredibly excited and supremely humbled to have officially taken over this wonderful project. This project is a way to help baby loss families remember their sweet babes taken too soon through the use of words they associate with their little ones. It is a collage of these words, put together individually by me. If you would like more information, or would like to put a request in for your very own please visit our blog and/or facebook page for updates.

Abiding Hope Collage Blog
Abiding Hope Collage Facebook Page

I am so excited to see where this project will take me! Thank you Franchesca for your confidance and trust in me to carry on this very dear project!

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Well that's it.. well that's enough I should say! Those are the most major of major things going on in my life right now. I feel in a better place for the most part. Not feeling so self absorbed. And I must say... it feels GOOD to blog again :)

Here's that face.. my favorite face.. next to her dazzling smile of course..
the sad face.. i miss it something terrible 

Having Hope

 The beautiful and very talented Franchesca started a blog hop on hope (check out the very pretty button over there to the right--and I almost forgot to mention it will be the 19th of every month!). First of all, I wasn't sure what a 'blog hop' was, but after reading others stories and postings, I was inspired. And at the end of the day, the hope for a better tomorrow is what I have to cling to, so I decided, what the heck do I have to lose?
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The past few weeks, I have probably been very hard to live with--ask J, he'll tell you. Constant mood swings..  moments of awkward-tension-filled silence. It was very walking on egg shells around our house. Sleep depravity was starting to get the best of me, and I was emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted. The weight of the world without my Savanna weighing heavily on my shoulders, and the dreams of expanding our family once again so far out of reach. I was feeling alone and completely broken and utterly hopeless. I felt backed in to a corner, and the walls were closing in. But than last night I read a new found friend's blog (tiffany -- mama to Julius)about her journey of hope. And as my breaths tried to keep up with my fast beating heart, and the tears wetting my cheeks, my glimmer of hope seemed to seep from the tiny cracks in my heart.

Reading her words of vulnerability and raw pure emotion and than looking and reflecting at where I was in my hope journey, or the lack of hope journey; i became to open my heart a little. I prayed a lot more that night, I prayed for the Lord to give me strength and to allow me to be open with J about how I had been feeling. I prayed that he would give me calmness and the words to speak. So often when I try to express my feelings it comes out completely jibbered jabbered and jumbled. (remember what I said--verbal communication is a work in progress!) So on our drive to Dallas, I decided to take the leap, that it was time. It wasn't fair for me to keep J in the dark, after all--he can't read my mind. (Although we, as women, think they should be able to!) At the end of the day, I can't fault him if he doesn't know. So, I poured my heart out to him, I cried and cried, spoke from the heart and cried some more. I felt like I could breathe again..

For so long I felt alone, so broken. And all this time he just didn't know how to help me, how to fix it.. we're both lost and don't know how to help one another. It's not like we have done this before.. it's a new experience, a new road.. and trying to meet each other in the middle is hard work. So we continued to talk all the way to Dallas. All of our problems aren't fixed, and I know it will always be a work in progress. But that day, I was able to let the hope float to the surface. Hope that I wasn't alone, hope in my husband and best friend, the hope that when I fall he will catch me. He can't fix me, but I have hope that, together, we can put each other back together again.