A Visitor

I am continuously amazed by the warm hearts and good natured people sprinkled throughout this world.

Yesterday I was home by myself, getting ready to leave and my doorbell rang. I don't really know many people out here.. and I watch wayyyy too much Dateline, so I must admit I imagined the worse. I looked through the peephole and there was a woman I could see.. I thought, OK, I could take her down if need be. I opened the door and there was something familiar about the face of this woman. Living in a small town and not knowing too many.. I knew that I had met her before. I looked down at her waist and saw a gun and a badge.. and than it clicked. It was the detective that night at the hospital that questioned J and I. I'm sure I had a ridiculous look on my face.. I didn't know what she was doing here. We had already received the autopsy results and the final death certificate.. Is something wrong? Did they find something? Finally I got a clue and invited her in.

She  came in and sat on my couch across from me. She proceeded to tell me that they had received the autopsy results and she wanted to let me know that they are officially closing Savanna's case. The medical examiner's conclusion came to a natural death due to SIDS and the toxicology results were also all negative. (I don't think she knew that we received our own copy of the report) So I said, so it's done? That's it? She said, "Yes. It's done. I promised you that I would let you know as soon as we found anything out. And I just wanted to make sure you knew." I could see a small twinge of pain behind her eyes.. is she a mother? had she just been in this business too long? had she lost a child? She looked at me, right in the eye and said "Again, I just want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss" Typically these words cause me to go on a rant. I think it's because I heard it so often, and sometimes said with no emotion that I came to resent that phrase. But her tone, and her eyes and the way she said it.. told me she meant it from the center of her being.

She asked me if I went back to work, told me I had a pretty dog and gazed at pictures of Savanna sitting on our coffee table. She told me she had stopped by earlier and no one was home, so came back after business hours.. she remembered (or did she look at our file? I like to think she remembered) where I had worked and knew I didn't get off til 5. So she came all the way back. Our meeting lasted all of five minutes, and as quickly as she came, she left.

I sat there for a moment after I closed and locked the door, and I couldn't help but smile. This woman.. she didn't have to come to my house.. TWICE for that matter. She could have called, or sent a letter. There was nothing pressing in her reports that called for a personal visit. But she did. She took the time to come and tell me.. to inform me that they had closed the case and there was no foul play. She took a moment to honor Savanna's life and death. There are still good people out there. Sometimes we think these people see this kind of thing everyday, it's just part of the job. Even if that were the case for her she cared enough to come. And even if it was just something she did as protocol for herself.. She still did it. And it meant the world to me. She took a moment out of her day for my Savanna. Savanna wasn't just a victim to her, or a file number. Savanna was a person, she had a name and a life.. and she took a moment of her time to recognize that.

All in a year...

Well, today I turned 25. Insurance is cheaper (hopefully) and now I can rent a car. And now I can say I am a quarter of a century old. Ha!! How exciting.. (insert eye roll.. here) What I can say, without sarcasm and minus the eye roll.. is that I am incredibly blessed. I am so thankful for so many people around me, near and far who care enough to take a moment out of their day to celebrate my day of birth. People who I don't always talk to, some I have never met in real life, some are just barely acquaintances.. and yet they took a few seconds out of their days to celebrate my life with me.. even if it was for a moment in time. And that is a true blessing, a gift, and a treasure. It something not all people are able to experience... but I do! And I have welcomed it with open arms. Message after message, call after call, post after post... all wishing me well on my 'special day.' It warmed my heart and brought many many smiles to my face. So thank-you to everyone for celebrating my day with me.. even if for just a second. 
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I came home yesterday to find these on the counter..

Thank you Aunt S!!

Than there was a box with this in it...

Thank you R :)

Than today I got to work and this was on my desk...

Thanks work buddies!

 And than T gave me this..

Thank you friend

And I got a message with these..

 Thank you Z!!

When I got home, there were two birthday cards waiting with some mulah from the MIL and the PIL (pappaw-in-law.. i just made that up :] ) Well hubby had to go to class :( Which meant I was spending the evening by my lonesome.. No way was I going to stay at home.. so I went shopping! Nothing like retail therapy to get the blood pumping and the calories burning. While I was out perusing the shelves and wandering through aisles of fresh cotton and polyester and crisp denim  jeans.. I started thinking. (Thinking is something I do quite frequently, especially these days.) I often get lost in my thoughts as this is the place I can recall my Savanna. I started to think of this last year. From 24-25. So much has happened.

I gave birth to my beautiful Savanna Dawn, I moved across the country to Texas, I changed jobs, I went back to school, I adjusted to a new life, I celebrated my 2nd year anniversary to my other half and best friend, I started a new job, put Savanna in daycare, I also watched my daughter's life slip from her being, I buried my 7 1/2 month old, picked out a casket for her, a headstone, and a spot on a hill, I celebrated a Christmas without her.. and than I celebrated a new year, I began to make new friends, I became part of a community of those who had been traveling my path, I began to see the love blossoming from others, I strengthened my faith, I grieved.. I grew up.

This is me last year...

36w 4d.. Savanna was born 2 weeks later

And this year...

It hardly seems fair.. and to think... all in a year...

My Safe Place

This blog is my safe place. A place for me to be vulnerable. A place I don't have to be fake. A place to say and feel whatever has been placed on my plate of life in that moment. It is not a place to evaluate my mental status. There are no hidden meanings, no cries for help. Just me, walking this journey, traveling this path. And I have allowed others into that world. Into my world of grief, loss and much much more. I do this in hopes of others understanding the minds and feelings of a baron armed mama. I am in hopes of spreading Savanna's story. I am in hopes of maybe helping someone else not feel crazy and alone. It is my place, and my sanctuary to sort my dark and sad, happy and confusing thoughts.

I have come to realize that my last posting has had an extreme affect on those who care deeply for me. First and foremost I sincerely and completely appreciate the concern. It is with that love and heartfelt caring that helps me through the days. But with that being said, I will not apologize for it. I hate that I am having to sit  here and even justify it. But just to give some insight as to where my mind was at on that specific day. I had received some disheartening comments that cut at my heart from someone very dear to me, someone who thought they were helping but in fact had the opposite affect. I had gotten news that a family member who is one of my number 1's was going to the hospital. And on top of it all, I was trying to prepare myself for the 11 month birthday without Savanna here. In essence, it was quite the emotional, overwhelming day. And so I wrote about a very dark place I was at. That specific day, the shadows over threw the light and the hole in my heart was burning an even bigger one.

See, society has deemed a child loss as something not talked about or discussed. We grieve in silence for fear of upsetting someone else. The moment our angel baby is mentioned the tension feels the room, awkward fidgeting begins and the change of subject happens quickly. If we are not "over" it in a certain amount of time, then something must be wrong with us. Well I am starting to see why one might be apprehensive to Grieve Out Loud and why they crawl back into their hole once a word is spoken of their heart ache. They are judged, ostracized or somehow deemed unstable. All I have simply done is been completely open, honest and raw.. and now here I am justifying why it is OK for me to feel the way I feel. I feel crazy enough in my own mind without others being concerned over my mental capabilities and emotional state. Now it makes sense that this community feels they have to grieve alone and in silence.

And as time goes on things are said, judgements are made and I am realizing more and more that truly only those other baby loss parents can relate to me. These parents of loss are either in that place I am now or have been in that place at some point. It is very dark and ugly and to those on the outside looking in it can look very disconcerting and scary. I am here to tell you, those who care and have shown concern, thank you for that--but I am OK. I will be OK. It was a bad day. Nothing more nothing less. I am allowed to have them and should not have to apologize for them or justify them to anyone. Nor should I feel like I am going to be judged because I have them. But I will tell you that never would I chose to take drastic measures.

1. If I choose to 'end my life' I would not get to greet my Savanna in the Heavens.
2. I am a survivor and fighter. I am  not a coward, and I do not give up or give in.

By choosing to end this world I live in would be choosing to give up on Savanna. And that, I can promise will NEVER happen!

From the very beginning, I have told my story, Savanna's story, with raw and pure emotion. No cookie cutting, no sugar coating. This life is very real to me and I have intended to share, from the beginning, every. single. piece. of it. I cannot promise everything will be insightful, meaningful and colorful. There are days that are very dark-very black and grey. It would be dishonest to you, myself, Savanna and my faith to pretend it is anything else.

So I am here to tell you. Make no judgments about me. I am a grieving mother who has lost her only daughter. I am allowed to have bad days. If you cannot handle it, and feel you may try and meddle in my life--it's very simple. Don't read. J and myself are what are most important to me. Everyone else is secondary. He is my family, he is my hope, he is my yesterday, today and tomorrow. He is what gets me through each day. The judgments drag me down and backwards.. a place I have worked very hard to get away from and I  do not want to go back to it. So my energy is concentrated on him, my life, our marriage, and my daughter's memory. If you impede on that I have no choice but to leave you behind. It's a cold hard truth.. but it's just that, truth.

I am not unstable. I am not going crazy. I am not even contemplating ending my life. But I am sleep deprived. I am heart broken. I am a mommy with no baby in my arms only memories left. And if you know me, really know me, or if you are walking this path.. you know that what I say is true. Have faith in me that I am a SURVIVOR. I am not strong.. but I AM surviving and fighting. Even survivors and fighters get knocked down once in awhile. I made a promise to Savanna that next day following her last breaths. I promised her I would always get back up no matter how hard or how long the fall--because for her, I will do anything.

Struggling

to keep my head above the water. Struggling to stay afloat this world without Savanna. I'm tired.. tired of holding it all in. Tired of smiling at strangers as they walk by with their baby bumps and toddlers in tow. Tired of trying to convince myself I am going to be OK, that I am going to be OK. I am teetering on the edge of losing my mind and letting go of everything. I am tired of waking up everyday and being forced to make the choice to keep going. It's exhausting to sit at that front desk and smile as new couples, old couples, new families, happy families purchase their first homes. Tired of answering the phone with a fake smile on my face. Done with acting like everything is OK on the outside when everything within me has fallen to the floor and shattered into a million pieces.


I'm over it. Done with fighting my own anger, my own mood swings. Tired of bargaining and waiting. Waiting to wake up from my nightmare. I want to be done finding her mismatched socks and misplaced binkies--constant reminders of what I no longer have. I'm sick and tired. Exhausted and spread too thin. Nothing seems to go my way anymore. I have no control over anything. My daughter died. The world keeps spinning and everyone else goes on about their day. People make ignorant and insensitive comments and yet somehow think they are helping. I want to have another baby.. but nope, not going my way. Everything just sucks. And it's all sucking the energy and life from my core.


My daughter wasn't the only thing that died that day. My hopes, my dreams, my future, my normal, my heart, my soul... it all died that day. I can't find my way out of this cluster fuck of emotions and grieving. I'm just tired. Very. Very. Tired. Exhausted. Spent. Done.

And tomorrow, I'll wake up. Force myself to go through my day. Slap a stupid smile on my face. Emit a pitiful and fake laugh from my throat. Make for meaningless conversation. And yet, i will still feel like shit. I will be angry and pissed off. Sad and heartbroken. Empty and hollow. And I am tired of it.


Done. Fin.

Wanna sleep but can't.. so here I am

I wasn't going to post anything tonight. But as it is with any other night, I. can't. sleep! It's quite frustrating.. I'm exhausted and I can feel the tired building up behind my eyes. The moment I lay my head on pillow I'm wide awake and my mind begins to spin and sputter all of life's events. It's unnerving and than the act of trying to sleep to alleviate my exhaustion, well that becomes exhausting all in itself. I have tried so many tricks.. and well, here I am. J is in bed (not feeling well.. stayed out in the sun too long!) Meela in bed, Shrimp in bed.. the world is in bed.. well that's an exaggeration, but you get my drift.


I have tried Sleep-Aid, and I just feel hungover in the morning--that's just as exciting as NOT sleeping... NOT! So I tried counting.. I got up to 450 and gave up. I tried reading, I read half the book and gave up. I tried relaxing each part of my body.. my mind still wanders. I pray--than I become so involved I get upset and start searching for more answers. So, I end up tossing and turning for hours until finally I fall into a light lull.. only to be woken by a dog whinging, a cat scratching, a husband peeing, or a bladder knocking to be emptied. And than, well it takes me another hour to fall back asleep. Soooo..... I have decided to go to the doctor. I haven't taken any medication thus far... It's a great thing, and I definitely (after the given situation) do not judge ANYONE who needs it.. I know what this feels like, and if something can take the edge off even a little to keep my sanity.. well you know the answer to that.


And well, that's what it's coming down to.. my sanity. My mood swings are getting consistently more persistent, my attention span is that of a fruit fly, and my energy is way in the negative zone. I'm desperate. So I tried to call the doctor... TWICE.. it rang and rang and rang.. A sign?? Who knows.. so I guess I'll just try again on Monday.. I dont' even necessarily want sleeping meds.. something to deliver the execution to this anxiety. Each morning it's getting harder and harder to wake up and get out of bed. Each day it becomes more deafening clear this road I have to walk. Each day I am reminded of the life that I no longer have, but the life I am now forced to travel. Each day it's becoming a greater challenge to leap over that ledge. Something has got to give...


Well I end with this... Although I am struggling immensely right now.. I am digging my heels further into my faith and grabbing tighter to the ones who do get it. I am expanding my heart to the ones who are broken too.. the ones whose cracks have become gaping holes. Because my faith, my Savanna, my sisters in Christ and in loss are the ones that help me get the slight push each morning. It's a text message, a post on FB, a comment on my blog, a picture that is sent, a card in the mail.. these things always come at just the right moment. And for that I am thankful for. Those are the things that seem to make this life a little worth opening my eyes each day. My very dear sweet friend KB sent me something today. Something that truly made so much sense and I thought I would share.
  
"On this day God wants you to know... that God has an important purpose for you, and made everything possible for you to succeed. That's not to say it's an easy purpose, or a convenient one. It might very well seem hard or even impossible, but it only looks that way. The truth is that one day you will look back and see how all the pieces fit together. And how your life has been a complete and utter success."
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 Thank you KB for being such a wonderful source of strength for me. Your constant courage, fight and faith in Christ helps me to keep going. I have learned so much from you in the short amount of time we have known each other. I so look forward the the great things that will be accomplished in our baby girl''s names. I can't wait to meet sweet K one day.. (I know she won't be far from my Savanna.. they are bff's after all!!) And I look forward to growing our friendship, our sisterhood and our faith together as we walk this journey hand in hand. So much love to you my dear sweet friend!
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And here is a little memorial I got today from Emalee over at Project KJ 

I just love to see her name! Thank you!!

Check out this page to see how I am keeping her memory alive.. and how others have so graciously kept her name alive.
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And to all you other BLM's I have just connected with. I thank you all so much for your support and loving hearts. I am thankful for each and every one of you. And every night, it is my promise to you that I say a prayer for each and every one of you that the Lord fill your hearts with light, strength and courage to continue to walk this road.. And I feel truly blessed to know a little piece of each and every one of you.. You mama's, you give me hope.

Social Butterfly

First, we are trying to come up with our name for Savanna's projects (check out the poll right ----> there). Many have already voted, and it's pretty clear so far the favorite! There's still a week left to vote... I can't promise the winner will be the one, but it will give us an idea of which one is most inspiring and fitting to our purposes. :) Thanks to everyone who has voted so far!
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As an update on Shrimp... she woke us up last night scratching again.. May let her in there again. I have to go in her room in phases.. I'm fearful that the more I open and close the door, the less I will be able to smell her sweet smell.
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And now just something that's been bothering me. Another one of those things that just kind of makes me feel like I'm going crazy.. or over-thinking. I tend to do that... think things up and concoct whole scenarios in my mind only to find they are just that--concoctions. But maybe I'm not.. who knows??


Growing up, I always tried to get along with everyone. I have always been a people pleaser and always wanted to make sure everyone was happy, even if it was at the expense of making myself feel uncomfortable or sacrificing my own happiness. I was always in search of acceptance from everyone.. family, friend, complete strangers--EVERYONE. I hated confrontations and couldn't stand the thought of someone mad at me. Being this person got me in precarious predicaments and not always did they have the best outcomes for myself. But in the end, as long as everyone else was happy.. than I could manage. Well because of this person that i was, in school I got along with everyone. I had friends from all social groupings.. I wasn't perfect and I'm sure I had my share of bitch moments--but for the most part I would like to think that I tried to get along with everyone.


I had few enemies, many acquaintances, a handful of friends, and a small group of 'besties.' As I got older, and more comfortable with me, and less worried about others.. it became even easier to make friends. I could talk to anyone, make conversations with complete strangers. Than Savanna was born and I could talk to people in the mall passing by and as my confidence in myself grew, the better and more successful my relationships became. She made me proud.. It never failed, when we went to the store, we would always get stopped by at least one person. All admiring her cute little curls and sweet contagious smile, her brilliant blue eyes and sweet perfection. I was proud to call her mine, and wanted to brag to the world. Having a daughter also brought me into a new 'category.' The mommy category. I had something else in common with people, I could see future play dates and mommy shopping days in my future.

And than Savanna died. And my existence as I had known it seemed to shrivel up and die. A part of my confidence, a part of who I had become, this better new me, became a distant thought. I curled up inside of myself and got lost in the darkness. This person that I had become, the more confidant, emotionally healthy, smart, loved Tabatha vanished with Savanna's last breath and beat of her heart. The color faded from eyes and dark greys and blacks were all I could see. Friends have tried to get me to go out, meet new people. In all reality it would probably be good for me, therapeutic even. But than I think about the anticipation of that question. You know the question..

"Do you have any kids?"

"Yes I have a daughter"

"Aww, how old?"

"She would have been 10 1/2 months, but she passed away in November"

silence.

awkward silence.

"I'm so sorry. I can't imagine.. what happen?"

Insert the worst day of my life movie replay here

silence. tears. awkwardness

 "that's terrible. I'm so sorry"

the 'look'

And now I have become the debbie downer of the party with the dead daughter. FANTASTIC! Oh, and forget about mentioning her name when they talk about their kids. Her name is mentioned and the tension begins to thicken and almost becomes suffocating. I'm not afraid to say her name, or talk about her.. but others are afraid to listen or hear it. It's like I want people to know, but than I don't. Because all they remember is that she died and not that she lived. She lived for 7 1/2 beautiful months. Months that gave me a new kind of breath, a life that I was proud of. A pure joy in my heart and a healing that can never be described. Those 7 1/2 months gave me memories, laughter, smiles. That little life in 7 1/2 months gave me unconditional love. How can I hide that? How can I make them understand? But they only remember that she died...

I have found my only solace, my only comfort, to be in the company of others who share my heartache. Who know how painful this road can be. With others that can laugh with me one minute and cry the next as we talk about our babies now our angels. This is the place I feel normal. I don't feel like I have to put a smile on my face for fear of upsetting someone else just by speaking her name. I can be the me that I am now becoming. The new me. The reformed me. The mommy with the angel in heaven.

J and I met another couple who has experienced our heartache, our loss. The mama FB'd me the day after precious Savanna passed away.. and after emailing and chatting back and forth over these last few months, we were finally able to match up our schedules and meet. We met them for dinner just last weekend. I laughed and I laughed and I laughed. I talked about S they talked about K. Nothing was forced or uncomfortable. There was no awkward silence to wade through, no thickened tension to cut. I could be me and be normal. And it felt good. It wasn't exhausting or tiresome. If I had a moment I didn't want to say anything, that was OK. I could joke and say her name and it was OK. It was so refreshing. A breath of fresh air. For once I didn't feel like I was being suffocated, there were no looks to steer away from.

But others? Those that haven't walked this road? I just don't have the energy to do it. It's too exhausting to put on a fake smile and pretend that my life is just dandy. i don't think it's fair to myself.. too often am i apologizing for my reactions or the way I'm feeling. My daughter died, and I should be allowed to make choices without feeling bad or guilty. But at the end of the day, I do. I feel like sometimes I'm making this huge deal out of something that society as a whole doesn't seem to really recognize as a 'big deal.' It's been almost 4 months.. I should be over it by now, right? YEA RIGHT! I wonder who those 'experts' talked to.......

So I'm not a social butterfly anymore. I'm just not in that place right now. Maybe one day I will be again. I look forward to that day, but right now in this time in this moment, I'm OK with my little box. This little box is comfortable to me right now, being out of it suffocates me. So I'll just stay here for now. And if you're true to me, respect my grief, respect my loss, you'll be there to help me out of it when I'm ready.

She had the greatest faces

And loved her bath time

  I miss you every day little Bo; more than I could ever express in words. You taught me so much and have left an everlasting footprint on my heart. You have a piece of me forever and always. I love you!!! -Mommy

Cat Scratches

 We have a cat named Shrimp. She was the runt of the litter. I got her for J the first year we were married as a birthday gift. She was our first pet together.. our first child so to speak. And she is CRAZY!

Shrimp in the sink

Shrimp loving the new couches

She zips and she zings through the house, often using me as her springboard. She loves only J and will lay on him for hours. Don't try to pick her up because you will meet her claws. She typically wants nothing to do with me, unless I am filling her water bowl. Yet at night, she likes to sleep with her behind on my head or up under my side. She sits in the window and meows at birds, hisses at passing cats, swats at the air, and stares and nothingness floating in the air. She chases lasers and scales walls, and is NOT a fan of the dog. So she'll jump a top her tower and tease Meela.

She was an only child.. an only very spoiled child. When I got pregnant, we were concerned whether or not she would get along with new baby. If it came down to it, we all know the cat would have to go. Talking with friends and family, they all said she would be fine. They can sense that the little one is part of the family. But see, Shrimp is not most cats. Like I said, she is CRAZY! So Savanna came, and we wouldn't let Shrimp near her. I was too nervous. On a couple occasions, J would be sitting on the couch, S nestled cozily on his chest... Shrimps chest! So as Shrimp would typically do, she would attempt to jump onto the couch and spring to his chest... except there was one slight problem, it was now Savanna's chest! Needless to say there were a couple times the cat caught a hand in mid spring. It took her twice to finally look before she lept. Than one day I had laid S down for a nap and Shrimp jumped up onto the couch. I was on guard and ready, but I figured if I swatted her away everytime, she would only try harder to get closer. So I watched, with great anticipation and a bit of anxiety as she crept closer and closer, sniffing and sniffing. Not sure why I was so worried, because she plopped down right next to her, almost as if watching over her. From that moment, I knew she had made Savanna part of the family too.

As S got older and more interactive, the cat would often sit next to her while S played. She never bit, and if she playfully swatted at her, claws were always put away. It's as if she knew how delicate and fragile baby girl was.

So where does my story bring me? It brings me to this last month or so. One day I was getting ready for work and I heard a weird scratching noise, I looked.. Shrimp was sitting at Savanna's door scratching away. I shooed her off and went about my business. She did it again.. I repeated the previous process. Over the course of the next few weeks, I would catch her doing this at least once a day, sometimes two or three. I began to get a little concerned... a little freaked out actually. A friend thought that maybe it was because her door was closed, she was curious. Well, so is the bathroom door and the guest room door, and those have been left untouched. It was completely out of character for her. Another friend suggested that maybe she senses her spirit, I've heard of that... cats sensing spirits of those who have passed. Than someone else thought maybe she just missed her. So this triggered my inquisitive little mind and I did some research.


I did find a few things on cats sensing spirits, but nothing that seemed too concrete. Than I stumbled upon an article about cats missing an owner when they die. The article talked about grief symptoms that often occur in cats after an owner or fellow feline passes. First, they are probably able to sense the high emotions in the household, immediately tipping them off that something is changed. Sometimes they will get sick (and she did get a cold about 3 weeks after S died) and than once they realize the person is not there, they will begin to look for them. Shrimp was never allowed in S' room, and she knew that. On bath nights and when we would get S ready for bed, Shrimp would always try to sneak in there, or she would be sitting right at the threshold in hopes we would invite her in. So thinking about the research and the crazy cats recent behavior, I came to the conclusion, Shrimp misses S too.

The MIL had an idea, let her in there. Let her investigate and see that she's not there. Give her some closure. (Sounds weird, I know... to speak of her the way I do. But as crazy as Shrimp is, she is a part of our little family. And has aided in a bit of the healing.) So tonight, as I went through Savanna cards, we let Shrimp in to investigate. She walked around, sniffed, went under the crib, through the bars, and laid down.


So now we wait and see. So far this evening, she hasn't done it. And who knows how much truth the article holds, but it seemed a logical explanation to me. It made me realize also, that even an animals life becomes altered when one of God's blessings is given and than taken away.

Having Hope

 The beautiful and very talented Franchesca started a blog hop on hope (check out the very pretty button over there to the right--and I almost forgot to mention it will be the 19th of every month!). First of all, I wasn't sure what a 'blog hop' was, but after reading others stories and postings, I was inspired. And at the end of the day, the hope for a better tomorrow is what I have to cling to, so I decided, what the heck do I have to lose?
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The past few weeks, I have probably been very hard to live with--ask J, he'll tell you. Constant mood swings..  moments of awkward-tension-filled silence. It was very walking on egg shells around our house. Sleep depravity was starting to get the best of me, and I was emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted. The weight of the world without my Savanna weighing heavily on my shoulders, and the dreams of expanding our family once again so far out of reach. I was feeling alone and completely broken and utterly hopeless. I felt backed in to a corner, and the walls were closing in. But than last night I read a new found friend's blog (tiffany -- mama to Julius)about her journey of hope. And as my breaths tried to keep up with my fast beating heart, and the tears wetting my cheeks, my glimmer of hope seemed to seep from the tiny cracks in my heart.

Reading her words of vulnerability and raw pure emotion and than looking and reflecting at where I was in my hope journey, or the lack of hope journey; i became to open my heart a little. I prayed a lot more that night, I prayed for the Lord to give me strength and to allow me to be open with J about how I had been feeling. I prayed that he would give me calmness and the words to speak. So often when I try to express my feelings it comes out completely jibbered jabbered and jumbled. (remember what I said--verbal communication is a work in progress!) So on our drive to Dallas, I decided to take the leap, that it was time. It wasn't fair for me to keep J in the dark, after all--he can't read my mind. (Although we, as women, think they should be able to!) At the end of the day, I can't fault him if he doesn't know. So, I poured my heart out to him, I cried and cried, spoke from the heart and cried some more. I felt like I could breathe again..

For so long I felt alone, so broken. And all this time he just didn't know how to help me, how to fix it.. we're both lost and don't know how to help one another. It's not like we have done this before.. it's a new experience, a new road.. and trying to meet each other in the middle is hard work. So we continued to talk all the way to Dallas. All of our problems aren't fixed, and I know it will always be a work in progress. But that day, I was able to let the hope float to the surface. Hope that I wasn't alone, hope in my husband and best friend, the hope that when I fall he will catch me. He can't fix me, but I have hope that, together, we can put each other back together again.

Projects

Projects are good. They keep the mind working and focused on something else, which in turn burns calories! And the focus re-directs my attention to something else. Something that keeps me busy. So I do the occasional scrap booking, newly introduced to the digital scrap booking world... They make me happy, and happy is healthy--especially in these what can be very UNhappy times. Well now I have decided to take on some other projects, projects that center around my Savanna. So here they are...

One of my projects!

1. Spring for SIDS--April 29 (click here to get detailed information. ) J and I have started a team, and my employer is sponsoring us. We are planning to make SIDS ribbons and handing them out. For every $5 donation, the donater will receive a lapel sticker that they can wear on the day of the event. All of the proceeds from this even goes to the American SIDS Institute for research in the preventions of SIDS and education and family support. If you would like to make a donation in Savanna's name, click on the ribbon right over there on the right. Or you can click right here to go directly to the donation page. (our team name is Savanna's Smiles)If you want to get involved, you can start your own group, be an individual, or join in on our team! Take donations and we'll send the stickers/ribbons.

Balloon Release from her Memorial Service

2. As most of you know Miss Savanna's first Birthday in Heaven is coming up. J and I have discussed numerous times what we would do in her honor. We decided we would have a small party for her with a cake, close friends and family the Saturday before (her Birthday is on a Monday) and than on her actual day we would visit her at her spot and bring her some goodies. Well, for me, that just didn't seem enough. I am getting ready to start her memory book (another project) and I wanted something that seemed more memorable. So today, I was having a not so good day, and in my attempt to redirect my focus and energy, the Lord opened my heart and eyes to a wonderful memorial for her and what could be a new family tradition. In the coming weeks I will design and send out invitations for her Birthday.. for friends and family far and wide will be invited. With these invitations will be balloons; one for each person in the family. On her Birthday everyone will release their balloons--and all I ask is they take some pictures, maybe write a snippet of a thought or brief feeling they had, maybe something they want to tell Savanna and send it back to me. Than we can add all of that love to her book. And to think, she'll see all those balloons floating high in the sky just for her! Sooo... be looking for your balloons! And mark March 28 on your calendars! I'll start an event on FB to post reminders.. for my new friends I would love for you to be involved also! As you have become a part of my world, and my extended family now.

And another.

This seemed a fitting way to remember her.. and another tradition we can start. Another memory of her for her memory book, and another way for her future brothers/sisters to know her.


3. My next project (not my last) I have been wanting to do something carrying on her name. A legacy -- a way to imprint her footprint onto this Earth. So I started to think of that day. When we left the hospital that day November 12th, we left with a small purple box. In this box were 4 pictures, a lock of her hair, her footprints and handprints, and some brochures. It was a sweet gesture, but didn't seem very warm or comforting. The pictures were tossed in there, her hair taped to a piece of the hospitals stationary and the foot/handprints stamped onto one of the same. So I got to thinking.. How can I make this more personable.. more meaningful?

After talking with J we decided we are going to start a new kind of box. A memory box, if you will. We will include a pocket journal where parents can write their thoughts, get phone numbers of people they need, a place to put business cards of hospital staff or investigators. I remember getting so much information that day and talking to so many different people.. but did not retain much if any of it. We have wanted to go back to thank the nurses who worked so dilligantly to try and save our Savanna, but didn't know their names. This journal could be that place to put that info. So than I thought of the pictures they took of her.

They aren't pictures I want to frame around the house or put in the scrap book, but they are our last pictures of her. Because there was an investigation done, the intubation tubes had to stay in, all of it, so the pictures we have are of that. I have only looked at those pictures once, I have not willed myself to look again, and don't know that I will. But I still want them taken with care, and to know they will last through the years inside this box. So we decided we would put a small 4x6 photo album inside as well.

Next to the lock of hair, foot/hand prints. There will be a small bag attached to a more appropriate piece of stationary, along with two blank pages that can be slid into a plastic insert, keeping them better perserved. I honestly couldn't tell you how Savanna's are holding up, like I said I haven't looked in it since that night.

Lastly, we will include websites of places to go to help. Places where they can feel safe to talk to others walking this path. Websites that can help them to remember their little peas. Websites that will allow them to grieve and not feel bad for it, where being in a dark place is ok. Websites that will allow them move forward and not move 'on.' Listing of books that may be of help. And lastly, a guide to plan the funeral. I can remember in those days afterwards feeling so lost.. I can plan her birthday party, I can plan the Christmas party or the family get together--but not a funeral, and most certainly not my baby girl's funeral. A guide to at least give them some direction and to know their options.

Each box would either be for a boy or a girl, tied with a ribbon for the appropriate sex. And there will, of course, be something including keeping the memory of Little Priss alive. Than I will donate these boxes to the local hospitals. Eventually I would like to go outside of our small town city, but start small dream big right? We figured we would start with some of Savanna's money to get a head start and than start taking donations to keep it going... Once I get one box done, I will post pictures.
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Well there you have it. My three projects. I welcome any ideas or ways to maybe get started with the last one. I have never done anything like this before but am diving in head first. My good friend TC has offered to give a hand and help me on this journey. Websites, books or any other ideas would be greatly appreciated.

Well, looks like I got some work to do!


 

A couple random thoughts

I've tried to write something three times. Each time I deleted it. It didn't fit right. It felt awkward and uncomfortable. First I wanted to write about a talk I had with a friend who too walks this path. She said to me, Some days I feel like I never had her, while other days I feel like I'm waiting for her arrival. And I remember reading that sentence over and over and over again. I have felt like that so many days and could never verbalize it. It sounded so crazy in my head, and was a thought that was covered in guilt. But to hear that I was not alone in feeling that way, made me feel less crazy. Made me feel like I was kind of normal for the first time in months. Normality has become such a foreign object, I sometimes feel like a prisoner in my own skin.. I know what it feels like to cry, to hurt and to miss someone so terribly it physically hurts. Trying to find a sense of our new normal, a constant reminder of what I'm going without; what I miss most. Of course I miss all of the things you could think of, but it's the things I'm going to miss-OUT thats been bothering me lately. Milestones that every mother brags about, oogles and ahs over.
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Than I was going to write about her money; it came yesterday. I have told some, all have asked and how do you feel? Truth is, I don't really know. I'm not sure how to process it, or how to feel about it. Somewhere out there, there is a person, a person who put a dollar amount on what they feel the life should be worth. That decided there should be a dollar amount to help the families with the arrangements. All I can think, is that it's her money, we should save it, put it away for her. But than the reality of the situation sinks in like a ton of bricks and the tidal wave knocks me down again. So now we are left with the undaunting task of deciding what we will do with the life insurance money of our daughter, of our baby girl. How do you decide something like that? Spending it has guilt written all over it. We decided to just shove it in the savings account and one day we'll decide. We have ideas... but an idea is just that, an idea. To actually act on that idea.. I'm not sure how that will play out.
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So than I just decided instead that I was going to write about both of them. I wish I had amazing words. I wish I had a different story to tell. One that had more smiles, more laughter, more light. A story that was told with less tears, less dark, less anger. But this is the story of my life. and it's all I have to offer.