February 27, 2011

Struggling

to keep my head above the water. Struggling to stay afloat this world without Savanna. I'm tired.. tired of holding it all in. Tired of smiling at strangers as they walk by with their baby bumps and toddlers in tow. Tired of trying to convince myself I am going to be OK, that I am going to be OK. I am teetering on the edge of losing my mind and letting go of everything. I am tired of waking up everyday and being forced to make the choice to keep going. It's exhausting to sit at that front desk and smile as new couples, old couples, new families, happy families purchase their first homes. Tired of answering the phone with a fake smile on my face. Done with acting like everything is OK on the outside when everything within me has fallen to the floor and shattered into a million pieces.


I'm over it. Done with fighting my own anger, my own mood swings. Tired of bargaining and waiting. Waiting to wake up from my nightmare. I want to be done finding her mismatched socks and misplaced binkies--constant reminders of what I no longer have. I'm sick and tired. Exhausted and spread too thin. Nothing seems to go my way anymore. I have no control over anything. My daughter died. The world keeps spinning and everyone else goes on about their day. People make ignorant and insensitive comments and yet somehow think they are helping. I want to have another baby.. but nope, not going my way. Everything just sucks. And it's all sucking the energy and life from my core.


My daughter wasn't the only thing that died that day. My hopes, my dreams, my future, my normal, my heart, my soul... it all died that day. I can't find my way out of this cluster fuck of emotions and grieving. I'm just tired. Very. Very. Tired. Exhausted. Spent. Done.

And tomorrow, I'll wake up. Force myself to go through my day. Slap a stupid smile on my face. Emit a pitiful and fake laugh from my throat. Make for meaningless conversation. And yet, i will still feel like shit. I will be angry and pissed off. Sad and heartbroken. Empty and hollow. And I am tired of it.


Done. Fin.

8 blessings, thoughts. &. feelings:

LauraJane said...

I'm sorry you're having a rough time right now. It's such bullshit, to have to go through this, to have to suffer... To have to pretend things are okay... To have to force yourself to bite your tongue when people say stupid and insensitive things. To miss your little girl because she's not here. It's not fair. I'm thinking of you.

New Year Mum said...

I can only imagine a fraction of what you're going through... but know that it's a nightmare and entirely unfair. Sorry that people have said insensitive things - some people just don't think. I'm thinking of you and Savanna with all my heart and with you every step of the way. The idea of doing a project in her honour is a lovely idea... and will be a very special part of keeping her memory alive for others too. Looking forward to hearing all about it xo

Tiffany said...

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I just feel like the whole world should stop. I just want to scream "don't you know Julius passed away?!?! why are you going on about your life?" This is not right. I remember finding one of his mitts months after he passed and that sent me into a breakdown. Life is so difficult now. Everything we do takes on a new meaning and most of the time I'm not sure what the point is. ((hugs))

Tiffany said...

Everything you are saying has been through my mind too at least once (truthfully, many many times) since Ellie died. When you lose your baby, everything does change. I am really starting to see that now too. I find it hard to relate to those out in the world. I almost feel like a outsider in my own life now. People keep saying this feeling will go away- I hope they are right. But for now, I think it's ok for us to be mad and frustrated that this is what we are stuck with while everyone else gets to go on with their life. It sucks. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time, if I can do anything to help, please let me know!

TanaLee Davis said...

I so wish I could be there to hug you and comfort your tiered soul. From afar I wish you happiness and for things to start improving. It will never change that Savannah is gone but just bring on a new hope and new beginning. I'm thinking about you my friend-
Felicia

Tena said...

You my dear friend are exhausted. You have to get some rest. I can see you eyes as I type this telling me that resting won't change the fact that she's gone, and no it won't. But it will help you deal with all the crappy emotions. I wish I could take some of the pain away for you. You will come through this and someday you will be looking in the eyes of a younger you telling her all the things I tell you. You'll never ever forget, but you will learn to live. Praying for you!

Shannon said...

I'm a complete stranger who has just happened upon your blog, via the blog of another mommy who lost her baby girl 2 weeks ago.

I'm a new mom to a beautiful 10 month old baby boy. I came across the other woman's blog the day after she lost her daughter, and sobbed so hard my stomach hurt for two days. After reading yours, I'm sure the same thing will be happening. I absolutely CAN NOT imagine the pain you must feel and I'm so amazed by the strength you have. I've never met you. Have no idea where you live. Or how old you are. Or how you take your coffee (if you do - I'm not a coffee drinker, just using that as an example ;-)). But your story has touched me so deeply and shaken me to my core. I read the story of what happened on that horrific day. If my body was physically capable of crying harder, I would have. I lost my mother two years ago, and your hospital story is very similar. The pain of THAT was unbearable - but it's natural to lose your mother at some point in your life (for me it was way too early). But it's so unnatural to lose the life of someone you had given life to! Your BABY! Unimaginable.

Thank you for sharing your story with complete strangers like myself. In doing so, you're turning the term "SIDS" into a very human experience. I'm sure many of us think "it'll never happen to me." Please know, that I will be thinking of you, your husband and sweet little Savanna (as well as the other family I have mentioned) every time I put my baby to bed, hold him tight, kiss him and play with him.

I am so very sorry.

Anonymous said...

I'm a complete stranger..I ran across your blog from someone else that lost her baby. I don't have a bunch of pretty words to say, but I will be praying for you... Your daughter is very beautiful <3....Sacha