to keep my head above the water. Struggling to stay afloat this world without Savanna. I'm tired.. tired of holding it all in. Tired of smiling at strangers as they walk by with their baby bumps and toddlers in tow. Tired of trying to convince myself I am going to be OK, that I am going to be OK. I am teetering on the edge of losing my mind and letting go of everything. I am tired of waking up everyday and being forced to make the choice to keep going. It's exhausting to sit at that front desk and smile as new couples, old couples, new families, happy families purchase their first homes. Tired of answering the phone with a fake smile on my face. Done with acting like everything is OK on the outside when everything within me has fallen to the floor and shattered into a million pieces.
I'm over it. Done with fighting my own anger, my own mood swings. Tired of bargaining and waiting. Waiting to wake up from my nightmare. I want to be done finding her mismatched socks and misplaced binkies--constant reminders of what I no longer have. I'm sick and tired. Exhausted and spread too thin. Nothing seems to go my way anymore. I have no control over anything. My daughter died. The world keeps spinning and everyone else goes on about their day. People make ignorant and insensitive comments and yet somehow think they are helping. I want to have another baby.. but nope, not going my way. Everything just sucks. And it's all sucking the energy and life from my core.
My daughter wasn't the only thing that died that day. My hopes, my dreams, my future, my normal, my heart, my soul... it all died that day. I can't find my way out of this cluster fuck of emotions and grieving. I'm just tired. Very. Very. Tired. Exhausted. Spent. Done.
And tomorrow, I'll wake up. Force myself to go through my day. Slap a stupid smile on my face. Emit a pitiful and fake laugh from my throat. Make for meaningless conversation. And yet, i will still feel like shit. I will be angry and pissed off. Sad and heartbroken. Empty and hollow. And I am tired of it.