This blog is my safe place. A place for me to be vulnerable. A place I don't have to be fake. A place to say and feel whatever has been placed on my plate of life in that moment. It is not a place to evaluate my mental status. There are no hidden meanings, no cries for help. Just me, walking this journey, traveling this path. And I have allowed others into that world. Into my world of grief, loss and much much more. I do this in hopes of others understanding the minds and feelings of a baron armed mama. I am in hopes of spreading Savanna's story. I am in hopes of maybe helping someone else not feel crazy and alone. It is my place, and my sanctuary to sort my dark and sad, happy and confusing thoughts.
I have come to realize that my last posting has had an extreme affect on those who care deeply for me. First and foremost I sincerely and completely appreciate the concern. It is with that love and heartfelt caring that helps me through the days. But with that being said, I will not apologize for it. I hate that I am having to sit here and even justify it. But just to give some insight as to where my mind was at on that specific day. I had received some disheartening comments that cut at my heart from someone very dear to me, someone who thought they were helping but in fact had the opposite affect. I had gotten news that a family member who is one of my number 1's was going to the hospital. And on top of it all, I was trying to prepare myself for the 11 month birthday without Savanna here. In essence, it was quite the emotional, overwhelming day. And so I wrote about a very dark place I was at. That specific day, the shadows over threw the light and the hole in my heart was burning an even bigger one.
See, society has deemed a child loss as something not talked about or discussed. We grieve in silence for fear of upsetting someone else. The moment our angel baby is mentioned the tension feels the room, awkward fidgeting begins and the change of subject happens quickly. If we are not "over" it in a certain amount of time, then something must be wrong with us. Well I am starting to see why one might be apprehensive to Grieve Out Loud and why they crawl back into their hole once a word is spoken of their heart ache. They are judged, ostracized or somehow deemed unstable. All I have simply done is been completely open, honest and raw.. and now here I am justifying why it is OK for me to feel the way I feel. I feel crazy enough in my own mind without others being concerned over my mental capabilities and emotional state. Now it makes sense that this community feels they have to grieve alone and in silence.
And as time goes on things are said, judgements are made and I am realizing more and more that truly only those other baby loss parents can relate to me. These parents of loss are either in that place I am now or have been in that place at some point. It is very dark and ugly and to those on the outside looking in it can look very disconcerting and scary. I am here to tell you, those who care and have shown concern, thank you for that--but I am OK. I will be OK. It was a bad day. Nothing more nothing less. I am allowed to have them and should not have to apologize for them or justify them to anyone. Nor should I feel like I am going to be judged because I have them. But I will tell you that never would I chose to take drastic measures.
1. If I choose to 'end my life' I would not get to greet my Savanna in the Heavens.
2. I am a survivor and fighter. I am not a coward, and I do not give up or give in.
By choosing to end this world I live in would be choosing to give up on Savanna. And that, I can promise will NEVER happen!
From the very beginning, I have told my story, Savanna's story, with raw and pure emotion. No cookie cutting, no sugar coating. This life is very real to me and I have intended to share, from the beginning, every. single. piece. of it. I cannot promise everything will be insightful, meaningful and colorful. There are days that are very dark-very black and grey. It would be dishonest to you, myself, Savanna and my faith to pretend it is anything else.
So I am here to tell you. Make no judgments about me. I am a grieving mother who has lost her only daughter. I am allowed to have bad days. If you cannot handle it, and feel you may try and meddle in my life--it's very simple. Don't read. J and myself are what are most important to me. Everyone else is secondary. He is my family, he is my hope, he is my yesterday, today and tomorrow. He is what gets me through each day. The judgments drag me down and backwards.. a place I have worked very hard to get away from and I do not want to go back to it. So my energy is concentrated on him, my life, our marriage, and my daughter's memory. If you impede on that I have no choice but to leave you behind. It's a cold hard truth.. but it's just that, truth.
I am not unstable. I am not going crazy. I am not even contemplating ending my life. But I am sleep deprived. I am heart broken. I am a mommy with no baby in my arms only memories left. And if you know me, really know me, or if you are walking this path.. you know that what I say is true. Have faith in me that I am a SURVIVOR. I am not strong.. but I AM surviving and fighting. Even survivors and fighters get knocked down once in awhile. I made a promise to Savanna that next day following her last breaths. I promised her I would always get back up no matter how hard or how long the fall--because for her, I will do anything.