March 1, 2011

My Safe Place

This blog is my safe place. A place for me to be vulnerable. A place I don't have to be fake. A place to say and feel whatever has been placed on my plate of life in that moment. It is not a place to evaluate my mental status. There are no hidden meanings, no cries for help. Just me, walking this journey, traveling this path. And I have allowed others into that world. Into my world of grief, loss and much much more. I do this in hopes of others understanding the minds and feelings of a baron armed mama. I am in hopes of spreading Savanna's story. I am in hopes of maybe helping someone else not feel crazy and alone. It is my place, and my sanctuary to sort my dark and sad, happy and confusing thoughts.

I have come to realize that my last posting has had an extreme affect on those who care deeply for me. First and foremost I sincerely and completely appreciate the concern. It is with that love and heartfelt caring that helps me through the days. But with that being said, I will not apologize for it. I hate that I am having to sit  here and even justify it. But just to give some insight as to where my mind was at on that specific day. I had received some disheartening comments that cut at my heart from someone very dear to me, someone who thought they were helping but in fact had the opposite affect. I had gotten news that a family member who is one of my number 1's was going to the hospital. And on top of it all, I was trying to prepare myself for the 11 month birthday without Savanna here. In essence, it was quite the emotional, overwhelming day. And so I wrote about a very dark place I was at. That specific day, the shadows over threw the light and the hole in my heart was burning an even bigger one.

See, society has deemed a child loss as something not talked about or discussed. We grieve in silence for fear of upsetting someone else. The moment our angel baby is mentioned the tension feels the room, awkward fidgeting begins and the change of subject happens quickly. If we are not "over" it in a certain amount of time, then something must be wrong with us. Well I am starting to see why one might be apprehensive to Grieve Out Loud and why they crawl back into their hole once a word is spoken of their heart ache. They are judged, ostracized or somehow deemed unstable. All I have simply done is been completely open, honest and raw.. and now here I am justifying why it is OK for me to feel the way I feel. I feel crazy enough in my own mind without others being concerned over my mental capabilities and emotional state. Now it makes sense that this community feels they have to grieve alone and in silence.

And as time goes on things are said, judgements are made and I am realizing more and more that truly only those other baby loss parents can relate to me. These parents of loss are either in that place I am now or have been in that place at some point. It is very dark and ugly and to those on the outside looking in it can look very disconcerting and scary. I am here to tell you, those who care and have shown concern, thank you for that--but I am OK. I will be OK. It was a bad day. Nothing more nothing less. I am allowed to have them and should not have to apologize for them or justify them to anyone. Nor should I feel like I am going to be judged because I have them. But I will tell you that never would I chose to take drastic measures.

1. If I choose to 'end my life' I would not get to greet my Savanna in the Heavens.
2. I am a survivor and fighter. I am  not a coward, and I do not give up or give in.

By choosing to end this world I live in would be choosing to give up on Savanna. And that, I can promise will NEVER happen!

From the very beginning, I have told my story, Savanna's story, with raw and pure emotion. No cookie cutting, no sugar coating. This life is very real to me and I have intended to share, from the beginning, every. single. piece. of it. I cannot promise everything will be insightful, meaningful and colorful. There are days that are very dark-very black and grey. It would be dishonest to you, myself, Savanna and my faith to pretend it is anything else.

So I am here to tell you. Make no judgments about me. I am a grieving mother who has lost her only daughter. I am allowed to have bad days. If you cannot handle it, and feel you may try and meddle in my life--it's very simple. Don't read. J and myself are what are most important to me. Everyone else is secondary. He is my family, he is my hope, he is my yesterday, today and tomorrow. He is what gets me through each day. The judgments drag me down and backwards.. a place I have worked very hard to get away from and I  do not want to go back to it. So my energy is concentrated on him, my life, our marriage, and my daughter's memory. If you impede on that I have no choice but to leave you behind. It's a cold hard truth.. but it's just that, truth.

I am not unstable. I am not going crazy. I am not even contemplating ending my life. But I am sleep deprived. I am heart broken. I am a mommy with no baby in my arms only memories left. And if you know me, really know me, or if you are walking this path.. you know that what I say is true. Have faith in me that I am a SURVIVOR. I am not strong.. but I AM surviving and fighting. Even survivors and fighters get knocked down once in awhile. I made a promise to Savanna that next day following her last breaths. I promised her I would always get back up no matter how hard or how long the fall--because for her, I will do anything.

11 blessings, thoughts. &. feelings:

RLC said...

Hi. :) I found your blog through Faces of Loss,Faces of Hope. I just wanted to tell you that you ARE strong. Everyday that you go on without your little girl, every day that you go to work, every smile that you smile (whether it be real or not)...just making it through everyday makes you strong. Your blog and your words show incredible strength! I just wanted you to know that.

Your Savanna is so beautiful by the way!

Praying for you and thinking of you everyday.<3

LauraJane said...

I could have written this post. I'm glad you did though, it was much more eloquent than what I might have pieced together...

This, really stuck out to me: "J and myself are what are most important to me. Everyone else is secondary. He is my family, he is my hope, he is my yesterday, today and tomorrow. He is what gets me through each day."

My husband and I have said exactly these things to one another. It's just us, versus "them"... Even though people mean well, they just don't "get" it.

Great post.

Tiffany said...

Well said! Perfect. We should never have to defend our emotions or our need to get them out. Unless you have been there- you don't get it.
The whole "hurting yourself" thing drives me INSANE! I believe there is a huge difference in wanting to be with our babies and not being afraid to die, and wanting to hurt yourself. I feel like I can't say anything without people thinking they should call some crisis hotline and get me admitted somewhere. They just don't get it.
I say, say what you want. WE understand each other. We are here for each other. I think our babies are up in Heaven arranging things just right so that us Mommies meet each other and help each other get through. You're right, we are going to survive. It's not going to always be pretty but we are going to get through- for our babies.

Ali said...


because I won't even pretend I have anything insightful to say. you awe me.

Mary said...

You are a strong woman, Momma! Any woman who can get out of bed every day after losing a child is a strong woman. Yes, we have dark days, but we will survive. Keep on writing! I know it certainly helps me! Let it all out...I have! Life will never be the same, but there is no reason for us to keep quiet. Death of a child will no longer be a taboo if more women like us speak up. It will help our healing. You put into words what I couldn't. Thank you for posting this.

Tiffany said...

this post took my breath away. so well put. especially the last paragraph. we should never have to justify anything to anyone about our feelings. ((hugs))

TanaLee Davis said...

I just recently had a similar reaction from people I love that read my blog. I hate that people who have not experienced such a loss can just judge something or read to deep into something. I too felt the need to explain my blog post and after such a mess over the post I deleted both posts just to keep them from upsetting more. It's a shame that we can not just a have a safe place without any lashing out in a nervous furry. I'm sorry for ya mama...i do are a SURVIVOR and we all support you 100%. Strength is not picking up and moving on- its looking at what happened and being strong enough to be vulnerable and work through the grief and live to tell the story.

New Year Mum said...

We should not feel as though we have to grieve in silence and should be able to say exactly how your feeling without unhelpful reactions. You are very strong and being able to bear your feelings/thoughts to others, even on a dark day, is testament to your strength. With you all the way too xoxo

Anonymous said...

Sending hugs your way!!! I will tell you the same thing I told someone else not too long ago...everyone goes through grief in their own way, in their own time. There is no "set" amount of time that you experience grief. You should never, ever feel guilty for going through grief in "your way" and handling it anyway you chose to. I am thankful after reading your blog that you realize that. Good for you!! And, my prayers are with your ill family member also! My E has been in touch with him and we are praying for all of you! Sending lots of love and prayers your way!! Love ya, Tish

L2L said...

I was reading one of the comments someone had made on your blog and it reminded me of something that I realized when a cousins son passed away in a car crash and she was driving, I think of Joey often but not every day... Sweet Jan thinks of him daily and every thought, emotion and memory is an indication that Joey isn't here.

So I say thank you for sharing your little Bo with us for we will never have a chance to meet her and that seems such a shame!!! It has been 9 years since Joey passed away and Jan is "still" heartbroken and "not over it". I get so frustrated at family members when they make these comments!!! Honestly how does a parent "get over" the lose of a child, I don't think they do.

Anonymous said...

I just came upon your blog today. Throughout the day I have been reading your posts from the beginning. I have never lost a child. I just had my first three months ago. I always wanted to be a parent, that is all that ever mattered to me. Even as a child I understood that the hardest thing a person could go through was a loss of a child, even though i don't even personally know anyone who has. Honestly, it is just common sense. The life you created is gone, you may heal, but youll will never forget. I am appauled that anyone would dare tell you anything negative about your behavior. Even though some of your posts are dark, they are true. What kind of blindfolds do people have on that they can't see that? I haven't lost a baby, but even imagining it makes me want to break, so I commend you. Even if you don't think you are handling it well some days, you are handling it as well as you should be. I understand that imagining myself losing my baby does not compare to the despair I would have if I did lose her, but even the imagination leads me to believe I wouldn't handle it even half as well as you do. I hope that nothing I said offends you.