Memories on Mondays

Everyday I struggle to remember all things Savanna. So here I am to document yet another memory I have stored in the files of my mind. It's one of my favorites. Well, they're all my favorites.. All my memories have their special spots and spaces in my heart and mind. They are numbered and only 7.5 months worth. I won't have new ones to make, so I must recall these old to remember her always.

We had tried several times from the time she turned about 5 months to feed her baby food. We started her off with rice cereal in her bottle and then oatmeal and slowly thickened it up. We would try to feed her with the spoon.. but that never went very well. She tried to suck it rather then eat from it. Then this day, we tried. It was green beans. It was like switch was flipped and suddenly she saw the spoon and knew exactly what to do with it. She couldn't get enough of it!

She was ecstatic at this new flavor.. this new taste in her mouth. She kept grabbing for the jar wanting more. Pushing her tongue everywhere. It was all we could do to not roll over laughing. If we didn't feed her fast enough she would open her mouth, stick out her tongue and look at you with those big ol' eyes. It was enough to melt your heart everywhere. Not only did she not know how to maneuver this new trick, neither did mommy and daddy. Hence.. food EVERYWHERE! We would sit her in her little bumbo, wrap a blanket around her, strap on a bib and go to town.

Meal time became one of my favorites with her. She LOVED to eat. Fruits and veggies.. didn't matter what it was. If she could eat it, she would! Peas, carrots, squash, green beans. All of it. 

I love looking back at these pictures. I'm taken back to that time and that place. Makes me remember that yes she is real, and she was really here. Some days I feel like I'm walking someone else's life. That I'm in someone else's skin. Only to have the abrupt realization that this is my life and my skin.. and there's no turning back time or waking up from the nightmare.
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As we move further away from that day.. I feel that I am moving further away from her. I know that I can never forget her, and I know that she will always be my daughter...I don't need to be told that.. the difference is that it doesn't always FEEL that way. It's a struggle each day to stay connected with her, to keep her at the very top of it all. Some days she's fading into the background while other days she's extraordinarily vibrant. It scares me.. feeling this way. In my mind I know that I'll always remember and I'll never forget.. but my heart, and my feelings.. they seem to be tugging.

I often wonder if it's just satan trying to make his move. One of my very best friends KB has brought his up several times and it really makes me think. These reactions, these feelings that I'm having. Is it God just trying to shield me from the pain.. or is it satan just poking me at my most weakest and vulnerable moments? How am I to know? The love with which the Lord graces us is apparent in so many everyday acts and wonderous beauties, yet sometimes I feel like I'm drowning just trying to find that within myself. It's a battle between good and evil in a sense. This grief thing.. it's a confusing and sick circle of emotions. No matter which place you're at, you always end up feeling something similar that you did before. Sure they say you can go back to certain 'steps' many many times, but sometimes you're stuck in between two different ones. Both of them threatening to tear you to pieces.

When I feel these pieces ripping, and I feel like satan himself is trying to wage a war on my inner thoughts, I remember Savanna. I look at her pictures and recall the memories and snippets in time. I only have few of them.. but I have some. And as I look at these pictures I see it and I am reminded. I am reminded of the love and the grace bestowed upon us by God. She is a child of Christ, as I am.. and even though I don't always want to admit it, she was just on loan to us. God loved her first, and loves her now.. And he hand picked me to be her momma and J to be her daddy. He knew there was something in us that would be able to nurture her and love her in just the way he needed it done. And we did, and we did it so well that he needed her back; sooner then we were ready, but our purpose was served and hers completed. I saw a quote the other day.. I can't remember where. But when I read it.. the words resonated to the core of my being and stuck like a tack to me. So I would like to leave you with it... 

"Some people only dream of angels, I held one in my arms."