March 14, 2011

Memories on Mondays

Everyday I struggle to remember all things Savanna. So here I am to document yet another memory I have stored in the files of my mind. It's one of my favorites. Well, they're all my favorites.. All my memories have their special spots and spaces in my heart and mind. They are numbered and only 7.5 months worth. I won't have new ones to make, so I must recall these old to remember her always.
We had tried several times from the time she turned about 5 months to feed her baby food. We started her off with rice cereal in her bottle and then oatmeal and slowly thickened it up. We would try to feed her with the spoon.. but that never went very well. She tried to suck it rather then eat from it. Then this day, we tried. It was green beans. It was like switch was flipped and suddenly she saw the spoon and knew exactly what to do with it. She couldn't get enough of it!
She was ecstatic at this new flavor.. this new taste in her mouth. She kept grabbing for the jar wanting more. Pushing her tongue everywhere. It was all we could do to not roll over laughing. If we didn't feed her fast enough she would open her mouth, stick out her tongue and look at you with those big ol' eyes. It was enough to melt your heart everywhere. Not only did she not know how to maneuver this new trick, neither did mommy and daddy. Hence.. food EVERYWHERE! We would sit her in her little bumbo, wrap a blanket around her, strap on a bib and go to town.
Meal time became one of my favorites with her. She LOVED to eat. Fruits and veggies.. didn't matter what it was. If she could eat it, she would! Peas, carrots, squash, green beans. All of it. 
I love looking back at these pictures. I'm taken back to that time and that place. Makes me remember that yes she is real, and she was really here. Some days I feel like I'm walking someone else's life. That I'm in someone else's skin. Only to have the abrupt realization that this is my life and my skin.. and there's no turning back time or waking up from the nightmare.
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As we move further away from that day.. I feel that I am moving further away from her. I know that I can never forget her, and I know that she will always be my daughter...I don't need to be told that.. the difference is that it doesn't always FEEL that way. It's a struggle each day to stay connected with her, to keep her at the very top of it all. Some days she's fading into the background while other days she's extraordinarily vibrant. It scares me.. feeling this way. In my mind I know that I'll always remember and I'll never forget.. but my heart, and my feelings.. they seem to be tugging.

I often wonder if it's just satan trying to make his move. One of my very best friends KB has brought his up several times and it really makes me think. These reactions, these feelings that I'm having. Is it God just trying to shield me from the pain.. or is it satan just poking me at my most weakest and vulnerable moments? How am I to know? The love with which the Lord graces us is apparent in so many everyday acts and wonderous beauties, yet sometimes I feel like I'm drowning just trying to find that within myself. It's a battle between good and evil in a sense. This grief thing.. it's a confusing and sick circle of emotions. No matter which place you're at, you always end up feeling something similar that you did before. Sure they say you can go back to certain 'steps' many many times, but sometimes you're stuck in between two different ones. Both of them threatening to tear you to pieces.

When I feel these pieces ripping, and I feel like satan himself is trying to wage a war on my inner thoughts, I remember Savanna. I look at her pictures and recall the memories and snippets in time. I only have few of them.. but I have some. And as I look at these pictures I see it and I am reminded. I am reminded of the love and the grace bestowed upon us by God. She is a child of Christ, as I am.. and even though I don't always want to admit it, she was just on loan to us. God loved her first, and loves her now.. And he hand picked me to be her momma and J to be her daddy. He knew there was something in us that would be able to nurture her and love her in just the way he needed it done. And we did, and we did it so well that he needed her back; sooner then we were ready, but our purpose was served and hers completed. I saw a quote the other day.. I can't remember where. But when I read it.. the words resonated to the core of my being and stuck like a tack to me. So I would like to leave you with it... 

"Some people only dream of angels, I held one in my arms."  






9 blessings, thoughts. &. feelings:

Franchesca said...

It's so crazy how we can really be caught between two 'steps' in grief. I so often feel that way, like wow- she was really here. Thank you for sharing your precious memories of your baby girl. It must have been so much fun to watch her eat once she knew what to do!!

xoxo

Natasha said...

These pictures are so beautiful! Thank you for sharing her! You are so right that grief is a crazy circle of emotions. I go back and forth between the stages all the time. I'm praying for you mama.

((hugs))

crystal said...

Tabatha,
Sometimes you may think that she is fading away from your memory but you know that she will never leave your heart. She took a piece of it with her. You couldn't have put it any better. I like to think of it the in the way you said it. They are only given to us on loan and we are chosen to be their parents. And we did such a Great Job that God wanted them back. Only He could love them more. I pray that tonight you have the sweetest dreams of Savanna so your memory can be refreshed and you can remember all the little details about her. Another thing that you said that touched me was that maybe they were fading away because of God trying to shield you from the pain. Scripture says that He will not put any more on us than what we can bare. I believe this. If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it and when Satan tries getting you down, just rebuke him because He can't cross that bloodline. Praying for you.

LauraJane said...

She was obviously quite the character! :)

I understand the torn feeling, only too well. I pray things become easier to bare, though obviously it will never be fixed.

New Year Mum said...

Such a gorgeous memory of your beautiful Savanna... thank you for sharing your precious memories of her. That quote resonates with me. Thinking of you and hoping each day brings more peace. You are an amazing and brave mother... now and forever xoxo

Julia said...

I will continue to pray for you - I do every day and think of you, J and Savanna each and every day. I so wish I could take all the hurt and the pain away and make everything better. And remember: Proverbs 3:6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

I love you!

Mary said...

She will always be there, in your heart...memories may fade but that's what pictures are for. You won't forget her, she will certainly make sure of that! And, btw, I love the look on her face in the second pic! Her eyes just say "Wow! What was THAT?!" Very sweet, thank you so much for giving us a glimpse in to her life!

RLC said...

Hi Tabatha,
I love your new blog over, it's simply beautiful. And your memories, as always, are breath taking and speak to the heart. I tried to post a comment on your blog last night, but I don't think it worked. And then I tried to send you a message via Facebook, but I couldn't link my blog in my message so I couldn't send the message.:) Since reading your story on Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope, I have been trying to think of something to do in honor of your Savanna. Last night I searched for and tried something on a whim, and made a little tribute to Savanna on my blog. I spelled your name wrong (so sorry!!) as the only Tabatha I have ever known spelled her name "Tabitha". The link to my blog is:

http://hersecretispatience-rlc.blogspot.com/

It's not much, but I hope you like it. :) I think of you and Savanna everyday.

<3 Rebecca

AnnaMarie said...

Oh look at Savanna's beautiful, huge eyes in the second photo! Thank you for sharing this lovely memory of your daughter.