I have been in hiding. Can you tell? Partly it was because J and had a get-a-way this past weekend.
Our very dear and wonderful friends.. scratch that--family.. have made some huge decisions in their lives. A decision that will change their course-their journey for the better. And we just had to be there to be their number one fans! These wonderful people also happen to be Savanna's Godparents.. and they are pretty phenomenal people! Things haven't always been easy and simple for them.. but they have shown me that with the Faith in the Lord, love and compassion for one another.. you can surpass all things crappy! Because of the B's, I am a better child of Christ, wife, mother and friend. They have seen me at my most darkest and helped me out, but have been there at the most brightest, and yet still lifted me up. The Lord knew we needed them in our lives.. for many reasons I could not even begin to verbally express. The human language is so limited, there just aren't enough words in the English language. So to you Mr and Mrs B.. Godfather and Godmama to Savanna--thank you. Thank you for holding my hand through the happy and the sad. Thank you for getting me and all my idiosyncrasies. Thank you for always being true to me, and telling me not always what I WANTED to hear, but what I NEEDED to hear. Thank you for being my voice of reasoning.. but most of all. Thank you for letting me grieve for Savanna and not feel guilty. Thank you for letting me rant and rage, cry and laugh without ever judging. But most of all... thank you for being YOU. Our lives are brighter because of YOU!
Mostly I have been sneaking back into my hole due to the week to come. In less then a week.. we will be celebrating Savanna's first Birthday. Except one very intricate piece to the picture as a whole will be missing. The guest of honor.. the birthday girl. She won't be there.. not in the form that I would like at least. And in the past few days, it's starting to become less surreal and very much REAL. And I don't like it.
Sure, I've been planning things. I sent out 50+ invitations for her balloon release, set up an event on FB for all to attend, blogged about it several times.. but it was always something off in the distance. Something that I wouldn't REALLY have to deal with. In my mind somehow, I still think I'm going to wake up. So, I have twisted it around.. I fake it. I pretend that she really will be there. That I will wake up on that day to her sweet little coo's over the baby monitor. I have dreamed of that day in my mind.. thought of every little detail. I started planning her first birthday when she was merely hours old. I already had her little hat and tutu. I had her birthday outfits picked out. But now.. now it's becoming the actuality of it all. The realness of the crap pot that the universe has delivered me is no longer a dream. I am waking up and realizing that she's not going to be there. There will be no tutu's or first birthday hats.. no first birthday pictures with the front teeth grin. No cake in the face pictures or punch to serve. No party favors to make or goody bags to pass out. There will be no presents.. no tearing or crinkling of paper and scattered bows and ribbons.
Instead there will be photographs of balloons we send to Heaven. Notes and letters that we write to her. A visit to her spot with birthday flowers and wishes. A moment for J and I to try to cling to what was once our family. Thinking about plates and cups, cakes and balloons, helium tanks and tablecloths.. it makes me sick. It throws it all in my face and gets waved around, teasing me of what I no longer have. Because I'm planning a celebration to celebrate a life that is no longer here. A life that came and blessed me for 7.5 months. And now I have to try with every fiber and ounce of strength I have left to try to remember her, to remember Savanna. I don't want that day to come. I remember her birth like it was yesterday. And instead of feeling that pureness, that joy, that fulfillment as I finally got to become a mommy for real.. I will feel empty, heartbroken, lost and voided. My mommy membership has been taken away. It's been cancelled. I read on a friend's blog and she said "my mommy membership has been revoked." ain't that the truth! At least that's how it feels.
So forgive me for shying away and being less then social. My heart is breaking and I'm trying to pick up the pieces but it's shattered into a million pieces. It's as if someone is trailing behind me holding the pieces for me.. but he can't keep up. For every time they seem to fit back together, they shatter into a million more. So, I have pretended this life doesn't exist. I have pretended that everything is normal. But thinking of plates and balloons pictures and cake, I have realized I can't pretend anymore. I have to face it.. I have to face it full force with my whole heart. It's not about what I want.. what I want I can't have, It's about what I have to do. And I have to keep going. I have to continue to survive. It hurts like hell.. to feel like I am moving forward without her. But in my heart and in my memories, I know is where she now resides. I wish it were different. I will wish this for the rest of my life I'm sure. Be patient with me, be kind, be compassionate.. help me find my way out of this very dark deep hole.
I thought it was supposed to get better with time? Time seems to be at a standstill and the dirt is turning to mud to quicksand and it's getting harder and harder to pull myself to the opening.
So you see, sometimes I would just rather hide. Hide and pretend.. because in that little nook.. everything does seem to be OK. But I will make a promise that I won't stay in there forever.. just for now...