March 21, 2011

Hiding

I have been in hiding. Can you tell? Partly it was because J and had a get-a-way this past weekend.
------
Our very dear and wonderful friends.. scratch that--family.. have made some huge decisions in their lives. A decision that will change their course-their journey for the better. And we just had to be there to be their number one fans! These wonderful people also happen to be Savanna's Godparents.. and they are pretty phenomenal people! Things haven't always been easy and simple for them.. but they have shown me that with the Faith in the Lord, love and compassion for one another.. you can surpass all things crappy! Because of the B's, I am a better child of Christ, wife, mother and friend. They have seen me at my most darkest and helped me out, but have been there at the most brightest, and yet still lifted me up. The Lord knew we needed them in our lives.. for many reasons I could not even begin to verbally express. The human language is so limited, there just aren't enough words in the English language. So to you Mr and Mrs B.. Godfather and Godmama to Savanna--thank you. Thank you for holding my hand through the happy and the sad. Thank you for getting me and all my idiosyncrasies. Thank you for always being true to me, and telling me not always what I WANTED to hear, but what I NEEDED to hear. Thank you for being my voice of reasoning.. but most of all. Thank you for letting me grieve for Savanna and not feel guilty. Thank you for letting me rant and rage, cry and laugh without ever judging. But most of all... thank you for being YOU. Our lives are brighter because of YOU!
------
Mostly I have been sneaking back into my hole due to the week to come. In less then a week.. we will be celebrating Savanna's first Birthday. Except one very intricate piece to the picture as a whole will be missing. The guest of honor.. the birthday girl. She won't be there.. not in the form that I would like at least. And in the past few days, it's starting to become less surreal and very much REAL. And I don't like it.

Sure, I've been planning things. I sent out 50+ invitations for her balloon release, set up an event on FB for all to attend, blogged about it several times.. but it was always something off in the distance. Something that I wouldn't REALLY have to deal with. In my mind somehow, I still think I'm going to wake up. So, I have twisted it around.. I fake it. I pretend that she really will be there. That I will wake up on that day to her sweet little coo's over the baby monitor. I have dreamed of that day in my mind.. thought of every little detail. I started planning her first birthday when she was merely hours old. I already had her little hat and tutu. I had her birthday outfits picked out. But now.. now it's becoming the actuality of it all. The realness of the crap pot that the universe has delivered me is no longer a dream. I am waking up and realizing that she's not going to be there. There will be no tutu's or first birthday hats.. no first birthday pictures with the front teeth grin. No cake in the face pictures or punch to serve. No party favors to make or goody bags to pass out. There will be no presents.. no tearing or crinkling of paper and scattered bows and ribbons.

Instead there will be photographs of balloons we send to Heaven. Notes and letters that we write to her. A visit to her spot with birthday flowers and wishes. A moment for J and I to try to cling to what was once our family. Thinking about plates and cups, cakes and balloons, helium tanks and tablecloths.. it makes me sick. It throws it all in my face and gets waved around, teasing me of what I no longer have. Because I'm planning a celebration to celebrate a life that is no longer here. A life that came and blessed me for 7.5 months. And now I have to try with every fiber and ounce of strength I have left to try to remember her, to remember Savanna. I don't want that day to come. I remember her birth like it was yesterday. And instead of feeling that pureness, that joy, that fulfillment as I finally got to become a mommy for real.. I will feel empty, heartbroken, lost and voided. My mommy membership has been taken away. It's been cancelled. I read on a friend's blog and she said "my mommy membership has been revoked." ain't that the truth! At least that's how it feels.

So forgive me for shying away and being less then social. My heart is breaking and I'm trying to pick up the pieces but it's shattered into a million pieces. It's as if someone is trailing behind me holding the pieces for me.. but he can't keep up. For every time they seem to fit back together, they shatter into a million more. So, I have pretended this life doesn't exist. I have pretended that everything is normal. But thinking of plates and balloons pictures and cake, I have realized I can't pretend anymore. I have to face it.. I have to face it full force with my whole heart. It's not about what I want.. what I want I can't have, It's about what I have to do. And I have to keep going. I have to continue to survive. It hurts like hell.. to feel like I am moving forward without her. But in my heart and in my memories, I know is where she now resides. I wish it were different. I will wish this for the rest of my life I'm sure. Be patient with me, be kind, be compassionate.. help me find my way out of this very dark deep hole.

I thought it was supposed to get better with time? Time seems to be at a standstill and the dirt is turning to mud to quicksand and it's getting harder and harder to pull myself to the opening.

So you see, sometimes I would just rather hide. Hide and pretend.. because in that little nook.. everything does seem to be OK. But I will make a promise that I won't stay in there forever.. just for now...

16 blessings, thoughts. &. feelings:

OurCarsAndCops said...

Tabatha- I thought about you all week. I bought something to send you for next week. You and J are in my thoughts always. Hide as long as you need to. Take time to gather your thoughts and emotions, and when your ready I'll be here. If you need someone to talk, please don't ever be afraid to call. I will never judge you. Real friends should never judge. Love you girl!

-April

New Year Mum said...

So sorry that you've been feeling like you're in quicksand... I don't know that it gets better or easier with time - maybe we just get slowly better at managing the pain. I can only imagine a fraction of what you're going through and my heart goes out to you for her first birthday. Such a lovely idea to do a balloon release... I will be with you there in spirit xoxo

TanaLee Davis said...

Tabatha,
you have every right to walk away from your blog or whatever you need for a while. Its okay to feel the way you feel...it part of this journey that we all walk at some point. You are reaching a dream that has changed. You are stepping forward to a important date that is now bitter sweet. It's okay. You'll make it through that day. I'm sure that this coming day will surprise you in ways you can't imagine. You'll make it, trust in yourself and allow others to help you. Hugs mama...this day won't be easy but your not alone. We, I have been there.
~Felicia

Anonymous said...

You will always be a mommy. Savanna will always be with you. And NEVER feel guilty for grieving your beautiful daughter. <3

Be sure to post some pics of the balloon release..I would love to see them!

Sacha

Natasha said...

Oh Tabatha I am so very sorry that you are having a rough time- it's totally understandable so don't feel bad for walking away from your blog for awhile.

I was thinking about you this weekend- I saw a beautiful little ladybug on my patio and I thought of you and Miss Savanna.....so sweet and lovely!

I'm thinking of you today and praying hard that God continues to carry you in his arms and sends you some peace.

Hugs mama!!!

Mary said...

I wish I could be there to celebrate Savanna's first birthday with you. I know its going to be a hard day, but she'll be right there with you, waiting for those balloons to reach her so she can play with them. Thinking about you often momma!

Tiffany said...

i understand how you feel. exactly. it's so hard. everything is so hard. life is so hard. being a mom and then having it ripped away is so hard. know that i am thinking about you and Savanna. i will be keeping you lifted in thoughts and prayers as we head straight toward this huge milestone day together.

Savanna, we miss you so much baby girl. pls stay extra close to your mommy and daddy during these very rough days. pls send them down extra comfort. and pls pls say hi to my baby boy, Julius, for me. </3

Christie said...

Savanna will always be in your heart, and through your words and memories, she now lives in the hearts of many people around the world. Thank you for sharing Savanna with us. I will be sending lots love and prayers your way.

CJ said...

I just found your blog through Maddie's mommy. My heart aches for your loss. My thoughts are with you as her first birthday approaches.

jackie w said...

thank you so much for the cd i will always keep you and yours in my heart and i am always thinking of you and justin i know everything in time will be ok just keep the fath and i know you will love ya much tabatha

Courtney Mayfield said...

Tabatha I will be praying for you and your entire family. On my son Dylan's birthday every year (he's now 11) we release balloons with our family. We have been out there in rain, snow, sleet and beautiful sunshine and will continue to be for as long as God has me here on earth and Dylan in Heaven.
If you ever need a mom who has been where you are I would love to talk with you in any way.
Thanks for encouraging a mom who has grieved for 11 years you are truly a blessing to so many people.
Courtney Mayfield

Jaymee said...

Tabatha.

I have spent my entire day reading your blog. I'm not even sure how I came across it, but I did, and I'm having so many emotions.

I wanted to cry, laugh, scream, so many different emotions as I read through your story, your life. I can't even imagine the loss you've had to endure.

I myself don't have children, but can only imagine how difficult it must be to bring such a beautiful life to this earth and have it taken away in just an instant.

I guess I just wanted you to know that you have touched my life and I will think and pray of you, J and Savanna often. You are a strong woman and I hope you accomplish whatever you are wanting to do, in honor of your sweet baby girl.

-Jaymee
Salt Lake City, UT

Rebecca said...

Tabatha,

There are no words. I am just in tears for you. I am so sorry. No Mom should have to endure this type of loss, pain, and grief....it makes me want to scream. My family and I will be releasing 3 balloons for Savanna on her birthday. One form my 4 year old son, one from my 13 month old daughter, and one from me. I will sure to take pictures and send them to you. :) Hold on tight with everything you have. You are stronger than you know. Savanna is always with you. Hugs Mama <3

Rebecca

Tiffany said...

Sweet Tabatha,
I wish I could give you a hug! My heart hurts for you! Reading your entry today made me sick to my stomach. I remember feeling exactly how you are feeling in the week leading up to Ellie's birthday. I remember being busy and stressed about getting everything organized and then super mad that I was having a party with no birthday girl. It's not fair.
I know it feels like you got your Mommy license revoked but you will always be Savanna's Mommy. Nothing can change that. And Savanna must be so proud of what her Mommy is planning for her birthday. I wish I could be there with you to celebrate your beautiful little girl. We will have our own little celebration here in Minnesota. And I know, there is going to be a big 1st birthday party up in Heaven. Savanna and all her angels friends will look down on all the balloons being released for her and she will know how loved she is.
Big, big hug to you!! Please let me know if I can do anything!!

Belinda said...

I have been reading your blog for a while now and can't help but cry for the loss of your little girl. I myself have never lost a child, so I can't say that I know your pain, and I won't go as far as to say that I can even understand a tiny sliver of the pain you are feeling. A few weeks ago I was having one 'those' days(i have my own monsters) and a lady bug landed on my shoulder. I honest to God felt better. I had heard about the lady bug meaning good luck and that things would start getting better. Later that same day I read your previous post about your lady bug, and I cried. My heart goes out for you and your family. I can't imagine what you are going through. I felt the need to write this to you today because you wrote that your mommy card had been revoked and I think that your Mommy card has been upgraded. You are now the mommy to a beautiful angel in heaven. A beautiful angel who is on the side of the Lord. Your card can never be canceled: your daughter will never feel pain, no one will be able to hurt her, she is with the Lord. Forever happy and forever alive in the hearts of the people she has touched and in the lives of people who have never met her.

crystal said...

Tabatha,
You know that I am here for you and that I am praying for you every single day. The only way you are going to be able to make it, is with the help of God and I am so glad you know that. I wish there were things people could say or do to take out pain away but there isn't. Time doesn't always heal the pain, it make it harder and make you miss them that much more. I just know that I can't wait until that day we get to see them again and see Jesus and thank him for being such a good babysitter. In that book I told you about, the little boy told his dad that Jesus loves children and he is the best babysitter ever. Jesus even got the Angels to sing to his little boy because he was scared and wanted his mom and dad. Another that I loved about that book was that, he got to see all his loved one. So yes, they even get to meet their grandparents and they know who they are. That gave me such peace because my great grandmother used to keep me when I was a child and to know that she is keeping my baby now, it just thrills me. Also there are animals there, so I know that if my child is anything like me, he/she loves it there because they get to see our pets. (We are animal lovers lol) Anyway I hope this week gets better for you. I am glad you enjoyed your time away. Praying for you in the weeks to come (well I do every day but extra prayers right now).