March 7, 2011

Memories on Mondays

This blog has become a wonderful place for me to vent, to find friends, sort my thoughts, be real.. and so much more. I also wan this place to be one that I can remember. I can feel some of my Savanna memories fading from my mind. It scares me.. it's how I stay connected with her. It's how I make myself feel close to her still. So I have decided at least once a week.. if not more--but at least once, I am going to remember. I am going to live in the past for a few minutes out of the day. I am going to go back to that place with Savanna. And than maybe, when I feel that anxious feeling of forgetting, I can read back and look back and be reminded. I feel her slipping from me... I will do anything to keep that from happening.

I loathe doing laundry. Absolutely despise it. I am an instant gratification kind of person.. with laundry you have ZERO gratification. As soon as all laundry is finished.. the basket is already half full. I don't mind throwing it in.. it's the folding and the putting away that I detest the most. If I could, I would hire someone to come in and just do my laundry. Well on this particular weekend I was getting ready to start laundry. Savanna was going through a stage of separation anxiety. As soon as you left the room... the waterworks would start. As soon as I stepped foot back into the room, she would look up at me with her big blue eyes and smile.. how could I not sit with her? Well, the laundry was hauntingly calling my name, and the hours in the day were dwindling down. I had to get it down.. or we would have no underwear for the week!

So, I leave the room.. and whatya know.. she starts crying. Well, I started thinking.. how can I get her to be with me while I do the laundry.. and than it hit me. I ran to the room (yes she is still crying) grab the laundry basket and bring it into the living room. Pick her up and....

Do you totally dig the carrot covered bib?!?
and plopped her right in the laundry basket. How convenient right?! Now she could sit there and see me.. play in the clothes.. and I could still take care of mommy business! So of course, I am picture crazy and had to take some pictures... and she very willingly posed for the camera. She is a total HAM!!
We were about to go do the laundry, when I heard daddy pull up. (He was out shopping I believe) So I turned her towards the door so she could greet him at the door.
She sees her daddy through the door! You can see the sides of her tiny mouth beginning to curl.. and a little spark in her eye. She loves her daddy!! He laughed at me.. laughed at her and scooped her up. Well now I could continue doing laundry without fussing or crying. Daddy entertained and mommy cleaned. Go figure! Well it was time to fold the clothes. Remember that's my least favorite part. And of course as I fold.. Savanna wants to UN-fold..

It would always make me laugh.. the folded clothes were a magnet. As soon as they were folded she made a bee line for them. I would start to get a little annoyed.. but then I would look at her little face.
I mean look at that face.. could you get mad at that?? Laundry just isn't the same anymore. But I am so thankful I have these moments to reflect on.

I have been missing the little things today..

those little tootsies

Those little hands

the sad face.. my favorite face

I miss it all.. wishing her breaths were with mine.. her heart beating next to me. Missing her love.

10 blessings, thoughts. &. feelings:

New Year Mum said...

Such a lovely idea to write down memories of her... she looks like such an angel in your photos. Thank you for sharing memories of her xoxo

Brittney said...

I'm so glad you had taken lots and lots of pictures!! I can imagine that all your pictures will bring you back to each memory of each picture, you won't forget her. You are a wonderful mother, and you are intune with your instincts. Go with whatever you feel, make no apologies, and just remember that God is merciful. He will bless you with the tender mercies at the right moments as he has before. I know it's how he sends his love. I love you, you're always on my mind and in my prayers.

LauraJane said...

Such a beautiful post, such wonderful photos to have. Savanna is a gorgeous little girl.

I miss my baby's crying face too. So precious. :)

TanaLee Davis said...

You will one day thank yourself for doing this. I thank myself for keeping a record of TanaLee's life through pictures and video. I too feel like the memories are slipping from my mind...but I always have those vids and photos. :)
Now you have the blog to keep up on the memories.

crystal said...

I don't think your memory of Savanna could ever fade away. Just know that she is always with you and her daddy, watching over you. I am praying for you daily and I wake up every morning to read all the blogs of my friends and yes I cry with you all. That's what friends are for, they are there to cry with you, laugh with you, and pray for you. I know you don't know me personally but I feel like I know you guys from following your blogs. I pray that God gives you strength and a wonderful dream tonight so that you can remember all the little things that made you smile while she was with you. God does have a little Angel with him. She was BEAUTIFUL.
Love in Christ,

Tiffany said...

And I'm crying. Such a great memory. I can totally picture it too. Juju did the same thing. He liked to see momma. He liked to be held and he would get a little fussy when he couldn't see anyone. I miss our babies :'(

Tiffany said...

The idea of forgetting any bit of our babies is terrifying. I know it's impossible to remember everything but I don't want to forget anything. I love these pictures of Savanna. She is so cute and you can just see how happy she was to be near you! Ellie was the same way, she didn't like to be without me but as long as she was nearby by she was content to watch everything and just be her happy little self. People keep telling me that eventually the memories will just start flooding back. Once the pain starts to recede a little bit, our minds will automatically focus on the the happy times we had with our babies. I hope they are right.

Mary said...

Beautiful memory. Thank you for letting us in on such a special moment in your life and Savanna's life.

RLC said...

<33 Thinking of you Mom <33

crystal said...

Tabatha, I posted this on my blog for all of the mommies whose blogs I follow. I wasn't sure if you guys would see it on my page so I am trying to post it on each of your pages. I found this poem today and it touched me and I hope it touches you. Praying for you!!!
I'm An Angel Now
Author Unknown
One night I cried to Jesus
As I sat beneath the tree;
I looked up into the open sky
And hoped He'd answer me.

"I'm lost dear lord...
I've traveled far but still I seem to roam;
Please light the way and lead me, Lord,
I need to get back home."

I told him of my burdens
And of the sadness in my heart;
That from his gracious love
I'd never felt so far apart.

"Why did you take my child, Lord?
I cannot understand!
No longer can I touch her face
Or hold her tiny hand."

"I'm angry, Lord... I'm missing her,
I'm drowning in my sorrow;
Please help to heal my yesterday
And face each new tomorrow."

It was then I heard her gentle voice
And felt her presence near;
How I wanted so to hold her
As I cried another tear.

She said "Mommy, I'm an angel now,
My spirit will be free;
I'm an angel now in heaven,
So please don't cry for me."

"I was chosen by our Lord above
And now I'm in His care;
Whenever you need me,
Just look inside your heart;
I promise to be there."

"No one can ever take away
Our bond with one another:
For I'll always be your precious child,
As you will always be my mother."

"So if you cannot find your way
Or the road to home seems far;
Just look up to the Heavens
And I'll be your guiding star."

She said "Mommy, I'm an angel now,
My spirit will be free;
I'm an angel now in Heaven...
There's no need to cry for me."