As I sit here and ponder.. I am left to think how much in this last week I have neglected this spot. This very special place that has become such an escape and a therapy. A comfort and a sort of friend. I have neglected others blogs and reading their trials, struggles, milestones, and journey's. I have come to a conclusion..
today we had a small birthday celebration for Savanna. Although her birthday is not until Monday, we wanted to do something small for her to include our closest family and friends. As we sang Happy Birthday the reality of what has actually happened smacked me in the face. It became as real as real can be.. I was not singing to the happy one year old gorging down on some cake, but an angel in heaven watching us from above. And in that moment, the weight of the world and all of my stresses had weighed heavily on my shoulders. And it all made sense. I know before I said I was hiding.. which I think I still kind of am. But more then hiding.. I have been scared.
I have submerged myself into this silly planning and small details. But when it came to lighting her candle.. J and I looked to each other. Do we sing, do we blow out the candles.. what do we do?? And then those around us started to sing and I realized we were truly moving forward. I have felt guilty and angry. Guilty that I was planning a birthday without her, angry because I was planning a birthday without her. Sure, tell me that I shouldn't feel that way. Tell me that she is always with me. Tell me that she is having the best birthday in heaven. Guess what? It still hurts. It still sucks. And it still remains that I don't have a bouncing and bubbly 1 year old sitting on my lap. Instead, I have tear stained cheeks and broken hearted pieces.
I went outside, to breathe.. get some air. Get away from the people surrounding us. I was suffocating and needed something to breathe. I didn't think it was going to be that hard.. and to think.. it's not even her birthday yet. I'm not sure what I thought it was going to be.. but I didn't expect that, and it came out from left field and sat it's ass right in front of me.
But I'm digressing.. we went outside. To escape the suffocation.
J put out the candles.. we couldn't muster the strength to blow them out.. they handed me the knife to cut the cake. I stood there frozen--I couldn't take the knife. Cutting her cake.. I couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to cut into a cake she would never get to taste. Never get to dive her face into. Never get to squish between her fingers and get stuck in her nose and ears. I had it pictured you know. The pink birthday girl hat with the pink tutu.. face first in her special chocolate cake.. flashes from cameras snapping.. everyone giggling and cracking up as she went to town on her cake. But no, instead--I was going to have to cut it. And I couldn't.
I digress again.. like I said.. we went outside.
My sweet and very best friend KB was there with her family. And she spotted something.. i was trying to let the air fill my lungs.. trying to 'hold it together' on the outside while every piece of me was shattering on the inside. I thought she was just walking over to talk to the kiddos.. then I heard her say ladybug.. what??
So I walked over.. she saw one flying.. we looked and looked. And what do you know.. A ladybug! A smile was brought to my face as I finally saw my first ladybug of the season. And what a perfect day for it to come! It didn't put me back together.. but it brought some of those pieces back that had been lost into oblivion. It brought back some bits of hope and light. The Lord allowed these beautiful little creatures to bless me in this moment. And I knew Savanna was right there with me.. carrying me through these moments. It was a beautiful moment.. I immediately picked her up and brought her in the house to show everyone..
That's not all I wanted to write about it.. her birthday is still coming. That day specifically.. a year ago from Monday.. I gave birth to my sweet little Savanna. As I sit and think about that day.. and how she took us completely by surprise in so many ways.. I also began to think of that person. That other Tabatha. The person I used to be. I find myself envying that person. The 'old' me.. the pre-dead daughter me.. I always knew of all the things that could happen. The things to be aware of. Ways to reduce risks.. but like so many.. I was naive.. I just knew I was the exception to the rule. Nothing would happen to MY daughter.. things like that... that happens to other people. I read about those people, but to me? Nope.. I get a pass.. a get out of jail free card... Clearly.. I am no exception to that 'rule.' and i realize.. I miss being that person sometimes. Because now, now I am afraid of everything. In the end, I know the Lord's purpose will be delivered, and whatever the destiny may be is what shall be done. But I am still human. That thought can only comfort me for so long.. there are still pieces of me that fight the darkness of thinking of EVERYTHING that could go wrong.. not just what happened with us. Miscarriage, stillbirth, diseases, infections... the list could go on forever..
And so I wonder.. what kind of mommy will I be next time? Will I be paranoid? Will I be over-protective? I guess these are probably questions we all battle. But I can't help to think back.. think back to the person that I used to be. I enjoyed being pregnant.. (for the most part) loved feeling the kicks and the hiccups.. will I just be nervous all the time? Will I read into every little thing as a sign of bad things to come? I think back to the old me.. I miss that me sometimes... I envy her.. the new me.. the new me is broken, slightly tattered and sloppily put back together. Some days I wish I could have some of the old me back.. but the new me? I guess I will have to learn to accept me. So I'm working on that.. it's hard.. it's difficult.. and it's exhausting. But this is what I get.. this is what I have to offer.. and I'm learning to adjust to the new me.. as much as I don't want to. We all have to do things we don't want to at one time or another, but in order to survive--we have to do it. And me? Well, I'm surviving.