March 27, 2011

Surviving

As I sit here and ponder.. I am left to think how much in this last week I have neglected this spot. This very special place that has become such an escape and a therapy. A comfort and a sort of friend. I have neglected others blogs and reading their trials, struggles, milestones, and journey's. I have come to a conclusion..

today we had a small birthday celebration for Savanna. Although her birthday is not until Monday, we wanted to do something small for her to include our closest family and friends. As we sang Happy Birthday the reality of what has actually happened smacked me in the face. It became as real as real can be.. I was not singing to the happy one year old gorging down on some cake, but an angel in heaven watching us from above. And in that moment, the weight of the world and all of my stresses had weighed heavily on my shoulders. And it all made sense. I know before I said I was hiding.. which I think I still kind of am. But more then hiding.. I have been scared.

I have submerged myself into this silly planning and small details. But when it came to lighting her candle.. J and I looked to each other. Do we sing, do we blow out the candles.. what do we do?? And then those around us started to sing and I realized we were truly moving forward. I have felt guilty and angry. Guilty that I was planning a birthday without her, angry because I was planning a birthday without her. Sure, tell me that I shouldn't feel that way. Tell me that she is always with me. Tell me that she is having the best birthday in heaven. Guess what? It still hurts. It still sucks. And it still remains that I don't have a bouncing and bubbly 1 year old sitting on my lap. Instead, I have tear stained cheeks and broken hearted pieces.

I went outside, to breathe.. get some air. Get away from the people surrounding us. I was suffocating and needed something to breathe. I didn't think it was going to be that hard.. and to think.. it's not even her birthday yet. I'm not sure what I thought it was going to be.. but I didn't expect that, and it came out from left field and sat it's ass right in front of me.

But I'm digressing.. we went outside. To escape the suffocation.

J put out the candles.. we couldn't muster the strength to blow them out.. they handed me the knife to cut the cake. I stood there frozen--I couldn't take the knife. Cutting her cake.. I couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to cut into a cake she would never get to taste. Never get to dive her face into. Never get to squish between her fingers and get stuck in her nose and ears. I had it pictured you know. The pink birthday girl hat with the pink tutu.. face first in her special chocolate cake.. flashes from cameras snapping.. everyone giggling and cracking up as she went to town on her cake. But no, instead--I was going to have to cut it. And I couldn't.

I digress again.. like I said.. we went outside.

My sweet and very best friend KB was there with her family. And she spotted something.. i was trying to let the air fill my lungs.. trying to 'hold it together' on the outside while every piece of me was shattering on the inside. I thought she was just walking over to talk to the kiddos.. then I heard her say ladybug.. what??
So I walked over.. she saw one flying.. we looked and looked. And what do you know.. A ladybug! A smile was brought to my face as I finally saw my first ladybug of the season. And what a perfect day for it to come! It didn't put me back together.. but it brought some of those pieces back that had been lost into oblivion. It brought back some bits of hope and light. The Lord allowed these beautiful little creatures to bless me in this moment. And I knew Savanna was right there with me.. carrying me through these moments. It was a beautiful moment.. I immediately picked her up and brought her in the house to show everyone..
So I had a different stride in my step. A different light in my mind. A new kind of peace in heart. We did her balloon release and as we talked and mingled.. we found many more ladybugs making their presence known. I just know that Savanna and Kamryn were there with us all.. blessing us with these sightings and ensuring us all that they were close by forever and always.
******
 That's not all I wanted to write about it.. her birthday is still coming. That day specifically.. a year ago from Monday.. I gave birth to my sweet little Savanna. As I sit and think about that day.. and how she took us completely by surprise in so many ways.. I also began to think of that person. That other Tabatha. The person I used to be. I find myself envying that person. The 'old' me.. the pre-dead daughter me.. I always knew of all the things that could happen. The things to be aware of. Ways to reduce risks.. but like so many.. I was naive.. I just knew I was the exception to the rule. Nothing would happen to MY daughter.. things like that... that happens to other people. I read about those people, but to me? Nope.. I get a pass.. a get out of jail free card... Clearly.. I am no exception to that 'rule.' and i realize.. I miss being that person sometimes. Because now, now I am afraid of everything. In the end, I know the Lord's purpose will be delivered, and whatever the destiny may be is what shall be done. But I am still human. That thought can only comfort me for so long.. there are still pieces of me that fight the darkness of thinking of EVERYTHING that could go wrong.. not just what happened with us. Miscarriage, stillbirth, diseases, infections... the list could go on forever..

And so I wonder.. what kind of mommy will I be next time? Will I be paranoid? Will I be over-protective? I guess these are probably questions we all battle. But I can't help to think back.. think back to the person that I used to be. I enjoyed being pregnant.. (for the most part) loved feeling the kicks and the hiccups.. will I just be nervous all the time? Will I read into every little thing as a sign of bad things to come? I think back to the old me.. I miss that me sometimes... I envy her.. the new me.. the new me is broken, slightly tattered and sloppily put back together. Some days I wish I could have some of the old me back.. but the new me? I guess I will have to learn to accept me. So I'm working on that.. it's hard.. it's difficult.. and it's exhausting. But this is what I get.. this is what I have to offer.. and I'm learning to adjust to the new me.. as much as I don't want to. We all have to do things we don't want to at one time or another, but in order to survive--we have to do it. And me? Well, I'm surviving.

18 blessings, thoughts. &. feelings:

Anonymous said...

Tabatha,
I wish you peace and strength to get through these difficult times! I too, am a new mother of a 4 month old precious baby girl, and I can not fathom what you and your family must be going through! I will be praying for you and your family! And on Monday I will be looking up to Heaven saying 'Happy Birthday, sweet Savanna!' :)
Kari, from SC

victoria said...

Tabatha,
We did not get to do the balloon release yesterday because we got 5 in of snow, but Monday is supposed to be a sunny day, and we will send one up to Heaven for her then.
Praying for you & your family's strength.
Much love,
Victoria

Christie said...

I understand what you mean about the new "paranoia." It can be hard, and at times, paralyzing. All you can do is your best to survive and take it one day at a time. Thinking of you and Savanna.

Tena said...

You my friend are going to be great mom. You will have such a new appreciation for everything that goes right. All those things that the old tab expected to go right, your heart will send up constant prayers of thanks for. This is such a terrible hard time for you. Nothing I can say can make it better. You will make it through and you will come out on the other side stronger. Little Savannah is leaving her footprints on so many peoples lives all because you are brave enough to share you story. This will get better. The darkness will lighten and the sun will shine again. Picture me giving you a hug! Love you.

Courtney Mayfield said...

You already are a great mom and always will be. For me sometimes being paranoid seemed to take over. I worried and still do about the smallest things. Since Dylan went to Heaven we have been blessed with two daughters (we already had an older son) all 3 of them have brought us so much joy, laughter, tears and every other kind of emotion you can imagine.
I still worry and probably always will but, God is with me and you every step of the way. Showing us in little and big (ladybugs, butterflys, rainbows, ect..) ways how much He loves us. On earth we will never understand the reason for the pain but one day we will all rejoice with Him and our babies in Heaven.
Courtney

TanaLee Davis said...

The things that happen right when we need them. A ladybug made her way to your finger when you needed some reassurance. I'm happy that happened because you might not have made it through the day without it. I'm proud of you for learning and changing in this journey.

You may want a piece of the old you back (I know I want this too) but I think the new you is becoming something more...your blossoming into a women of knowledge, strength and endurance. You are gaining wisdom through this trial and you will now be more able to help others and think more logically from your experience. There aren't a lot of good things from this journey but I would say the above comment is a good thing to have. You are a great mom and when the time comes to add to your family, you might do things differently, you most defiantly will think differently and that is okay. You will be okay...with time.
Hugs-
Felicia

Angel said...

I read bits and pieces of your story and gonna try to work my way all the way back so i can know from the 1st blog when and how this all came about.. Im soo soo sorry for your loss. That ladybug was YOUR ladybug letting you know she was there 2 and she is ok.. I believe that!!! You will prolly be a nervouse wreck the next time you have a baby but so will I after reading all these blogs about SIDS. I have a 2 yr old and know that it is getting that time again but i wonder all the time why i all of a sudden came across these blogs of Angel Babies. I read the Staats then Maddie Grace, then a few more and now yours.. Ahhhh. My heart is breaking for you and the other moms.. Hang in there. I pray God will wrap his arms around you and give you peace and one day you will know why he needed your Ladybug so soon.=( =) God bless!!!

New Year Mum said...

Her birthday party sounds so heart-breaking.... I've been thinking of you over the w/end and today... my heart goes out to you. So beautiful that she came to visit her party. You are an amazing mum and will be to your future children. You are a survivor and very brave... I feel for you so much every time I read your posts and with you all the way. Love always xoxo

victoria said...

I know I already commented once, but I wanted to say that you & your sweet daughter will constantly be in my thoughts tomorrow. I will say many prayers for your strength, and for Savanna to be having the most beautiful birthday party with Jesus and all her new friends in Heaven.

crystal said...

Tabatha,
You know that I am praying for you and thinking about you. I know tomorrow is going to be hard so I will be saying extra prayers for you tonight. I hope you have a great night's sleep and I hope that Savanna comes to visit you in your dreams tonight. Check your facebook because I sent you something.

Sacha said...

I starting crying when I saw the ladybug in your post...See she is there with you, letting you know its Okay! Take care sweetie and know I'm praying for you and your family...Sacha

Laura said...

Happy Birthday Sweet Sweet Savanna!
Thinking and praying for you and your family today. Hugs to you.

Rebecca said...

Hi Tabatha-I have been thinking about you and Savanna all day. The pictures from her party are just beautiful. I know your heart must be breaking, but just hold on and remember that Savanna is always, ALWAYS with you. You and Savanna have touched the lives of so many and we will help to keep her memory alive!

Sending you huge hugs from thousands of miles away and wishing your sweet Savanna the most beautiful and special first birthday ever.

<3 Rebecca

Maggie said...

Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and Savanna today. I hope your day is peaceful. The ladybug you saw was definitely a sign from her, she loves her Mommy so much and she wants you to know it! XO

Mary said...

Thinking of you today and sending you lots of love! I know today must be hard for you. I iwish I could be there to help you, but you have almost everything you need. You and the hubs are the best support for each other. Cry all you want to...Savanna is watching over you, I just know it. Happy first birthday sweet Savanna!

LauraJane said...

Happy birthday sweet baby Savanna.

brigette said...

Just came across your blog im so sorry for your loss. Praying for you on your sweet angel birthday! These days are so hard. We lost our son at 5 months old. Much love to you!!

Jen said...

Thinking of you today. Happy birthday Savanna