March 13, 2011

A Letter to Savanna.. and my happy list

Well my little bug... it's been awhile since I really wrote you. So I thought tonight seemed a fitting night. You know, it's been 4 months since you took your last breaths. I can't help to think about what we were doing just 4 short months ago this very evening. There were so many people here. Family and friends that drove in, just to be here with your mommy and daddy. People who loved you with their whole hearts. We were making phone calls and just trying to stay a float. It all seemed so surreal.. I was waiting to just wake up. Wake up and hear your beautiful cries and see your sweet face. All that I had was an image of you with tubes everywhere, an empty heart, barren arms, and a purple box. I don't remember specific details. it seems so long ago, yet I can hear the sirens, the beeping of the machines in the hospital as if it were yesterday. I can close my eyes and imagine my fingers smoothing your hair for the last time and holding your little feeties. Those are my favorite ya know? I miss those little feets of yours.. they were sweaty and clammy just like your daddy's. And you would curl them all sorts of funny little ways. I just loved them. I remember looking at them for the last time trying to will them to curl.. as if my mind could will you back to life.. back to breathing.. But, as we know.. that didn't happen. And here I am. 4 months later. On your angel-versary. Crazy isn't it? We have deemed a term for this day.

I wonder everyday what you're doing up in Heaven. I wonder how you look with your wings.. I'm sure you're absolutely breathtaking. You took my breath away everyday on this earth, my mind simply can't grasp the beauty that you must be emitting now. I have met lots of new friends. But you know that don't you?! I know you and their baby's are up there, re-arranging the clouds ensuring that we all find each other. You all know we need each other. And so you have made it possible for our stumbling upons to be meaningful and heartfelt. You're a smart little one.. You knew I would need these very special mommas to get me through some of the toughest of days. Is it possible that I continue to love you more and more everyday? Just when I think my heart and my very being will explode with the ever flowing love  coursing through me, something happens.. and it just seems to expand. So this brings me to my next subject. One of your sweet little friends, Aiden's momma (Natasha) has started this really neat thing. It's called the Happy List Saturday blog hop.. every week on Saturday we are going to write about things that made us happy through out the week.

At first I didn't want to. I knew what today was. What it symbolized. I tried so hard all to do not cry, and not be sad. I tried to look at today like it was any other day.. a normal day. But then I realized, I don't even know what a normal day is anymore. My perception of normal has been flipped over and fallen into oblivion. Be that as it may.. I still pretended I knew. All day, I though of you. I tried not to replay the movie in my head, but that haunting task seemed to fail. So when I came home and saw the message of the blog hop.. I turned away. But then.. it's as if you knew I needed something more. I remember the pictures I had been sent of ladybugs and all the wonderful gifts we had received because of you in the last week or so. And I knew you were speaking directly to my heart. So here I am to participate. And I am going to tell you all about our Happy List for this week.

1. First I want you to see this awesome bracelet that my new friend Megan made! She started reading my blog and wanted to do something special for us! Do you see the S and the ladybug?? She made that extra little touch because she knows how special those are to me. She has a heart of giving and kindness. Thank you for allowing her to be a part of my life!  

Thanks to Megan at Under_Construction Survival Bracelets
2. Now I'm sure you know this little boy! His name is Jeremiah (Racquel is his mommy) Well, she started this wonderful legacy in his honor and started making these awesome magnet butterflies for the mommy's and daddy's down here on earth. But she even went above and beyond that. She offered to make some for the memory boxes we are doing in your honor! I can't wait to get Savanna's Sunshine really up and going. You have inspired me little girl, inspired me to do wonderful things in your honor. And just look at another friend your mommy made! 
3. Next on the list... your angel bear. I know you never got to cuddle this bear.. this one is very special. At your special memorial service in Phoenix, everyone signed a heart and put it in the bear. Some even wrote you a little note. Then it was sewed up and sent home with us. They even put a beating heart in it! Well, she's been naked since we got her that day, and finally I decided it was time to clothe her. I wanted to find the perfect outfit. I found this perfect little princess dress with little ballerina slippers. You were going to by my little dancer! Of course it came complete with the bow (you know how your mama loved bows!!) and last but not least, angel wings. It seemed fitting you know? Today being what it is and all.. I think she's perfect. She reminds me of you.. reminds me how much I miss you too..
4. Can you believe there's another? You're one loved little girl that's for sure! This one is one of the best. It's a special quilt. There's not another in the world like it. After you went with Jesus, one of my friends asked me if I would like a quilt to be made out of some of your clothes. I immediately agreed. I knew this would be a wonderful way to remember you! So you're daddy and I went into your room and we picked out some of our favorite outfits of yours. We had no idea what to expect, but knew it was going to be perfect. It finally came, after much anticipation and tons of excitement to see the finished product. And well, let the pictures speak for themselves! As soon as we opened the box your daddy and I smiled from ear to ear as we remembered so many happy times.. all from little 6 inch square pieces of cloth. I'll admit, I smelled them to see if your scent was still present... but I found nothing.

5. Well here is the last of the happy things.. ladybugs. You always know just when I need an extra push. You have only sent me one once since you've died. I have wished for my own personal witnessing to one, but I know that when you do finally land on my lap, it will be a magnificent moment in time. But until then, you're sending love to all those around me. And all those are sharing with me!!
So, it's time for me to go now. I've written a long enough letter. I miss you more and more everyday. Just know that so many people here love you too. So many that I truly believe you have had a hand in crossing my path.

It's been 4 months.. I'm not sure how I got here.. not sure how I'll get to your birthday or the next month. But somehow, you'll place these happy moments into my life so that I can breathe another breath and take another step. Keep the love coming in any shape or form it may take.. it keeps me going and keeps my heart connected with yours. Never leave my heart Savanna... I didn't know what a life was like until I gave you life. I love you for always.. I love you forever... I love you with my whole heart and every fiber of my being.

Loving you from earth,

8 blessings, thoughts. &. feelings:

Natasha said...

Tabatha I love your happy list and your letter!!!! I know your little angel is smiling down on you from heaven. I hope yesterday was not too hard on you. I love all the gifts you have gotten for Savanna!!! Her blanket is beautiful!!!! Love her bracelet and her bear that now has clothes!!! Thank you so much for sharing!!! Hugs to you mama!!

Paul said...

Thank you for allowing me to be part of your journey, Tabatha. While the path of grief is sometimes dark, it is evident the Lord is lighting your way to renewed strength.

Raquel said...

What a great list Tabatha! I love how it is addressed to sweet Savanna. The quilt is an absolutely beautiful idea. How sweet!! I can imagine how great it feels to wrap yourself in her clothes.

I am so glad you got the butterflies!

LauraJane said...

What a beautiful letter to your beautiful girl. I love that quilt idea, so lovely. :)

My New Normal said...

What a lovely list and letter to your baby girl. I am over from the blog hop and am your newest follower too. Today is 7 months since I lost my son. I hope one day to be at the point where I no longer count the months.

Tiffany said...

Such a beautiful letter. I hate hearing how other Mommies relive that last night with their baby, in the hospital with all the tubes and machines. They are such hard memories to have to carry for the rest of our lives. I'm so sorry that you have to have those memories as part of Savanna's life. It's not fair.
I'm so glad you received so many wonderful things this week that remind you of Savanna. It's the little things isn't it?
Hugs to you!

Tiffany said...

Just ordered my tshirt!!

New Year Mum said...

Your letter is so lovingly written... I'm sure she hears your every word and know your every thought about her. You have received so many beautiful things in her memory.. thank you for sharing them with us xoxo