One year

Life has twists and turns, blind turns and blind spots, forks in the road, u-turns and reversals. We never know what to expect or how it will turn out. We spend 85% of our lives planning them and only 15% actually living them. A year goes by and you feel as if you have barely blinked. A moment in time that seems to last a millennium in the moment flashes by as quickly as it came. Choices are made, roads are traveled, tears are shed, laughter is spread. We can only hope that when we reach the end of our roads we have led the life we were meant to. A life worth living. We hope that we have loved as deeply as possible, served the Lord as loyally as possible, and walked our paths as strong as possible.

A year ago today, our lives threw in a blind turn, a blind spot, a fork in the road with a blockade down one side, a u-turn was made and time seemed to stop and go in reverse. One year ago today we lost our most precious gem. A year ago our Savanna died and left us here behind. We were left with memories, pictures and materialistic possessions to remind us of her. Hiccups in time would bring us back to the happier moments.

I had anticipated this day more then any other day. This day represents so much more then I can even wrap my head around in one logical sitting. Of course it first represents a year without her. A year of readjustments. A year of re-learning me. A year of learning my marriage. A year of tears and laughter. A year of choices and decisions. A year of lost hopes and dreams. A year of missing and longing. A year of change. Changes that came tearing down the doors unwelcome and unwanted. Education about my 'new' life. True I have learned so much about myself this last year.

I have learned I can be successful, I can be strong and it's ok. I have learned that I can cry uncontrollably and laugh until I can't breath and it's ok. I have learned I can miss her and love her and yet be angry at the same time and it's ok. I have learned to walk away from situations, and turn the cheek from people who may not be helpful in my journey and it's ok. I have learned that guilt is a part of the life, anger is a natural reaction, and sadness is a re-occurent theme... and it's ok. Most of all I think I have learned I can laugh, and be happy, I can smile and enjoy my life, I can keep going and it's ok. I have learned that because we move forward without her here by my side does not mean I'm moving on and forgetting about her. It simply means I'm learning to live again. The pain is no longer a stinging pain but a dulled jab. There is still a hole, though it feels slightly more mended. There is a void, though I have gotten somewhat accostomed to the feeling. Our family continues to somehow feel incomplete, yet we know that will always be the case. I have more good days then bad, but I allow myself the bad days.

I know the road will continue to be treachourous, wavy and filled with shallow waters and deep sink holes. But along with that, the road will be overflowing with sunshine and beautiful sunsets, ladybugs and sunflowers, rainbows and bright blue sky's.

In the still of the night I can close my eyes and I am transformed back to a time when life made sense and there were no hard choices to make. I am taken back to a sweet joyous smile and a precious innocent face looking back at me. I am taken back to moments of time and I remind myself how thankful and blessed we are to have those to look back upon. One year ago from today, November 12, I watched the life of my sweet pea flutter away into the Heavens, I am simply thankful to have her footprints imbedded on my heart. I am grateful and so completely and totally blessed to be the lucky one to be her momma.

Sweet Savanna Dawn,

You are my breath of fresh air. The chilled breeze blowing in my hair. You are the sweet smells of spring flowers and the comforting smell of fall. You are my warm sunshine in the mornings and the bright moon lighting my way at night. You are my rock that keeps me grounded and my stars to keep me dreaming. You give me hope to keep going, you give me strength to keep on living. I love you more and more each day, even when I don't think it's possible. I will always wonder what you would look like, I will always wonder what kind of beautiful woman you would have grown up to be. I will always wonder what life would be like with you still here with me. I think of you each and every day and always remember that when I reach the end of my road, you will be there waiting for me with arms wide open, bright blue eyes shining, and that sweet sweet smile waiting to invite me in to the Heavens. I love you, I love you, I love you.

-Mommy

A Letter to Savanna.. and my happy list

Well my little bug... it's been awhile since I really wrote you. So I thought tonight seemed a fitting night. You know, it's been 4 months since you took your last breaths. I can't help to think about what we were doing just 4 short months ago this very evening. There were so many people here. Family and friends that drove in, just to be here with your mommy and daddy. People who loved you with their whole hearts. We were making phone calls and just trying to stay a float. It all seemed so surreal.. I was waiting to just wake up. Wake up and hear your beautiful cries and see your sweet face. All that I had was an image of you with tubes everywhere, an empty heart, barren arms, and a purple box. I don't remember specific details. it seems so long ago, yet I can hear the sirens, the beeping of the machines in the hospital as if it were yesterday. I can close my eyes and imagine my fingers smoothing your hair for the last time and holding your little feeties. Those are my favorite ya know? I miss those little feets of yours.. they were sweaty and clammy just like your daddy's. And you would curl them all sorts of funny little ways. I just loved them. I remember looking at them for the last time trying to will them to curl.. as if my mind could will you back to life.. back to breathing.. But, as we know.. that didn't happen. And here I am. 4 months later. On your angel-versary. Crazy isn't it? We have deemed a term for this day.

I wonder everyday what you're doing up in Heaven. I wonder how you look with your wings.. I'm sure you're absolutely breathtaking. You took my breath away everyday on this earth, my mind simply can't grasp the beauty that you must be emitting now. I have met lots of new friends. But you know that don't you?! I know you and their baby's are up there, re-arranging the clouds ensuring that we all find each other. You all know we need each other. And so you have made it possible for our stumbling upons to be meaningful and heartfelt. You're a smart little one.. You knew I would need these very special mommas to get me through some of the toughest of days. Is it possible that I continue to love you more and more everyday? Just when I think my heart and my very being will explode with the ever flowing love  coursing through me, something happens.. and it just seems to expand. So this brings me to my next subject. One of your sweet little friends, Aiden's momma (Natasha) has started this really neat thing. It's called the Happy List Saturday blog hop.. every week on Saturday we are going to write about things that made us happy through out the week.





At first I didn't want to. I knew what today was. What it symbolized. I tried so hard all to do not cry, and not be sad. I tried to look at today like it was any other day.. a normal day. But then I realized, I don't even know what a normal day is anymore. My perception of normal has been flipped over and fallen into oblivion. Be that as it may.. I still pretended I knew. All day, I though of you. I tried not to replay the movie in my head, but that haunting task seemed to fail. So when I came home and saw the message of the blog hop.. I turned away. But then.. it's as if you knew I needed something more. I remember the pictures I had been sent of ladybugs and all the wonderful gifts we had received because of you in the last week or so. And I knew you were speaking directly to my heart. So here I am to participate. And I am going to tell you all about our Happy List for this week.


1. First I want you to see this awesome bracelet that my new friend Megan made! She started reading my blog and wanted to do something special for us! Do you see the S and the ladybug?? She made that extra little touch because she knows how special those are to me. She has a heart of giving and kindness. Thank you for allowing her to be a part of my life!  

Thanks to Megan at Under_Construction Survival Bracelets

2. Now I'm sure you know this little boy! His name is Jeremiah (Racquel is his mommy) Well, she started this wonderful legacy in his honor and started making these awesome magnet butterflies for the mommy's and daddy's down here on earth. But she even went above and beyond that. She offered to make some for the memory boxes we are doing in your honor! I can't wait to get Savanna's Sunshine really up and going. You have inspired me little girl, inspired me to do wonderful things in your honor. And just look at another friend your mommy made! 

3. Next on the list... your angel bear. I know you never got to cuddle this bear.. this one is very special. At your special memorial service in Phoenix, everyone signed a heart and put it in the bear. Some even wrote you a little note. Then it was sewed up and sent home with us. They even put a beating heart in it! Well, she's been naked since we got her that day, and finally I decided it was time to clothe her. I wanted to find the perfect outfit. I found this perfect little princess dress with little ballerina slippers. You were going to by my little dancer! Of course it came complete with the bow (you know how your mama loved bows!!) and last but not least, angel wings. It seemed fitting you know? Today being what it is and all.. I think she's perfect. She reminds me of you.. reminds me how much I miss you too..

4. Can you believe there's another? You're one loved little girl that's for sure! This one is one of the best. It's a special quilt. There's not another in the world like it. After you went with Jesus, one of my friends asked me if I would like a quilt to be made out of some of your clothes. I immediately agreed. I knew this would be a wonderful way to remember you! So you're daddy and I went into your room and we picked out some of our favorite outfits of yours. We had no idea what to expect, but knew it was going to be perfect. It finally came, after much anticipation and tons of excitement to see the finished product. And well, let the pictures speak for themselves! As soon as we opened the box your daddy and I smiled from ear to ear as we remembered so many happy times.. all from little 6 inch square pieces of cloth. I'll admit, I smelled them to see if your scent was still present... but I found nothing.

5. Well here is the last of the happy things.. ladybugs. You always know just when I need an extra push. You have only sent me one once since you've died. I have wished for my own personal witnessing to one, but I know that when you do finally land on my lap, it will be a magnificent moment in time. But until then, you're sending love to all those around me. And all those are sharing with me!!

So, it's time for me to go now. I've written a long enough letter. I miss you more and more everyday. Just know that so many people here love you too. So many that I truly believe you have had a hand in crossing my path.

It's been 4 months.. I'm not sure how I got here.. not sure how I'll get to your birthday or the next month. But somehow, you'll place these happy moments into my life so that I can breathe another breath and take another step. Keep the love coming in any shape or form it may take.. it keeps me going and keeps my heart connected with yours. Never leave my heart Savanna... I didn't know what a life was like until I gave you life. I love you for always.. I love you forever... I love you with my whole heart and every fiber of my being.

Loving you from earth,
Mommy