November 12, 2011

One year

Life has twists and turns, blind turns and blind spots, forks in the road, u-turns and reversals. We never know what to expect or how it will turn out. We spend 85% of our lives planning them and only 15% actually living them. A year goes by and you feel as if you have barely blinked. A moment in time that seems to last a millennium in the moment flashes by as quickly as it came. Choices are made, roads are traveled, tears are shed, laughter is spread. We can only hope that when we reach the end of our roads we have led the life we were meant to. A life worth living. We hope that we have loved as deeply as possible, served the Lord as loyally as possible, and walked our paths as strong as possible.

A year ago today, our lives threw in a blind turn, a blind spot, a fork in the road with a blockade down one side, a u-turn was made and time seemed to stop and go in reverse. One year ago today we lost our most precious gem. A year ago our Savanna died and left us here behind. We were left with memories, pictures and materialistic possessions to remind us of her. Hiccups in time would bring us back to the happier moments.

I had anticipated this day more then any other day. This day represents so much more then I can even wrap my head around in one logical sitting. Of course it first represents a year without her. A year of readjustments. A year of re-learning me. A year of learning my marriage. A year of tears and laughter. A year of choices and decisions. A year of lost hopes and dreams. A year of missing and longing. A year of change. Changes that came tearing down the doors unwelcome and unwanted. Education about my 'new' life. True I have learned so much about myself this last year.

I have learned I can be successful, I can be strong and it's ok. I have learned that I can cry uncontrollably and laugh until I can't breath and it's ok. I have learned I can miss her and love her and yet be angry at the same time and it's ok. I have learned to walk away from situations, and turn the cheek from people who may not be helpful in my journey and it's ok. I have learned that guilt is a part of the life, anger is a natural reaction, and sadness is a re-occurent theme... and it's ok. Most of all I think I have learned I can laugh, and be happy, I can smile and enjoy my life, I can keep going and it's ok. I have learned that because we move forward without her here by my side does not mean I'm moving on and forgetting about her. It simply means I'm learning to live again. The pain is no longer a stinging pain but a dulled jab. There is still a hole, though it feels slightly more mended. There is a void, though I have gotten somewhat accostomed to the feeling. Our family continues to somehow feel incomplete, yet we know that will always be the case. I have more good days then bad, but I allow myself the bad days.

I know the road will continue to be treachourous, wavy and filled with shallow waters and deep sink holes. But along with that, the road will be overflowing with sunshine and beautiful sunsets, ladybugs and sunflowers, rainbows and bright blue sky's.

In the still of the night I can close my eyes and I am transformed back to a time when life made sense and there were no hard choices to make. I am taken back to a sweet joyous smile and a precious innocent face looking back at me. I am taken back to moments of time and I remind myself how thankful and blessed we are to have those to look back upon. One year ago from today, November 12, I watched the life of my sweet pea flutter away into the Heavens, I am simply thankful to have her footprints imbedded on my heart. I am grateful and so completely and totally blessed to be the lucky one to be her momma.


Sweet Savanna Dawn,

You are my breath of fresh air. The chilled breeze blowing in my hair. You are the sweet smells of spring flowers and the comforting smell of fall. You are my warm sunshine in the mornings and the bright moon lighting my way at night. You are my rock that keeps me grounded and my stars to keep me dreaming. You give me hope to keep going, you give me strength to keep on living. I love you more and more each day, even when I don't think it's possible. I will always wonder what you would look like, I will always wonder what kind of beautiful woman you would have grown up to be. I will always wonder what life would be like with you still here with me. I think of you each and every day and always remember that when I reach the end of my road, you will be there waiting for me with arms wide open, bright blue eyes shining, and that sweet sweet smile waiting to invite me in to the Heavens. I love you, I love you, I love you.

-Mommy

13 blessings, thoughts. &. feelings:

Tiffany said...

A beautiful post. I can relate to every single word. It's hard to believe we've been without our girls for over a year now...

Tena said...

Just want to tell you how proud I am of you. On the hard days you continued to put one foot in front of the other. Every single one of those steps is a tribute to little Savannah. Praying blessings on you and J. Love you my friend.

Jerica said...

What you wrote was so beautiful. I have been thinking of you, J and your little Bo all day. You are one of the strongest people I know. God Bless.

Reese said...

Thinking of you on this day. You don't know me, but your little girl is beautiful and you are a standing tribute to her. As a baby loss mom myself, I am constantly amazed by people like you who honor their children's life by continuing to count their blessings and build their lives.

Dennise said...

Tabby, you are so strong. I can't imagine the pain you had this last year. I pray for you daily and i'm glad God and Savanna are watching over you. Your words always bring tears to my eyes.

NewYearMum2.blogspot.com said...

Each word you've written sounds so full of love for your sweet Savanna... such a beautiful post for your darling angel. Love to you both xoxo

My New Normal said...

Beautiful post.

Mary said...

Just beautiful. (((hugs)))

Tiffany said...

very beautiful. so much of what you said is true for me too. i'm just so proud to be his mom, even with all of this pain. thinking of you and your amazing little ray of sunshine, always.

<3 Savanna <3

Elisabeth Hirsch said...

This makes me cry for your sorrow, but smile because of your strength. You're an inspiration to others.

On 11/18 my little one would have been nine. As a tribute to him and other babies who have passed away, I'm hosting a blogfest for mothers who have lost infants or children. I would love it if you could join us and share your story.
-Elisa

Here's that link if you're interested:
http://ecwrites.blogspot.com/2011/11/golden-sky-blogfest-is-in-less-than.html

Ashley said...

So beautifully written, loved looking at your pictures!

Tarsh said...

Beautifully put into words with so much pain but truth and reality. Beautiful photo. Thank you and take care.

Natasha said...

A year without them is just too long......such a beautiful letter to your baby girl.

Remembering sweet little Savanna ♥