September 12, 2011

10 Months..

First of all I want to thank everyone for all you have done in standing behind me. Although the comment that was made stung hard and hurt deeply I was remind that for the one jerk off, there are 1000 of you who are full of compassion and true caring. So thank you. I am happy to say I will be not making my blog private. How can I let the comment of one so ignorant affect the legacy my daughter has laid out? I did however make some changes to my settings. No longer can 'anonymous' people make comments, and I must approve all comments before they are published. Although I can't control who reads, I can at least control those who decide to give there unsolicited advise. I'm sure she won't be the last to make an ignorant thoughtless comment. I can only hope she read through the many comments from all of you readers and felt extremely small and insignificant. Mostly, I hope she was educated in her very self-centered and small minded vision. Not only did she offend myself, she offended my friends and family, other BLM's as well as all those working moms out there- both career and SAHM's. So again, thank you for making me realize, she doesn't deserve my anger or attention. But it sure felt good to stick up for myself!

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And now I think about the day and what it represents. Today it has been 10 months she died. I'm not sure what I think, or feel about it. I do know that in one instant it seemed to fly by, yet at the same time was long and drawn out. It also means I am much closer to an entire 365 days without her. Lately I have been left to wondering what our life would be like right now if we had our little 17 month old running around here. How chaotic yet exciting our days would be. Everyday would be a new adventure. Of course I wonder what she would look like, what would her voice sound like. Would we be attempting potty training? What would her favorite words be?

The initial ache and pain has seemed to dull slightly. Some days it is a very deafening pain, while others it's quite transparent. I am beginning to get a grasp on what 'living' without her really is. Now we have moved past the 'coping' and moved into the surviving. We have embarked upon a new journey down a different path. I always take a rest along the way, close my eyes and try to imagine how differently our journey would have been. I miss her terribly and that is something that has never dulled. That, I'm sure, it never will.

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I feel as if I often repeat myself. I've said all the things I could say that I have felt and ever felt. Everyday is a new day, and I'm OK with having good days as they are more often now then they once were. There is still a push of guilt when I have a succession of good days, but I try not to beat myself up over it. I have some projects I plan to start again. I started the memory box idea, but now have decided to make some adjustments to the legacy left by Savanna. I don't want to share too much as I plan to have an 'unveiling' soon. As I've stayed away from this place due to the extremely busy schedule and the fear of repetition there is one thing I have realized. I love this space. I love what it represents. I love what it says. I love where it has taken me. I love the people that I have 'met.' With that being said.. I will be taking a bit of a hiatus. Although it seems that I already have, there has been an underlaying pressure when I think about blogging. So, to relieve myself of that pressure, I will be taking a leave of absence. I don't know how long, but I know for certain it's not forever. And who knows, taking that pressure off of myself, I may find here back again before you know it.

Please feel free to email me (t.bogue@live.com) as I love to hear from the readers and other BLM's. It is you that give me the courage to keep going and the strength to continue telling my story. Please become a part of Savannas Facebook Page (you can find the link on the right hand toolbar) to continue getting updates. I have ceased adding people that I don't know to my personal Facebook page as it started to get out of hand. My friends list has been dwindled down to keep it as private as possible. But I welcome anyone to Savannas Sunshine Page.

I want to thank all of you again for following me along on this journey and for continuing to follow me. Never judging, always supporting and forever encouraging. Please know this is not goodbye, just a see you later.



So, until next time.

8 blessings, thoughts. &. feelings:

Tiffany said...

Tabatha, I love the pictures you posted of you and Savanna on the bed, so cute. I've been thinking about you guys today and knowing that today probably isn't an easy day. I can't wait to see what you have in mind for Savanna's project!! Lots of love to you my friend!

Brittney said...

I love you! You give such incredible strength and through your amazing words, you bless so many including myself. I pray during your absence, that you find, do and accomplish all that is necessary for you and the goals you have set. You are such an amazing lady and i'm just so incredibly proud of you!

Mary said...

I never though of it that way...living and surviving instead of coping. But you're so right. Good for you for standing up for yourself, too! She had no right to give unsolicited advice, you're absolutely correct about that. Hugs momma!

ASHLEY ELDER said...

Glad that you aren't going private!! LOVE, love love the pictures of you are your baby girl!!

Allison said...

Love the pictures of you and your precious baby! Will continue to pray for you and your husband. Look forward to when you decide it's best for you to return to blogging!

Rebecca said...

Yay! I am so glad that you will be keeping your blog public! :)

I consider myself so blessed to "know" you and your beautiful daughter, and I know that there are so many others who follow you who feel the same exact way. I am sure the beauty of your words change lives everyday. I know they changed mine....and Savanna's ladybug blog will remain just that; in honor her and you as well. How could I possibly change it?!

Your testimony of love to your daughter is one of the most beautiful Blogs I have read. I know that new challenges and heartaches are on their way as you approach Savanna's 1 year angelversary, but just keep in mind that you have many Bloggy Mommy's who have you and your husband in our hearts, thoughts, and prayers everyday. We will help you celebrate Savanna's beautiful little life, send many virtual hugs, and attempt to dry your tears with our words.

Peace be with you sweet Mama!

Rebecca

JenB said...

Hi Tabatha,

I just started reading your blog and my heart just breaks for you. I don't know exactly what that person said that got you so upset but I gathered it was something about choosing work over your baby.

I have a 5 month old and I HATE leaving him in daycare but I know working makes me a better mom and is going to give him a better future. I've had my share of unwelcome comments along the same lines from people I considered friends and I know how that hurts. Don't let this person who does NOT walk in your shoes make you feel bad or guilty. I'm 100% sure your little daughter knew exactly how much she was loved.

I'm praying for you and your family!

Katie said...

Thank you for sharing this blog. My heart breaks for you, and your love for your beautiful daughter brings me to tears. Praying for continued strengthening and healing for you, and more and more moments of comfort.