10 Months..

First of all I want to thank everyone for all you have done in standing behind me. Although the comment that was made stung hard and hurt deeply I was remind that for the one jerk off, there are 1000 of you who are full of compassion and true caring. So thank you. I am happy to say I will be not making my blog private. How can I let the comment of one so ignorant affect the legacy my daughter has laid out? I did however make some changes to my settings. No longer can 'anonymous' people make comments, and I must approve all comments before they are published. Although I can't control who reads, I can at least control those who decide to give there unsolicited advise. I'm sure she won't be the last to make an ignorant thoughtless comment. I can only hope she read through the many comments from all of you readers and felt extremely small and insignificant. Mostly, I hope she was educated in her very self-centered and small minded vision. Not only did she offend myself, she offended my friends and family, other BLM's as well as all those working moms out there- both career and SAHM's. So again, thank you for making me realize, she doesn't deserve my anger or attention. But it sure felt good to stick up for myself!

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And now I think about the day and what it represents. Today it has been 10 months she died. I'm not sure what I think, or feel about it. I do know that in one instant it seemed to fly by, yet at the same time was long and drawn out. It also means I am much closer to an entire 365 days without her. Lately I have been left to wondering what our life would be like right now if we had our little 17 month old running around here. How chaotic yet exciting our days would be. Everyday would be a new adventure. Of course I wonder what she would look like, what would her voice sound like. Would we be attempting potty training? What would her favorite words be?

The initial ache and pain has seemed to dull slightly. Some days it is a very deafening pain, while others it's quite transparent. I am beginning to get a grasp on what 'living' without her really is. Now we have moved past the 'coping' and moved into the surviving. We have embarked upon a new journey down a different path. I always take a rest along the way, close my eyes and try to imagine how differently our journey would have been. I miss her terribly and that is something that has never dulled. That, I'm sure, it never will.

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I feel as if I often repeat myself. I've said all the things I could say that I have felt and ever felt. Everyday is a new day, and I'm OK with having good days as they are more often now then they once were. There is still a push of guilt when I have a succession of good days, but I try not to beat myself up over it. I have some projects I plan to start again. I started the memory box idea, but now have decided to make some adjustments to the legacy left by Savanna. I don't want to share too much as I plan to have an 'unveiling' soon. As I've stayed away from this place due to the extremely busy schedule and the fear of repetition there is one thing I have realized. I love this space. I love what it represents. I love what it says. I love where it has taken me. I love the people that I have 'met.' With that being said.. I will be taking a bit of a hiatus. Although it seems that I already have, there has been an underlaying pressure when I think about blogging. So, to relieve myself of that pressure, I will be taking a leave of absence. I don't know how long, but I know for certain it's not forever. And who knows, taking that pressure off of myself, I may find here back again before you know it.

Please feel free to email me (t.bogue@live.com) as I love to hear from the readers and other BLM's. It is you that give me the courage to keep going and the strength to continue telling my story. Please become a part of Savannas Facebook Page (you can find the link on the right hand toolbar) to continue getting updates. I have ceased adding people that I don't know to my personal Facebook page as it started to get out of hand. My friends list has been dwindled down to keep it as private as possible. But I welcome anyone to Savannas Sunshine Page.

I want to thank all of you again for following me along on this journey and for continuing to follow me. Never judging, always supporting and forever encouraging. Please know this is not goodbye, just a see you later.

So, until next time.

Wanna sleep but can't.. so here I am

I wasn't going to post anything tonight. But as it is with any other night, I. can't. sleep! It's quite frustrating.. I'm exhausted and I can feel the tired building up behind my eyes. The moment I lay my head on pillow I'm wide awake and my mind begins to spin and sputter all of life's events. It's unnerving and than the act of trying to sleep to alleviate my exhaustion, well that becomes exhausting all in itself. I have tried so many tricks.. and well, here I am. J is in bed (not feeling well.. stayed out in the sun too long!) Meela in bed, Shrimp in bed.. the world is in bed.. well that's an exaggeration, but you get my drift.


I have tried Sleep-Aid, and I just feel hungover in the morning--that's just as exciting as NOT sleeping... NOT! So I tried counting.. I got up to 450 and gave up. I tried reading, I read half the book and gave up. I tried relaxing each part of my body.. my mind still wanders. I pray--than I become so involved I get upset and start searching for more answers. So, I end up tossing and turning for hours until finally I fall into a light lull.. only to be woken by a dog whinging, a cat scratching, a husband peeing, or a bladder knocking to be emptied. And than, well it takes me another hour to fall back asleep. Soooo..... I have decided to go to the doctor. I haven't taken any medication thus far... It's a great thing, and I definitely (after the given situation) do not judge ANYONE who needs it.. I know what this feels like, and if something can take the edge off even a little to keep my sanity.. well you know the answer to that.


And well, that's what it's coming down to.. my sanity. My mood swings are getting consistently more persistent, my attention span is that of a fruit fly, and my energy is way in the negative zone. I'm desperate. So I tried to call the doctor... TWICE.. it rang and rang and rang.. A sign?? Who knows.. so I guess I'll just try again on Monday.. I dont' even necessarily want sleeping meds.. something to deliver the execution to this anxiety. Each morning it's getting harder and harder to wake up and get out of bed. Each day it becomes more deafening clear this road I have to walk. Each day I am reminded of the life that I no longer have, but the life I am now forced to travel. Each day it's becoming a greater challenge to leap over that ledge. Something has got to give...


Well I end with this... Although I am struggling immensely right now.. I am digging my heels further into my faith and grabbing tighter to the ones who do get it. I am expanding my heart to the ones who are broken too.. the ones whose cracks have become gaping holes. Because my faith, my Savanna, my sisters in Christ and in loss are the ones that help me get the slight push each morning. It's a text message, a post on FB, a comment on my blog, a picture that is sent, a card in the mail.. these things always come at just the right moment. And for that I am thankful for. Those are the things that seem to make this life a little worth opening my eyes each day. My very dear sweet friend KB sent me something today. Something that truly made so much sense and I thought I would share.
  
"On this day God wants you to know... that God has an important purpose for you, and made everything possible for you to succeed. That's not to say it's an easy purpose, or a convenient one. It might very well seem hard or even impossible, but it only looks that way. The truth is that one day you will look back and see how all the pieces fit together. And how your life has been a complete and utter success."
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 Thank you KB for being such a wonderful source of strength for me. Your constant courage, fight and faith in Christ helps me to keep going. I have learned so much from you in the short amount of time we have known each other. I so look forward the the great things that will be accomplished in our baby girl''s names. I can't wait to meet sweet K one day.. (I know she won't be far from my Savanna.. they are bff's after all!!) And I look forward to growing our friendship, our sisterhood and our faith together as we walk this journey hand in hand. So much love to you my dear sweet friend!
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And here is a little memorial I got today from Emalee over at Project KJ 

I just love to see her name! Thank you!!

Check out this page to see how I am keeping her memory alive.. and how others have so graciously kept her name alive.
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And to all you other BLM's I have just connected with. I thank you all so much for your support and loving hearts. I am thankful for each and every one of you. And every night, it is my promise to you that I say a prayer for each and every one of you that the Lord fill your hearts with light, strength and courage to continue to walk this road.. And I feel truly blessed to know a little piece of each and every one of you.. You mama's, you give me hope.