February 26, 2011

Wanna sleep but can't.. so here I am

I wasn't going to post anything tonight. But as it is with any other night, I. can't. sleep! It's quite frustrating.. I'm exhausted and I can feel the tired building up behind my eyes. The moment I lay my head on pillow I'm wide awake and my mind begins to spin and sputter all of life's events. It's unnerving and than the act of trying to sleep to alleviate my exhaustion, well that becomes exhausting all in itself. I have tried so many tricks.. and well, here I am. J is in bed (not feeling well.. stayed out in the sun too long!) Meela in bed, Shrimp in bed.. the world is in bed.. well that's an exaggeration, but you get my drift.

I have tried Sleep-Aid, and I just feel hungover in the morning--that's just as exciting as NOT sleeping... NOT! So I tried counting.. I got up to 450 and gave up. I tried reading, I read half the book and gave up. I tried relaxing each part of my body.. my mind still wanders. I pray--than I become so involved I get upset and start searching for more answers. So, I end up tossing and turning for hours until finally I fall into a light lull.. only to be woken by a dog whinging, a cat scratching, a husband peeing, or a bladder knocking to be emptied. And than, well it takes me another hour to fall back asleep. Soooo..... I have decided to go to the doctor. I haven't taken any medication thus far... It's a great thing, and I definitely (after the given situation) do not judge ANYONE who needs it.. I know what this feels like, and if something can take the edge off even a little to keep my sanity.. well you know the answer to that.

And well, that's what it's coming down to.. my sanity. My mood swings are getting consistently more persistent, my attention span is that of a fruit fly, and my energy is way in the negative zone. I'm desperate. So I tried to call the doctor... TWICE.. it rang and rang and rang.. A sign?? Who knows.. so I guess I'll just try again on Monday.. I dont' even necessarily want sleeping meds.. something to deliver the execution to this anxiety. Each morning it's getting harder and harder to wake up and get out of bed. Each day it becomes more deafening clear this road I have to walk. Each day I am reminded of the life that I no longer have, but the life I am now forced to travel. Each day it's becoming a greater challenge to leap over that ledge. Something has got to give...

Well I end with this... Although I am struggling immensely right now.. I am digging my heels further into my faith and grabbing tighter to the ones who do get it. I am expanding my heart to the ones who are broken too.. the ones whose cracks have become gaping holes. Because my faith, my Savanna, my sisters in Christ and in loss are the ones that help me get the slight push each morning. It's a text message, a post on FB, a comment on my blog, a picture that is sent, a card in the mail.. these things always come at just the right moment. And for that I am thankful for. Those are the things that seem to make this life a little worth opening my eyes each day. My very dear sweet friend KB sent me something today. Something that truly made so much sense and I thought I would share.
"On this day God wants you to know... that God has an important purpose for you, and made everything possible for you to succeed. That's not to say it's an easy purpose, or a convenient one. It might very well seem hard or even impossible, but it only looks that way. The truth is that one day you will look back and see how all the pieces fit together. And how your life has been a complete and utter success."

 Thank you KB for being such a wonderful source of strength for me. Your constant courage, fight and faith in Christ helps me to keep going. I have learned so much from you in the short amount of time we have known each other. I so look forward the the great things that will be accomplished in our baby girl''s names. I can't wait to meet sweet K one day.. (I know she won't be far from my Savanna.. they are bff's after all!!) And I look forward to growing our friendship, our sisterhood and our faith together as we walk this journey hand in hand. So much love to you my dear sweet friend!
And here is a little memorial I got today from Emalee over at Project KJ 
I just love to see her name! Thank you!!

Check out this page to see how I am keeping her memory alive.. and how others have so graciously kept her name alive.
And to all you other BLM's I have just connected with. I thank you all so much for your support and loving hearts. I am thankful for each and every one of you. And every night, it is my promise to you that I say a prayer for each and every one of you that the Lord fill your hearts with light, strength and courage to continue to walk this road.. And I feel truly blessed to know a little piece of each and every one of you.. You mama's, you give me hope.

5 blessings, thoughts. &. feelings:

Natasha said...

You are so right that those little pushes come at just the right moment. I just posted on facebook a few days ago that God always knows when you need a hug and it's so true!

Hugs to you mama!

MEK said...

I totally understand the not sleeping. I was on a antidepressant before I lost Kenner, and after I lost him my husband told me I needed to get on something different because what I was on was not helping. I have been free of an antidepressant for probably a year now. There is no shame on having to start taking one, Especially if it will help you live your life.I hope you and your Dr will find something to help you sleep and have the anxiety a little less.

TanaLee Davis said...

I so wish there was something I could do for you.
For now, I'll keep you in my prayers and hope you can not only rest your body but your mind too.

Tiffany said...

Sleep- the great enemy. That's how I have come to think of it. It's gotten to the point where I just stay out of bed until I literally can't keep my eyes open. I was actually a little thankful for my recent sinus infection because I was actually sleeping! I'm so sorry you are having the same trouble sleeping- it's enough to drive one crazy! One thing that has really helped me is I think about Ellie until I think of something that makes me smile- not just smile in my mind, but actually brings a smile to my face. Sometimes it's a funny thing she did, a cute face she used to make. I rack my brain until I stumble across some tucked away memory. I started doing this because I was worried I was forgetting the little things. It brings a sense of calm to me and sends my mind into a more peaceful direction.
I hope you get some rest soon!!

Di said...

You absolutely are facing two demons. 1 is of course the loss, the endless loss of your baby girl. The second is the enemy of no sleep-no peaceful, restorative sleep.
Please ask your Dr. for something...it won't leave you feeling drugged- just a peaceful rest we need at times like this.