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The past few weeks, I have probably been very hard to live with--ask J, he'll tell you. Constant mood swings.. moments of awkward-tension-filled silence. It was very walking on egg shells around our house. Sleep depravity was starting to get the best of me, and I was emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted. The weight of the world without my Savanna weighing heavily on my shoulders, and the dreams of expanding our family once again so far out of reach. I was feeling alone and completely broken and utterly hopeless. I felt backed in to a corner, and the walls were closing in. But than last night I read a new found friend's blog (tiffany -- mama to Julius)about her journey of hope. And as my breaths tried to keep up with my fast beating heart, and the tears wetting my cheeks, my glimmer of hope seemed to seep from the tiny cracks in my heart.
Reading her words of vulnerability and raw pure emotion and than looking and reflecting at where I was in my hope journey, or the lack of hope journey; i became to open my heart a little. I prayed a lot more that night, I prayed for the Lord to give me strength and to allow me to be open with J about how I had been feeling. I prayed that he would give me calmness and the words to speak. So often when I try to express my feelings it comes out completely jibbered jabbered and jumbled. (remember what I said--verbal communication is a work in progress!) So on our drive to Dallas, I decided to take the leap, that it was time. It wasn't fair for me to keep J in the dark, after all--he can't read my mind. (Although we, as women, think they should be able to!) At the end of the day, I can't fault him if he doesn't know. So, I poured my heart out to him, I cried and cried, spoke from the heart and cried some more. I felt like I could breathe again..
For so long I felt alone, so broken. And all this time he just didn't know how to help me, how to fix it.. we're both lost and don't know how to help one another. It's not like we have done this before.. it's a new experience, a new road.. and trying to meet each other in the middle is hard work. So we continued to talk all the way to Dallas. All of our problems aren't fixed, and I know it will always be a work in progress. But that day, I was able to let the hope float to the surface. Hope that I wasn't alone, hope in my husband and best friend, the hope that when I fall he will catch me. He can't fix me, but I have hope that, together, we can put each other back together again.
2 blessings, thoughts. &. feelings:
wow! i am truly honored and humbled that my words had such an impact on you. i want you to know that your words, and your email has helped me too. it has helped me to not feel so alone. it has helped me feel as though, maybe, just maybe there are brighter days ahead (at a time when i do not feel that way at all). your smiling face in your pic made me smile, and helped me to see the good in the world. you, ms. tabatha, have brought me hope today. thank you.
Communication is and always will be the key. I've found it hard, sometimes, to put my emotions in to words and be able to talk to P. So, he reads my blog. He knows I have a hard expressing my emotions and he's learning to understand that. It has certainly helped. I'm glad you have found Tiffany...even though I don't share the same type of loss, her words have often comforted me. Many hugs to you!
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