February 2, 2011

To My Sweet Baby Girl,

It seemed there were signs all around us.
The snow was falling, the wind was roaring, the cold could cut you like glass. And as I woke up to this beautiful blanket of snow, my thoughts of you stayed near. How I longed to have you near me, to see that sparkle in your eyes as you watch the snow fall. As beautiful as it is here on earth, I can only dream of what a snow day would look like in Heaven! :) I miss you always but most at these moments. Moments where I know it would be such a milestone for you, although you wouldn't remember your first snow day, I would. Instead though I'm left to thinking what it would be like. You're daddy wanted to build a snowman yesterday, part of me didn't want to. I wanted to build a snowman with you. You loved the outdoors and I can only imagine you as you would take in each detail of the scenery. 

I wish I wasn't sitting here day after day just left with past memories. Oh how I wish I wasn't left to ponder how you might react, or what you might do. I wish I could see the real you, but the reality is is that you're gone from me. Gone from my arms. And each day it becomes more painstakingly clear, the reality settles in and the hole in my heart becomes more permanent. I know that you wouldn't want me to hurt, to cry for you. Some days I can't help it, the tears fall and I am torn to pieces as I am left to breathe each day without your breath and beating heart next to me. But I know I did the hardest part, your daddy and I made it through the worst of the worst. Now we're just managing through the pain and trying everyday to keep your memory alive. 

They told me from the beginning it would help to write a letter to you. It's been almost three months and this is the first time I am doing it. A part of me in the beginning felt it was stupid, an empty action. What good will that do? It won't bring you back! But now, I yearn so badly to be close to you that I feel that maybe this is the only way I can hang onto your image; to your spirit. The sound of your laughter and your little squeaks have started to die a little from my memory. So I watched your videos. And it renewed me, it opened my mind back up, brought me back to those moments. My sweet Savanna, it pains me to know that you left me, and I'm so jealous of the Heavens. The worlds most spectacular angel has been bestowed upon them, only I'm left here without. 

We are going this weekend (if the weather allows) to visit you in your resting place. I know you're really not there, but somehow it gives me some comfort to know I am close by you in body. Help me continue on my little Bo, help your G-ma, G-pa, Gigi & Grumps to get through the days with peace and hope. Keep the laughter in their lives, for I know they miss you so terribly much. Wash away their guilt they may have and with the Lord as your guide keep away their dark shadows. The shadows are heavy, but I know you're stronger. Watch over the rest of the family and all of our friends. You may have left this world in body but you continue to stamp your tiny footprint on all of their hearts. Only the Lord knew what an impact your tiny little being would leave on this Earth. 

Most of all my sweet sweet Savanna. Watch over your daddy. He misses you so terribly. With the Lord as your guide, find him some peace and comfort. Allow the Lord to wash his blessings over him. And you, my little miss, you make sure to stay a constant presence in your daddy's heart. 

We can't wait to meet once again with you baby girl. For us, it seems an eternity, for you it will be in a blink of an eye. I can't wait to write to you again. You be a good girl, until next time. My breath is your breath, my heart beating is yours, I gave you breath, but you gave me life. I love you sweet baby.

Mommy

3 blessings, thoughts. &. feelings:

marshelle63098 said...

That was beatiful, I know she hears you.

Brittney said...

I just can't describe how my heart hurts and might actually overflow with tears as my eyes are. And I JUST CAN'T tell you enough what a wonderful mother you are! I pray for you and J so much. I think of you millions of times daily. I know Savanna knows her parents hearts, sorrows and can feel so much love for her! I pray that you both will continue to have strenghth to not only get through the day, but to continue to live and love it. I know with out a doubt Savanna would want that. She is always with you in spirit, memories, pictures and thank goodness for the video camera! I love you and pray for you always!

Paul said...

WE weep with you. Love you both.

Paul and Kelly