February 13, 2011

I forgot.. But it's a love day..

I love good days. I love days that I laugh, smile, joke and feel somewhat normal. I love days that I shop. I love girl days.. go out to eat, grab some ice cream, and shop-shop-shop! I love days where the sun shines warm and bright upon my skin. I love days that Meela likes to snuggle. I love days when the house is clean. I love the days that I wake up with a smile on my face. These days that I love seem to be so close yet so far out of reach Today was a day that I loved.. something ironic though. With the intensity of the weather with the past few weeks, the preparation for Savanna's stone, the planning for our rain-checked trip to Dallas, my wisdom tooth surgery, and everyday insanity... I forgot. We forgot. J text me about 830 PM, he was out with the boys, I was with TC. A single text.. It's been 3 months. How could I have forgotten? I was having such a love day.. a kind of day that doesn't happen too often. Today was her 3 month angel-versary. And I paid no tribute to it until the day that I had loved was nearly over.

Did I think of her today? Of course! Did I miss her? Naturally! But it's been 3 months without her breath and beating heart next to mine, and I forgot. Remember that nasty guilt thing? Yup, it crept it's way inside the hole in my heart.. shoving all other feelings aside trying to take it's place. I looked at my good friend T and said, it's been 3 months, and we forgot. She looked at me, I looked at her, I took a deep breath and we carried on. All the while, my heart was sinking, my head was spinning, and I had to re-focus. The world keeps going, my heart, although broken, continues to beat. And I realized something.

My love days are so hard to come by. Do I give that up because I forgot? Does that make me a terrible mom? Does it mean I love her less? I don't think so... I think my Savanna was present with me today and helped me have a love day. She knew how tough the reality of the thoughts of this day would replicate, and instead she shifted my attentions to other things. And so, after I re-shifted, pushed out the guilt, shielded the darkness and picked up the tattered strings, I kept going. It was still a push and pull. And as I sit here now in the quiet of the house, with the heat blowing and the tapping of the keys, I can feel the darkness slowly covering over me. But you know what? I had a love this day, and I had a love day with Savanna alongside me.. in my heart, in my mind, in my memories, in my soul. And next to her heart beating with mine, it just can't get any better than that.

2 blessings, thoughts. &. feelings:

Anonymous said...

You also had a normal day. As time passes there will be times when the date stands out like a sore thumb and times when you can't believe you forgot. Please don't beat yourself up...you are right she was with you today and wanted her mommie to have a love day! Remember what ever you feel is OK! Thanks for sharing! I too have forgotten and know how I felt when I did that. The more times goes by the easier it is to allow those days to go by without counting toward them. Just know that others are thinking of you every day and enjoy each on the best you can.!

Onyria said...

It doesn't make you a bad mom, it makes you human. Lots of love to you and J and Savanna!