I have never been good with spoken words. It always seems to make such great sense in my mind, but somewhere along the path from brain to to mouth, the synapses and neurons get all tangled and what I originally though is not what is coming out of my mouth. When I get upset or angry I shut down, communication is a constant mechanism it seems I am forever 'working' on. So I turn to written words. I do not claim to be a 'writer' or a novelist. My vocabulary is far from exemplary, grammatical skills are sometimes embarrassing, and my grasp of metaphors and analogies seem jumbled. And yet, with the recent struggles, trials and tribulations that have stumbled into my life... the written words seem to flow. My fingers quickly graze across the keys as a I spill my every thought out to the world. I become vulnerable, and in ways I cannot verbally express myself, I can on paper. There is no stuttering, no back tracking, no questioning.. it is what it is.
English was one of my least favorite subjects. 'Essay' became my mortal enemy. Literary circles, foreshadowing and symbolism became a nightmare. And yet, here I am tap tap tapping away, and here is where I feel most comfortable. There are no sad eyes staring back at me, no muffled tears from those around, no tension or awkward silence. It's just me and my keyboard. A blank canvas. A non-judging means to allow myself to express myself. I don't have to comfort anyone, I don't even have to comfort myself. I allow myself to open up the wounds, let the pain drip from my fingertips. And all the while, I am in hopes upon hopes that I can help someone else.
There is another side to me on these postings. I feel that I am able to truly be who I am. Through my daily activities, I try to put on a good face, a happy smile. Sometimes it's genuine, it's real true laughter but most of the time it's forced. But here, I can remind the world, and myself, that there are still sporadic pieces of me floating around on the inside. I'm not sure if they'll ever really get put back together. But through this blog and through my written words, I think I've at least pulled them in the right direction.
So this place, this post, this website, this blog is not just a blog. It's a structural piece of me. A piece that has glued the thoughts back together in my brain. It is a piece that has guided me along and waded through the muddy murky waters. It hasn't 'fixed' me, I know for certain I'm just not fixable, but I am mend-able. And the Lord has allowed me the opportunity to have written words, for he knows my lacking in speech! So kudos to you God for allowing me the opportunity to pour my heart and soul to the world. And for helping me find the glue that will hopefully, one day, mend me back together.