I've tried to write something three times. Each time I deleted it. It didn't fit right. It felt awkward and uncomfortable. First I wanted to write about a talk I had with a friend who too walks this path. She said to me, Some days I feel like I never had her, while other days I feel like I'm waiting for her arrival. And I remember reading that sentence over and over and over again. I have felt like that so many days and could never verbalize it. It sounded so crazy in my head, and was a thought that was covered in guilt. But to hear that I was not alone in feeling that way, made me feel less crazy. Made me feel like I was kind of normal for the first time in months. Normality has become such a foreign object, I sometimes feel like a prisoner in my own skin.. I know what it feels like to cry, to hurt and to miss someone so terribly it physically hurts. Trying to find a sense of our new normal, a constant reminder of what I'm going without; what I miss most. Of course I miss all of the things you could think of, but it's the things I'm going to miss-OUT thats been bothering me lately. Milestones that every mother brags about, oogles and ahs over.
Than I was going to write about her money; it came yesterday. I have told some, all have asked and how do you feel? Truth is, I don't really know. I'm not sure how to process it, or how to feel about it. Somewhere out there, there is a person, a person who put a dollar amount on what they feel the life should be worth. That decided there should be a dollar amount to help the families with the arrangements. All I can think, is that it's her money, we should save it, put it away for her. But than the reality of the situation sinks in like a ton of bricks and the tidal wave knocks me down again. So now we are left with the undaunting task of deciding what we will do with the life insurance money of our daughter, of our baby girl. How do you decide something like that? Spending it has guilt written all over it. We decided to just shove it in the savings account and one day we'll decide. We have ideas... but an idea is just that, an idea. To actually act on that idea.. I'm not sure how that will play out.
So than I just decided instead that I was going to write about both of them. I wish I had amazing words. I wish I had a different story to tell. One that had more smiles, more laughter, more light. A story that was told with less tears, less dark, less anger. But this is the story of my life. and it's all I have to offer.