A Letter to Savanna.. and my happy list

Well my little bug... it's been awhile since I really wrote you. So I thought tonight seemed a fitting night. You know, it's been 4 months since you took your last breaths. I can't help to think about what we were doing just 4 short months ago this very evening. There were so many people here. Family and friends that drove in, just to be here with your mommy and daddy. People who loved you with their whole hearts. We were making phone calls and just trying to stay a float. It all seemed so surreal.. I was waiting to just wake up. Wake up and hear your beautiful cries and see your sweet face. All that I had was an image of you with tubes everywhere, an empty heart, barren arms, and a purple box. I don't remember specific details. it seems so long ago, yet I can hear the sirens, the beeping of the machines in the hospital as if it were yesterday. I can close my eyes and imagine my fingers smoothing your hair for the last time and holding your little feeties. Those are my favorite ya know? I miss those little feets of yours.. they were sweaty and clammy just like your daddy's. And you would curl them all sorts of funny little ways. I just loved them. I remember looking at them for the last time trying to will them to curl.. as if my mind could will you back to life.. back to breathing.. But, as we know.. that didn't happen. And here I am. 4 months later. On your angel-versary. Crazy isn't it? We have deemed a term for this day.

I wonder everyday what you're doing up in Heaven. I wonder how you look with your wings.. I'm sure you're absolutely breathtaking. You took my breath away everyday on this earth, my mind simply can't grasp the beauty that you must be emitting now. I have met lots of new friends. But you know that don't you?! I know you and their baby's are up there, re-arranging the clouds ensuring that we all find each other. You all know we need each other. And so you have made it possible for our stumbling upons to be meaningful and heartfelt. You're a smart little one.. You knew I would need these very special mommas to get me through some of the toughest of days. Is it possible that I continue to love you more and more everyday? Just when I think my heart and my very being will explode with the ever flowing love  coursing through me, something happens.. and it just seems to expand. So this brings me to my next subject. One of your sweet little friends, Aiden's momma (Natasha) has started this really neat thing. It's called the Happy List Saturday blog hop.. every week on Saturday we are going to write about things that made us happy through out the week.





At first I didn't want to. I knew what today was. What it symbolized. I tried so hard all to do not cry, and not be sad. I tried to look at today like it was any other day.. a normal day. But then I realized, I don't even know what a normal day is anymore. My perception of normal has been flipped over and fallen into oblivion. Be that as it may.. I still pretended I knew. All day, I though of you. I tried not to replay the movie in my head, but that haunting task seemed to fail. So when I came home and saw the message of the blog hop.. I turned away. But then.. it's as if you knew I needed something more. I remember the pictures I had been sent of ladybugs and all the wonderful gifts we had received because of you in the last week or so. And I knew you were speaking directly to my heart. So here I am to participate. And I am going to tell you all about our Happy List for this week.


1. First I want you to see this awesome bracelet that my new friend Megan made! She started reading my blog and wanted to do something special for us! Do you see the S and the ladybug?? She made that extra little touch because she knows how special those are to me. She has a heart of giving and kindness. Thank you for allowing her to be a part of my life!  

Thanks to Megan at Under_Construction Survival Bracelets

2. Now I'm sure you know this little boy! His name is Jeremiah (Racquel is his mommy) Well, she started this wonderful legacy in his honor and started making these awesome magnet butterflies for the mommy's and daddy's down here on earth. But she even went above and beyond that. She offered to make some for the memory boxes we are doing in your honor! I can't wait to get Savanna's Sunshine really up and going. You have inspired me little girl, inspired me to do wonderful things in your honor. And just look at another friend your mommy made! 

3. Next on the list... your angel bear. I know you never got to cuddle this bear.. this one is very special. At your special memorial service in Phoenix, everyone signed a heart and put it in the bear. Some even wrote you a little note. Then it was sewed up and sent home with us. They even put a beating heart in it! Well, she's been naked since we got her that day, and finally I decided it was time to clothe her. I wanted to find the perfect outfit. I found this perfect little princess dress with little ballerina slippers. You were going to by my little dancer! Of course it came complete with the bow (you know how your mama loved bows!!) and last but not least, angel wings. It seemed fitting you know? Today being what it is and all.. I think she's perfect. She reminds me of you.. reminds me how much I miss you too..

4. Can you believe there's another? You're one loved little girl that's for sure! This one is one of the best. It's a special quilt. There's not another in the world like it. After you went with Jesus, one of my friends asked me if I would like a quilt to be made out of some of your clothes. I immediately agreed. I knew this would be a wonderful way to remember you! So you're daddy and I went into your room and we picked out some of our favorite outfits of yours. We had no idea what to expect, but knew it was going to be perfect. It finally came, after much anticipation and tons of excitement to see the finished product. And well, let the pictures speak for themselves! As soon as we opened the box your daddy and I smiled from ear to ear as we remembered so many happy times.. all from little 6 inch square pieces of cloth. I'll admit, I smelled them to see if your scent was still present... but I found nothing.

5. Well here is the last of the happy things.. ladybugs. You always know just when I need an extra push. You have only sent me one once since you've died. I have wished for my own personal witnessing to one, but I know that when you do finally land on my lap, it will be a magnificent moment in time. But until then, you're sending love to all those around me. And all those are sharing with me!!

So, it's time for me to go now. I've written a long enough letter. I miss you more and more everyday. Just know that so many people here love you too. So many that I truly believe you have had a hand in crossing my path.

It's been 4 months.. I'm not sure how I got here.. not sure how I'll get to your birthday or the next month. But somehow, you'll place these happy moments into my life so that I can breathe another breath and take another step. Keep the love coming in any shape or form it may take.. it keeps me going and keeps my heart connected with yours. Never leave my heart Savanna... I didn't know what a life was like until I gave you life. I love you for always.. I love you forever... I love you with my whole heart and every fiber of my being.

Loving you from earth,
Mommy

Having Hope

 The beautiful and very talented Franchesca started a blog hop on hope (check out the very pretty button over there to the right--and I almost forgot to mention it will be the 19th of every month!). First of all, I wasn't sure what a 'blog hop' was, but after reading others stories and postings, I was inspired. And at the end of the day, the hope for a better tomorrow is what I have to cling to, so I decided, what the heck do I have to lose?
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The past few weeks, I have probably been very hard to live with--ask J, he'll tell you. Constant mood swings..  moments of awkward-tension-filled silence. It was very walking on egg shells around our house. Sleep depravity was starting to get the best of me, and I was emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted. The weight of the world without my Savanna weighing heavily on my shoulders, and the dreams of expanding our family once again so far out of reach. I was feeling alone and completely broken and utterly hopeless. I felt backed in to a corner, and the walls were closing in. But than last night I read a new found friend's blog (tiffany -- mama to Julius)about her journey of hope. And as my breaths tried to keep up with my fast beating heart, and the tears wetting my cheeks, my glimmer of hope seemed to seep from the tiny cracks in my heart.

Reading her words of vulnerability and raw pure emotion and than looking and reflecting at where I was in my hope journey, or the lack of hope journey; i became to open my heart a little. I prayed a lot more that night, I prayed for the Lord to give me strength and to allow me to be open with J about how I had been feeling. I prayed that he would give me calmness and the words to speak. So often when I try to express my feelings it comes out completely jibbered jabbered and jumbled. (remember what I said--verbal communication is a work in progress!) So on our drive to Dallas, I decided to take the leap, that it was time. It wasn't fair for me to keep J in the dark, after all--he can't read my mind. (Although we, as women, think they should be able to!) At the end of the day, I can't fault him if he doesn't know. So, I poured my heart out to him, I cried and cried, spoke from the heart and cried some more. I felt like I could breathe again..

For so long I felt alone, so broken. And all this time he just didn't know how to help me, how to fix it.. we're both lost and don't know how to help one another. It's not like we have done this before.. it's a new experience, a new road.. and trying to meet each other in the middle is hard work. So we continued to talk all the way to Dallas. All of our problems aren't fixed, and I know it will always be a work in progress. But that day, I was able to let the hope float to the surface. Hope that I wasn't alone, hope in my husband and best friend, the hope that when I fall he will catch me. He can't fix me, but I have hope that, together, we can put each other back together again.