Today--March 28, 2011

Today. Monday. March 28, 2011. We celebrated sweet Savanna's first birthday. It wasn't at all how I had pictured it though. I imagined her wearing the bright pink "birthday girl" hat with the matching pink tutu. I pictured a monstrous size cupcake at her disposal. I did not picture J and I standing at her spot.. bringing her flowers, releasing balloons and ladybugs. But that is my reality. And today, well today had all the makings to be a terrible day. A sad day. An emotional day. I would be lying if I said I wasn't angry today or sad. I was angry that I was visiting a cemetery on my daughters birthday, saddened that I wouldn't get to see her try to blow our her candles. Unnerved that I was releasing balloons to heaven instead of watching her rip open her own presents. So as I prepared for this day, I prepared to be a total and complete mess. The anxiety of the anticipation for this day had overcome me and took over my mind. I woke up and I was sad this morning.. I knew what the day was to bring. I knew that with each hour that passed, I was another hour away from the last memory of her. I was moving forward, and doing it without her.

As the day drew on, tears were shed, laughter rang, cheeks were stained, smiles erupted. I started to realize that we were getting through this day. Not only together but with so many people supporting us and lifting us up in their thoughts and their prayers. I was humbled yet again today. Humbled more then I could have ever imagined. As I checked my FB, message after message I saw my Savanna's name. People wishing her a happy birthday. People putting out prayer requests for J and I. People releasing balloons in honor of Savanna. Ladybug pictures flooding my wall. My inbox poured out with SIDS donations made in honor of her on her birthday. Emails of supports, messages of love. Other baby loss mama's that I have 'met' through these heartwrenching circumstances, they took a moment to share our story on their personal spaces. My eyes filled with tears as I read blog after blog of so many women lending themselves to us as they themselves are suffering through their pain. To all of you mama's thank you. This road is crappy, it's hard and it's confusing.. with you women, I can somehow feel normal. Feel like I'm not crazy.

This day, was by no means easy. It was hard, it's still hard. It's unspeakable and absolutely not natural what so ever. But it was bearable. Today was manageable. Today I was able to survive. We survived. And i have so many of you to thank for reaching out to us.. for remembering Savanna. For keeping her memory alive. So thank you. To all of you. I will do my best over the next few days to thank each and every one of you individually. I feel that is something I must do, as you have each taken a moment out of your day for us, for Savanna. Without the grace of God, the presence of my baby girl, and the love and care of all of you.. we would not have been able to make it through these very difficult days. I wish I could post all of the pictures.. but here are a few for you. Please check out my Facebook page to see all of the pictures!

Her spot decorated

Releasing her balloons. There was one for her friend Kamryn and Kyleigh

Ladybugs sent to us from a blog reader now friend

There were hundreds and hundreds of them

It was so peaceful watching them move about her spot

Crawling on her flowers

I know, why did I take pictures of the ladybug on the angels butt? Simple, it made us laugh. And laughing today was such an important part of this day. So I just had to share.

Some balloons that were released for her today.

I don't know about you.. but this kind of looks like wings to me.

Dear sweet Savanna,

I hope your birthday in heaven was more then you could have dreamed. I just know you had so many of your other angel friends with you.. angels of mommies I hold close to my heart. I tried not to cry for you today.. but there were moments when mommy and daddy were weak and we the pain of missing you overcame our hearts and our minds. It is now that this milestone has passed that I have truly begun to wrap my brain around the reality that you are gone. Today had all the makings of being unbearable, and yet here we are standing. We are slightly bent over and a little beaten and worn for wear, but we are standing none the less. Each and every day, I am united with people whose lives you have touched and I am reminded of the pureness and essence of you. Your life has made an impact on this world, a footprint that remains permeanantly imbedded in hearts everywhere. My life began one year ago today. I miss you terribly and wish everyday I could hold you close. I hope to see you in my dreams soon.. Thank you for the peek of sunshine today on this very cloudy and cold day. I'm sure you were using all the sunshine in heaven for your birthday. I know how much you love the sunshine princess. Please know I think about you everyday. I have my struggles, my daily trials and tribulations.. but at the end of the day--I think of your smile, your joy, your beautiful shining blue eyes and somehow I am brought to peace. I love you little miss. More then I could ever clearly express verbally to you. Look to my heart baby girl, it's all in there. Everything you is there. Everything you is a part of me. I love you sweet Bo.. completely and openly with every piece and inch of my existence. I will work my hardest and darndest to keep your memory alive. With every breath I take, with every beat of my heart-I am closer to you.

I love you baby girl. Happy Birthday
Mommy

*********************************

Remembering March 28, 2010