March 15, 2011


Each day is a different day. Some days I wake and I know it's going to be a good one, others I can wake up and know that it's going to be a dark day. Today I woke up and I knew it was going to be a replay day. You know the replay of that day, that November 12. Each time I blink or close my eyes, my mind would flash back to that horrendous day. Vivid details scattered everywhere. Images of my daughter no longer with us. Pictures of doctors and nurses, ambulances and medics. Screams and cries, yells and pain. It just continued throughout the day. And as I tried to grab onto a good memory, a happy one.. the replay played louder and stronger. The repeat button pressed, the stop and off button busted. I was at a loss. And there I was sitting at my desk fighting back the tears, longing to hold my baby girl just once more. I found myself sitting there staring at the blank computer screen, the cursor staring back at me. I found myself talking to God, asking him to give her back.. even if it's for just one minute... I promised him I would cherish that minute, if only to smell her sweet smell once again to renew my memories of her every wrinkle, fold, hair and roll. I would do it, and i would never ask Him for anything ever again. Just please give me one minute. But reality sank in, and in the flesh I knew it wouldn't happen. And the dark began to steal over my every essence. I didn't care about anything at the point. I pretended to look busy, looked up and nodded when a question was asked and carried forth throughout the day.

J texted me in that exact moment. It's funny, he seems to always know when I'm in a hump. Here was our convo..
J: "How's it going."
T: "Not good, it's been a replay kinda day."
J: "Just remember the good memories."
T: "I'm trying but it's not working. I'm having a hard time remembering."
J: "Remember the raptor."

I literally started cracking up. Out loud, like a fool, at the front of the office. I couldn't help it. What am I talking about? This is what I'm talking about...
She was just a day old. J took this picture and we always joked, this was her raptor finger.. I thought of this moment and it brought a smile to my face. We chatted a bit more and I got back to work. Well tried to work. As much as it helped to have a little laughter in the dark moment.. The shadows were still weighing heavily on me. Then I checked my facebook and I had a few messages. All of them from people who wanted to just share how much Savanna's story had touched their lives. How it had made them a better mother. These ladies told me how they think about us and Savanna daily. I couldn't help but smile. My words meant something to someone else. Savanna's story, her life, was.. no IS making an impact all around the world. One of the messages, she told me she wanted to make something special in honor of Savanna.. I'm not sure what it is yet, as she's working on it. But I have seen some of her pieces, and I am excited! I then received another email from another momma who follows along. She was so deeply touched by our Savanna that she went and dedicated a star and named it after our baby girl. I was absolutely taken away. I was so humbled. Thank you CD!! Slowly I could feel the darkness lifting.. the replay wasn't playing as vividly and started to become slightly more transparent. She emailed me the certificate and I couldn't wait to show J. It doesn't stop there!

I received another donation for another shirt (that brings the count up to 8!) I also spoke with my good friend JE with the spiritline in AZ. She already received an order for a shirt and many requests to come. She sent out a mass email about all of the schools in the district participating in a jean week.. all of the proceeds will be donated to the SIDS foundation in Savanna's honor. One of the other schools had already wrote her back that they wanted to participate! She has made it their goal to get orders for shirts! At that point I couldn't stop smiling. I was so taken a back and overwhelmed. So many wonderful gifts were being put in my path. So many humbling experiences forcing me to take a step back and look at the picture as a whole. My world had seemingly become slightly less shaky and quite a bit lighter. The replay had stopped. Only sound bites and snippets seemed to entertain my thought process. And then the icing on the cake.

I just finished doing a couple pages in my scrapbook. Hubby went to bed, and I of course still awake decided that I was going to blog about my humbling experiences. As I logged in I found I had an email that I had received a comment. Here is bit from what she wrote:

"Since reading your story on Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope, I have been trying to think of something to do in honor of your Savanna. Last night I searched for and tried something on a whim, and made a little tribute to Savanna on my blog."
My mind was spinning.. there was more?? What more did the Lord have in store for me today. She provided me with a link to her blog.. so I went to it. And what I found, and what I read.. it took my breath away. Tears began to stream down my face as this stranger, this person on the other end of an IP address dedicated her blog and that post to my Savanna. She is a fellow BLM and has always been so sweet in her comments. But this, this was unexpected. It may seem to some so trivial and small. But it's those small moments that make up the bigger moments. It's those tiny bits in time that make the difference between a good day or a bad. It's the small stuff I miss the most when it comes to Savanna. So to see that she has changed her personal space... her personal diary and testament of herself to represent my special little girl.. well it just began to humble me to a place that the Lord clearly knew I needed to be. (Please check out Rebecca's Blog and read her words.)

It is now that I realize, that God did answer my request, my prayer. Not in the specific sense that I wanted it.. I wanted her physical being here, and that just can't happen... But He did remind me that she is always with me.. in my heart, in the hearts of others, in the world surrounding me, in the small and intricate details of the earth, in the meaningful words of another, in the humbling and selfless acts of a complete stranger, in ladybug sightings, sunflowers, and sunsets. He gave me more then just a minute with her. He's giving me an eternity. A forever. It's not the way I pictured it, but if it's the only way I can have her, then I will take it with heart and arms wide open. He also reminded me that I have to fight and I have to keep fighting. I can't and I won't let the darkness win--because I am a survivor. If I sat in the dark and let the movie replay day after day.. I would be missing out on my many many many minutes with Savanna.

12 blessings, thoughts. &. feelings:

Tiffany said...

What a beautiful and thoughtful tribute to your little girl and her raptor finger! I think Savanna sent all of those nice things your way today- she knew her Mommy needed her. Savanna must be so proud of you and what grace you have. Thank you for reminding me all of the good things still around us and that we've got to keep going. You are amazing!!

crystal said...

So glad that your day got better. I wish there was more that I could do for you to take the pain away and remind you of all the lives that Savanna's story has touched. Don't let the devil defeat you. That is him trying to get you down. We will not be defeated. When you start feeling like that message me, I am home most of the time and we can talk. I may not know what to say but we can cry together and defeat the devil. I am praying for you and praying that you have a great day tomorrow. Can't wait to talk to you and see how your day is going. Just remember Savanna is always there with you. She is watching over you all the time. When you feel the wind blowing on your face its just her Angel wings brushing your cheeks, letting you know that she's there. Hope you have a good night.

Tiffany said...

How amazing. It is the little things that count. Love the raptor. I miss those first few weeks when Juju was brand new. He was so teeny tiny. Well I actually loved all of it because I loved his chubby stage too. I miss my baby so bad. I was doing well yesterday and then I had a terrible breakdown last night. Life is so hard :'(

Natasha said...

That is so awesome Tabatha!!! Love that Savanna has a ladybug blog in her honor! Thinking of you today and sending lots of prayers! I know your baby girl is looking out for you from up above!

hugs mama!!!!

Trish said...

I just wanted to say you are an amazing woman. Although we don't know one another I have to say I am so inspired by you and your strength. You make me want to be a better mom, a better friend and a better person all around. I use the phrase constantly, "God doesn't give me more than I can handle" and I truly believe that is true. He knows you inside and out and will get you and your hubby through this. In the meantime know you have prayers and support everywhere for your healing. I'll wear my shirt proudly in April and am honored to donate in Savanna's name.

--Trish, MO

New Year Mum said...

So beautifully written... you are a true survivor and so brave. She's with you always xoxo

RLC said...

HOORAY! :) I am so glad you liked it! I saw that you had commented this morning while I was at work but I couldn't read it because I knew I would burst into tears. I hope you know that you are amazing. The strength that you have to carry on everyday (because you could just curl up in a corner and stay there, but you make a choice not to!!!) and with such grace is so inspiring. I know about the loss of a pregnancy, but nothing of the loss of a child. I did not have a lot of support during and after my miscarriages. I think people didn't know what to say and were even afraid to talk to me about it. I know a lot about grief and sadness and I know how important support is. I know you have no idea who I am, but I want you to know that I am here. It's so important for us BLMs to be able to grieve and support one another b/c without that support who knows where we'd be.:) Thank you for sharing your story and Savanna with us. Could she be any cuter?! Goodness those little eyes are just the best!! Peace be with you Mama.

Golden said...

I have been following your blog. I find it uplifting and I weep right along with you. I heard a song today..Blessings by Laura Story.
I believe that God gives us 'blessings' even though they are not always the answers we want. Thank you for Savanna, you birthed an angel that has helped so many.

Brooke Slusser said...

Wow you really are my twin.
When I read your blog I feel like I am reading my own.
We have so a lot of similar thoughts and feelings.
When Ron and I are feeling down,
we always try to remember something cute about Max.
I always tease Ron about how he looks like his momma!
We always joke about how he was the biggest flirt! He would always smile big at all the nurses!
Your blog humbles me even more, I had the "privileged" of knowing my son was going to die.
I had a 2 weeks "notice" to take it all in and PLAN how it was going to happen, as horrid as that sounds.
I had time.
I can't imagine thinking he was perfectly fine and then one day wake up or come home to him not.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. <3 xxx

Anonymous said...

I think its great to see how many lives you have changed. I stayed up for hours last night reading your blog. I have to say I have been peeking every night to see the latest entry..I must say, you are a very strong woman. I have had you and Savanna on my mind everyday. You are in my thoughts and prayers....Sacha

TanaLee Davis said...

So late on this due to finally having internet hookup installed in my new place so without further due: YOUR BLOG is Fantastic! I love the ladybugs as you know, TanaLee was also my Ladybug...something our girls shared.

Anonymous said...

Checking up on you again today...Still praying for you! ...Sacha