Each day is a different day. Some days I wake and I know it's going to be a good one, others I can wake up and know that it's going to be a dark day. Today I woke up and I knew it was going to be a replay day. You know the replay of that day, that November 12. Each time I blink or close my eyes, my mind would flash back to that horrendous day. Vivid details scattered everywhere. Images of my daughter no longer with us. Pictures of doctors and nurses, ambulances and medics. Screams and cries, yells and pain. It just continued throughout the day. And as I tried to grab onto a good memory, a happy one.. the replay played louder and stronger. The repeat button pressed, the stop and off button busted. I was at a loss. And there I was sitting at my desk fighting back the tears, longing to hold my baby girl just once more. I found myself sitting there staring at the blank computer screen, the cursor staring back at me. I found myself talking to God, asking him to give her back.. even if it's for just one minute... I promised him I would cherish that minute, if only to smell her sweet smell once again to renew my memories of her every wrinkle, fold, hair and roll. I would do it, and i would never ask Him for anything ever again. Just please give me one minute. But reality sank in, and in the flesh I knew it wouldn't happen. And the dark began to steal over my every essence. I didn't care about anything at the point. I pretended to look busy, looked up and nodded when a question was asked and carried forth throughout the day.
J texted me in that exact moment. It's funny, he seems to always know when I'm in a hump. Here was our convo..
J: "How's it going."
T: "Not good, it's been a replay kinda day."
J: "Just remember the good memories."
T: "I'm trying but it's not working. I'm having a hard time remembering."
J: "Remember the raptor."
I literally started cracking up. Out loud, like a fool, at the front of the office. I couldn't help it. What am I talking about? This is what I'm talking about...
She was just a day old. J took this picture and we always joked, this was her raptor finger.. I thought of this moment and it brought a smile to my face. We chatted a bit more and I got back to work. Well tried to work. As much as it helped to have a little laughter in the dark moment.. The shadows were still weighing heavily on me. Then I checked my facebook and I had a few messages. All of them from people who wanted to just share how much Savanna's story had touched their lives. How it had made them a better mother. These ladies told me how they think about us and Savanna daily. I couldn't help but smile. My words meant something to someone else. Savanna's story, her life, was.. no IS making an impact all around the world. One of the messages, she told me she wanted to make something special in honor of Savanna.. I'm not sure what it is yet, as she's working on it. But I have seen some of her pieces, and I am excited! I then received another email from another momma who follows along. She was so deeply touched by our Savanna that she went and dedicated a star and named it after our baby girl. I was absolutely taken away. I was so humbled. Thank you CD!! Slowly I could feel the darkness lifting.. the replay wasn't playing as vividly and started to become slightly more transparent. She emailed me the certificate and I couldn't wait to show J. It doesn't stop there!
I received another donation for another shirt (that brings the count up to 8!) I also spoke with my good friend JE with the spiritline in AZ. She already received an order for a shirt and many requests to come. She sent out a mass email about all of the schools in the district participating in a jean week.. all of the proceeds will be donated to the SIDS foundation in Savanna's honor. One of the other schools had already wrote her back that they wanted to participate! She has made it their goal to get orders for shirts! At that point I couldn't stop smiling. I was so taken a back and overwhelmed. So many wonderful gifts were being put in my path. So many humbling experiences forcing me to take a step back and look at the picture as a whole. My world had seemingly become slightly less shaky and quite a bit lighter. The replay had stopped. Only sound bites and snippets seemed to entertain my thought process. And then the icing on the cake.
I just finished doing a couple pages in my scrapbook. Hubby went to bed, and I of course still awake decided that I was going to blog about my humbling experiences. As I logged in I found I had an email that I had received a comment. Here is bit from what she wrote:
"Since reading your story on Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope, I have been trying to think of something to do in honor of your Savanna. Last night I searched for and tried something on a whim, and made a little tribute to Savanna on my blog."
My mind was spinning.. there was more?? What more did the Lord have in store for me today. She provided me with a link to her blog.. so I went to it. And what I found, and what I read.. it took my breath away. Tears began to stream down my face as this stranger, this person on the other end of an IP address dedicated her blog and that post to my Savanna. She is a fellow BLM and has always been so sweet in her comments. But this, this was unexpected. It may seem to some so trivial and small. But it's those small moments that make up the bigger moments. It's those tiny bits in time that make the difference between a good day or a bad. It's the small stuff I miss the most when it comes to Savanna. So to see that she has changed her personal space... her personal diary and testament of herself to represent my special little girl.. well it just began to humble me to a place that the Lord clearly knew I needed to be. (Please check out
Rebecca's Blog and read her words.)
It is now that I realize, that God did answer my request, my prayer. Not in the specific sense that I wanted it.. I wanted her physical being here, and that just can't happen... But He did remind me that she is always with me.. in my heart, in the hearts of others, in the world surrounding me, in the small and intricate details of the earth, in the meaningful words of another, in the humbling and selfless acts of a complete stranger, in ladybug sightings, sunflowers, and sunsets. He gave me more then just a minute with her. He's giving me an eternity. A forever. It's not the way I pictured it, but if it's the only way I can have her, then I will take it with heart and arms wide open. He also reminded me that I have to fight and I have to
keep fighting. I can't and I won't let the darkness win--because I am a survivor. If I sat in the dark and let the movie replay day after day.. I would be missing out on my many many many minutes with Savanna.
