April 17, 2011

Selfishishly drowning in Selfishness

I feel so selfish and self-centered lately. Only thinking about me and my trials and tragedy. Only concerned with the way I am feeling. Emails and messages, text messages and letters piling up. And I can't seem to find the energy to respond to them. I feel I'm on the brink of breakdown. I haven't had one in quite some time.. maybe it's due time? I feel like the denial is happening all over again. Maybe if I don't respond, I don't acknowledge, maybe then I'll wake up and this new life I'm living will all disappear. Maybe if I run fast enough away I can walk into what it used to be. There are days I feel like a broken record. I try to find any excuse to insert Savanna's name into a conversation, I look for every opening to talk about when I was pregnant with her. I want so badly to still be a part of those mommy conversations and trips to the baby stores. I want to be excited that my baby is walking. I still talk about her as if she's here. Others on the outside.. well they don't get it. They are cordial, they smile as I recall my most precious memories--but I know they're uncomfortable. I know they are trying to find the first 'out' of the conversation.

I just hate it. Hate that this has to be my reality. Hate that this is what I ponder over. Should I mention her or should I not? I hate feeling crazy half the time. I hate hate hate this all. It's all so confusing. So draining. So mind numbingly... reality. It's my reality.. it's my life. And just trying to figure out how I fit in all of it takes so much out of me. I'm going through the motions, faking it through each day. At night's end, I ponder my grief. I don't know where I stand. I want to move forward, I want to help others.. and yet---I can't even help myself. I have gone back and forth on whether or not I should talk to someone. Maybe a counselor? Maybe group session? Maybe a chaplain? I don't know.. I don't want to be treated as a 'patient.' I am a mommy living after loss.. I can't be fixed. And so I don't want someone to try to fix me.. and certainly not someone who has not experienced this path.

Ultimately I think it comes down to the fact that I am just trying to figure out this new me. I think I have been trying so hard to be who I once was that it's confusing and conflicting. Instead of trying to be something I no longer am, I have to figure out who I am now. Now I have I new identity I am coming to find. That is what I think I am most in denial about. I don't want to have to be someone different, I liked who I was. I was confidant with the old me. But now, too much has changed. I try so hard not to put myself into a seperate category. I try not to ostrasize myself from the world, but it's hard. Because most of the world doesn't understand the new me either. So I have inverted and flipped around. I have tried to concentrate on me. Tried to pinpoint what I want out of life. The things that used to bring me down before no longer hold a significance to me anymore. My values have been adjusted and priorities have been re-arranged.

So I may seem fickle, self-involved, self-pitying.. it's not because I don't care. It's exactly the opposite. I care immensely. My heart explodes at all the wonderfulness and compassion that surrounds me. But it takes so much energy to individually recognize it. I'm in a merry-go-round of self-preservation mixed with self-realization. I am trying to accept that this is who I am now. Things change, people change. I just never expected me to change in this way. I never expected things to turn out the way they did. But.. they did. And now I'm just going in circles always finding myself in this same place. So forgive me for being slightly selfish and in my own head. I hope to be out of this soon. And I hope to feel comfortable in my own skin again one day. Because right now, my skin just doesn't seem to fit right.. and I'm beginning to wonder if it ever really and truly will.

16 blessings, thoughts. &. feelings:

Tiffany said...

So much of what you said resonates with me. I feel like I'm drowning in selfishness too. It's so hard to deal with losing a piece of ourselves. We are trying to put ourselves back together again. We are allowed to be a bit selfish. So don't worry about that.

As far as talking to someone ...I do talk to a therapist and have since about the 3 wk mark. It has been 1 of the best things for me & my grief. I have also attended a few support groups. But it is VERY dependent on the therapist/groups how much you get out of it. My therapist is not a bereaved parent she has never even had children, but she has a way about her that it doesn't even matter. She is very nurturing and comforting and she doesn't pretend to know my pain. It just really depends on the person.

But I understand how you feel. Know that I am always thinking of you and Savanna. ((hugs))

brittaniann3 said...

Tabatha, I don't think you are being selfish. Look at what you are going through hun, do not for one instant feel like you are in the wrong for having hard moments. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS remember (as kellie staats says)You are one day stronger! It is SO true! If you feel like talking to someone would help then do it, but if you dont, then dont! None of them understand just like you said, so really will it help... or will it just make you frustrated? Don't let yourself down! Savanna is watching you ALWAYS and she and I agree she has one strong amazing momma and daddy! Keep strong!!!!!!! It will NEVER be easy, so don't think that you are weak because its hard!
Your family is in my every Prayer!
<3

Tiffany said...

Oh Tabatha! You are not selfish. You are grieving. You are a mommy without a baby to care for. Be gentle to yourself. Take your time. Those who truly care for you and love you will still be there for you when you are ready. I completely understand what you are saying about trying to figure out who you are. These thoughts cross my mind everyday. I don't like to leave the house or go outside my protective zone. I am terrified of moving because it means leaving the only place that still makes sense.
I am thinking of you and sweet little Savanna. I am here if you need anything! Sending you love!

New Year Mum said...

You certainly aren't selfish... you should feel that you can take all the time that you need and do what you need to do for you, not anyone else. I can only imagine a fraction of what you're going through.... be gentle on yourself and know that we're all here for you always xoxo

My New Normal said...

I find myself being selfish quite a lot these days. In fact, I just wrote about it a few days ago on my blog.

I think the selfishness is really more about self protection. We can't put ourselves out there like we used to. We don't have the strength to deal with new situations like we used to. We aren't the same people we used to be.

So I think until we figure out who we are now, it's hard to interact with th world sometimes.

Hang in there.

Mary said...

Selfish or not, I think we deserve to be self centered. The most important thing after the loss of a child is to make sure to take care of yourself. In order to take care of others, you must first take care of yourself. I haven't yet gotten to the point where I feel I need a therapist, but I have a feeling there will come a time when I need one. The important thing is to know when you need one. Meltdowns will happen, they are needed. Sending you lots of love momma. Anything you need, just ask.

Christie said...

Keep talking about Savanna, and don't worry if it makes people feel uncomfortable. SHE LIVED!! It has been through your words, that her memory still lives and has brought so many to know her. You are not being selfish. Do whatever you feel is right for you.....whatever it takes to survive! I know it's not easy, but, I'm proud of you! Just keep taking it one day at a time. Sending you lots of love and prayers.

victoria said...

Oh Tabatha,
You are NOT being selfish... do whatever you need to do, girl! No one is judging you or thinking anything but the best of you. Talk all you want about your sweet babygirl, you know your blog followers LOVE hearing about her precious life & the time she got to share with you!! (I know I do!)
Thinking about you always!!
Victoria

Nance Mommy said...

I don't think you are being selfish at all. You have to do what feels right to you. I think it is wonderful that you are taking the time to figure out what you want and need. A support group in your area might be a good thing, try it and if it doesn't work, try something else. You are Savanna's mommy and you need and deserve to talk about her. Don't let others take that away from you. I pray for you and Savanna daily. Just know that she is watching you and she is talking about you too :) The person you are becoming is different, and the people that love and care for you will be with you through that change. Stay Strong Tabatha!

TanaLee Davis said...

As many others have said, you are not being selfish at all. If anything those who wont let you live out this grief are being selfish. If people could stop being so concerned about themselves and more about others then maybe we BLM's could breathe a little. Tabatha you are not wrong to feel at a breaking point and you can talk about Savanna all you want.
hugs-
Felicia

Natalie Ross said...

Tabatha,
I have so many of the same feelings you do. It's so hard. I wish I had the words to make it better. This is such a hard road.
So often, I want to be having those baby conversations too. I want to be going to the baby stores too. It's so sad. This really broke my heart. I hate going through this and I hate seeing anyone else go through it either. I'm so sorry.
Always praying for you.
Love, Natalie

crystal said...

Tabatha,
Don't worry about how others feel and don't worry about feeling like you are selfish because you are not. You are just dealing with the loss of your baby girl and people heal in different ways. Just know that we are here for you to lift you up when you fall and here to provide you a shoulder to cry on. Read my post, I found that poem and it really touched me and I hope it touches you.
I hope your job is going great for you. Praying for you and love ya girl!!!!

3fb56056-349d-11e0-895f-000bcdca4d7a said...

My dear dear friend! I Miss you so! Please I beg you please do not feel selfish do not feel like you need to hold anything and everything in. you are living this reality that no one can compare to, all we can do is be here for you and you need to know that. No matter how far away I am I am always there for you.. Its been a whole five months of course it is still fresh and that wound will never be closed but your heart will always be open to that fact you do have a daughter she is that sweet little angel above you and she is always smiling down upon you and making sure you are going to be ok. so what if you have your moments, all you need to know is yes she is here with you... We love you Tab more than you can know, and I grieve for you and Justin. I wish we were not so far apart I understand you have people there but I so wish I could be there more than I have..
Youn feel better when you talk about when you dont hold in all your feelings... Doesnt happen over night your feelings for her wont EVER go away you are a mother to a beautiful 1 year old Savanna Dawn... She knows you celebrate her, she knows you laugh because she makes those silly faces, She will always love you and will always know she has the most strong, will filled, beautiful, caring, thoughtful, loving mother ever!!!! I love you sis ! miss you dearly! *chelle

Natasha said...

I have just read through your blog and am left with tears rolling down my cheeks and amazed at how beautiful your angel baby is. You have spoken from your heart and shared some very emotional and special moments and created a way of ensuring your daughters memory is alive. I lost a baby at 21weeks into my pregnancy, stillborn, and have faced my own battle but can relate slightly to how deep your pain. Your blog is beautiful and thank you for sharing your angel. Take care and you are not selfish, your are a mother grieving for her baby, a baby you long to have in your arms.

Kandis Lara said...

I think you are far from selfish Tab. Take your time we are all here and will continue to be here. you and J are in my prayers every single day and that will never change either. xoxo

Becky Baker said...

Selfish? NO!
and even if you could call yourself selfish, you have every right!
I am so so so sorry for your immense loss!
it is so not fair!
My heart goes out to you,
hugs