April 3, 2011

My Happy List.. a day late..

I am a day late.. but better late then never right??  Thanks to Natasha for helping us all try to find the half full glass in a very half empty journey...

It's been a wild past few weeks to say the least. I became so engrossed in Savanna's first birthday and trying to celebrate her life that I have neglected so many other aspects of my life. This blog, emails, messages and friends blogs to start with. My mind has been so one dimensional. I don't like to be that person that doesn't respond or at least say thank you. I have received so many touching messages and emails over the last few weeks, and I just hate that I haven't had the opportunity, or the focus to respond to them. As a general statement.. if you have sent us something--anything--whether a gift for Savanna's birthday, a donation for our SFS campaign, an email, letter or photos of your balloon releases.. let me first say that we have read, seen, looked at each and every one of them. Each one brought smiles to our faces and tears to our eyes.  So please know, that if I have not responded to you, it is not because I don't care or am ignoring you. It is simply that I haven't had much focus lately. But I do promise that I will get back to you in some way shape or form. It may be next week or even next month.. but I promise that I will!

And now.. on to my happy list. :)

1. My new job! I am currently away from home.. which doesn't make me that happy. The training center for my new employment is about 2 hours away from us. I will be here for a week and then back home, back here for a couple days, back home, then back again for 2 days. It's weird, I haven't been away from J since before Savanna died.. our first time apart really. It's OK so far, the bed is much spacier without elbows to the head, but it's also colder. So although these next few weeks away won't be so happy-- it is temporary. And to sacrifice a little for a lot in the future is worth it. And so makes me happy.. I am furthering my career and setting us up for more financial stability for our family. It's pretty exciting.

2. My parents and brother will finally be moving here! After much anticipation and days of missing them.. they are finally able to make the big move! They will be moving at the end of this month. I am so excited for the opportunities that have been placed in their path and so absolutely ecstatic that those opportunities bring them closer to me! This grief journey is hard.. it's more then hard.. it sucks.. having to do it apart and 1100 miles away from your family makes it tougher.

3. Our SFS campaign! The shirts have been ordered and should be here in two weeks! I am so excited to announce the final numbers! Team Savanna's Smiles (our team) received 59 t-shirt orders! Team Savanna's Angels (DHS Spiritline team of El Mirage, AZ) received 29 orders! That brings our total to 88 t-shirts!!! Do you remember what our goal was?? THIRTY!! I am so giddy with joy over this... But that's not the best part of it all.. the shirts will be shipped and worn by people in 15 different US states AND 2 different countries! And again, I was amazed as I tallied up our total donations. (this is pure profit after purchasing the shirts) we have raised a total of $1058.00!!!!! (do you remember my goal? $500!!)That will go directly to the American SIDS institute to fund research and spread awareness and information... and to think, there's still 26 days left! So needless to say, I am thrilled, blessed, honored, humbled and so completely grateful for the contributions made in Savanna's honor. Although I am not able to mother her in the way that I want--at least not in this life-- I can still be a mom to her in the best way I know how.

3. The biggest thing I am so proud and ecstatic over is her garden. I have never had a garden. Never really been able to keep plants alive actually. We had always planned to plant a tree for her. From the moment we found out we were pregnant, we had talked about it. Wherever we landed, we would plant a tree. It would grow with her as she grew. A jungle gym for her, a hideaway, a sanctuary. Of course, we didn't plan on her death.. but then she did die.. and it became something different. We wanted a tree to remember her. A constant reminder of the life that lived. We scoured the Internet trying to find the 'perfect' tree. How do you pick a perfect tree for your dead infant? There were so many unsettling things that came with that decision. Finally, after seeing Natasha's and Franchesca's garden photos, I became inspired. I too wanted a garden. Because then, I could pick all kinds of flowers. I could change it if I wanted, re-arrange it.. add to it, take away from it. It just seemed the perfect way to memorialize Savanna. So after much discussion and debate, the hubster and I decided on a place... And in one day, we went from this:

To this (3 hours later):
To this (2 hours later):
Finally, to this...

4. I was a crazy picture/video taker when it came to Savanna. I have hundreds of photos of her. J used to make fun of me, now we are both so happy we documented as much as we did. Because now, when I feel the connection wavering, or a memory fading--I can look back and be reminded of what I'm missing. But what's better then looking at her pictures? When I get pictures from others that I have never seen. It's like I get to make a new memory of her. I get to add another file to the cabinet to be locked and stowed safely away. I get to smile all over as I think back to that time. Last week, I received an email from J's cousin. She found about 40 pictures on her thumb drive of Savanna when she was still brand spankin' new (only 2 weeks old)!

Daddy's first day back to work.. clearly she did not like that!

5. Daddy's and their baby girl's... 'nough said!

6. Last but certainly not least. I have been having ins and outs, ups and downs these last few weeks. But what truly can make me smile, and bring a little happy in my heart is Savanna. Her essence, her life, her smile and spirit.. all those things that make her up.. that makes me smile. I miss her terribly and wish with every ounce of my existence I could have her back.. but to know the memories are there in my filing cabinet of my mind... it makes me happy to know I will always have the key to find her whenever I need to.
With every breath I take, with every beat of my heart, I am closer to you. Loving you from afar, loving you for always, forever in my heart you will be. -Mommy

8 blessings, thoughts. &. feelings:

brittaniann3 said...

Glad things are good and you have so much making you happy! That's awesone your family is moving closer! :) savanna sure is adorable! I love her big eyes! Keep staying strong you're doing great and I am sure savanna is proud!
In my thoughts and prayers!

crystal said...

That is so sweet. I am so excited for you that your family is moving close to you. It was so sad when you told me that your family was 1100 miles away but Justin was where your home was. That is so sweet to know that you and your husband are so close. I am still praying for you. I hate that you are gone this week because your gift should be getting there soon. Hope you have a great week and Good Luck!!!

TanaLee Davis said...

Love your happy list! I need to get back on that.
I love the pictures you shared...the garden is sooo nice and beautiful. I can see the love you and your man put into that sweet garden. It screams Savanna!
Thank you for the updates. Im sorry about the distant work situation, glad its temporary.

Mary said...

The garden looks beautiful! And I LOVE that last pic of Savanna! She has such a funny look on her face!

Christie said...

The new garden looks wonderful. I bet Savanna will visit it often. Take care and good luck on your new job!

New Year Mum said...

Love her garden... you did such amazing work on it :)... & always love photos of her xoxo

Jenny said...

The new garden is perfect. Love the pictures of her.


Another SIDS mommy...just wanted to say that your daughter is so beautiful, so sorry for your loss