June 29, 2011

toxic vomit

People make comments. They speak words. Phrases. Sentences. Whether they are happy, sad, mad or worse grieving. There are comments that are sometimes made by a "non"-griever that seem to sting. The naive-ness they encompass and somehow think their 'magic' words will heal you and take your pain away. They think they are being helpful...

she's in a better place
at least she was only a baby.. you didn't get to know her
it's like when my dog died...
-->insert awkward look/uncomfortable stare
how do you do it? i would just die (thanks for making me feel like i'm handling this all wrong)
i just can't imagine... (i don't want you to imagine.. i never want anyone to know this pain)
(here's my favorite) just move on/you'll get over it
you're not ready to have more kids.. it's too soon
(and the other end of the spectrum) just have another kid, you'll get over it faster

The list could go on for days. I have learned to simply block those people out. Either out of my mind or out of my life. Knowing the non-bereaved's ignorance to the situation kind of gives a sense of dismissal. They truly are trying to help.. but just don't know how to. So they extend and reach for any piece of satisfaction to try and help. It is in 'most' (not all) people's genetic makeup to want to help and to fix. This situation can neither be helped or fixed. It just has to evolve into it's own outcome.

With that being said.. I can almost excuse most comments. I have done my best to educate people what to say and not to say. And I have seemed to get a very positive response. If it is something that is completely uncalled for, I will make a point to say so. Otherwise, how will someone know??

Now onto what I really wanted to vent about. Like I said.. I can expect certain things to come from an outsider.. I certainly don't expect these toxic words to come from a fellow angel mommy. This is the second time something like this has been said to me and I just had to get it out. It's been bothering me since last night.

As most of you know, yesterday was the day when Savanna has been gone longer then she was alive, not only that--she would have been 15 months yesterday as well. So needless to say, it was a tough day. I reached out to one of my online support groups (names will not be used to protect privacy) about my day.. and just how broken I was. Not only are these angel mommy's but SIDS mommy's as well. We all share a different kind of connection. (although I feel connected to so many BLM's whose little ones were taken by a different kind of tragedy) Most of the postings stated how they were thinking of me, some remember the day and gave advice, others spoke of how they are too dreading that day.. and then there was a comment that blew me away. Stopped my breath dead in my throat. --at least you had your little one for 7 whole months, i only got mine for 2--

Wait! What? As if I don't appreciate the 7 months that I had? So it should hurt less because I got 'longer' time? I was baffled. You see.. this exact same thing had been said to me just 7 months ago.. at Savanna's memorial service. And I didn't say anything. I wasn't going to stand by this time.. I stood up for myself but was left with a burning sting all the way through the night and up until today.

I realize this person is grieving as well.. I am too.. so are all those others that are a part of the group. But to deflect the anger onto another that is hurting and so vulnerable. I came extremely close to removing myself from the group.

Ultimately.. there is no 'comparison' At the end of the day we are all broken hearted, empty armed, and lost. We have no babies to hold, no diapers to change, no bottles to sanitize. We visit a grave or carry our babies with us. We have molds of their hands and feet, snippets of hair, final footprints. We've seen our precious babies with tubes down their throats, lifeless and cold. No breath of life and glossed over empty eyes. At the end of the day that's what it comes down to. Whether it was 2 days, 3 months, 2 years or 20 years.. it all hurts. So although some may think this.. and righfully so in grieving anger many things come to our minds... think before you make the comment out loud.. think how you would feel. What kinds of feelings would they pull up. What kind of emotions would you encounter if such jargon was thrown your way.

Although I know how easy it is to get wrapped up in our own grief and pain.. we must not forget--there are others grieving and in pain too. Whether or not you chose to be there for those people is a personal preference. But either be there or don't. There are no halfsies. Make a choice and stick to it. It will be much more respectable in the end.
I'm going to leave you with something one of the moderators posted after this comment was made. It was well said and so gracefully put...  

"i know that we all had different circumstances surrounding the loss of our children. i know we all lost them at different times in their lives. but i think it's important for us to remember that we are all in the "same" pain. losing a child is the most unnatural thing in the world. it doesn't matter if we had them in our arms for 6 days, 6 mins, 4.5 months, 7 months, etc. we are all broken because they are gone. and we are all trying to figure out how to continue on without them. there is no "right" time to lose a child"

Peek-A-boo with daddy

14 blessings, thoughts. &. feelings:

Alee Svensson said...

You are a fantastic mommie. I think you are doing a heck of a job being so strong for what you have been thru. Some people don't understand, their eyes are blinded by their own pain and feel that theirs is much much bigger that others. They don't realize that loosing a child is just as hurtful to anyone else, and it stays with you forever, there is no getting over it... It's YOUR child! You will always remember and love them even if they aren't here on earth.
I pray for you everyday! and love you even if you are so far away. You are an amazing person and I will always look up to you! <3 <3

LauraJane said...

It's only natural to want to have had more time with our babies, but yes, absolutely- no right time EVER to lose a child. It goes against nature to bury your young, to keep on living when your hearts not in it. It's those memories of what little time you had with your baby that matters- whether only in your belly, or in your arms for days, months or years.

Sorry you had to deal with this response... People are bizarre in how they handle their grief. You'd think she would know better, right?

Paul Fredericks said...

These are "Well intended dragons," as I call them. They think they are helping, but with each syllable they are wounding you and Justin.

You and Justin are deeply loved and we continue to pray for you.

TanaLee Davis said...

Oh yuck..
I am sorry that these words were said. Unfortunately they are said too often. I'm glad you stuck up for yourself.
It doesn't hurt less regardless of the time frame, age or circumstance of a child's life. Each mother has a right to grieve....its NOT normal to loose a child. Enough said. Thinking of you you Tabatha. Hugs from Oregon,

Tiffany said...

I'm glad you realize that that moron was out of line. The pain of losing a child is different for each person and no one can possibly know if their pain is worse than another's. It all sucks...

Your pictures of Savanna always tug at my heart. She reminds me SO MUCH of Ellie. Her little mannerisms and smiles are so similar to our girl. I wish they were here with us. Sending love to you!

Mary Jane said...

You are a strong and courageous mom, the love you have is limitless as a parent. I am sure that you fell in love with Savanna when you saw the positive pregnancy test, the first ultrasound, felt the first kick in your belly, and heard her first breath. Some people don't even get that. We as moms only feel blessed to have felt those things and know no matter when loss happens, there is no replacement or words to make it all better. Remember always you are not alone and you are loved by many.

Tena said...

That was truly a horrible thing to say and hopefully she was horrified after she said it. She's broken Tab. I can see you looking at me and saying "Well I am too." The sad part about her is she doesn't even sound like she's willing to move on. You are. I know that some days you move on kicking and screaming, but the point being, you do move. It hurts. No question there. It takes a long time to deal with the influx of such painful emotions. You see how I am after almost 29 years. My girls would be older than you!! But just like we talked about so many times, every day that you get up and move on is a tribute to her. Creating a life is a tribute to her. Some days just breathing is a tribute to her. Don't let someone that is stuck toss all that hurt and anger your way. Recognize them for what they are, they can't give what they don't have. You are amazing and I am very very proud to call you my friend!

Mary said...

WHAT?! I cannot believe a fellow BLM would say something that insensitive! Wow! I am so sorry momma! I agree with some of what Tena is saying too. She is broken and unwilling to move on. You, however, honor Savanna by getting up and living every day. And, thank goodness for people like the moderator who made that comment after the hurtful one. Its oeople like her that truly understand...lots of love momma!

victoria said...

Oh, mama. I am so sorry someone said that you :( you are so strong!!
We all love you <3
Thinking of you often!
Much love,

Ps- savannah looks SOOO cute in her peek-a-boo picture!

marisa said...

I am sorry that someone said those hurtful words. I think that there is no "easier" time to lose a child. We fall in love wih our children the minute that we find out the we are pregnant and every loss is so tragic.

Thinking of you and your family,

Karen said...

I am so sorry, for your loss, and for the things that people say "trying" to help. I've been praying for you and will continue.

Brittney said...

I just am so sad of how people can be so completely insensitive and selfish. You all have lost a child, no matter the age... the loss, tragedy, anger and pain you all feel is the same in the sence that anyone who looses a child will experience that and way more. I'm so sorry Tabby that Savanna couldn't stay, and all that goes with her leaving. But to also have to deal with the things people actlually let come out of their mouth just truly is heartless. I'm so very sorry that you have to bare through that too. I love you and still pray for you everyday. I think of you so often and just know your in my heart. I am grateful for your blogs, I know this site isn't just a haven for you, but you're your teaching others including myself. You'll blessed in ways you'll never know! Love you!

Natasha said...

So sorry you had to deal with that- people are just so very rude and insensitive sometimes. Losing a child isn't something that is "easier" because the child was with you for a certain period of time.

This is a horrible thing to deal with and it's unfortunate when people who should understand what we are going through make ridiculous comments that are just plain hurtful.

Praying for you girl........


CJ said...

I read your blog, but I don't think I've ever commented.

It irks me when people start comparing pain. Who's business is it to judge who hurts more or less? What difference does it make?

I lost a child I raised for over two and a half years because my (now ex) husband had an affair with her in-home therapist. The adoption agency refused to finalize and removed her.

For nearly a year I had no idea where she was, how she was or what she was going through. Someone once said to me, "It's not like she's dead."

And they were right, she wasn't....but she was abused and neglected in foster care until they placed her with her forever family. And I was powerless to help her. Pain is not something to evaluate or break down into "points".