I've been sick with a nasty sinus infection these last couple days. Today I got home from work, sat my sick ass on the recliner and attempted to try and nap. But this pounding headache kept me tossing and turning and extremely uncomfortable, sooo I turned the tv on, popped open the DVR and decided to try to 'catch up' on some shows and hopefully fall asleep in the process. I started in on the two hour episode of Private Practice. There was a part where one of the doctors was at his wife's grave, talking to her. And I realized something I had forgotten, well made myself forget.
On Monday I had my first visit with Dr. D-grief counselor. Yes, that's right, I finally did it. I finally decided to wave my white flag. I finally admitted to myself, that although I have seemed to fix myself my whole life, I may need some outside help to mend this broken lady right here. And so, on Monday I got to meet Dr. D and so far, I adore her. She gives me an insight and a point of view that I have never thought of. Which that's their job right? But she does it without making me feel like what I'm doing, thinking, feeling or acting is unnatural or weird. Again, her job right? Well amongst all the things we talked about in this 60 minute session. (who knew so much could be crammed into what seems so little time) she gave me a tool to use.
I think I speak for many when I say that we don't like to feel. We pretend, heck we could Oscar award winners with the acts we put on. We wake up, slap a silly smile on our face and go about our day. Strangers never knowing what lurks behind that facade of a smile, co-workers never really seeing the pain behind our eyes. For me, I got so good at playing this part, the part of a healthy 'normal' working class citizen that I forget. I forget to feel, partly because I don't want to, but mostly because I'm afraid I can't stop. It seemed Ok to cry at first, but now? Well now I have to be strong, now I have to move forward, now I have to live my life. But that just wasn't settling right with me. So, with that being said, good ol' Dr. D gave me something to do. Something I could use to work through that fear.
Create a grief box. (metaphorically not literally) She told me to use her room, since we still have all her things in there, and a lingering smell favorable to Savanna only. Go in there, she said, set a timer.. whether it be 10 minutes, 20 minutes, 30 minutes, or an hour. Whatever you want, set the timer and go in there. That way you're in control. You now there is an end because you set the timer and you know when to stop.
My reaction was well, I'll feel stupid and silly. It seems dumb.. what's that going to do? NOTHING! She then said to me to just try it. Go in there and lay in the middle of the floor. And do whatever it is I feel.. not what I THINK I SHOULD feel. And that right there made such utter and total sense to me. I think we get wrapped up in what we think we should be feeling or how we should be reacting rather then just letting it be whatever it's supposed to be. She told me that I might even surprise myself, but try it just once a week, talk to her, cry for her, be angry and scream if I have to. But do whatever I FEEL.
With work and school and sickness, I pushed that to the very bottom of my to-do list. It all sounded groovy in the session, but real-world settled back into view and it just wasn't going to work into my schedule. Well, I didn't want it to work into my schedule to be honest. And then tonight I watched that episode, and saw that part and it all came back and I knew I had to do it. So I did. I stood in front of her room, phone in hand with the timer set for 30 minutes. And can you believe that I was nervous?? My heart was beating fast and I was getting anxious. It was an unreal feeling. I opened the door, turned on the light and sat. Set the timer and off I went....
Silence. I sat there and stared.. who knows how long. And finally I just started to say my thoughts out loud. I talked to her. Some tears were shed yes, laughter was made yes, anger was outbursted yes, memories were brought up yes. But I did it. And in the end it didn't seem as bad as I had made it. And I actually came to a few of my own conclusions. This is my reality and I know it is, yet I wonder if it will ever feel like it's unreal. It's been a year now, and yet it still feels so unreal.
It's no secret I want another baby. When it will happen only the Lord knows. But I stumbled upon some deep down feelings about I never was able to verbalize before. Sure I want another one for all the obvious reasons.. I want that feeling again, I want this void to somehow be filled, I want to feel like my purpose as a mother is still very real, I want to feel like I can succeed. Mostly I have told J that I want to prove to myself and the world that I can raise a healthy productive person. But something I came upon tonight that I had not realized before is that I want another one to have a piece of Savanna. No not to replace her, not to have a clone of her. There will never be another Savanna Dawn. But in her little sister/brother there will be snippets of her. Maybe in the way they look or their mannerisms perhaps in their personality and character. With the love and the pure joy from sharing another child with J I will somehow get a little snippet of my Savanna.
I carry her in my heart, in my memories, in the very brink of my soul. She is with me everywhere I go, and I see her in small moments of each day. Tonight, felt like a breakthrough for me, a small one yes, but a breakthrough nonetheless. I let myself feel something tonight. Something I have not allowed myself to do in quite some time. We all get so busy in our everyday lives we forget to ALLOW ourselves these small moments to ourselves. I only wish I had done it sooner.. but somehow this was the right time. I'm not sure I could have handled it sooner. And somehow I have felt a little closer to her.
We ended the chat with "The Cat in the Hat." I guess I can read to her again. It made me smile.
November 18, 2011
November 12, 2011
One year
A year ago today, our lives threw in a blind turn, a blind spot, a fork in the road with a blockade down one side, a u-turn was made and time seemed to stop and go in reverse. One year ago today we lost our most precious gem. A year ago our Savanna died and left us here behind. We were left with memories, pictures and materialistic possessions to remind us of her. Hiccups in time would bring us back to the happier moments.
I had anticipated this day more then any other day. This day represents so much more then I can even wrap my head around in one logical sitting. Of course it first represents a year without her. A year of readjustments. A year of re-learning me. A year of learning my marriage. A year of tears and laughter. A year of choices and decisions. A year of lost hopes and dreams. A year of missing and longing. A year of change. Changes that came tearing down the doors unwelcome and unwanted. Education about my 'new' life. True I have learned so much about myself this last year.
I have learned I can be successful, I can be strong and it's ok. I have learned that I can cry uncontrollably and laugh until I can't breath and it's ok. I have learned I can miss her and love her and yet be angry at the same time and it's ok. I have learned to walk away from situations, and turn the cheek from people who may not be helpful in my journey and it's ok. I have learned that guilt is a part of the life, anger is a natural reaction, and sadness is a re-occurent theme... and it's ok. Most of all I think I have learned I can laugh, and be happy, I can smile and enjoy my life, I can keep going and it's ok. I have learned that because we move forward without her here by my side does not mean I'm moving on and forgetting about her. It simply means I'm learning to live again. The pain is no longer a stinging pain but a dulled jab. There is still a hole, though it feels slightly more mended. There is a void, though I have gotten somewhat accostomed to the feeling. Our family continues to somehow feel incomplete, yet we know that will always be the case. I have more good days then bad, but I allow myself the bad days.
I know the road will continue to be treachourous, wavy and filled with shallow waters and deep sink holes. But along with that, the road will be overflowing with sunshine and beautiful sunsets, ladybugs and sunflowers, rainbows and bright blue sky's.
In the still of the night I can close my eyes and I am transformed back to a time when life made sense and there were no hard choices to make. I am taken back to a sweet joyous smile and a precious innocent face looking back at me. I am taken back to moments of time and I remind myself how thankful and blessed we are to have those to look back upon. One year ago from today, November 12, I watched the life of my sweet pea flutter away into the Heavens, I am simply thankful to have her footprints imbedded on my heart. I am grateful and so completely and totally blessed to be the lucky one to be her momma.
Sweet Savanna Dawn,
You are my breath of fresh air. The chilled breeze blowing in my hair. You are the sweet smells of spring flowers and the comforting smell of fall. You are my warm sunshine in the mornings and the bright moon lighting my way at night. You are my rock that keeps me grounded and my stars to keep me dreaming. You give me hope to keep going, you give me strength to keep on living. I love you more and more each day, even when I don't think it's possible. I will always wonder what you would look like, I will always wonder what kind of beautiful woman you would have grown up to be. I will always wonder what life would be like with you still here with me. I think of you each and every day and always remember that when I reach the end of my road, you will be there waiting for me with arms wide open, bright blue eyes shining, and that sweet sweet smile waiting to invite me in to the Heavens. I love you, I love you, I love you.
-Mommy
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