10 Months..

First of all I want to thank everyone for all you have done in standing behind me. Although the comment that was made stung hard and hurt deeply I was remind that for the one jerk off, there are 1000 of you who are full of compassion and true caring. So thank you. I am happy to say I will be not making my blog private. How can I let the comment of one so ignorant affect the legacy my daughter has laid out? I did however make some changes to my settings. No longer can 'anonymous' people make comments, and I must approve all comments before they are published. Although I can't control who reads, I can at least control those who decide to give there unsolicited advise. I'm sure she won't be the last to make an ignorant thoughtless comment. I can only hope she read through the many comments from all of you readers and felt extremely small and insignificant. Mostly, I hope she was educated in her very self-centered and small minded vision. Not only did she offend myself, she offended my friends and family, other BLM's as well as all those working moms out there- both career and SAHM's. So again, thank you for making me realize, she doesn't deserve my anger or attention. But it sure felt good to stick up for myself!

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And now I think about the day and what it represents. Today it has been 10 months she died. I'm not sure what I think, or feel about it. I do know that in one instant it seemed to fly by, yet at the same time was long and drawn out. It also means I am much closer to an entire 365 days without her. Lately I have been left to wondering what our life would be like right now if we had our little 17 month old running around here. How chaotic yet exciting our days would be. Everyday would be a new adventure. Of course I wonder what she would look like, what would her voice sound like. Would we be attempting potty training? What would her favorite words be?

The initial ache and pain has seemed to dull slightly. Some days it is a very deafening pain, while others it's quite transparent. I am beginning to get a grasp on what 'living' without her really is. Now we have moved past the 'coping' and moved into the surviving. We have embarked upon a new journey down a different path. I always take a rest along the way, close my eyes and try to imagine how differently our journey would have been. I miss her terribly and that is something that has never dulled. That, I'm sure, it never will.

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I feel as if I often repeat myself. I've said all the things I could say that I have felt and ever felt. Everyday is a new day, and I'm OK with having good days as they are more often now then they once were. There is still a push of guilt when I have a succession of good days, but I try not to beat myself up over it. I have some projects I plan to start again. I started the memory box idea, but now have decided to make some adjustments to the legacy left by Savanna. I don't want to share too much as I plan to have an 'unveiling' soon. As I've stayed away from this place due to the extremely busy schedule and the fear of repetition there is one thing I have realized. I love this space. I love what it represents. I love what it says. I love where it has taken me. I love the people that I have 'met.' With that being said.. I will be taking a bit of a hiatus. Although it seems that I already have, there has been an underlaying pressure when I think about blogging. So, to relieve myself of that pressure, I will be taking a leave of absence. I don't know how long, but I know for certain it's not forever. And who knows, taking that pressure off of myself, I may find here back again before you know it.

Please feel free to email me (t.bogue@live.com) as I love to hear from the readers and other BLM's. It is you that give me the courage to keep going and the strength to continue telling my story. Please become a part of Savannas Facebook Page (you can find the link on the right hand toolbar) to continue getting updates. I have ceased adding people that I don't know to my personal Facebook page as it started to get out of hand. My friends list has been dwindled down to keep it as private as possible. But I welcome anyone to Savannas Sunshine Page.

I want to thank all of you again for following me along on this journey and for continuing to follow me. Never judging, always supporting and forever encouraging. Please know this is not goodbye, just a see you later.

So, until next time.

A word of caution

To the person who left this comment on my previous post and to those others who might make something similar...

if you don't want to stay at home and raise your child, then you shouldn't have any more children.I'm sorry but letting a daycare raise your baby is just wrong.They don't get the love and nurturing that we as mothers can give.these babies don't get the love and comfort from daycare workers.You can try to tell yourself over and over again that this is right, but you should be ashamed of yourself.You obviously didn't love every moment of being a stay because you say you were driving yourself crazy.I have read so many blogs just like yours where the parents try to convince the rest of us how much they loved their child, but after reading the answers to some of these questions, there doesn't seem to be any warmth or love or even sadness expressed in your words.

First of all, I never once asked for your 'advice' as piss poor as it is, keep it to yourself. Second of all, unless you have lived one day, just one day in my shoes don't even begin to judge my reasonings or reactions to the way I would do things in my life. For you to say there doesn't seem to be any warmth love or sadness expressed in my words clearly shows you have none of these things. This is a safe place for me to go and I have allowed others in to follow along. Do not disrespect, my place with your poison. This all goes back to something we have all learned as young children, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all. There is no right no wrong way to raise a child. As long as they are raised in an environment filled with love, compassion, morals, values and faith. She had all of these things. Because we are both working parents we were able to provide the things needed for her without ever wondering where the next meal was going to come from. And, by the way.. the sitter did not 'raise' my child. I RAISED MY DAUGHTER. And any other parent who has ALLOWED their children in daycare will say the same thing. The children grow up to have our morals our values. They know who we are. Clearly you have not read anything else I have said, or you would realize the guilt I already have with this subject. Do me a favor, take the door and leave this blog. Your comments and hatred and uncalled for 'advice' are not needed nor wanted. This is the first negative comment I have received and it will be the last.  Do not try to tell me that I did or didn't love the moments I had at home with my daughter. They are all I have left. And one last thing... it's people like you why people like us who are grieving don't talk out loud. Nothing but judgement and your own 'personal idea' of how we should be grieving. Keep your BS to yourself and stay out of my world.

Should anyone else feel the need to 'express their advise' I will be making this place private. Your COMMENTS and THOUGHTS are always welcome... your ADVICE is not.