A Letter to my Sacred Space

Well hey there.. my sacred little space.. it's been awhile. almost 4 months actually. i feel like we're strangers. do you? i remember coming to you everyday over 2 years ago. i craved your blank canvas to spill my every thought onto. my days and weeks didn't feel complete unless i imprinted my every last thought onto the blinding white screen. pressing the 'publish' button became so incredibly cathartic and therapeutic. i found a new love with you you know. a love to write that i never ever knew even existed. and actually up until that december day when i typed my first words across the screen.. i actually hated writing. i always only associated writing with essays and short answers to questions from teachers. and than i wrote my first post and then my second and then my third.. and then before i knew it the words, the feelings, the thoughts, my every move and tiptoe became real and alive. as the words danced across the screen emitting from the little blinking cursor i found myself healing form the loss of Savanna ever so slowly. a healing grew out of this very very sacred space with you... a healing i never knew i would ever come to. a healing that didn't ever seem possible.

my days have been incredibly tough as of late. i've been in a rut of sorts and am having a hard time finding my way to the top for air. 2 years ago i would have wrote to you about it. shared it with you. but for some reason... i've engulfed the thoughts, the feelings, the emotions within myself. i've gone back to my old ways of burying the files deep within the rusty cabinets of my past. i'm not really sure why. i know you have always been here. have been patiently waiting my return. perhaps i've been frightened to truly admit that i'm not ok.

i'm not ok.

and i haven't been.

my heart's hurting. literally. not metaphorically. it hurts. why is it i run? it's frustrating you know.. that this constant heartache stabbing has never gone away. in nearly 2.5 years since my sweet little baby girls life whispered off into the heavens.. i'm still not used to it. in fact.. i think it's gotten harder. or perhaps i haven't dealt with it the way i thought? no i think it's harder. growing up and moving forward without her is harder. watching the seasons pass and never know what she'll look or sound like is getting harder. milestones.. birthdays.. holidays.. all are getting harder. it's as if im on a grief loop re-run. i can't escape the oval track no matter how hard i try to run off course i'm always dragged back to the same path. the grief just continues to chase me down.. sometimes i'm ahead.. sometimes i'm behind.

hmmm...

i'm not sure what to do. you always know what to do little space. i never know where the words will take me but as i start to pitter away at the keys of my laptop the words always just pour so easily from my fingertips. it's as if you know what i need before i ever do. my subconsious connects before my presently knowing conciousness does.

i miss you sacred space.

but i can't seem to find the courage to come back to you indefintely.

i've fought with myself, felt guilty. trying to find the time to tell you all the things i need to tell you. i'm ready though.. to open back up to you.. i think.

it's time. i can't stay hidden anymore. i promise not to let so much time lapse.. things too easily get bottled up when i run from the screen instead of to it.

i hope you understand sacred space, that i'm not running from you.. it's the truths you seem to cause me to admit to that seem to have caused me to stay away.

i'm ready for change. i'm ready to hurt less... again. i was at a good place at one point.. and now i'm in a dungeon of pure poo!

i know you can't fix me.. i'm not fixable.. but you can certainly lend a mending space.

thank you sacred space for never judging and always being there to receive my most vulnerable moments with open arms.

i'll write you more. i need to. i promise.

Your writer,
Tabatha

A letter to my girl

Dearest Savanna,

My heart hurts. My stomach turns. My emotions are on hyperdrive. Your birthday is tomorrow.. your second birthday. And I am overwhelmed with the feelings and the pains in the pit of my stomach. 2 years old. That's how old you would be. That's what we would be celebrating. Instead I am left here with all of nothing but memories and some pictures. My dreams and thoughts on what this day would look like. I am so sad. And so mad. All at the same time. Today in my therapy session, Dr D asked me what I want to tell God right now. "I want my kid back.." that's all I could think to say.. I just want you in your most perfect form cuddled close under my arms. I want to feel your breath blow against my skin. I want to twirl your hair between my fingers. I want to kiss that sweet little face and nibble on those sweet little toes. I want your precious little hands to be curled into mine. I want to see the slow and steady rise and fall of your chest as you take breath after breath. I want to hear your heart. I want to see your beautiful smile and glowing eyes. I miss you. I miss every part of you. And this time around, this birthday.. seems so much harder. So much more pain. And so when she asked me that question, that's all i could think to say.

I often wonder what you would look like or what your voice would sound like. My mind swims with thoughts of how our lives would be if you were still walking this earth alongside us. How drastically our life has flipped since you left and i just can't seem to wrap my brain around it all. One day i went to the store and left my phone at home. i felt 'naked' all day long. and as i thought about that feeling, as small and inadaquate as this metaphor may be, it brought me to you. i feel so naked without you here. but the only difference.. i went home and my phone was sitting there patiently waiting. you never will be. i will never get to be greeted at the door by a bouncing over zealous toddler. i will never get to to take you to the bus stop or embarass you in front of your very first boyfriend. i will never get to watch you make mistakes and learn. most of all i'll never get to watch you grow.

your birthday haunts me more then the angelversary does. dr. d asked me why that was. to me.. everyday your dead. the day you died is only a reminder of the same reality we live each and every day. but you're birthday? that signifies your life. that proves to me that you were real. it shows me that you breathed your perfection into my existance, and knowing that i will never get that from you again hurts more then anything i could even explain in words. your life that we gave you, the love we poured over you... thats what tomorrow signifies, the celebration that you lived and you're alive.. only youre not. you're not anywhere near that.

i have been guilty of being angry with you sweetheart. and i am so sorry for that. i just so selfishly and lovingly want you back and cant possibly understand why you didnt fight harder to be with us. i didn't want another angel, i wanted my baby girl. dont worry im not too mad.. just heartbroken is all. im sure you understand. i hope you understand. my anger comes from a place of love and loss. a place of the deepest darkest sorrow. each day i try to remember. each day i remind myself of you.

i love you baby girl. your daddy loves you. we want you back. we know we cant have you but it doesn't take away from the given reality of our feelings. today my heart is heavy with thoughts of you. i hope youre birthday in Heaven is as magnificent and you deserve.

you are my light in my dark.. help me find my light my bug. my hope is dwindling into hopeless and im searching for you in the pit of despair.

come to me.. in some way.. any way.. i love you... momma

happy fourth

Happy Fourth of July to all those families out there... those that hold their children in their arms and especially to those who hold their babies in their hearts.

Thinking of all of you today and wishing our little ones were here to enjoy the fireworks and bbq's with us.

So much love to all of you.

Savanna,
Telling you I miss you just doesn't seem sufficient enough. The english language is so limited when it comes to how I feel about you and just how much I wish you were here. I remember so vividly our first Fourth of July with you. At the time I thought there would be many more... little did I know. You loved the fireworks and weren't even scared--you somehow even managed to sleep, and took your first ride on the 4 wheeler with daddy.

Hope you're enjoying the show from up above sweet pea. Just know I think of you constantly and always. I love you to a million and one pieces. You're my little firecracker sweet girl. Happy Fourth of July baby girl.

Always and always,
Mommy

********Remembering 07/04/2010**********

 Yes, she slept through the fireworks show!