My heart hurts. My stomach turns. My emotions are on hyperdrive. Your birthday is tomorrow.. your second birthday. And I am overwhelmed with the feelings and the pains in the pit of my stomach. 2 years old. That's how old you would be. That's what we would be celebrating. Instead I am left here with all of nothing but memories and some pictures. My dreams and thoughts on what this day would look like. I am so sad. And so mad. All at the same time. Today in my therapy session, Dr D asked me what I want to tell God right now. "I want my kid back.." that's all I could think to say.. I just want you in your most perfect form cuddled close under my arms. I want to feel your breath blow against my skin. I want to twirl your hair between my fingers. I want to kiss that sweet little face and nibble on those sweet little toes. I want your precious little hands to be curled into mine. I want to see the slow and steady rise and fall of your chest as you take breath after breath. I want to hear your heart. I want to see your beautiful smile and glowing eyes. I miss you. I miss every part of you. And this time around, this birthday.. seems so much harder. So much more pain. And so when she asked me that question, that's all i could think to say.
I often wonder what you would look like or what your voice would sound like. My mind swims with thoughts of how our lives would be if you were still walking this earth alongside us. How drastically our life has flipped since you left and i just can't seem to wrap my brain around it all. One day i went to the store and left my phone at home. i felt 'naked' all day long. and as i thought about that feeling, as small and inadaquate as this metaphor may be, it brought me to you. i feel so naked without you here. but the only difference.. i went home and my phone was sitting there patiently waiting. you never will be. i will never get to be greeted at the door by a bouncing over zealous toddler. i will never get to to take you to the bus stop or embarass you in front of your very first boyfriend. i will never get to watch you make mistakes and learn. most of all i'll never get to watch you grow.
your birthday haunts me more then the angelversary does. dr. d asked me why that was. to me.. everyday your dead. the day you died is only a reminder of the same reality we live each and every day. but you're birthday? that signifies your life. that proves to me that you were real. it shows me that you breathed your perfection into my existance, and knowing that i will never get that from you again hurts more then anything i could even explain in words. your life that we gave you, the love we poured over you... thats what tomorrow signifies, the celebration that you lived and you're alive.. only youre not. you're not anywhere near that.
i have been guilty of being angry with you sweetheart. and i am so sorry for that. i just so selfishly and lovingly want you back and cant possibly understand why you didnt fight harder to be with us. i didn't want another angel, i wanted my baby girl. dont worry im not too mad.. just heartbroken is all. im sure you understand. i hope you understand. my anger comes from a place of love and loss. a place of the deepest darkest sorrow. each day i try to remember. each day i remind myself of you.
i love you baby girl. your daddy loves you. we want you back. we know we cant have you but it doesn't take away from the given reality of our feelings. today my heart is heavy with thoughts of you. i hope youre birthday in Heaven is as magnificent and you deserve.
you are my light in my dark.. help me find my light my bug. my hope is dwindling into hopeless and im searching for you in the pit of despair.
come to me.. in some way.. any way.. i love you... momma