standing still

have you ever tried it? stood still? both literally and metaphorically. I'll be the first to tell you i haven't. ever since i was young kiddo i always remembered being busy. that's how i like things.. if i had free time, there was room for just one more thing. constantly overachieving and continuously looking for self validation. this has been the subject of almost every therapy session since i started going. my innate need to continuously be busy, to NEVER stand still. why is this? i get so exhausted and run down and yet i keep going.

until recently i just figured i was a busy type of person. i like to stay busy. but after further dissection i have found it has been something more. its my coping mechanism. i have done it my entire life, well as far back as i can remember. if i stayed busy and kept my mind on something else, i never had to deal with the so-called demons lurking at the back of my mind. if i stayed busy i could lock that terrible dark closet with cobwebs and darkness surrounding it. but life always has a way of turning thing upside down and forcing you to unlock those bolted locks.. whether you want to or not.

too much was never enough for me and like i said i just thought that was the way i was wired. but in my session with Dr. d i have found that the constant need to be continuously busy comes from somewhere in my past. after all, as she likes to say, we are a product of our environment and our dealings in grief are a product of our past.

at the age of 13 i had my first panic attack. i didn't realize it until recently that that is what it was. and after unveiling that scary undesirable time in my life i was able to pinpoint that moment as the exact place where i became busy.

i was involved in activity after activity while maintain a part time job. at one point i had 3.. count them 3 jobs. but i never knew how to say no, i never knew how to just stop for one moment and 'smell the roses' so to speak. and now, with the death of my daughter, i have stayed busier then ever.

you see, to stay busy means i don't have to think, i don't have to deal, i don't have to live that time. i can be in these other moments. i hear on a daily basis, you're doing too much, you need to slow down. but quite honestly i don't know how. i have wired my brain to react and act in such a manner. to slow down and stop means to feel, and to feel means to deal. and that right there is all the more reason why i keep going. most days this makes me feel emotionally stunted. tears are hard to come by and quiet moments alone are unheard of.

so this has been a challenge set forth by my Dr. d. stand still for a moment, learn to say no. learn to stand out in the rain and feel the drops trickle down my face. stand with my back to the wind and feel the breaths of nature. stop and admire the wondrous colors that mother nature paints across the lands. sit still, stand silently and allow for things to happen. allow myself to feel whatever it is i need to feel. sounds simple right? NOT!

but.. i am tired. and i am exhausted. and i am ready to move forward, i am ready to truly know the person that i can really be. i am learning, and it is a process, to stand still. it has been my new challenge, my new goal, my new venture. I'm trying to learn to live in each moment. to deal with whatever feelings that the stillness might bring. it scares me to death though, i will admit. there are days where i try to pretend it never happened, you know, the death of Savanna. sometimes i wish it away to that dark crevice of my mind. but i am getting to a point where i can no longer do that. because she did die, and she is gone. it burns my heart just writing those words. and although to outsiders i seem so 'put together' and 'coping so well' but that's the thing... that image that i am able to portray, well i have mastered it. i am so good at it that i don't even have to think about it. it is as natural as eating and sleeping.

but i am ready. i am ready to no longer feel so numb, so stunted in emotion, i am ready to really grasp reality. i am ready to smell the sweet smell of spring and listen the the chirping of the crickets. i am ready to be frozen in my moment of grief, wherever i am in that stage. i am ready.

i am ready to continue a life.. a life that was molded by my past and enlightened and blessed by Savanna. a life that is so worth it because she was able to breathe next to me. she is continuously my light in my dark and my reason to 'do better.' I have had many self validating and self affirming moments since she has died.

who knew the lessons a life so short, a life so sweet and innocent, a life of a little love bug could make all the difference in my world.

so i challenge you too. sit still, be silent and live in the moment. not because it may be the last time, not because you may not be here tomorrow, but because you deserve it. because you're worth it. because our children are guiding our every move whether we realize this or not.