A visit

There are certain aspects of my life that I do keep private. When it comes to Savanna though, whether about her life or death, I am very open.

There has been a recent...uhh.. situation? that has transpired in our lives. Another slight bump I guess you could say. I have only shared with a small number of people.. but then (as it always seems to) Savanna became intertwined into that situation and I knew I had to share.

Maybe you are, unfortunately, new to this grief journey and maybe my little experience will give you hope. I don't know, but what I do know is that it is worth sharing. May not seem big to some, but to me it was a moment I will never forget.

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On Christmas Day I found a lump on my left breast. I had felt that lump about two weeks prior but thought nothing of it. But then, on CD I felt it again and it felt slightly bigger. Had my husband check, he said it was weird. My mom and dad were in town for the holidays and he urged me to have my mom take a look. (my mom's a nurse.. so naturally that qualifies her to know EVERYTHING haha) she felt it and told me I should have it checked out.

Breast cancer runs in my family so it was a bit of urgency behind it. But on a more positive side, my mom said the lump was 'floating' and that's usually an indicator that its NOT cancer. OF course this DIDN'T ease my mind...

Sooo.. it took me about another month to make an appointment.. call it denial, shock, or lack of attention span.. I'm not sure. But it took me awhile. All the while thinking... are you serious??? Could things seriously get any better.. So I threw myself a pity party for a couple weeks.. so sue me! :)

Finally I called the doc.. thinking OK it will be a couple weeks.. wrongo! They scheduled me an appointment that same afternoon. That kind of freaked me out. So I went in, doc examined, doc said most likely a cyst. It's free floating.. MOST of the time NOT cancer. So I said good. He scheduled an ultrasound.

Next week I went for an ultrasound, she took pics, gave us a disk and sent us on our way.

Now as curious and google search savvy j and I are, we of course pulled up a picture of my lump and compared it to other US pics of lumps. (great bonding time i tell ya ha) Well we were able to determine, in our VERY professional opinion, it was not a cyst, nor did it look like a malignant tumor... it looked to us like a fibroidadenoma.. a benign (non-cancerous) tumor. Not dangerous but does grow.. so with our google self diagnosis, i was able to put myself at ease.. for the time being.

Fast forward a couple weeks.. I go to see the specialist. Dr M is one of the top breast docs in our area, so naturally i went to him. Nurse took the scans. Doc came in. Doc felt lump. Doc said... it's a fibroidadenoma. (who knew google COULD be smart sometimes) I would have to have surgery to remove it... although not dangerous will just grow and grow.. so it's kinda like a third boob ha! Surgery got scheduled for March 12.

Fast forward to March 12.. that's today by the way. :)

Went into surgery this morning.. about 630. Last thing I remembered was them asking me to switch from  the regular bed to the operating table. And then here is where warmness filled my inner being.

In a blink of an eye I was waking up.. (how GREAT is general anesthesia!) I caught a glimpse of hubs and bro standing to my left but before I could fully focus and before I could completely come out of my medically induced sleep. Savanna's face filled my mind and I heard her name whispered in my ear.

At that moment I had the overwhelming feeling that she was with me.. maybe she even visited me in my anesthetic state.. although I don't remember.. I know, just KNOW she was there. Call me crazy, call me delusional, hell call me drugged! But I know what I know.. and I know she was there.. carrying me through this.. because although I acted as if I didn't care, although I acted as if this was no big deal.. I was scared as hell and nervous as all get out.. and of course she knew that... the whole way to the hospital and in pre-op I prayed for comfort, calm and peace. And when I woke and saw the image of my sweet girl and her name in my ear... I knew he had answered my prayers.

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On another note... I am now on twitter :) @mrsbogue

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PS.. the tumor was sent off to pathology and they should have results within a week. I will update you guys once we here something. But so far.. we have a positive outlook. I am recovering well.. just in some pain.. and a little tired from the anesthesia. But other then that.. everything went well... I just hope I don't have a gnarly scar on my boob!!! :)

A Visitor

I am continuously amazed by the warm hearts and good natured people sprinkled throughout this world.

Yesterday I was home by myself, getting ready to leave and my doorbell rang. I don't really know many people out here.. and I watch wayyyy too much Dateline, so I must admit I imagined the worse. I looked through the peephole and there was a woman I could see.. I thought, OK, I could take her down if need be. I opened the door and there was something familiar about the face of this woman. Living in a small town and not knowing too many.. I knew that I had met her before. I looked down at her waist and saw a gun and a badge.. and than it clicked. It was the detective that night at the hospital that questioned J and I. I'm sure I had a ridiculous look on my face.. I didn't know what she was doing here. We had already received the autopsy results and the final death certificate.. Is something wrong? Did they find something? Finally I got a clue and invited her in.

She  came in and sat on my couch across from me. She proceeded to tell me that they had received the autopsy results and she wanted to let me know that they are officially closing Savanna's case. The medical examiner's conclusion came to a natural death due to SIDS and the toxicology results were also all negative. (I don't think she knew that we received our own copy of the report) So I said, so it's done? That's it? She said, "Yes. It's done. I promised you that I would let you know as soon as we found anything out. And I just wanted to make sure you knew." I could see a small twinge of pain behind her eyes.. is she a mother? had she just been in this business too long? had she lost a child? She looked at me, right in the eye and said "Again, I just want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss" Typically these words cause me to go on a rant. I think it's because I heard it so often, and sometimes said with no emotion that I came to resent that phrase. But her tone, and her eyes and the way she said it.. told me she meant it from the center of her being.

She asked me if I went back to work, told me I had a pretty dog and gazed at pictures of Savanna sitting on our coffee table. She told me she had stopped by earlier and no one was home, so came back after business hours.. she remembered (or did she look at our file? I like to think she remembered) where I had worked and knew I didn't get off til 5. So she came all the way back. Our meeting lasted all of five minutes, and as quickly as she came, she left.

I sat there for a moment after I closed and locked the door, and I couldn't help but smile. This woman.. she didn't have to come to my house.. TWICE for that matter. She could have called, or sent a letter. There was nothing pressing in her reports that called for a personal visit. But she did. She took the time to come and tell me.. to inform me that they had closed the case and there was no foul play. She took a moment to honor Savanna's life and death. There are still good people out there. Sometimes we think these people see this kind of thing everyday, it's just part of the job. Even if that were the case for her she cared enough to come. And even if it was just something she did as protocol for herself.. She still did it. And it meant the world to me. She took a moment out of her day for my Savanna. Savanna wasn't just a victim to her, or a file number. Savanna was a person, she had a name and a life.. and she took a moment of her time to recognize that.