January 9, 2011

A Heavy Heart

My heart is heavy with the feeling of emptiness and loss. I yearn to hold her again, to hear her cry and see her smile. I can just picture her sitting on the floor barricading through the piles of laundry I have just folded. I wish to see her sweet little fingers curled around her pacifier and her precious little toes curled under. I miss my baby girl so much. She is heavy on my heart and on my mind.


A game of cat and mouse is erupting on my insides. My heart and my mind fighting against each other. I so badly yearn to have another. To be a mommy again. I feel like I've been teased. It's like giving a sucker to a little kid, letting them have a lick, and than tearing it from their hands for no apparent reason. I've had a taste and I so badly want it again. But when is it right? When is it OK to give life to another? I don't want to pressure J, I know he has to be ready too. And it wouldn't be fair to push him into something he's not ready for it. But am I even ready? Or am I just trying to fill a void. Would it be a replacement? I know in my heart it wouldn't, Savanna will always be my daughter, always be my first born. But would I somehow be trying to fill the brokeness in my heart, the hole that's been punctured into my life? They say you'll know when you're ready... I don't know what that means. J and I have had discussions, we both feel that God has placed it in our hearts that the Lord will not allow us to endure this pain once again. I have a certain peace about it. But I can't help but feel torn. Torn between grieving for my baby girl, but loving another of the Lord's blessings.

Our life has been transformed and everything has been put into a whole new perspective. How do I share the love I have for our little girl with another baby? How do I ensure that the baby brother or sister doesn't feel that they are second best to their big sister taken from us too soon? How do I know that I can still succeed as a parent? It's a Tom & Jerry battle of myself. These thoughts and feelings have been haunting me most these last couple of days.

Logically speaking, I should finish school, payoff debt, get in a better financial position. But that could take years and I'm not so sure I want to wait that long. I just want to scream and yell. Hit things and cry. I want to feel that unconditional love peering up at me again. That dependency and need. I want to have something to be excited to come home to again. I don't want to be broken anymore. I want the worlds strongest band-aid. These words are perhaps the hardest I've had to write. I feel selfish for wanting another.. I pray every night that the Lord will guide me and allow me to feel OK. To be content with wanting another child.

I look at the websites of families of those who have lost their precious ones to SIDS and I scan the photos with my heartbreaking all over again.

I hate that their are no toys I'm stumbling over in the middle of the night. No bouncer sporatically sounding off at the wee hours of the morning. No poopy diapers stinking up the garbage. I stop myself from walking over to the baby section of the store. I feel like I'm stuck in a pile of super glue. And my heart is shattering. I wish I had the answers, instead I have more questions.

Please Lord guide me through this time, this moment. Savanna my love, keep the shadows away and help mommy see what I need to see. Hold my hand and guide me through this darkest forest. Be my compass and lead me home. Take this pain and heal my wounds. And somewhere in there, give me the moment where I will know it will be OK. I was born to be a mommy, but I can't help but feel the privilege has been ripped from my arms. And here I am. Lost, confused, pained, and empty. I yearn but am I yearning for all the wrong reasons? Lord hear my prayer on this day and grant me the peace and comfort I need to carry on.

6 blessings, thoughts. &. feelings:

AnitaMcCauley said...

My son was taken from me for months, by his father. I had a whole, but I knew he was alive. I cant imagine the pain you went threw. My heart feels for you and you and your family will be in my prayers. To know its time... is when you see a baby, and know that you are ready. You need to let your heart burst and then heal. I have a friend who still morns for her son, who died 25 years ago. Your new child will not be a replacement, but a new kind of love. All my children are in my heart in a diffrent spot. Like I said, Prayers.

marshelle63098 said...

You re so strong tabs, You will know what to do when you feel it, But dont think you are replacing savanna, You were put here to be a mommy and so that is something you need to do, You can love more than one child, As you know i have three and each time i thought how am i gonna love this baby like my other, Well You will be surprised how loving your heart is, It just comes so easily. so when you are ready, you will know it, And savanna, and the next child, children you have will know they are loved just as the first and ones after.

Tena said...

Some how in Gods provision we are able to allow the love for our child that's gone to move over and suddenly there is more love for this new little blessing that God brings. It takes nothing away and your future kiddo will never think they were just replacements because you will never feel that way. Somehow each child is so unique our love for them is both the same but different. You will know when the time is right. It has nothing to do with money or school but it has everything to do with your heart. Tab you will never forget her. I say that from way down the road and you see how I still cry. Your love just expands and another little person comes along. You'll still wonder what if... But you will also be blessed to see the wows happen every day. You are going to come through this, I promise but even more than that HE promises.

Rebecca said...

Tabatha, remember that God's timing is always perfect. He's never late, and always on time. He has already determined when you will have another child. The amazing thing is that a mother and father have the same amount of love for each child, no matter how many they have. They are all unique and special, and one never takes the place of another. What you're feeling is absolutely acceptable and normal and selfless. Keep the faith Tabby, for in due time He will pour out His blessings on you and heal your and J's wounded hearts. Something that you can't imagine right now, but in Him all things are possible. I don't know how people who have lost children get healed, but I've seen it. You never forget, never stop loving that child, but you will experiene the joy once again of holding yours in your arms.

Ali said...

Hi. My name is Ali, I am a friend of April, your photographer. I am so touched by you. I remember seeing your daughter's adorable pics as they were posted via FB last Spring. I don't know you, or her, and felt like I did. I have a daughter 3 days younger than yours. You seriously are on my mind EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. I have nothing amazing to say. Nothing impressive to type to even pretend I have any idea what you're going through. But a friend's blog may help. They lost their daughter at 18 months. Totally unexpected. And they are now expecting another, just a few short months later. They have a lot of Faith. A lot of support. There blog may help you know you are not alone in your thoughts. http://patrickandashley.blogspot.com/


Brittney said...

I just wanted you to know I think of you millions everyday. I always have a prayer in my heart for your pains and sorrows. I can't help crying of how deep you hurt, and your longing for sweet Savanna. You are strong! Your faith is strong! I know God hears your prayers, your cries and aching heart. He would know how it feels and only he can provide you with the comfort you need and desire along with those who have already experienced the same. I love you, and I love love love reading your blogs.
~ Thoughts & Prayers~