A game of cat and mouse is erupting on my insides. My heart and my mind fighting against each other. I so badly yearn to have another. To be a mommy again. I feel like I've been teased. It's like giving a sucker to a little kid, letting them have a lick, and than tearing it from their hands for no apparent reason. I've had a taste and I so badly want it again. But when is it right? When is it OK to give life to another? I don't want to pressure J, I know he has to be ready too. And it wouldn't be fair to push him into something he's not ready for it. But am I even ready? Or am I just trying to fill a void. Would it be a replacement? I know in my heart it wouldn't, Savanna will always be my daughter, always be my first born. But would I somehow be trying to fill the brokeness in my heart, the hole that's been punctured into my life? They say you'll know when you're ready... I don't know what that means. J and I have had discussions, we both feel that God has placed it in our hearts that the Lord will not allow us to endure this pain once again. I have a certain peace about it. But I can't help but feel torn. Torn between grieving for my baby girl, but loving another of the Lord's blessings.
Our life has been transformed and everything has been put into a whole new perspective. How do I share the love I have for our little girl with another baby? How do I ensure that the baby brother or sister doesn't feel that they are second best to their big sister taken from us too soon? How do I know that I can still succeed as a parent? It's a Tom & Jerry battle of myself. These thoughts and feelings have been haunting me most these last couple of days.
Logically speaking, I should finish school, payoff debt, get in a better financial position. But that could take years and I'm not so sure I want to wait that long. I just want to scream and yell. Hit things and cry. I want to feel that unconditional love peering up at me again. That dependency and need. I want to have something to be excited to come home to again. I don't want to be broken anymore. I want the worlds strongest band-aid. These words are perhaps the hardest I've had to write. I feel selfish for wanting another.. I pray every night that the Lord will guide me and allow me to feel OK. To be content with wanting another child.
I look at the websites of families of those who have lost their precious ones to SIDS and I scan the photos with my heartbreaking all over again.
I hate that their are no toys I'm stumbling over in the middle of the night. No bouncer sporatically sounding off at the wee hours of the morning. No poopy diapers stinking up the garbage. I stop myself from walking over to the baby section of the store. I feel like I'm stuck in a pile of super glue. And my heart is shattering. I wish I had the answers, instead I have more questions.
Please Lord guide me through this time, this moment. Savanna my love, keep the shadows away and help mommy see what I need to see. Hold my hand and guide me through this darkest forest. Be my compass and lead me home. Take this pain and heal my wounds. And somewhere in there, give me the moment where I will know it will be OK. I was born to be a mommy, but I can't help but feel the privilege has been ripped from my arms. And here I am. Lost, confused, pained, and empty. I yearn but am I yearning for all the wrong reasons? Lord hear my prayer on this day and grant me the peace and comfort I need to carry on.